FADE IN:

EXT. WELL-OFF WHITE LOW-RISE AREA (OF COURSE, IT'S GOOSEBUMPS)

DYLAN MINNETTE and his mother AMY RYAN are moving into their new house.

DYLAN MINNETTE

I mean, it's Goosebumps. Of course it starts with the hero moving into a new house.

AMY RYAN

It's a great way of introducing a setting and characters, Dylan. And speaking of introductions...

JACK BLACK

STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE FENCE!! GO NEAR MY HOUSE AND DIE, COCKSUCKERS!!

(fires gun into the air)

AMY RYAN

He seems nice.

JACK BLACK

(burns effigy)

LATER THAT WEEK, DYLAN runs into JACK BLACK'S daughter, ODEYA RUSH.

DYLAN MINNETTE

Hi, my mother and I moved here to get over our grief over my dad's death.

ODEYA RUSH

That's so sad! Maybe a night of getting chased by zombies and evil lawn gnomes might help!

JACK BLACK

Odeya! Are you talking with that Minnette kid? Tell him if he comes near us again I'll rip off his testicles!

DYLAN MINNETTE

Your father seems a little...intense.

ODEYA RUSH

Oh, he's a big softie! He just never lets me leave the house, speak even a single word to anyone else, or have the slightest human contact outside him.

JACK BLACK

(breaks bottle over head)

DYLAN MINNETTE

So, is there anything to do in this town?

ODEYA RUSH

Well, there's this amusement park I like to sneak off to when Jack thinks I'm sleeping. But it's being rented as a dozen supervillain lairs, so we'll have to be careful.

They visit the AMUSEMENT PARK, which isn't named "HORRORLAND" so way to miss a good GOOSEBUMPS in-joke movie.

ODEYA RUSH

Neat huh?

DYLAN MINNETTE

I can't believe it's so well preserved! You said it's been abandoned for years!

ODEYA RUSH

Oh, that's nothing. Watch this.

(throws switch)

(turns on lights)

See? All the park's electrical systems are working! And the owners are still paying the electricity bills after abandoning it and going bankrupt!

DYLAN MINNETTE

This place is freaking me out. Let's leave after I eat some years-old carnival food because I'm an idiot.

EXT. WELL-OFF WHITE SUBURBIA (DAYS LATER)

DYLAN hears what appears to be JACK BLACK violently abusing his daughter.

DYLAN MINETTE

Holy shit, this adaptation of a pre-teen anthology got dark fast!

AMY RYAN

I'm sure it's not as bad as the upcoming "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" movie where Tommy is a homeless heroin addict.

DYLAN calls the cops on JACK.

WACKY COMEDY COP #1

Sir, would you care to explain yourself?

JACK BLACK

Certainly. The crashing noises and shrill scream you heard was from a DVD I was playing.

DYLAN MINETTE

So you two were loudly arguing, and then a movie which had been quiet the entire time suddenly turned on the volume, after which it just as suddenly turned the sound off again, and both of you decided on a whim to just end the argument there without saying a word?

JACK BLACK

That's right.

WACKY COMEDY COP #2

Can we at least see your daughter?

JACK BLACK

No you may not.

WACKY COMEDY COP #1

Well I'm convinced!

AMY leaves DYLAN at home with his aunt JILLIAN BELL.

DYLAN MINETTE

So...I'm guessing you're one of the comic relief side characters?

JILLIAN BELL

Yep! I got you this T-shirt with nipple holes cut into the fabric and brand new flare pants! You're going to be the most popular kid in school!

DYLAN MINETTE

Yeah, I can't imagine why you're not a bigger part of this movie.

(beat)

That wasn't sarcasm at all. In the six minutes you've been onscreen your character gets more sketched out than mine does in the entire film.

JILLIAN BELL

True. You'd better make some excuse to sneak out so you're not completely overshadowed.

DYLAN MINETTE

Right! I'll go try and see if Odeya's okay!

JILLIAN BELL

Have fun! I'll be here being quirky yet emphatic!

DYLAN lures JACK BLACK away from his house with a phone call.

DYLAN MINETTE

Now to sneak into Jack's house. Nobody must ever know I'm doing this, so to maintain absolute secrecy...

RYAN LEE

Hi there Dylan! You told me there would be hot girls here!

DYLAN MINETTE

I've brought along a classmate I've known for less than a week.

RYAN LEE

Dammit Dylan, you never told me we'd be doing something illegal!

DYLAN MINETTE

Shut up! You're loud, awkward, obnoxious and cowardly, so obviously it's vital that I use you as a lookout! Stay right here!

DYLAN breaks into the house but RYAN follows him.

DYLAN MINETTE

You were supposed to wait outside!

RYAN LEE

Yean, but I was really scared! I saw how the interior of the house was covered in child-maiming booby traps and I thought I'd safer in here than out in the open...uh...

DYLAN MINETTE

Fine. But stay quiet.

RYAN LEE

You don't have to tell me. I want to get out of here as quickly as possible and OOH LOOK! GOOSEMUPS BOOKS!

(salivates)

DYLAN MINETTE

Goose-what?

RYAN LEE

Jack's got an entire bookcase of "Goosebumps" books! You know, the brilliantly written children's classics that are available at bookshops across the globe! Any parents who are hypothetically watching us should really buy them for their kids!

DYLAN MINETTE

I am willing to stall my rescue mission of Odeya so you can check out the Goosebumps books.

RYAN LEE

Awesome!

(drops book)

Oh shit.

RYAN accidently unleashes the "ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN OF PASEDNA" from the book!

ODEYA RUSH

Guys, what the hell!

DYLAN MINETTE

Odeya! You're alive!

ODEYA RUSH

And we won't be if we don't stop that monster!

RYAN LEE

She's right! I've read "The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena"!

(actual line)

It's snow joke!

ODEYA RUSH

...Seriously?

The TEENS chase the SNOWMAN, then the SNOWMAN chases the TEENS, then JACK BLACK captures the SNOWMAN and drives them all home.

JACK BLACK

Confession time. I'm not actually "Mr. Shivers". My name is R.L. Stine, creator of "Goosebumps".

DYLAN MINETTE

Yes, but what does-wait, your alias is "Mr. Shivers"? Was "Mr. Spooky" taken?

RYAN LEE

That's impossible! R.L. Stine disappeared without a trace after writing Goosebumps!

JACK BLACK

Actually I went on to write the "Fear Street" paperback novels and "Mostly Ghostly".

RYAN LEE

Like I said, you disappeared without leaving a trace.

JACK BLACK

Dick.

(beat)

Anyway, as a child I suffered from severe bullying. So I created the Goosebumps series to cope with it. But after a while they all started to become real.

DYLAN MINETTE

Okay, I hate to steal jokes from the "Ruby Sparks" script, but why the hell didn't you use this reality-warping ability to solve world hunger or something? Heck, it's even worse than "Ruby Sparks" because you can't just create your hearts desire, but every asinine monster you could think of.

RYAN LEE

I'm struggling to understand why it took you more than sixty-two books to realise that maybe you should stop bringing your own nightmares to life.

JACK BLACK

Shut up! Do you hear something?

CGI JACK BLACK

(best Jack Nicholson impression)

BWAHAHA! It's me, Slappy! The only Goosebumps villain you remember! And I'm not the only character who escaped!

The HEROES are attacked by...LAWN GNOMES?

DYLAN MINETTE

Seriously? Sixty-two books worth of villains, and we go with the fucking lawn gnomes?

ODEYA RUSH

Could be worse. It could have been the evil kitchen sponge from "It Came From Beneath the Sink!"

RYAN LEE

Or the half-chicken people from "Chicken Chicken".

(beat)

Why are these books getting a movie again?

JACK BLACK

(pinned down by gnomes)

HELP! A MOB OF LITTLE PEOPLE ARE TYING ME TO THE GROUND! I'M GETTING "GULLIVER'S TRAVELS" FLASHBACKS!

Eventually they escape.

JACK BLACK

Oh no! The Goosebumps books are gone! CGI Jack Black is about to unleash every single monster I've ever created!

DYLAN MINETTE

Every single one? You mean all the villains from the original sixty-two book run of "Goosebumps", "Goosebumps 2000", "Give Yourself Goosebumps", "Goosebumps HorrorLand", "Goosebumps Most Wanted", and all the short story anthologies?

JACK BLACK

Okay, okay! Every monster we've deemed marketable and able to fit into 103 minutes! Sheesh!

INT. WACKY COMEDY POLICE STATION

WACKY COMEDY COP #1

You know we seem to be getting an awful amount of character development. More than the actual leads, in fact.

WACKY COMEDY COP #2

I know! It makes you wonder if we'll be important in the climax or something.

CGI JACK BLACK

(bursting in)

Nope! I'm murdering your asses right here!

WACKY COMEDY COP #1

Oh no! An evil ventriloquist dummy! And...he has a freeze gun for some reason?

(frozen)

CGI JACK BLACK

Bwahaha! You and your deputy never appear in this movie again, so yeah. I just brutally murdered the comic relief onscreen. Goosebumps!

EXT. SMALL TOWN

JACK and the TEENS are driving through the burning TOWN of RAMPAGING MONSTERS.

DYLAN MINETTE

Jack, couldn't you just write a new story sending all these monsters back where they came from?

JACK BLACK

I could, but in order for my stories to come true I need my special magic typewriter!

DYLAN MINETTE

What?! Are you telling me you could have not written your stories on that typewriter and you wouldn't have created hundreds of bloodthirsty monsters?!

JACK BLACK

Well, at one point it's implied I used these murderous creatures to torment my bullies, so clearly I'm a horrible person. Not sure why I didn't just stop at Book No. #62 though.

ODEYA RUSH

Well, let's go back to our house and get the typewriter!

JACK BLACK

Actually I don't keep the all-powerful reality-warping typewriter in our house. Or in a bank vault. Or anywhere like that. I keep it...

(mumbles)

ODEYA RUSH

What was that?

JACK BLACK

I keep it a trophy cabinet at a public high school. That neither Odeya or I attend.

(beat)

Look, shut up!

RYAN LEE

Guys, it's time for another random monster encounter! Let's meet...

(draws name out of hat)

...the Invisible Boy?

INVISIBLE JACK BLACK

Hey, this is my third role! Were they trying to make some sort of statement or just saving money for-

(thrown off of car)

ODEYA RUSH

It's hard to be scared of an unarmed teenager when he's on the wrong side of a speeding car. Next.

RYAN LEE

Right. I'll just pretend that never happened and pick something else. How about...

(pulls name out of hat)

..."the giant praying mantises from 'A Shocker on Shock Street'"?

GIANT PRAYING MANTISES wreck JACK'S CAR. The HEROES flee into...

INT. SUPERMARKET

RYAN LEE

Time for another random encounter!

ODEYA RUSH

Again?

RYAN LEE

(reading scrap of paper)

It's "the Werewolf of Fever Swamp"!

The WEREWOLF appears.

DYLAN MINETTE

Oh shit. That actually looks pretty fearsome. We'd better-

The CAMERA reveals the WEREWOLF is wearing BRIGHT BLUE GYM SHORTS.

DYLAN MINETTE

Goddammit. I'd hoped for a real badass.

The WEREWOLF is hit by JILLIAN BELL'S CAR and thrown into a DUMPSTER.

DYLAN MINETTE

Now that's just rubbing it in!

RYAN LEE

Wow, we couldn't even put a stop to the lawn gnomes. Jillian really should have been the protagonist.

JILLIAN BELL

Aw, thanks Ry-

(written out)

JACK BLACK

Yeah, at least we got to see my plan for driving the wolf away with the horrible smell of Axe body spray, which automatically makes this entire movie worth it.

ODEYA RUSH

Now we need to find the quickest route to the typewriter. How about...through the graveyard?

RYAN LEE

Yes, of course! Let's also go through the abandoned insane asylum and the rundown Addams-family-style mansion! God, we are IDIOTS!

EXT. GRAVEYARD

ODEYA RUSH

Ah, what better place to be walking through while every horror cliché imaginable is coming to life?

DYLAN MINETTE

And in the full knowledge that the most common Goosebumps monsters are ghosts. Truly, we made the right choice.

SUDDENLY, a BEAM OF MOONLIGHT hits ODEYA and reveals...

DYLAN MINETTE

Odeya! You're glowing blue and sparkling like a Twilight vampire on crack!

ODEYA RUSH

It's good to see we're still resorting to Twilight jokes four years after the last one came out! But no, I don't know what you're talking about.

DYLAN MINETTE

Are you serious? Do you honestly not see yourself turning into extra-large Tinkerbell?

ODEYA RUSH

No! I'm completely oblivious to all the glowing!

DYLAN MINETTE

We've been running around all night! At no point did we ever step into the moonlight until now?

(beat)

Wait, no. It's much worse than that. Remember us walking around at night in the amusement park at the start of the film? And how you said you'd frequently sneaking out after dark? Like there is no way you are ignorant of this.

ODEYA RUSH

Nonsense! I see nothing out of place here!

(head spins 360 degrees)

JACK BLACK

Ryan, I think it's time we had another Random Monster Encounter.

RYAN LEE

Sorry, I lost the hat with all the names of the random monsters in it. It looks like we'll have to have a monster that actually fits the context.

ZOMBIES attack!

ODEYA RUSH

AAAAAAHHHH!!! Wait, were there any zombies in the original "Goosebumps" books?

DYLAN MINETTE

None that I can recall. For a man obsessed with ghosts R.L. Stine was curiously adverse to ghosts.

RYAN LEE

(searching through "Goosebumps" fan wiki)

There was a zombie on the cover of the "Goosebumps 2000" book "Attack of the Graveyard Ghouls". Although not anywhere inside the book itself.

(beat)

WOW. We are really REALLY stretching it.

ODEYA RUSH

Why go to all the effort to have authentic "Goosebumps" monsters if we're just going to throw it away? Did we sit through the vampire poodle and lawn gnomes for nothing?

JACK BLACK

Less lip! More running!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

DYLAN pulls JACK into one of the classrooms.

DYLAN MINETTE

We need to talk privately. Odeya's one of your creations isn't she?

JACK BLACK

Yeah, I created her out of loneliness.

DYLAN MINETTE

But...didn't you imply only your horror stories came to life? Doesn't this add more suspicion to why you don't use the typewriter to create peace, love and-

JACK BLACK

Yeah, yeah. Just make sure she doesn't know.

DYLAN MINETTE

Why?

JACK BLACK

It's not a Goosebumps story unless the protagonist secretly turns out to be something else. Like a squirrel, a stray dog, a bird, an orang-utan, a ghost, a vampire, a robot, a man-eating monster, an alien spy, an alien colonist, a comic book character, a blob monster, a basement-dwelling monster, or a time-traveling European princess.

(beat)

Those were all real Goosebumps twists. I'm serious. Look them up.

Our HEROES find the typewriter.

JACK BLACK

Okay, now I have to write a complete and fully-realised Goosebumps story to suck all the monsters back in. Shouldn't take more than an hour.

RYAN LEE

R.L. Stine writes "Goosebumps" books in less than an hour?

ODEYA RUSH

That makes too much sense.

JACK BLACK

Meanwhile there's a huge high school dance going on here. You should go tell them to fortify the school, I expect all the monsters will be coming to kill me.

DYLAN MINETTE

WHAT!?! Why would you ask CHILDREN to fight on your behalf? That is one of the most selfish things I've ever seen a character do, you piece of shit.

JACK BLACK

It's either that or smuggle me away from the building filled with hundreds of vulnerable teens. Which we end up doing anyway. Now go!

The STUDENTS board up the SCHOOL as EVERY PHOTOGENIC GOOSEBUMPS MONSTER EVER descends on them and yes, it actually is kind of awesome.

RYAN LEE

Oh look, there's the plants from "Stay Out of the Basement!" And the robots from "Toy Terror: Batteries Included"! And-

ODEYA RUSH

Enough! No one cares!

DYLAN MINETTE

The monsters are slicing through our defenses like hot butter! I guess that "Students vs the Apocalypse" battle we were building up didn't work out.

Our HEROES flee!

EXT. ABANDONED AMUSEMENT PARK

Our HEROES stop to catch their breath.

RYAN LEE

Hey, I found the "Random Monster Encounter" hat!

JACK BLACK

OH SH-

(swallowed by blob monster)

Wait, this isn't actually so bad. I'm just kinda stuck in here.

(beat)

Dylan! You need to finish my "Goosebumps" story!

DYLAN MINETTE

So the "Goosebumps" magic also works if you use a ghost writer? That also makes too much sense.

JACK BLACK

Just finish the book!

CGI JACK BLACK

Dammit! Why am I not commanding the blob monster under my control to just swallow you completely instead of leaving half of you out to give instructions!?

The TEENS try hiding from the MONSTERS at the top of the FERRIS WHEEL, but the GIANT MANTIS knocks it off its axis, killing everyone!

DYLAN MINETTE

Nah, we're fine. The Ferris wheel just rolled away, what else would it do?

RYAN LEE

But aren't Ferris wheels lifted up on an axis to stop the carriages from being crushed when they hit the bottom-

DYLAN MINETTE

(through gritted teeth)

OF COURSE NOT. WE ARE PERFECTLY FINE.

ODEYA RUSH

Quick Dylan, finish the story!

DYLAN MINETTE

Odeya, before I do, there's something you should know...

ODEYA RUSH

That I'm one of Jack's monsters? Yeah, I know.

DYLAN MINETTE

How? Was it the glowing?

ODEYA RUSH

Nah, it was because I kept on turning sixteen.

DYLAN MINETTE

Goddammit Jack, you are the worst parent ever.

ODEYA RUSH

Now finish that book! Banish the monsters!

DYLAN MINETTE

Alright. But you'll disappear too.

ODEYA RUSH

WHAT!? Why?

DYLAN MINETTE

It's the only way.

ODEYA RUSH

No it's not! You literally control the ending! You can write "All the monsters vanish except Odeya"! You don't-

(sucked into book)

MOTHERFUCKER!

All the MONSTERS are sucked into the MANUSCRIPT!

RYAN LEE

So did you write anything like "All the deaths and property damage were erased with the monsters"?

DYLAN MINETTE

Uh...

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - SOME TIME LATER

JACK BLACK is DYLAN and RYAN's new TEACHER.

JACK BLACK

I've broken out of my shell. Yay!

RYAN LEE

And everyone knows you created the monsters that razed the town. I'm surprised we haven't lynched you.

DYLAN MINETTE

I'm still sad about Odeya.

JACK BLACK

Don't worry kid. Just because our favourite fictional characters never really existed, doesn't mean that can't make a difference in our hearts and minds.

DYLAN MINETTE

Wow, what a surprisingly mature message. Not only does it speak about what "Goosebumps" meant to a generation of readers, but it's also a statement on art and nostalgia as a whole. How-

ODEYA RUSH

PSYCH! JACK BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE MOTHERFUCKERS!

JACK BLACK

Yes, and as one of my creations she's explicitly unable to age or die! She'll be wandering around until the sun expands but don't think about it, don't think about it...

DYLAN MINETTE

Well, there's still one mandatory "Goosebumps" cliché we're still missing.

JACK BLACK

And what's that?

INVISIBLE JACK BLACK

BOO! Still here!

DYLAN MINETTE

...the mandatory twist ending.

END...OR IS IT???