FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE STUDIO

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #1

Robin William's movies have become too good lately. He's Actually turned into a brilliant actor rather than relying on relentless mugging and maudlin sentiment. What can we do?

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #2

Wait, here's a true story about Dr. Hunter Adams. He believed in healing patients with laughter. It's got a mental hospital, kids with cancer AND a tragic murder!!

YES MEN/STUDIO EXECUTIVES

BWHAHAHAHAAHAAA! Sounds hilarious!! Oh, man, what a great opportunity for Williams to do his schtick!

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #1

The best part is, we don't need a script! We can just compile a Patchwork of all of Robin's other movies and pass it off as new!

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #2

Great idea! We'll call it "Patchwork Adams"!

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #1

Make it "Patch Adams". We'll come up with some lameass Excuse for the nickname later.

YES MEN

Great idea, great idea!

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #1

(Into intercom)

Roxie, fast-track the new Robin Williams movie. And send Sharon Stone in for my 3pm blow job.

INT. A MENTAL HOSPITAL IN THE 1960S.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

I'm depressed. I'm sad.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Wait, aren't you my doctor?

MICHAEL JETER

Hey, this ain't Awakenings, pal! No, it's The Fisher King. So I'm going to play the same crazy character I did in that one and teach Robin how good it feels to help people.

Robin mugs and makes some inappropriate jokes that aren't really very funny, a la Father's Day.

MICHAEL JETER

Hahahaa! Oh, Robin, you're really helping me! I feel like I could actually be cured someday-

ROBIN WILLIAMS

That's great! Gotta go!

INT. COLLEGE - 2 YEARS LATER

Robin is the world's most unconvincing medical student.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(Sweatily/Nasally)

I'm your roommate. I have bad skin and therefore will be a real prick to you. Aren't you kind of old to be a med student?

ROBIN WILLIAMS

What the hell are you talking about? You look 40!

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Ssssssh!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Why are you such a jerk?

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Because this piece of crap movie made 100 times more than Happiness when they were released at the same time and that was a fucking masterpiece I was brilliant in.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Well, you're not cute enough to be my sidekick, anyway.

DANIEL LONDON

Golly, jeepers, Patch!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

He'll do.

Robin enlists Daniel's help to perform some of his man- child Jumanji/Jack/Hook antics in front of sick kids.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Now I need a perfunctory love interest.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #1

Er...I kind of promised a role to Sharon Stone.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

No, no, I want a girl half my age so I can look really creepy chasing her around. Get me a Julia Roberts lookalike.

MONICA POTTER

Snarl. Growl. Fuck off, Robin.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Oh, I love her!

MONICA POTTER

Why? I'm a two-dimensional bitch with no appealing qualities whatsoever and I hate men! Plus, Amanda Plummer played this role much better in Fisher King.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

But I love you!

MONICA POTTER

I love you, too, Robin!!!

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Super. Now you must die. It's very Good Will Hunting to have my love interest dead. I smell Oscar.

Monica Potter, who is bright enough to be one of only 6 female med students at the time, goes to a creepy house alone where a known psychotic lives. After her death, Robin goes and stands on the edge of a cliff remarkably like the one in What Dreams May Come.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

I killed her! I quit medicine! My life is over!

He turns around and sees a butterfly.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

A butterfly? In the middle of the wilderness in warm weather season? What are the odds? It's a sign! I'm going back to medicine!

BOB GUNTON

No, you're not. I'm expelling you.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

For teaching prep school boys to love Shakespeare???

BOB GUNTON

Er...sure. That makes more sense than my reasons.

There is a big trial where Robin makes a big, flowery speech and contorts his face into a grimace so that it looks like he's playing Popeye again.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Please don't expel me.

All the sick kids Robin made laugh with his PG-Rated Good Morning, Vietnam act somehow manage to leave their sterile environments and come to the courthouse to stand up for him. A nice, empty gesture that worked much better in Dead Poet's Society.

RICHARD KILEY

Robin, your behavior is inexcusable. You have violated every rule we hold sacred to this institution.

STUPID AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN A COURTROOM SCENE BEFORE

Oh, no, he's fucked!

RICHARD KILEY

However...

STUPID AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN A COURTROOM SCENE BEFORE

What? Did he say "however"? Wait a second...

RICHARD KILEY

You're so damn loveable, we're going to let you be a doctor!

STUPID AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN A COURTROOM SCENE BEFORE

Whoa! They tricked us! I thought he was screwed!

Everyone cheers. Robin gets to be a much funnier doctor than he was in Nine Months. At graduation, to show what a nonconformist he is, he dresses in women's drag and dances to "Dude Looks Like a Lady".

Suddenly, we see ROBIN WILLIAMS' ASS. This is supposed to be FUNNY, but it is actually VILE and VOMIT-INDUCING, much like the FILM.

END