FADE IN:

INT. THEATER

JADA PINKETT and OMAR EPPS watch a horror movie based on the events in the first film. The infamous MR. GHOSTFACE from the first film is sitting next to them.

JADA PINKETT

There are no black people in this film, yo. Horror movies discriminate against anybody that isn't white.

OMAR EPPS

Hmm.

HEATHER GRAHAM appears on screen, taking her clothes off. However, no nudity is shown.

MR. GHOSTFACE

Damnit! They have the balls to put Heather Graham in a movie and not show her breasts? That's it, everybody dies.

MR. GHOSTFACE stabs JADA PINKETT and OMAR EPPS.

KEVIN WILLIAMSON

See? Wasn't that clever? I had a black person, Jada Pinkett say no black people ever get killed in horror movies and then her and her boyfriend get stabbed and--

Mr. Ghostface stabs KEVIN WILLIAMSON, rendering him unable to finish a coherent script for SCREAM 2.

INT. SORORITY HOUSE

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR sits, alone in the house, watching television.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

Isn't this clever? Not only does "Party of Five" feature my I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER costar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, it also features my current SCREAM 2 costar, Neve Campbell. Clever.

The phone rings. She picks it up.

MR. GHOSTFACE

I am in the house and am going to kill you.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

(bored)

Okay.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR creeps through the empty house.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

(bored, to AUDIENCE)

Isn't this scary?

AUDIENCE

(also bored)

Not really.

MR. GHOSTFACE bursts out of a closet and chases SARAH around the house?

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

(while running)

How about this? This is kind of scary.

AUDIENCE

(still bored)

Uh...I guess.

MR. GHOSTFACE stabs SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR and throws her off a balcony. She is breathing her last dying breath.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

Wasn't that frightening? I'm dead now.

She dies. The AUDIENCE yawns.

EXT. ELSEWHERE ON CAMPUS

JERRY O'CONNEL, ELISE NEAL, and JAMIE KENNEDY are all brutally murdered, yet, somehow, without much suspense or emotional involvement.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE

COURTENEY COX

Neve! Your best friend, your boyfriend, and the video store geek from the first movie and Buffy, the Vampire Slayer have all been brutally murdered!

NEVE CAMPBELL

(barely interested)

Oh.

COURTENEY COX

Don't you want to find out who did it and end all this horror and relentless psychological torture?

NEVE CAMPBELL

(checks her watch)

There's ten minutes left. I guess we could.

INT. AUDITORIUM.

MR. GHOSTFACE and COURTENEY COX are squaring off on the stage.

COURTENEY COX

Who are you?!?!

MR. GHOSTFACE takes off his mask.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

It's me, Timothy Olyphant, star of Doug Liman's "Go."

COURTENEY COX

Who? I've never seen you before.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Sure you have. I was in one scene at the beginning. Way, way at the back.

COURTENEY COX

Um...I guess I'll have to take your word on that.

She shoots him. He dies. Another MR. GHOSTFACE emerges from the shadows.

COURTENEY COX

Neve! There were TWO!

NEVE CAMPBELL

(asleep)

Zzzzz.

COURTENEY COX

Who are you?!?!

MR. GHOSTFACE takes off his mask, revealing...a chick.

LAURIE METCALF

Aha! It's me! Skeet Ulrich's mother from the first film back to get revenge on you for killing my boy!

COURTENEY COX

(laughing, barely containing) herself)

Oh, please. Neve, is this Skeet's long-lost mother back for revenge?

NEVE CAMPBELL

(barely awake)

What? Uh, sure, sure. There's five minutes left so...sure, that's her.

COURTENEY COX shoots LAURIE METCALF.

COURTENEY COX

Well, thank God that's over. I sure hope we don't ever have to fight another Mr. Ghostface in yet another clever "Scream" movie. Cause then they'd have to use the tagline "Someone has taken their love of TRILOGIES too far" and that would just be too clever.

NEVE CAMPBELL

(hurriedly)

Yes, yes. Can we go now? I have a TV series and about six hundred other films to do.

COURTENEY COX

Sure.

END