FADE IN:

INT. BORINGSVILLE, MICHIGAN

A terrified HALF NAKED GIRL runs out of her suburban home. IN HEELS.

GIRL’S FATHER

I have absolutely no problem with what you're wearing. What are you running from, sweetheart?

HALF NAKED GIRL

This film’s soundtrack!

80'S JOHN CARPENTER SYNTH AUDIO MIX

I DESTROY YOUR THEATER’S SUBWOOFERS! BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

The GIRL steals a car and drives to the beach.

HALF NAKED GIRL

This wide open space will surely protect me from the supernatural creature that’s out to get me!

(is brutally murdered)

INT. A HOUSE ON THE CORNER OF OMINOUS AVE AND FORBODING BLVD

MAIKA MONROE is swimming in a pool of SYMBOLISM.

LILI SEPE

Hey sis, I hear you have a hot date tonight with a nice looking boy.

MAIKA MONROE

Yes, he is quite dreamy despite the fact he lives in a dilapidated house in the toxic waste part of town, aka Detroit.

KEIR GILCHRIST

Well as your dorky neighbor who might as well have “I am in love with Maika” tattooed across my ass cheeks, I must express my distrust of that asshole. Back me up, sis.

OLIVIA LUCCARDI

Whatevs. I’m too busy using this clamshell e-reader to let everyone know this movie actually takes place in modern day even though literally everything else screams 70s period piece: the clothes, the TVs, the cars, the music-- EVERYTHING. Also fuck modern technology for ruining horror movies.

(swallows everyone’s cell phones and personal computers)

MAIKA goes to the movies with her boyfriend JAKE WEARY who is a DREAMBOAT.

MAIKA MONROE

Let’s play a game. Pick someone out of the crowd who you’d like to trade places with and I will guess who you picked. Is it that you-looking guy making out with that me-looking girl over there?

JAKE WEARY

No, I’d rather trade places with that little boy who’s with his family. That kid’s got his whole life ahead of him. His WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.

MAIKA MONROE

Wow, that sure doesn’t sound ominous at all. So who do you think I picked?

JAKE WEARY

Is it that girl slowly shambling towards us with murderous determination in her cold dead unflinching eyes?

MAIKA MONROE

What girl? I don’t see her.

JAKE WEARY

HOLY FUCK RUN err I mean can we kindly leave, please?

MAIKA MONROE

You’re acting like a total weirdo. Luckily that’s EXACTLY what turns me on! Take me to a place where a nice girl would feel comfortable engaging in intercourse.

JAKE drives MAIKA to an abandoned building in the middle of NOWHERE.

MAIKA MONROE

Perfect! Panties unlocked!

They have sex underneath the ONLY STREET LAMP in the area so that all the nearby hobos can watch them GET BUSY without having to squint too hard.

MAIKA MONROE

Ah, this is so romantic! This Is exactly how I imagined my first time with the boy of my dreams. I mean so many girls fantasize about meeting the perfect boy but I actually found him--

(is chloroformed)

MAIKA wakes up half naked and tied to a WHEELCHAIR.

JAKE WEARY

Listen up, Maika. I’ve given you an STD!

MAIKA MONROE

YOU GAVE ME HERPES?!?!?!

JAKE WEARY

No, the OTHER kind of STD: Sexually Transmitted Demon... curse. Some girl passed it to me and now I’ve passed it on to you!

MAIKA MONROE

You drugged me and tied me to a chair, so yeah, this totally sounds reasonable coming from you, bastard.

JAKE WEARY

I’M SERIOUS! It will FOLLOW you wherever you go until it kills you, then me, then everyone who has passed along the curse until it reaches the person who started it, but luckily it walks about as fast as my grandma after hip surgery so you have time to escape or pass the curse on.

MAIKA MONROE

Waitwaitwait-- it walks, but can it, like, drive a car? Or climb ladders? And what if I pass the curse to someone in say Europe, is the It going to swim all the way over there to kill that person before swimming all the way back to kill me? Or is it capable of sneaking onto a plane on account of only being visible to those that have the curse? I MUST KNOW THESE CRUCIAL DETAILS!!

JAKE WEARY

NO MORE EXPLAINING! Oh, and It can look like anyone, even your loved ones, whatever helps it to get close to you. Look, there it is!

They see a NAKED WOMAN slowly shambling towards them.

MAIKA MONROE

Uh... How does taking THAT form help it to get close to me? Wouldn’t looking like my mom or a police officer be a better idea?

JAKE WEARY

DIDN’T I SAY NO MORE EXPLAINING?! Now I’m going to drop you off at your house still half naked and tied up because I’m still trying to be a gentleman here. Good luck!

(fucks right off!)

MAIKA is questioned by THE POLICE.

MAIKA MONROE

That’s right officer, this man kidnapped me and tied me up before spinning some crazy story about a sex curse. Please go out and arrest him.

THE POLICE

But you say the sex was consensual, right?

MAIKA MONROE

Well, yeah, but--

THE POLICE

NO CRIMES HERE!

(is never seen again)

MAIKA attends school and notices an OLD WOMAN in a hospital gown slowly shambling towards her.

80'S JOHN CARPENTER SYNTH AUDIO MIX

AWWWW YEAH I’M BACK BITCHES! BAROOOM BA BOOM BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

(obliterates your eardrums)

MAIKA escapes and seeks refuge with her friends who help her to track down JAKE by using a little thing called CLUES that the police completely ignored.

JAKE WEARY

I’m sorry about what I did to you Maika, but I had no choice!

MAIKA MONROE

Taking me out on two dates and renting a house with a fake name so I couldn’t find you wasn’t a choice?

JAKE WEARY

Err...

MAIKA MONROE

Why didn't you just sleep with a prostitute? She could have easily passed on the curse as well as relieved our town of a couple dozen Jordan Belforts. But no, instead you chose to fuck over an innocent young girl just to ensure that your ass was covered. Explain that.

JAKE WEARY

Well, I, um... can’t argue with that. I am the literal definition of a turd sandwich. So I guess you’re going to turn me into the cops now?

MAIKA MONROE

You're goddamn right I am! Your ass is going away for

(distracted by blades of grass)

(just kinda leaves)

JAKE WEARY

Wait, so I get off totally scott free? Whoo Hoo!

(goes to Hooters)

MAIKA sulks over her IMPENDING DOOM.

LILI SEPE

I don’t get what’s so scary about a monster that just walks towards you. Wouldn’t this creature be more effective if it ran and jumped out at you as a loud chord is heard on the soundtrack?

MAIKA MONROE

No, stupid. We’re trading in cheap jump scares for creepy atmosphere and tension building. You see that girl walking towards us HOLY FUCK THAT COULD BE THE IT but luckily it’s not. Phew! See? Anyone out of focus in the background could be the evil demon closing in on me. The only way I'm going to survive is to pass on the curse.

KEIR GILCHRIST

OH!! OH!! ME!! PLEASE PICK ME!! I willingly volunteer my greasy unused penis!! Err, you know, as any good non-desperate for sex friend would do.

MAIKA MONROE

I think I just fractured my windpipe from laughing so hard. No, Keir, I will not have sex with you, even if it means staving off a supernatural sex monster that wants to kill me.

DANIEL ZOVATTO

Hey Maika, I’m the grungy Cro-Magnon looking guy who lives down the block and I too volunteer to be your sex guinea pig and be cursed if it means I get to plow you.

MAIKA MONROE

Deal!

KEIR GILCHRIST

(frowns)

MAIKA MONROE

But not just yet, otherwise I might look like a skank-hoe. I need to be pushed to the breaking point before the audience is okay with me passing the curse to an unsuspecting victim.

The IT breaks into MAIKA’s house and appears as a DISHEVELED HALF NAKED GIRL.

MAIKA MONROE

Okay, seriously, how the hell is THAT form supposed to allow you to get closer to me?

IT

Good point, how about this:

(becomes super-sized Slender Man)

MAIKA MONROE

Do you just not understand the concept of how a lure works? Fuck you man, I’m outta here.

MAIKA escapes by riding a TRICYCLE to a playground that’s virtually RIGHT NEXT to her house. Her friends catch up with her in seconds.

KEIR GILCHRIST

Wait, so do you actually WANT the It to catch up to you or are you just OCD about testing out playground swing sets?

MAIKA MONROE

You’re right. Let’s go somewhere that’s totally exposed and that has absolutely no escape route!

EXT. THE BEACH

MAIKA contemplates her fate in the LAWN CHAIR OF SHAME.

LILI SEPE

Maika, you do realize the rest of us still don’t believe this horse shit about an invisible sex monster, right? There’s still a 50/50 chance this will turn out to be some sort of psychological buffoonery that’s all in your head.

OLIVIA LUCCARDI

Yeah Maika, totes lame. You’ve basically just been screaming at air and running around like a crazy person. You’re lucky we don’t dump your ass at the nearest looney bin.

KEIR GILCHRIST

Well I still believe you Maika, because my boner.

MAIKA MONROE

Well just for that I’m going to keep my back turned to this beach’s only entry point because contracting a sex curse makes your brain dumb.

The IT walks up behind MAIKA and OH SHIT IT ACTUALLY HAS MASS AND ATTACKS MAIKA IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! She escapes in a car and gets oh, say, 12 whole feet before she CRASHES and is knocked unconscious!

IT

Har har! You’re mine now!

The IT slowly moon-walks towards her and

INT. HOSPITAL

MAIKA wakes up with a cast on her arm.

MAIKA MONROE

The hell? How the fuck did I get here before the It could get me?

DANIEL ZOVATTO

The magic of editing. I assume that last encounter scared the frigidness out of you so we gonna mash genitals now or what?

They DO!

KEIR GILCHRIST

(dies a little inside)

A couple of days go by and DANIEL is still NOT DEAD.

DANIEL ZOVATTO

See Maika? It was all in your head and whoa why is my mom standing in front of me with her titties out--

(is raped to death by the It!)

80'S JOHN CARPENTER SYNTH AUDIO MIX

YEAAAAAH BOYYYY I’M SETTING OFF CAR ALARMS AND SHATTERING SOME WINDOWS ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!!!

(registers as an 11 on the Richter scale)

MAIKA runs away to the BEACH again because OKAY ENOUGH WITH ALL THE WATER IMAGERY ALREADY JEEZ.

MAIKA MONROE

Oh look, three douchebags on a boat. I’ll just strip down to my underwear and swim towards them with “insert penis here” written on my stomach with an arrow pointing down and

INT. MAIKA’S HOUSE

MAIKA MONROE

Hey wait a second did I really just let those guys gangbang me to keep the It off my ass? Or did I just have sex with one guy? Or none? I’d hate to think that this one ambiguous scene could incite the biggest argument on the internets.

But it DOES!

MAIKA goes home and wastes the few hours of calm she just bought herself by EMOING UP THE WHOLE ENTIRE SCREEN.

KEIR GILCHRIST

(points to boner)

MAIKA MONROE

(gives him the finger)

KEIR GILCHRIST

Damn. Well I have an idea. Remember that indoor pool we used to go to as kids? Let’s have the movie’s climax there.

MAIKA MONROE

Yes, because this movies really needs ANOTHER scene of me bathing while fully clothed.

As they leave the house, MAIKA sees the IT standing on the roof in the form of a NAKED DUDE with an INSANELY BUSHY CROTCH.

MAIKA MONROE

HOW IS THAT FORM SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU GET CLOSE TO ME?!!? AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON THE ROOF?! HOW DID YOU EVEN GET UP THERE? CAN YOU TELEPORT OR WHAT?!!?

IT

Bitch don’t question my life choices!

(gyrates hips)

INT. ABANDONED SWIMMING POOL (WHICH SOMEONE HAS STILL TAKEN THE TIME TO PROPERLY CLEAN AND KEEP FILLED WITH WATER)

LILI SEPE

Alright, so we’ve scrounged up every old appliance we could find and plugged it in to these outlets because someone is still paying the electric bill for this place. So now when the It goes in the pool to get Maika she’ll jump out and we’ll electrocute the motherfucker.

KEIR GILCHRIST

And in case that doesn’t work I’ll shoot the monster with this gun I have even though I can’t see the It and I’ve never fired a gun before.

OLIVIA LUCCARDI

And I’ll be

(100% fucking useless)

MAIKA gets in the pool and they WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT SOME MORE AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT A LITTLE BIT MORE AND

MAIKA MONROE

OH SHIT THERE IT IS!

LILI SEPE

WHERE?!

MAIKA MONROE

RIGHT THERE!

KEIR GILCHRIST

WHERE? YOU’RE NOT EVEN POINTING!

MAIKA MONROE

RIGHT THERE!

OLIVIA LUCCARDI

(busy not giving a shit)

MAIKA MONROE

IT’S RIGHT THERE!

EVERYBODY

WHERE?!?!?!?!

IT

(hurling shit at Maika)

OMG I’M RIGHT HERE! JESUSDAMNIT YOU GUYS ARE STUPID!

The IT beans MAIKA with the PLUGGED IN APPLIANCES in the most dangerous game of WATER POLO ever played.

MAIKA MONROE

I’m not even being electrocuted so our plan was fucked from the very beginning!

IT

That’s not the ONLY thing that’s about to be fucked! Now, to jump in the water and kill you!

(pause)

Or just not do that I guess. Am I afraid of water? Can I not swim? Did we just go full Shyamalan here or what?

KEIR tries to shoot the IT and hits OLIVIA instead.

OLIVIA LUCCARDI

(1000% even more fucking uselesser)

KEIR GILCHRIST

Hey! Let’s throw this sheet over the It so we can actually see it!

OLIVIA LUCCARDI

Holy shit that worked? Wait, so could we have actually caged this thing or trapped it somehow?

KEIR GILCHRIST

Let’s test that theory by throwing it into the pool with Maika!

They DO and the IT tries to MURDER/DEATH/KILL MAIKA. KEIR uses the power of his BLUE BALLS to shoot the invisible monster right in its invisible face!

The entire pool fills with MONSTER BLOOD that only MAIKA can see.

KEIR GILCHRIST

So did I kill it?

MAIKA MONROE

Either that or it's experiencing a really heavy flow this month.

LILI SEPE

But is there a body?

MAIKA MONROE

Nope.

KEIR GILCHRIST

Then it’s surely dead! Mission accomplished!

INT. SEXY TIME

KEIR GILCHRIST

Please, Maika. Please please please have sex with me now. Please, baby please, baby baby baby baby please have sex with me.

MAIKA MONROE

(caves)

They DO IT. MAIKA looks like a kid being forced to eat BRUSSEL SPROUTS.

KEIR GILCHRIST

Score! And all it took was saving your life and whining incessantly! THESE PIPES... ARE CLEAN!!!!

MAIKA and KEIR are a COUPLE NOW. They walk down the street holding hands while everyone wonders how the hell THAT happened.

KEIR GILCHRIST

That’s right, bitches! She’s my girl now, because I’m a pimp! That sex monster was the best thing to ever happen toHOLYFUCKISITFOLLOWINGUS?!!

IT

Uh-huh. I am so going to enjoy killing the shit out of you.

KEIR GILCHRIST

I know.

(pause)

Still totally worth it though!

END