FADE IN:

INT. OPENING SCENE

MEL GIBSON lays on a table, blood oozing from every orifice on his body. A grungy backroom doctor fishes bullets out of his back with tweezers and moustache scissors.

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Yeah, cool! Blood!

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

This is really gross and pointless but, hey, at least he's got his shirt off...

MEL GIBSON VOICE-OVER

(full Dirty Harry Style)

Permit me to recap everything you already know from the preview. In fact, this is the exact same narration used in the preview so rather than bore you, let's just blow some stuff up. Oh, what the hell, I'm going to bore you for the next 2 hours anyway, I'll give you the setup. I'll be sure to speak in a very low and gravelly voice so even the most thickheaded people in the audience will get the idea I'm one pissed-off dude. This is important because in the actual movie my dialogue will consist of grunts and monosyllabic sentences.

EXT. CITY STREETS - CREDIT SEQUENCE

MEL walks down the streets and steals wallets, pushes people around and looks angry. This is okay and nobody thinks twice because he's MEL GIBSON. He shows up at junkie DEBORAH UNGER's apartment and slams a door into her. Even though he will later decry violence against women this is okay because he's MEL GIBSON.

DEBORAH UNGER

Mel, you're alive.

MEL GIBSON

Ungh.

DEBORAH UNGER

I guess you're pissed that Gregg Henry and I double-crossed you and took your share of the money from that heist.

MEL GIBSON

Bah.

DEBORAH UNGER

Plus, I shot you a couple times in the back and made off with your friend. But only because I found out you were screwing Maria Bello behind my back, so I'm not completely unsympathetic.

MEL GIBSON

Gah.

DEBORAH UNGER

Well, you go take a shower while I go o.d..

MEL GIBSON beats up DEBORAH UNGER's dealer, who sends him to DAVID PAYMER's hideout. MEL GIBSON beats up DAVID PAYMER's bodyguard, then shoves DAVID PAYMER around. This is really kind of pathetic to watch because DAVID PAYMER is hardly a threatening looking fellow and MEL comes off like a big bully but then again, he's MEL GIBSON.

MEL GIBSON

Tell Gregg Henry I'm looking for him and I want my money.

Since MEL has beaten up so many people at this point and it's become tiresome, we instead feature LUCY LIU beating up GREGG HENRY.

LUCY LIU

I'm beating you up but it's funny because I'm a dominatrix and you pay me to hit you. I will also wear remarkably sexy outfits and smack you around with a riding crop.

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

YEAH! THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!

FEMALE MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE

Like, oh my God, look at how tacky those black vinyl outfits are.

GREGG HENRY

Man, I am such a bargain-basement stereotypical villain that you will forget my face the second you leave this theater. In fact, you'll think I was Will Patton. But this role is so bad even Will Patton turned it down. So did Dennis Hopper and Gary Busey.

MEL bursts into the room.

MEL GIBSON

Gregg, I should probably kill you now for leaving me for dead and taking my money but then the movie would be over. So why don't we meet tomorrow and you can give me the money then. I'm going to go beat some bartender up now so he can tell me where my ex- girlfriend, Maria Bello, lives.

CUT TO:

INT. MARIA BELLO'S APARTMENT

MARIA BELLO

Mel, you're alive!

AUDIENCE

Wait, didn't she already die?

MARIA BELLO

No, no, that was the other skinny, slutty-looking blonde. I'm a new character. I got tired of playing a complex, morally conflicted doctor on

the hit show ER so I decided to leave so I could make cookie cutter movies where I play the token girlfriend and the hooker with a heart of gold.

MEL GIBSON

Well, I cheated with you on my wife and left you high and dry but you'll take me back and risk your life for me because I have pretty blue eyes.

GREGG HENRY bursts in, beats and tries to rape MARIA BELLO. This is supposed to make us hate him even more, even though he doesn't hit her much harder than MEL hit his wife with the door in the beginning of the movie. But that was okay because he's MEL GIBSON. He shoots GREGG HENRY.

GREGG HENRY

(dying)

Thank you! This movie sucks; I'm going back to do quality work as the token villain in Brian DePalma movies. It's a lot more rewarding.

MARIA BELLO

Mel, you shot the bad guy. Now what do we do?

MEL GIBSON

Don't worry. I still don't have the money owed to me, he used it to buy into a faceless crime force known only as the Outfit. I will systematically kill the three top members of the Outfit...and they will each be a bigger star than GREGG HENRY. In fact, the higher up I go, the bigger a star the person will be and the more uninteresting their character will become.

MEL starts by blowing up JOHN GLOVER who has virtually no lines but is good at standing around looking menacing. Nobody on the busy street seems to look twice as MEL GIBSON explodes JOHN GLOVER's car in broad daylight.

JOHN GLOVER

Riggs, how could you? After all these years as partners?

MEL GIBSON

Shut up, this movie is nothing like the LETHAL WEAPON series...for one, it's shot through an annoying blue filter to give it a noir look. Besides, you're John Glover, not Danny Glover.

MEL then kills WILLIAM DEVANE and threatens JAMES COBURN until he gets to KRIS KRISTOFFERSON. Along the way he finds time to use DAVID PAYMER as a shield to protect him from bullets that LUCY LIU's gang fires at him. DAVID PAYMER's sad little comedic sidekick body is riddled with 100 bullets to save MEL but nobody bats an eyelash because he's MEL GIBSON.

AUDIENCE

WOOHOO! Screw your character-actor ass, Paymer! Mel Gibson is worth a hundred of you!

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON takes MEL to a creepy garage/hangar/torture chamber that looks very similar to the ones in CONSPIRACY THEORY and the LETHAL WEAPON films.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

I'm going to tie you to a chair now and systematically torture you, as all villains in your movies do.

MEL GIBSON

Finally, a torture scene! My specialty! What took you so damn long?

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

Even though I agreed to give you money, you kidnapped my son. That wasn't very nice. Tell me where he is.

MEL GIBSON

Well, I'm going to tell you anyway but why don't you smash a couple of my toes first just to be really gross?

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

You got it.

He smashes a couple toes.

MEL GIBSON

FREEEEEDOM!!!!

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!!

This is growing very gratuitous and going places most mainstream Hollywood films would never go but nobody seems to complain because he's MEL GIBSON.

MEL GIBSON

Okay, I'll tell you. I want all the remaining bad guys to go into this one room together.

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRIAN HELGELAND

This is not my ending! This is not my movie! I'm taking my toys and going home!

MEL GIBSON blows up the room, meets up with MARIA BELLO and makes off with his money.

AUDIENCE

(sudden realization)

Oh my God, this movie really sucks.

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRIAN HELGELAND

It's not my fault! Mel took over and changed the ending and I'm disowning the film! They ruined my movie! I wrote LA CONFIDENTIAL, dammit!

AUDIENCE

Yeah, but didn't you also write CONSPIRACY THEORY? Besides, the whole movie sucked, not just the end. How can you say this is not your fault?

WRITER/DIRECTOR BRIAN HELGELAND

Fine. Screw you. I'm taking my Oscar and going home.

MEL GIBSON

I'm taking my Oscars and going to the bank. See you suckers!

AUDIENCE

But...this sucked! You conned us into 2 really crappy movies in a one year period that basically endorsed violence and retribution! How could you do that?

MEL GIBSON

I know you'll forgive me. Because I'm MEL GIBSON.

END