FADE IN:

EXT. LONDON

HUGO WEAVING and NATALIE PORTMAN both put on MATCHING CLOTHES in front of SIMILAR MIRRORS watching the SAME TV SHOW at the SAME TIME, setting the appropriate tone for the subsequent TWO HOURS OF HEAVY HANDED SYMBOLISM.

ROGER ALLAM

I'm essentially future Britain's version of Glenn Beck. And yet, despite my total lack of humanity and shady military past, I still manage to be less abhorrent than the real thing.

HUGO rescues NATALIE from RAPISTS.

HUGO WEAVING

Verily, young vixen, you veer away from my veiled visage. Let us vacate this vestibule, and view a vast volley of violence!

SHIT EXPLODES. Instead of calling the COPS like any NORMAL person would, NATALIE just goes to work, where HUGO then attacks.

HUGO WEAVING

Vacant viewer, I have violated this venue of video viewing so you may vividly visualize my vision for voiding the validity of your villainous victimizers.

BRITISH PUBLIC

I say, murderous terrorist, you're onto something there!

HUGO escapes. SHIT, however, does not EXPLODE, because BEN MILES has BOMB DISPOSAL SKILLS.

STEPHEN REA

Are we to assume that the ability to successfully deactivate a homemade bomb with which you could've had no prior experience whatsoever is a prerequisite for TV station managers?

BEN MILES

You know, I'm only in the movie so the director can include this entirely ridiculous, clichéd "which wire to cut" scene, and by God, I'm going to make the most of it.

HUGO takes NATALIE to his UNDERGROUND LAIR. It is filled with artwork and literature, showing us that while he may be a MURDEROUS TERRORIST, he is a CULTURED MURDEROUS TERRORIST.

HUGO WEAVING

Visitor! I have vanquished the vile vermin and vindicated you from their view.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Ok. So am I your sidekick now, or your sex slave, or what?

HUGO WEAVING

I vilify that vulgar verbiage! Your valiant and valorous... er, vanquishing of those... villains... veers... um...

NATALIE PORTMAN

You're running out of v-words, aren't you?

HUGO WEAVING

Viscous.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Just stop.

HUGO WEAVING

(sad)

Okay.

HUGO borrows NATALIE'S ID, which inexplicably gives him access to ROGER ALLAM'S PENTHOUSE.

ROGER ALLAM

You can't possibly be here to kill me. We put all the heathens, liberals, gays and blacks in concentration camps, there's no one left who would want to commit a crime.

HUGO WEAVING

Funny you should mention that. Now kindly swallow this poison without a fuss, there's a good chap.

HUGO returns to his UNDERGROUND LAIR.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Did you just kill Roger Allam?

HUGO WEAVING

Yeah, you caught me. So... wanna help me kill some other people, too?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Sure! Are they government operatives, spies, or what?

HUGO WEAVING

No, nothing like that. Just the people who locked me up and experimented on me back in the day.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Wait, I thought you were trying to undermine our fascist government and incite the people into rising up in support of freedom?

HUGO WEAVING

That is my ultimate goal, yes.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Yet you're taking a break to murder all the people who ever wronged you? I mean, killing the face of the propaganda machine, I guess I get that. But a bishop and a coroner literally have no impact on the running of government. Pick a cause, for Christ's sake.

HUGO WEAVING

Well, there's almost a year until the next November the 5th, and we all know that if the revolution doesn't happen on that exact date, it's meaningless. Besides, I'll need a good few months to torture you.

NATALIE PORTMAN

What?

HUGO WEAVING

Nothing.

HUGO and NATALIE kill JOHN STANDING, but NATALIE escapes and goes to stay with STEPHEN FRY.

STEPHEN FRY

My role in this film as a gay, intelligent man with a sense of humor and appreciation for high culture is a real stretch for me.

MEANWHILE, HUGO arrives to murder SINÉAD CUSACK, who feels GUILT for her actions, and by MOVIE LOGIC is therefore no longer an AWFUL PERSON.

SINÉAD CUSACK

Is it too late to apologize?

HUGO WEAVING

Uh, kinda is, yeah.

SINÉAD CUSACK

Oh. Well then take my journal. Perhaps the director can make use of it.

(dies)

SINÉAD's journal makes vague references to words like KINESTHESIA and REFLEXES, giving DIRECTOR JAMES McTEAGUE license to do ANYTHING HE WANTS.

DIRECTOR JAMES MCTEAGUE

I've already doubled the amount of bullets in the finale!

HUGO KIDNAPS NATALIE AGAIN and takes a few months to TORTURE HER. She is interrogated by several MEN, all of whom are clearly HUGO testing out his ACCENT PORTFOLIO.

DEFINITELY NOT HUGO WEAVING

Look, unless you tell us what you know, we're going to shoot you.

NATALIE PORTMAN

That would be a welcome reprieve, thank you.

DEFINITELY NOT HUGO WEAVING

From the torture?

NATALIE PORTMAN

No, from the plot.

DEFINITELY NOT HUGO WEAVING

Oh. Well in that case, you're free to go.

NATALIE PORTMAN

...Da fuq?

After an EMOTIONAL ROOFTOP RAIN SEQUENCE, NATALIE is COMPLETELY FINE AGAIN. She leaves the UNDERGROUND LAIR to return to the world, which HUGO is now ENTIRELY OKAY WITH.

HUGO WEAVING

Well, November the 5th is almost upon us, and I must take every precaution to ensure things go as smoothly as possible. It's a good thing I didn't give Natalie any motivation to despise me before I freed her.

NATALIE PORTMAN

No, seriously though. You've lied to me, blown up public buildings in front of me, threatened my colleagues, stolen my property, used me as bait for a pedophile, made me accessory to murder, kidnapped me twice, tortured me physically and mentally for months, not to mention made me look like Sinéad O'Fucking-Connor. Why am I still protecting you?

HUGO sets off some DOMINOS that must have taken AT LEAST A WEEK to arrange.

HUGO WEAVING

Hey, I waited a year for my coup de grâce. Man's gotta have a hobby. Anyway, speaking of killing time...

As the BRITISH PUBLIC revolts for NO DISCERNIBLE REASON, HUGO kills people in a PROTRACTED SLO-MO FIGHT SCENE, sustaining a RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF INJURIES in the process.

DIRECTOR JAMES MCTEAGUE

Kinesthesia! Reflexes!

NATALIE arrives just in time for HUGO to succumb to the HUNDREDS OF BULLETS LODGED IN HIS CHEST.

NATALIE PORTMAN

What exactly would you have done if I had just chosen to stay at home watching old Robert Donat movies?

HUGO WEAVING

That doesn't matter now. What's important is that you activate this train filled with explosives and let it destroy the Houses of Parliament, potentially killing hundreds of innocents in the process.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Sounds legit. Thank you for never complaining about my accent.

She activates the TRAIN. PARLIAMENT EXPLODES from the INSIDE, rather than from UNDERNEATH, and the BRITISH PUBLIC watches in awe. EVERYTHING IS NOW RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Success! And ultimately, all thanks should go to the visionary creator of the source material, a graphic novel of profound depth and complexity, for giving us such amazing, original material to work with.

ALAN MOORE

Fuck you, cuntbags.

END