EXT. SIXTY-FIVE MILLION YEARS AGO

The WORLD is FIRE and BLOOD. BRYAN CRANSTON drags his DYING BODY through the MUD and RAIN OF ASH while his FRIENDS and fellow POWER RANGERS die around him.

BRYAN CRANSTON

(weakly)

...Go go...Power...Rangers...

(coughs up blood)

ELIZABETH BANKS

I've won! I've turned the Power Rangers movie into a hopelessly dreary reboot just thirty seconds in!

BRYAN CRANSTON

Not...so...fast.

(coughs up teeth)

(hair falls out)

I still have time for the deus ex machina to end all deus ex machinas!

ELIZABETH BANKS

Nonsense! What could possibly stop me n-

ELIZABETH gets KNOCKED OUT by an ASTEROID.

ELIZABETH BANKS

BULL. SHIT.

(dies)

BILL HADERBOT

Wow, when you said "deus ex machina" I thought you'd be exaggerating but that was a literal bolt from heaven.

BRYAN CRANSTON

Help me, Haderbot. I'm in bad shape.

BILL HADERBOT

You were right next to an asteroid crash that we're implying killed the dinosaurs. I'm astonished you're not a cloud of red soup.

BILL HADERBOT downloads BRYAN'S CONSCIOUSNESS into a SPACESHIP.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL (SIXTY-FIVE MILLION YEARS LATER)

DACRE MONTGOMERY and a FRIEND are sneaking a COW into the LOCKER ROOM.

DARCE MONTGOMERY

Ugh, this cow is so angsty!

FRIEND

Don't worry, I just finished jacking the cow off. He should calm down.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

That's...that's a joke right? That can't actually be a thing in a Power Rangers movie? You didn't...I mean you can't...

FRIEND

(small smile)

DACRE MONTGOMERY

...oh God. I am going to need ALL of the alcohol. Not to drink, just to drown myself.

We get a NICE CLOSE UP of the COW'S PENIS, confirming that YES, YES THIS HAPPENED.

POLICE

Alright, hold it right there! We're putting a stop to this before it escalates into necrophilia and meth cooking.

FRIEND

Shit, run away! Run away!

DACRE gets into a CAR CHASE with the COPS!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Tearing through a sleepy neighbourhood! Endangering lives! Smashing fences and cars! Proving I'm responsible enough for fantastic superpowers!

DACRE crashes into a ROW OF PARKED CARS, somehow sending them TUMBLING LIKE LEAVES!

COP

He broke my watch!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

DACRE'S DAD DAVID DENMAN drives DACRE to DETENTION.

DAVID DENMAN

You're in trouble with the law...lost your spot on the football team...probably fucked up your entire future basically.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

But when I become a superhero I'll eventually gain the strength and maturity to somehow fix all my personal problems, right?

DAVID DENMAN

Surprisingly, no. We're one of the few franchise movies to use the "sixties Peter Parker" route.

DACRE meets two other teenagers in DETENTION, RJ CYLER and NAOMI SCOTT.

RJ CYLER

Hi there, I'm the best character in the movie. I'm also on the autism spectrum, which means I can't understand jokes.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

What? No it doesn't! The author of this script is on the spectrum and I assure you...

(looks through Lachlan R's other scripts)

...oh. You might have a point there.

NAOMI SCOTT

And I'm Naomi, your future love interest.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Cool! And you'll also be the Pink Ranger, right?

NAOMI SCOTT

No.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

What? But the script said-

NAOMI SCOTT

I'm the Dark Pink or Sorta Purple Ranger. This movie doesn't really do color.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Okay, so what did you do to get into deten-

NAOMI SCOTT

I sent around some revenge porn of one of my friends.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

...

NAOMI SCOTT

And they're being so mean about it!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Okay, is any one of the Power Rangers not a complete asshole?

NAOMI SCOTT

My pain is deep. That's why I just cut my hair. I am a new person now.

EXT. QUARRY

DACRE and RJ sneak in.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Why are we sneaking into this abandoned quarry and does it have anything to do with the blue police box I just saw?

RJ CYLER

My dad thought there was something down in the rock.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Something...?

RJ CYLER

Just something. Anyway, I'm just going to detonate some explosives, see what happens. You know, archaeologist stuff.

NAOMI SCOTT

Darce? RJ? What are you doing at a quarry in the middle of the night?

DACRE MONTGOMERY

...I could ask you the same question.

LUDI LIN

Hey guys! I saw you from my trailer park and thought I'd come hang out!

BECKY G

I'm here too! For no reason!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

How popular is this fucking quarry?

BECKY G

It's Power Rangers, everything happens in a quarry.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Yeah, but we have a budget, it makes no sense!

RJ CYLER

Okay, full disclosure, I was lying about that Dad stuff. The real reason I'm here is that I just saw "Chronicle", and I came here so I could gain powers too!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Dammit RJ, we're not in Chronicle!

RJ CYLER

Yeah we are! We're a group of misfit teenagers struggling with angst and bullying. The next step is to head into a giant hole in the ground so glowing rocks can give us powers.

LUDI LIN

He's right, I even have a dying mother.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

That is the most ridiculous-

The MISFIT TEENAGERS head into A GIANT HOLE IN THE GROUND and find some GLOWING ROCKS.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Er...

RJ CYLER

Alright! Next step is gain powers!

POLICE

Stop! This is the police!

(beat)

Again!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Shit! I gotta get outta here!

(beat)

Again!

The FIVE TEENAGERS pile into RJ'S VAN and take-off at FULL SPEED, rather than splitting up on foot and hiding in the MASSIVE QUARRY and SURROUNDING FOREST.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

The cops are chasing us!

(beat)

Again!

BECKY G

Goddammit! Why does this keep happening in this movie?

LUDI LIN

It's like we got our wires crossed and adapted "Dukes of Hazzard".

RJ CYLER

It is a pretty suspenseful car chase though.

NAOMI SCOTT

If only we could have put the same effort into any one of the fight scenes.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

There's a train coming up ahead. If I can make the crossing before it comes, we can give the cops the slip!

BECKY G

Oh come on. We've seen this millions of times before. It's going to be a tight race, it'll look as if we're not going to make it, then at the last moment we'll-

For maybe the FIRST TIME IN MOVIE HISTORY, the HEROES get CREAMED by the TRAIN! The VAN is sent flying!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Aaaaaaah! I can't wait to see how we get out of this!

EXT. ANGEL GROVE - THE NEXT MORNING.

DACRE MONTGOMERY wakes up in his own bed.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Oh, we're going to leave the explanation ambiguous for a bit. That's cool, I can wait.

(waits)

The waiting will just make it that much more satisfying.

(waits)

Any moment now...

(waits)

You've probably forgotten it by now, so we'll just skip the explanation altogether.

DACRE MONTGOMERY staggers into the BATHROOM.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Okay, let's go through the "Spider-Man" formula for new powers...discover powers immediately after waking up...Check. Stare at ripped body in mirror...Check. Accidently destroy bathroom products...Check.

DACRE goes to school.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Oh shit, I forgot step four: "Bully gets creamed by new powers".

RJ CYLER

Don't worry, I got this.

(knocks out bully)

You're welcome.

NAOMI SCOTT

Guys, I left my glowing rock on the cafeteria counter and it caused food to heat up so much it exploded over everybody!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Holy shit they probably have severe burns-

NAOMI SCOTT

It's cool, the victims were just the cheerleaders who ostracized me for sharing naked photos of their friend. That makes it funny, not sociopathic.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

We need to go back to the quarry!

BECKY G

I agree!

(is not in this scene at all)

But don't I go this school too?

(is not in this movie much at all)

Fine, fine.

EXT. OCEAN

A FISHING CREW drags up ELIZABETH BANKS'S CORPSE. Suddenly, she REVIVES!

ELIZABETH BANKS

AH! AFTER 65 MILLION YEARS I'M FREE!!! ON THE SAME DAY THE POWER RANGERS CAME BACK!!! WHAT AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE!

FISHERMAN

You mean like an evil plot suddenly being foiled at the last moment by an asteroid strike amazing?

ELIZABETH BANKS

(kills fisherman)

NOBODY LIKES A SMARTASS!!!

INT. SPACESHIP

The TEENAGERS discover the remains of BRYAN CRANSTON'S SPACESHIP.

RJ CYLER

Ah! After careful searching, we've found the source of those glowing rocks! Of course by "careful" I mean "stumbled across accidently" and "searching" I mean "after I fell into a ravine because I was dancing on the edge of a cliff like an idiot".

LUDI LIN

So this is the movie's version of the Command Center, huh? In the show it always looked like a disco for colour-blind children.

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

Greetings humans! You have been chosen to become...the Power Rangers!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Awesome! So when do we get to morph? And ride our robotic dinosaurs?

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

You will only morph into Power Rangers in the last twenty minutes! We're not having any superhero action until the last act in order to duplicate the amazing success of the "Fantastic Four" movie.

NAOMI SCOTT

That explains the lack of color.

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

Elizabeth Banks is trying to build a giant monster! She'll be finished in exactly 11 days! I don't know how I know that since she appears to snatching materials at random, but still. Eleven days!

HADERBOT

The giant monster will steal the Zeo Crystal, somehow ending all life on Earth! We have just eleven days to train you up!

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

But don't skip school or anything, that would be irresponsible.

The RANGERS spend FORTY MINUTES OF THE MOVIE getting beaten up by TRAINING SIMULATIONS.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Weren't the original Power Rangers already martial artists, so we could skip right to the punching?

HADERBOT

Less talking! More getting beaten!

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

Remember, Elizabeth's foot soldiers are made of extremely solid rock, which is why they're called "Putties".

HADERBOT

And Elizabeth's main henchman in the show was called "Goldar", which is why in this movie he's literally made out of gold. I'm not sure if it's possible to further patronize an audience.

EXT. ANGEL GROVE - NIGHT

ELIZABETH BANKS assaults a HOMELESS PERSON.

HOMELESS PERSON

Oh God! Are you going to transform me into a henchman?

ELIZABETH BANKS

NOPE! I'M MURDERING HOMELESS PEOPLE SO I CAN MAKE A MONSTER OUT OF THEIR TEETH!

HOMELESS PERSON

Wh-What!? That can't be the plot to anything! What kind of movie is this!?

ELIZABETH rips out HOMELESS PERSON'S TEETH.

ELIZABETH BANKS

I'M BUILDING A MONSTER THE SIZE OF A SKYSCRAPER, AND NOW I HAVE SIX GOLD TEETH, SO I SHOULD BE DONE IN...SIX MILLION YEARS. FUCK, I NEED A NEW PLAN.

ELIZABETH visits a JEWELRY STORE.

ELIZABETH BANKS

GREETINGS! I AM A NORMAL HUMAN WHO LIKES NOT MURDERING PEOPLE AND BUILDING TEETH MONSTERS! MAY I SEE YOUR BRACLETS!!!

CLERK

Uh...sure?

ELIZABETH BANKS

(eats bracelets)

OH NOM NOM! NOW MAY I STICK MY HAND TO YOUR MOUTH AND FEEL YOUR GOLD FILLINGS!?

CLERK

Uh...I feel I should be showing at least SOME display of resistance here...

ELIZABETH BANKS

COME OOOOOOON!!! JUST BETWEEN US GIRLS!!!

CLERK

Well, okay. As long as it doesn't get weird.

ELIZABETH kills everyone at the STORE, which to be honest they kind of deserved.

EXT. ANGEL GROVE - NIGHT

The RANGERS sit around a CAMPFIRE.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

So I just found Bryan Cranston's head wants us to morph so he could get his physical body back! What a douche!

LUDI LIN

Er, can you really blame him? He's been stuck in that wall for sixty-five million years.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

He just wants a body so HE can be Red Ranger! That asshole!

NAOMI SCOTT

He has years of experience on you. We're fighting for the fate of the world, not a fucking inter-state football trophy.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Bryan sucks! Power Rangers suck! Everything sucks!

(fumes)

BECKY G

Guys! Elizabeth snuck into my bedroom last night! She asked me to lure you all to the docks so she could murder us!

NAOMI SCOTT

Couldn't she have just murdered you then?

LUDI LIN

Yeah, if she can sneak into one bedroom, why not all of our bedrooms? It's easier than fighting us all at once.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Never mind that! Let's go to the docks so we can defeat Elizabeth BEFORE she makes a giant monster. Crazy plan huh?

BECKY G

You know, it's rare that "walk directly into the villain's trap" is the most sensible plan in the entire movie, but I like it!

The RANGERS try to kill ELIZABETH but she captures them effortlessly.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

(struggling)

Aaargh! My super strength can't break this ordinary rope! Curse you and your magical Home Depot supplies!

ELIZABETH BANKS

TELL ME WHERE THE ZEO CRYSTAL IS!!

RJ CYLER

Okay! It's buried under the Krispy Kreme!

ELIZABETH BANKS

THE KRISPY KREME!?

RJ CYLER

The Krispy Kreme!

ELIZABETH BANKS

THE KRISPY KREME!?!?!?

RJ CYLER

The Krispy Kreme!

ELIZABETH BANKS

KRISSSSPYYY KREEMMEEE!!!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Okay! We get it! Krispy Kreme is important! God!

ELIZABETH kills RJ and then the other POWER RANGERS leaves the other RANGERS alive to AVENGE him.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

RJ! No! You were the best autistic character a blockbuster has had in years! You can't be dead!

NAOMI SCOTT

I know! What if we brought him back with literally the power of friendship?

DACRE MONTGOMERY

What? This isn't Yu-Gi-Oh, we can't-

RJ CYLER

(revives)

I'm back!

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

Rangers! It's finally time for you to morph into your costumes! They're the only things ugly enough to burn out Elizabeth's eyes!

The RANGERS MORPH! FUCKING FINALLY!

RJ CYLER

EEEEYYAAARGGHH!!! MY EYES! SO HIDEOUS!

NAOMI SCOTT

Why do they look so...boxy?

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

It's the only thing movie producers have learned from "Iron Man": make everything look like armour.

EXT. ANGEL GROVE - DAY

ELIZABETH BANKS is draining GOLD from a nearby mine.

ELIZABETH BANKS

I SHOULD HAVE TRIED THIS FIRST WOW WHAT WAS I THINKING TRYING TO USE FALSE TEETH?

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Not so fast!

ELIZABETH makes FOOT SOILDERS out of nearby rock.

BECKY G

Wait, if you can build monsters out of anything, why did you need gold specifically?

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Who cares? Heavily CGI'd fight time!

BECKY G

Why? Why can't we use real martial arts? All of Power Rangers is built around the premise that nobody recognizes a stunt man in spandex and a dinosaur helmet!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

I'm sorry? Did you say you wanted to see more pixels slamming into other pixels? Well here you go!

The RANGERS summon their GIANT ROBOT DINOSAURS!

BECKY G

WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE STARTED WITH THAT?

ELIZABETH uses the gold to make her giant monster GOLDAR!

LUDI LIN

(actual line)

That's a lot of gold.

MATTHEW BRODERICK FROM "GODZILLA"

(nods approvingly)

The RANGERS chase GOLDAR into town.

NAOMI SCOTT

Uh, guys? Our robot vehicles are causing as much damage as Goldar.

RJ CYLER

At least we got that part of the show right.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

(actual line)

Zack! Circle the Krispy Kreme, make sure it's safe.

(beat)

RJ! Protect the McDonald's! Naomi! Guard the Taco Bell with your life! Let no franchise fall without a fight!

LUDI LIN

Don't worry, Elizabeth is having major trouble finding the Krispy Kreme.

BECKY G

Okay, "unable to find the Krispy Kreme" has just supplanted "aliens afraid of water" as my favourite villain weakness.

The RANGERS fight GOLDAR and the PUTTIES for a while.

RJ CYLER

Looks like Goldar has us on the ropes.

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Don't worry! Our dinosaur robots can suddenly combine into an even bigger robot! With no foreshadowing whatsoever!

ELIZABETH BANSKS

(actual line)

HOW???

(beat)

I SHOULD PROBABLY NOT POINT OUT PLOT HOLES AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.

RJ CYLER

Goldar now has a sword!

DACRE MONTGOMERY

Well, now WE suddenly have a sword. Deus ex machina, baby.

The RANGERS kill GOLDAR! And then DACRE backhand slaps ELIZABETH so hard she is SENT INTO OUTER SPACE. I'm NOT KIDDING, that ACTUALLY HAPPENS. I could never make POWER RANGERS sound sillier than it is.

RJ CYLER

Did we just bitch-slap a woman to death?

DACRE MONTGOMERY

The first Rangers movie ended with us kicking someone in the nuts to death. Why not?

The RANGERS' GIANT ROBOT begins doing PELVIC THRUSTS. Because at this point, fuck it.

INT. BRYAN CRANSTON'S SPACESHIP.

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

Congratulations Rangers. You have proved worthy of the six sequels we actually have planned for this movie.

DARCE MONTGOMERY

Are you kidding? This movie had less impressive karate than the TV show that was produced on twenty cents.

NAOMI SCOTT

We spent a fortune on getting Kayne West songs, but only used the "Go Go Power Rangers" theme for twenty seconds. That's how mismanaged this film was.

RJ CYLER

There's no way this movie will-

(checks out Box Office Mojo)

Open far better than expected? What the hell?

BRYAN CRANSTON'S HEAD

WE WILL NEVER DIE. WE WILL REBOOT FOREVER.

"GO GO POWER RANGERS" finally plays in full over the credits, exactly the time to use an ACTION MOVIE'S MOST KICKASS SONG.

END.