The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. OPENING CREDITS
THE WACHOWSKIS take the entire COLOR SPECTRUM and waste no time bludgeoning the AUDIENCE in THE GODDAMN FACE with it and IT NEVER! EVER! STOPS!!!!!!!!
THE WACHOWSKIS
(giggling)
INT. REALLY FAKE LOOKING SCHOOL
YOUNG EMILE HIRSCH has not been taking his RITALIN so his ADD is off the fucking charts.
His mom SUSAN SARANDON meets with the PRINCIPAL.
PRINCIPAL
Ma’am, your son is a total dumbass. He has failed every single test and pop quiz he’s taken. He even failed the “write your name” part. All he cares about is car driving. He needs serious help.
SUSAN SARANDON
(smiles politely while staring off into space)
PRINCIPAL
Wait, why are your eyes so glassy? And why do you look high off your ass? Have you been taking your son’s Ritalin?
SUSAN SARANDON
(drools on self)
YOUNG EMILE leaves school and enters a REALLY FAKE LOOKING CARTOON WORLD.
YOUNG EMILE
Da fuq is this?
NOT MATTHEW FOX
Hey little bro. To hell with all this edumacation bullshit. How would you like to go drive a race car!
YOUNG EMILE
Dude, I’m like 10. And the last time you let me drive I rolled the car and lost my front teeth.
NOT MATTHEW FOX
So I’ve actually let you drive before and you got into an accident? Haven’t our parents disowned me for almost killing you?
YOUNG EMILE
Turns out idiocy is hereditary.
YOUNG EMILE sits in NOT MATTHEW’s lap as he drives a RACE CAR.
NOT MATTHEW FOX
Cars are alive, just like Santa and the Easter Bunny. You just have to listen to them.
YOUNG EMILE
So your advice is to drive an insanely fast race car with my eyes closed?
NOT MATTHEW FOX
Exactly. Wait, so am I the villain here or what?
EXT. RACE TRACK FROM EXTREME-G, ONLY ON NINTENDO 64 - YEARS LATER
Adult EMILE HIRSCH is a RACER RACING a RACE CAR in a RACE!
CUE: ANNOYING PANNING SHOT; REPEAT; REPEAT; REPEAT; REPEAT;
EMILE HIRSCH
My brother Not Matthew was the greatest racer ever until he died in a mysterious crash in which his remains were burned beyond recognition. Now I honor his memory by driving slower than him!
ROGER ALLAM
Emile, I am a rich and powerful racing enthusiast. Also I am evil. Come work for me.
EMILE HIRSCH
No!
ROGER ALLAM
Why not?!
EMILE HIRSCH
Dude, you just said you were evil!
ROGER ALLAM
I did? Shit. Must be all this fuck-ugly purple I’m wearing. Also my Britishness.
EMILE HIRSCH
You see Roger, I’m all folksy and sentimental and I race because it means something to me and not just because I want to make money.
ROGER ALLAM
Oh? Then how exactly do you pay for that super fast and super expensive car of yours? I mean with you and your family being dumber than a bag of hammers and all. You should be on your knees kissing my asshole for all the money I’m throwing at you. Sign this contract!
EMILE HIRSCH
No deal!
ROGER ALLAM
I’ll teach you not to work for an evil CEO!
ROGER sabotages EMILE’s next race and he CRASHES but is saved by MAGIC SOAP BUBBLES.
INT. EMILE’S HOUSE
EMILE is visited by MASKED MATTHEW FOX who is a notorious RACE CAR DRIVERER.
MATTHEW FOX
(stoically)
Emile, I work for an organization that’s trying to stop Roger from fixing races and thereby bring down his illegal car empire, somehow. I have recruited fellow driverer and Asian pop sensation Rain to help us.
RAIN
I have “evidence” that Roger is a rat fuck son of a bitch, but I will only share it if we win this underground race and drive up the stock of my father’s failing company.
EMILE HIRSCH
Huh? I thought this was a kid’s flick about race car driving?
RAIN
Didn’t you know? Kids love stories about corporate takeovers.
EMILE HIRSCH
Well seeing as that we’ve already established me as a total moron I don’t understand a bit of what’s going on, all I heard was “race” so I’m in. But I’ll need the help of my girlfriend Christina Ricci.
CHRISTINA RICCI
Ugh, don’t tell me I’m just playing your love interest.
EMILE HIRSCH
Of course not. You fly a helicopter and reveal yourself to be just as good at car driving as at least Rain is.
CHRISTINA RICCI
I am? Then why the hell am I wasting my time being your arm piece when I could be starting a successful racing career of my own?
EMILE HIRSCH
Because you can't be my love interest AND independently successful at something, stupid. Now let's race!
EXT. RACE TRACK FROM MARIO KART 64
EMILE, MATTHEW and RAIN RACE RACERS in a RACE for RACE! But ROGER has bribed all of the other RACERS to kill EMILE’s team in INCREASINGLY SILLY WAYS.
CUE: ANNOYING PANNING SHOT; REPEAT; REPEAT; REPEAT; FUCKING REPEAT;
EMILE HIRSCH
Can’t the announcers see all the blatant cheating going on?
MATTHEW FOX
How can they? What, with all the hundreds of cameras and dozens of helicopters hovering 10 feet over us? How can we expect them to see a guy trying to kill us with a huge pair of spiked truck nuts?
RAIN
Then let’s car-fu their asses to death!
THIS HAPPENS. CAR-FU IS A THING. NO ONE WITH EYES IS IMPRESSED.
MATTHEW FOX
Wait, how are we all hearing each other so clearly while driving topless cars at 300mph?
RAIN
Not to mention all the bugs and dust flying into our uncovered mouths.
EMILE HIRSCH
And did someone seriously just try to throw a fucking bee hive at me? Jesus, the tone of this movie is all over the place. What next? Is someone going to pull out a gun and start shooting at me?
THE WACHOWSKIS
(writes that down)
EMILE and his team lose the RACE of RACES!
INT. CARTOON HOTEL
EMILE is tracked down by his father JOHN GOODMAN, along with his son SCOTT PORTER and his monkey CHIM CHIM, who are SO SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING that to simply mention them any further would probably cause a rip in the SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM and bring an END TO EXISTENCE AS WE FUCKING KNOW IT so let’s just all pretend they DO NOT FUCKING EXIST EVER, SHALL WE?
JOHN GOODMAN
EMILE! HOW DARE YOU RACE THIS DANGEROUS RACE I TOLD YOU NOT TO RACE! A RACE WHICH KILLED YOUR BELOVED BROTHER AND oh look I don’t care anymore so I’ll help you win now.
Everyone goes to sleep and ROGER sends THE FOOT CLAN to kill EMILE and his team. However, THE FOOT CLAN maintain their stellar record of ZERO WINS even when not fighting GIANT TURTLES.
EMILE HIRSCH
Holy shit! I can’t believe those ninja impersonators just tried to kill us!
RAIN
I know! And they gave me food poisoning so I can’t race!
EMILE HIRSCH
Well I guess you’re dead then.
RAIN
No, it was a nonlethal 24 hour poison.
EMILE HIRSCH
Huh? Wait, so they actually tried to physically MURDER the rest of us but basically just gave you an Ambien?
RAIN
Can you blame them? I mean who would want to kill all of this sexy?
EXT. RACE TRACK FROM NEED FOR SPEED II
EMILE and his RACERS are RACING the RACE!
CUE: ANNOYING PANNING SHOT; REPEAT; REPEAT; RAPTURE ME; REPEAT; NO SERIOUSLY PLEASE GOD RAPTURE ME; REPEAT; REPEAT; I MEAN IT; REPEAT;
Meanwhile ROGER’S GOONS try to nab RAIN’s sister NAN YU, but it turns out to be RAIN in DRAG.
ROGER’S GOONS
Oh fuck you, man. So not ONLY did the ninjas not kill their targets, but they gave you a poison that only lasted as long as ONE SCENE TRANSITION?!
RAIN
It turns out wearing a sexy skirt and a sun hat is the best cure for debilitating poisons.
ROGER’S GOONS
So who’s driving your car?
CHRISTINA RICCI
Me, and doing a damn fine job. Seriously, why has no one recognized my awesome driving skills until now? And why didn’t anyone check to make sure Rain was actually driving his car before the race started?
EMILE HIRSCH
Because shut up, Christina.
EMILE and his RACERS are RACING against EVIL RACER CHRISTIAN OLIVER, who is RACING in the RACE for RACE!
CHRISTIAN OLIVER
(twirling mustache)
Hey Christina, how would you like it if I put you in distress thereby giving Emile the chance to rescue you?
CHRISTINA RICCI
I wouldn’t like that one bit--
CHRISTIAN OLIVER
TOO LATE!!!!!!
EMILE saves CHRISTINA with CAR-FU.
EMILE HIRSCH
Great job being a damsel, Christina. Now we need to get you as far away from the plot as soon as possible.
CHRISTINA RICCI
But I didn’t even
(goes back to being just a useless love interest)
Cunts.
EMILE and his TEAM stop inside a SHITTY GREEN-SCREEN CANYON in which none of the 5 TRILLION CAMERAS covering the race are PRESENT, so any of the TV viewers watching this on PAY-PER-VIEW are getting royally FUCKED.
RAIN
Okay I’m back in my car so let’s go!
THE WACHOWSKIS
Not before we shoehorn in another kung fu fight with Roger’s goons!
MATTHEW FOX
But why? I thought this was a racing movie?
THE WACHOWSKIS
Ever since The Matrix it’s in our contract that we must force kung fu into all of our movies no matter how distractingly needless it is!
EMILE HIRSCH
Well okay, but only as long as it’s cool.
It is TOTALLY NOT COOL.
Like, NOT AT ALL.
Like, not even a LITTLE TINY BIT. It’s as if all the SUCK from RELOADED and REVOLUTIONS were compressed into ONE SCENE, molded into a giant HIGH DEFINITION DILDO, and then forced through the AUDIENCE’S EYE SOCKETS, repeatedly for 10 MINUTES.
THE WACHOWSKIS
(giggling)
Meanwhile CHRISTIAN passes them up.
CHRISTIAN OLIVER
Huh? As long as that fight scene took I could have driven around the fucking globe twice, read all 7 Harry Potter books plus the other three books no one cares about, AND I could have won a break dancing contest and still be way in the lead--
EMILE HIRSCH
Aaaaand I’ve won.
CHRISTIAN OLIVER
I hope someone bashes your face in with canned goods.
EMILE HIRSCH
Okay Rain, we won and saved your dad’s company, now turn over that evidence so we can take down Roger.
RAIN
Sure, it’s right here in my back pocketMUHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAH!!! No seriously, I just lied so you guys would help me. Hakuna matata, suckers!
EXT. RACE TRACK FROM RANDOM 90’S GAME CONSOLE
EMILE channels NIC CAGE and DRIVES ANGRY, but his pity party is interrupted by MATTHEW.
EMILE HIRSCH
Matthew, I know you’re my dead brother.
MATTHEW FOX
What? No way, dude. Pfft. Naw. Look at my face, it’s all different and plasticy.
EMILE HIRSCH
But I actually watched the TV show so I know Racer X is really--
MATTHEW FOX
NOT! YOUR! BROTHER!
EMILE HIRSCH
Well that’s good, because that would make you a huge mega asshole for making your family think you’re dead.
MATTHEW FOX
Or maybe I had really good reasons.
EMILE HIRSCH
Mega asshole reasons.
MATTHEW FOX
Whatever, loser. That’s why you’re not racing in the Grand Prix.
NAN YU
Actually, since Emile helped my brother Rain win that last race he’s eligible to enter the Grand Prix.
EMILE HIRSCH
Really? Why didn’t I know this already?
NAN YU
Because you’re kind of a stupid, remember?
EMILE HIRSCH
Oh yeah, derp. But we don’t have a car and the Grand Prix is tomorrow! We’d have to build a Mach 6 racing car from the bottom up in just a few hours! There's absolutely no way in hell we could possibly--
JOHN GOODMAN
And done.
EMILE HIRSCH
Are you shitting me? It takes at least 100 hours to build a NASCAR racing car! And that’s WITHOUT the car-fu function! How is this possible?!
JOHN GOODMAN
Because I am Santa.
EXT. GRAND PRIX RACE TRACK FROM F-ZERO X (NOT A JOKE)
EMILE and the MACH 6 enter the RACE, but ROGER commands all the other RACERS to RACE EMILE out of the RACE of RACES for RACE! But EMILE fights back by WRECKING ALL OF THEIR CARS.
BEN MILES
Holy shit, is that legal? Emile didn’t even make it look like accidents, he just deliberately tried to murder all of his opponents!
RICHARD ROUNDTREE
Emile’s a bad mother--
BEN MILES
Shut'cho mouth!
RICHARD ROUNDTREE
I get a kickback every time someone says that.
EMILE catches up to the lead racer RALPH HERFORTH.
EMILE HIRSCH
Ralph, you were once my idol until I found out Roger has rigged races to let you win. Now I must destroy you and your tacky purple/gold cartoon car.
RALPH HERFORTH
Then let us settle this epic rivalry by playing Bumper Cars.
They RAM each other a bunch of times but don’t suffer any collision damage because their cars are made out of ADAMANTIUM.
RALPH HERFORTH
Oh no I’m losing! Now I must cheat by using my special fish hook to connect our cars!
EMILE HIRSCH
Derp? How does this give you the ability to win? Neither of us should have control of our cars now. And doesn’t it look odd to everyone watching that we’re locked together like this?
RALPH HERFORTH
Apparently your mental stupidity has spread to the entire viewing audience!
EMILE flips his car to expose RALPH’s cheating and both cars CRASH, but EMILE’s car survives intact because MAIN CHARACTER POWERS. All the remaining RACERS RACE past him.
EMILE HIRSCH
Shit! My car won’t start! What do I do?!
MATTHEW FOX
Remember what I-- err, I mean what your bother Not Me told you. Cars are alive, you just have to listen to them.
EMILE HIRSCH
But that’s stupid!
MATTHEW FOX
Oh yeah? Try it.
EMILE HIRSCH
Okay. Mach 6, how do I make you start?
MACH 6
Did you try turning the key?
EMILE HIRSCH
...no?
MACH 6
Oy vey, what a putz.
EMILE SPEEDS past all the other cars in 5 SECONDS FLAT because no one remembers how idiotic this cliche was back when JAKE LLOYD did it.
EMILE HIRSCH
Now THIS is pod racing!
EMOTIONAL MONTAGE
Hey everybody, ignore how silly and uneven the movie has been up to now and just focus on the IDEA of how cool and thoughtful its makers intended it to be! Down with corporate cheating! Up with playing fair and winning on one's own merit!
EMILE HIRSCH
Indeed. Now watch me win this race by fairly wrecking every other race car I haven’t wrecked yet!
EVERYONE CHEERS as he does this, which must include all of the FANS of the OTHER RACERS because FUCK THOSE LOSERS.
EMILE is the ONLY RACER to finish the RACE of RACES for RACE RACE! The sheer BATSHIT CRAZINESS of this outcome is so hot it melts the CGI TEXTURE on the MACH 6’s CARTOON TIRES.
EMILE HIRSCH
See, Roger? Cheaters never win!
ROGER ALLAM
Oh yeah, because sabotaging 29 race cars so they can’t finish is in no way cheating.
EMILE HIRSCH
Correction, BRITISH cheaters never win!
ROGER ALLAM
Now that's more like it.
END