FADE IN:

EXT. PLANET SURFACE

ADRIEN BRODY slams into the ground at a bone-shattering speed.

ADRIEN BRODY

Whew, no broken bones. I wonder where I am?

DANNY TREJO falls from the sky.

ADRIEN BRODY

Okay, so the youngest male to win an Oscar and the star of "Machete" are in an action movie together. This promises awesome fight scenes, original plot developments, great characters--

Suddenly, DANNY TREJO is killed!

ADRIEN BRODY

Shit.

Fortunately, ALICE BRAGA, TOPHER GRACE, and A PLETHORA OF MINOR CHARACTERS appear.

ALICE BRAGA

Adrien Brody! I haven't seen you before, so I want to kill you! Seriously, I have no motivation for pointing this gun at you.

ADRIEN BRODY

Wait, don't kill me! I gained 20 pounds of muscle for this role!

ALICE BRAGA

Okay, I'll let you live as long as you take off your shirt once before this film's end.

ADRIEN BRODY

It's a deal. By the way, I'm an assassin.

ALICE BRAGA

Hm, so am I.

PLETHORA OF MINOR CHARACTERS

So are we!

TOPHER GRACE

I'm just an innocent schoolteacher.

ADRIEN BRODY

So we have a bunch of assassins and a schoolteacher... nothing suspicious here! Let's search this planet!

ALICE BRAGA

What for?

ADRIEN BRODY

For a way off. That shouldn't be hard.

They look for a way off. They don't find one.

ALICE BRAGA

Ooh, pretty plant!

TOPHER GRACE

Careful; the sap from that can paralyze you!

ALICE BRAGA

Seriously? Who fucking wrote this shit?

TOPHER GRACE takes sap from the plant on his knife. We are treated to a close-up so we know this is an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT.

They travel some more. This is REALLY, REALLY BORING.

ADRIEN BRODY

So this sucks. Why is this movie called "Predators" anyway?

Four PREDATORS appear.

ALICE BRAGA

Aieeeeee! That's terrifying!

ADRIEN BRODY

Because they're space aliens with superior technology?

ALICE BRAGA

No, because the 1987 predators looked way better than these. We are in the 21st century, right?

ADRIEN BRODY

Since we outnumber those predators about 3 to 1, we can either gang up on them, or investigate this seemingly abandoned structure.

They choose the latter. Inside the structure is LAURENCE FISHBURNE.

ADRIEN BRODY

Laurence! Finally, a real actor to redeem this shit!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(horribly overacting)

That's just what you think! I'm actually completely insane! Come sleep in my structure!

ADRIEN BRODY

He's lost his mind, but at least he's not trying to kill us, like the predators.

INT. LAURENCE FISHBURNE'S STRUCTURE

Everyone but LAURENCE FISHBRUNE is asleep. Suddenly, smoke fills the room!

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Surprise! I'm trying to kill you after all.

ADRIEN BRODY

But why?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Uh...

ADRIEN BRODY

Also, why fill our room with smoke instead of cutting our throats in our sleep?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS! IT'S TIME FOR SOMEBODY TO DIE!!!

(dies)

Crap.

ADRIEN BRODY

Everyone follow me! One of the predators is being abused by the other three, so he must obviously be sympathetic toward us. He can fly us off this dung heap!

As they look for the predator, all the minor characters are killed off, including one who takes off his shirt and sword-duels a predator. FUCKING SWORD-DUELS!!! Then TOPHER GRACE is caught in a trap.

TOPHER GRACE

Save me!

ADRIEN BRODY

Heck, no! You were that whiny little prick from "Spiderman 3"!

(leaves)

ALICE BRAGA

Don't worry Topher, I'll never leave you.

TOPHER GRACE

That's right, you won't, because I'm about to make sure you NEVER MOVE AGAIN!

He cuts her with the paralyzing sap.

ALICE BRAGA

Why are you doing this?

TOPHER GRACE

To use you as bait so I can escape.

ALICE BRAGA

But the predators aren't even around; we'd have been safer together!

TOPHER GRACE

Shut up, Miss Know-it-all; it's time for a cliché villain speech.

EXT. PLANET SURFACE

ADRIEN BRODY finds a predator tied to a tree.

ADRIEN BRODY

I'm going to free you, so long at you agree to help me. Do we have a deal?

PREDATOR

(indecipherable alien speech)

ADRIEN BRODY

Despite the fact that I can't tell whether you're siding with me, or saying "fuck you, filthy human", I will cut you free.

He does, and the predator surprisingly helps him, killing all but one of the evil predators and dying in the process.

ADRIEN BRODY

Oh look, a predator spaceship. I think I'll remote-pilot it into space, thus tricking the remaining predator into remote-detonating it, thus convincing it that I am dead. Never mind that I know nothing of this technology.

He does and it works! He then goes back for ALICA BRAGA, but finds TOPHER GRACE still giving his cliché villain speech.

ADRIEN BRODY

Topher, you're evil? I had no idea!

TOPHER GRACE

Wait, how could you know that Alica didn't attack me first, instead of the other way around?

ADRIEN BRODY

Anyone who would paralyze a human being, then use them as bait for a predator has got to be evil!

ADRIEN BRODY paralyzes TOPHER GRACE, then uses him as bait for a predator. The predator kills TOPHER GRACE, prompting ADRIEN BRODY to TAKE OFF HIS SHIRT and kill the predator.

ALICE BRAGA

My hero!

ADRIEN BRODY

Now might not be the best time to mention that I got the last spaceship blown up by a predator.

ALICE BRAGA

Fucking asshole! That was out last chance to escape from this movie! Why would you do that?

ADRIEN BRODY

To open up the possibility of us returning for a sequel!

ALICE BRAGA

OH GOD NO!!!

END