FADE IN:

EXT. ZAIRE - 1967

WAR and DEATH and MONKEYS are happening! In a small village, AMERICAN SOLDIERS are hard at work succumbing to DISEASE when there is a surprise inspection by YOUNG DONALD SUTHERLAND.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Since we haven't developed de-aging CGI yet, we'll achieve the "young" effect by keeping me inside this full-body hazmat suit. What's the situation?

LOCAL DOCTOR

This virus is super deadly, look how it lays waste to entire squads of soldiers! We desperately need supplies and oh fuck you're already weaponizing it in your head aren't you.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Huh? Oh no no no. I'll be happy to airdrop you medicine, I can tell this village has a severe napalm deficiency.

(takes off)

LOCAL DOCTOR

Well shit.

The village EXPLODES as DUSTIN HOFFMAN'S name appears in the EXPLOSION all ACTION-STYLE, the only time THAT'S ever happened unless you count the Director's Cut of ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN #RELEASETHEBERNSTEINCUT.

INT. MILITARY VIRUS LAB - PRESENT DAY, THAT BEING 1995 - WHICH IS NOW NEARLY AS LONG AGO AS 1967 WAS WHEN THIS MOVIE WAS PRESENT DAY, WHAAAAAAT

The camera pans continuously as we see the labs marked BIOHAZARD LEVEL ONE, BIOHAZARD LEVEL TWO, BIOHAZARD LEVEL THREE, even BIOHAZARD LEVEL FUCKING FOUR, and holy shit the camera is just WALTZING THE FUCK AROUND RIGHT THROUGH THIS WHOLE DAMN PLACE, not getting CHECKED OR CLEANED OR ANYTHING GOD DAMN HAVE YOU HEARD OF CONTAMINATION PROTOCOLS FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!?

SCIENTIST

Plus look at all the shit we're touching with our bare hands! Hahahaha this is gonna look so horrible to audiences in June 2020, to pick a random month in the far future.

INT. BACK IN ZAIRE - 1995

Meanwhile, the crack Army virus team of DUSTIN HOFFMAN, CUBA GOODING JR., and CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER arrive at a small village to deal with a new potential OUTBREAK!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

This had better be good. I had to leave washing my adorable dogs, and dealing with my ex-wife Rene Russo who just took a new job at the CDC, to be here. Did I miss anything?

(checks notes)

CUBA GOODING JR.

This may be my first mission, but I've trained hard for this. I'm the most well-prepared, reliable soldier you could wish for. Now let's see how this kid is dealing with the putrid bodies of his dead parentsOHGODDDDD FUUUCK

(rips off hazmat suit)

(vomits)

(shits pants)

ZAKES MOKAE

(arriving)

Hello. Don't worry, he'll be safe, the virus is not airborne.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Oh thank goodness!

(rips off hazmat suit)

(pisses on suit and burns it)

(jogs about taking deep, deep breaths)

So who are you again?

ZAKES MOKAE

Uh, I'm a doctor and I was about to back up that "not airborne" thing with some evidence but sure, whatevs. The crucial thing is that this virus kills people super duper quick.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

That's lucky for us, it means the virus won't spread far.

(thinks)

Unless there's a host monkey that can carry it while not dying. And unless that particular monkey gets captured by trappers who want to take it across the ocean to sell to an animal testing facility in San Jose, and that particular monkey THEN gets stolen by some random douchebag who wants to sell it to a pet shop.

(smiles)

But what are the odds of THAT happening??

(general laughter)

Unbeknownst to our heroes, overlooking them in the jungle... is the HOST MONKEY!

HOST MONKEY

Mwah ha ha... don't mind if I do!

(grins)

Be careful what you wish for!

(grins)

Sounds like... fun! Hee hee! Right, I'll let them pick their favourite in post.

(pause)

Whaddya mean, can you get a take of a generic monkey screech? I guess so, but no way Petersen's gonna like that more than the killer one-liners I just gave you....

(sighs)

Fine, SCREE SCREEEE SCREEE hope that made you happy, wasting some film there. Ha ha, ooookay.

(sees final cut)

Oh wow this is some BULLSHIT

EXT. BACK IN GOOD OL' SUBURBIA, USA

DUSTIN and RENE are deciding how to divvy up their photos and dogs and such, while RENE prepares to head to the AIRPORT.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

You can't take the dogs! We agreed I'd be back yesterday to get them, so you wouldn't have had time to make their travel arrangements. You can't just say they're carry-ons or something.

RENE RUSSO

Can so! Look Dustin, it's over between us. Your relentlessness, stubbornness, and gigantic ego may make you a great Army scientist, but it made you a lousy husband.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Okay, but, what if a huge medical crisis allows me to use my relentlessness, stubbornness, and gigantic ego to be a great Army scientist again?

RENE RUSSO

Then you'd be an AWESOME husband of course! Anyway byyeeee

INT. ARMY BASE - MORGAN FREEMAN'S OFFICE

DUSTIN barges into MORGAN'S office, bursting with stubborn relentlessness!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

I hear you're shutting me down Morgan, what the fuck? This Mutaba virus we collected in Zaire is officially designated as super duper deadly! That's FIVE levels above totes deadly!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Dammit Dustin, you're OFF the case! Hand in your BADGE and your NOSE!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

But Morgan, surely you want me to study and map out this virus, so we'll be fully prepared in case it ever shows up in the US? Thus avoiding thousands of unnecessary fatalities?

MORGAN FREEMAN

This is Hollywood, Dustin. Obviously that's how it would happen in REAL life, especially decades from now! Ha ha ha ha.

(knocks back bourbon)

Ha ha ha.

(kills bottle)

INT. AIRPORT - BOSTON

ULTRA-1990s PATRICK DEMPSEY deplanes, collects his STEAMER TRUNK full of SINGLE EARRINGS and JACKET SNAPS, and finds his GIRLFRIEND waiting for him!

GIRLFRIEND

Hey babe! How'd it go with stealing that exotic monkey and selling it for mad profit?

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Not so hot, the pet store wouldn't take the monkey so I rubbed it all over my food and mucous membranes and then let it go. Now I'M not feeling so hot. Correction, I'm actually feeling very very hot.

GIRLFRIEND

I'll say you are!

(sucks Patrick's entire face)

Aw yeah gimme those sweet sweet viscous particles baby

(inhales Patrick's epidermis)

INT. HOSPITAL - CEDAR CREEK, CALIFORNIA

Meanwhile, doctors examine the PET SHOP OWNER that refused the monkey, who is now SUPER SICK!

CENTRIFUGE GUY

Hm, a centrifuge analysis of his blood will tell us what we need to know. As a fully trained, award-winning centrifugist, I shall now lower the blood sample into this running lawnmower blade WHOOPSIE SHIT FUCK BLOOD EVERYWHERE AW FUCK RIGHT UP MY NOSE FUCKING SHIT well a night at the cinema will take my mind off this.

CENTRIFUGE GUY does indeed go to the TALKIES where he also gets SUPER SICK and coughs VIRUS PARTICLES that float through the AIR and get sucked into someone's LAUGHING MOUTH, creating a MENTAL IMAGE that will persist in some people's brains right up until JUNE 2020! The virus is now... AIRBORNE!

INT. CDC HQ - ATLANTA

Over at the CDC, RENE and her team await the news from BOSTON.

RENE RUSSO

Here comes the fax now, people! Hold onto your pleated pants!

(reads)

Looks like the virus in Boston is... contained! Woo hoo!

(pops champagne)

AW YEAH WE DID IT MOTHERFUCKERS

(leaps on table)

(sprays room with champagne suds)

CDC TEAM

(celebrate)

(rip off clothes)

(slam back hallucinogens)

(launch 48-hour rave orgy)

FAX MACHINE

Hurray! Oh, here's another fax I was holding onto for maximum dramatic effect.

RENE RUSSO

(reads)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

INT. ARMY BASE

DUSTIN barges into MORGAN'S office, bursting with relentless stubbornness!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

I'm hearing that now I'm double off the case, what the actual fuck Morgan!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Okay yes, there might be an incredibly dangerous situation developing in California. But there's also been a resurgence of the Macarena over in Baltimore and we really need you on that PRONTO.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Grr, very well! I accept the state of things completely!

(wrecks stuff)

Here I go to follow your orders!

(smashes chair)

Ours not to reason why!

(shits on floor)

(storms out)

MORGAN FREEMAN

That went well. Hm, I should call Donald Sutherland and check if we're still being evil.

(on phone)

Hi Donald?

DONALD SUTHERLAND

(twirls moustache)

(explodes Alderaan)

(kills Bambi's Mom)

(trades away all his wheat to other players and then plays Monopoly ON WHEAT allowing him to then BUILD TWO ROADS and a FUCKING SETTLEMENT on the LAST AVAILABLE 3:1 PORT, RIGHT BEFORE another player was about to build there, like a FUCKING ASSHOLE)

Yyyyyeeesss??

MORGAN FREEMAN

Never mind.

EXT. CEDAR CREEK

DUSTIN shockingly DISOBEYS ORDERS and gets to CEDAR CREEK, where the ARMY is LOCKING SHIT DOWN with TROOPS and TRUCKS and HELICOPTERS, SO MANY HELICOPTERS!!

RENE RUSSO

(ducking helicopter)

Thank God you're here Dustin, otherwise I'd have had to run things myself with only my knowledge and experience to lean on. As you can see things are really going to shit, the virus ward is almost full.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

(ducking doorstopper)

And look, this guy in another room got sick too! My God... he was surrounded by AIR. And his AIR connects to this AIR VENT... which connects to the other AIR VENT where the virus patients are... who are surrounded... by AIR!! This can only mean...

(dramatic pause)

RENE RUSSO

(catches breath!)

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

(gasps!)

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

...it's AIRBORNE!!

(thunderclap!)

(lightning flash!)

(Hammond organ!)

INT. LAB ROOM

Our heroes hunker down to do some WHITEBOARD SCRIBBLING.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

For the plot to make sense there have to be TWO strains, airborne and not-airborne. But the original host monkey can cure both so don't spend too much time thinking about it.

RENE RUSSO

Cool. So now I guess we settle in to some rigorous, methodical scientific testing and research until we find a solution?

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

We probably should but that sounds hella boring. If only someone would-

IDIOTS

(outside)

YEE HAW C'MON BOYS LET'S BLOW THIS QUARANTINE

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Aw, thanks guys.

The IDIOTS pile into TRUCKS and lead the HELICOPTERS on a merry pursuit but they CAN'T AVOID the NEAR-SOLID BLANKET of HELICOPTERS surrounding the town! The HELICOPTERS corner the IDIOTS and SHOOT THE FUCK out of them and make them EXPLODE and CHOP OFF THEIR GOOD SURGERY ARM and then PLUMMET DOWN AND CRUSH THEM IN A GIANT FIREBALL after which their previously WELL-REGARDED MEDICAL DRAMA more or less SUCKS and wearily limps along to exhaustion.

MORGAN FREEMAN

(arriving at lab)

Oh hey there. I was, ah, just at the corner store and they have this wild new flavour of Coke, it's called "CHERRY VANILLA FLOAT AND ALSO ANTI-MONKEY-VIRUS MAYBE" have you tried it? I'll just leave this batch of it here, in case you, ah, want to taste it or inject it into sick people or whatever. Ha ha ha.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Hmmm. I think there's something you're not telling me.

MORGAN FREEMAN

I don't know what you're implying WHOOPSIE SPILLED MONKEY-COKE INTO THIS PATIENT wow, it cures the original strain! What are the ODDS?!?

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

(narrows eyes)

Hmmm.

EXT. CEDAR CREEK - BASEBALL DIAMOND OF DEATH

Meanwhile the ARMY continues to try getting a handle on the situation in the most transparent and humane way possible, by being CREEPY AS FUCK with vigorous shifts of STANDING AROUND OMINOUSLY and WORDLESSLY TAKING PEOPLE FROM THEIR HOMES while holding GIANT SCYTHES and INSCRIBING TOMBSTONES WITH THEIR NAMES ON IT, so that's going SWIMMINGLY.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - CHIEFS OF STAFF ROOM

In Washington the CHIEFS OF STAFF have convened to address the crisis.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

In conclusion, after we rip the eyeballs out of every patient in Cedar Creek, we should pour boiling tar on their genitals and then nuke the entire town. Or if you prefer, we can go with the "Mean Option". Thank you.

J.T. WALSH

This is my only scene in the whole damn movie so I want you all to REMEMBER it! When the press comes at you later, when they're asking what was it like making this film, I want this scene BURNED INTO YOUR BRAIN. I don't want to hear "oh, was J.T. Walsh in that?" I want my face SEARING YOUR MEMORY every time to go to SLEEP. Do you GET THAT.

CHIEFS OF STAFF

Uh, sure thing. Are we done?

(vanish from movie)

Cool.

INT. CEDAR CREEK - LAB

Back at the lab CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER suddenly COLLAPSES!

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Oh silly me, I guess I should have mentioned my suit ripped open the other day and I was doomed to drop dead any time now. Lucky I wasn't carrying delicate samples or anything like that! But I'd have to be a veteran scientist to be aware of that risk, so y'know.

PLUMMER starts convulsing! RENE tries to inject him with sedative but JABS HERSELF by accident!

RENE RUSSO

Fuck, I'm infected. Now the clock is REALLY ticking, amirite? Like who really cares about this assbag town but now the star of Freejack and Lethal Weapon 3 is in danger!

Enraged, DUSTIN stubborns into MORGAN'S office, relentless with barging bustiness!!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

You knew all along didn't you? You didn't just "find" that "new Coke", you and Sutherland are super evil!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Okay yes, the Army kept the original virus for use as a bio-weapon, and we want to keep it secret.

(pause)

But it's Donald who's REALLY evil, he's gonna have you arrested and then blow up the whole town. I'm more waffling in the middle until the very last possible moment, when I'll hand one of you a decisive victory. And I'm just saying, Donald has a nice cottage in Muskoka he's willing to let me use.

(meaningful look)

RENE RUSSO

(rushing in)

Dustin, there's a break in the case! Some two-bit security guard at the lab-animal warehouse finally confessed to letting Dempsey steal a monkey. He was hypnotized by that curly blob of hair, you understand.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Awesome! So this lead is being run down as we speak, I assume, by cops or FBI or someone whose job it is to be doing that?

RENE RUSSO

Nope!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Well turns out I gotta run from the law anyway, might as well multi-task! C'mon, Cuba!

DUSTIN and CUBA GOODING JR. rush outside and steal a HELICOPTER!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

See, virus? You're not the ONLY one who can be...

(dramatic pause)

...AIRBORNE!!

(thunderclap!)

(lightning flash!)

(Hammond organ!!)

CUBA GOODING JR.

Please don't do that while I'm trying to take off.

EXT. THE HUNT FOR HOST MONKTOBER!

DUSTIN and CUBA fly ALLLL THE WAY over to a RECORDS BUILDING and get the name of the SHIP that brought HOST MONKEY overseas! Then they fly AALLLL THE WAY offshore to the FOREIGN SHIP where DUSTIN HOFFMAN'S STUNT DOUBLE must complete a TWO-FOOT JUMP to get onboard!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Attention entire crew of non-English speakers! I need to know if anyone on this ship has been fraternizing with a monkey!

SHIP CAPTAIN

Ah hello unexpected frantic American, let me assist. Please accept this hot bath and fine whiskey. And now please enjoy unfettered access to my vessel.

DUSTIN inspects the belongings of a DEAD CREWMAN and finds a MONKEY PHOTO signed "BEST WISHES FOR YOUR CAREER, SINCERELY, HOST MONKEY"!!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

There it is! Now we can fly ALLLLL THE WAY back onshore and commandeer a TV station to broadcast this photo and holy FUCKING shit, all this running around. Why can't this be a June 2020 movie where some asshole could mash a keyboard for 10 seconds and have all this information magically pop up, to pick a random future month.

INT. REGULAR SUBURBAN HOUSE

DUSTIN and CUBA have flown to a house where a SMALL GIRL has been making CRAYON DRAWINGS of HOST MONKEY.

MOTHER

I was so relieved when I saw you on the TV with that monkey photo. I was worried I was at the start of some supernatural possession horror thing, SO MANY of those start with creepy crayon drawings.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Listen, we need your daughter to lure the monkey out so Cuba can shoot it with a tranquilizer. He will of course hide in the worst possible spot so your daughter can block his aim until the very very last moment.

HOST MONKEY

Which also gives time for me to deliver my final villain monologue! Nyah ha ha, ahem. You see, back when I was a young monkey podracer on Tattooine, Tony Stark stole my research project and...

(origin monologue cut)

Oh come the FUCK ON.

(shot with tranq dart)

DUSTIN and CUBA hop into the HELICOPTER with the sedated HOST MONKEY, and radio MORGAN!

MORGAN FREEMAN

(over radio)

Bad news guys, Donald called in the air strike to blow up Cedar Creek. Good news, I called it off so all that was really just burning up minutes. More bad news, Donald took TWO helicopters to go after you. And worse news, that leaves us with only 34,581,675 other helicopters.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Oh boy! This is gonna take some fancy flying on your part Cuba, strap in for excitement!

CUBA GOODING JR.

I thought we were just gonna sit here while they tilt the camera a lot to suggest we're not just sitting here.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Okay I'm sorry about the thunder-lightning thing, please TRY to get into it?

The BIG EXCITING HELICOPTER CHASE happens! DUSTIN and CUBA awkwardly lean forward and backwards in their cockpit rig while the camera tilts and rotates!

DONALD SUTHERLAND

You can't win. Eventually we'll figure out where they're filming your cutaway shots and we'll just fly there and grab you. OR, we'll just go back to Cedar Creek and wait for you to arrive. This is silly.

CUBA GOODING JR.

Oh you haven't seen silly yet!

CUBA flies directly at ONE COPTER while the OTHER COPTER chases him!

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Ha ha ha. Now we can just smoosh him between our two copters, easy peasy! And there's no way for him to escape OH FUCK HE WENT UP, NOW I AM FLYING DIRECTLY AT MY OTHER COPTER, BUT HOW, HOW DID THIS GO SO HORRIBLY WRONNGGG

But DONALD manages to VEER OFF! By the time the TWO COPTERS get their bearings, DUSTIN and CUBA have managed to run from their COCKPIT SET back over to CEDAR CREEK.

INT. THE LAB

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

We got the monkey! Cuba, start making vaccine from its blood! That should take like, what, ten minutes?

CUBA GOODING JR.

For you, FIVE minutes! Now it's time to show this virus my in-CUBA-tion technique, heh heh heh

(banished from script)

Hey, YOU wrote that shit.

(sorry, un-banished)

DUSTIN goes to check on PLUMMER who is DEADSVILLE and RENE who is WAITING TO GO THROUGH DEADSVILLE CUSTOMS.

RENE RUSSO

Ack. Urk. So ah, people whose names are anagrams of "Sour Sneer" get the vaccine first, right?

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Don't worry, Cuba's already got the Diet Cherry variety started. And now that we're all safe and the cure is in the next room-

(removes hazmat hood!)

I heroically expose myself along with you!

(smiles)

Er, people whose last names appear in all-time hilariously bad Ottawa Senators trades get the vaccine second, right?

DONALD SUTHERLAND

(over P.A.)

I'm feeling a bit sidelined here so AIR STRIKE BACK ON EVERYONE!! AW YEAHHHH

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Dammit! They're going to kill us all to keep their weapon secret! Don't they realize they could let us cure the new strain, then confiscate all the samples and data, and they'd have TWO weapons? Oh well.

(calls over)

Cuba! I know it's only been three minutes, have you generated a vaccine yet?!?

CUBA GOODING JR.

Hell, I finished two minutes ago! Let's go stop the bombing run!

DUSTIN and CUBA leap into their COPTER and fly off to intercept the BOMBER!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Hailing frequencies open!

(pause)

Attention bomber. I know you've been ordered to firebomb this town in order to save the entire country, possibly the world. But on the other hand, don't! C'mon, stop! Don't do this! It's wrong! Stop now! Don't! You can't do this! Faster, Maggie! C'mon! WHY IS MY GOD-LEVEL RHETORIC NOT WORKINGGGG

MORGAN FREEMAN

(over radio)

Dustin! Dustin come in! Be advised that if you block the bomber's path, they will be forced to abort the mission! Our mega-million-dollar aircraft can't possibly compensate for any slight change in course!

DONALD SUTHERLAND

What the fuck Morgan! Are you finally choosing a side?!?

MORGAN FREEMAN

(checks watch)

Nnnnnot quite yet. Please continue.

DUSTIN and CUBA fly HEAD-ON at the BOMBER which AVOIDS THEM and drops its PAYLOAD.... into the WATER!

BOMBER PILOTS

Ha ha, fuck you water! We don't actually care about the town or whether humanity survives, we just really hate water.

INT. COMMAND BASE

MORGAN FREEMAN

Well, guess it's finally time for me to choose... Dustin's side. Officers, arrest Donald Sutherland! Sure I could have made this choice five minutes ago and avoided the whole bombing run showdown, but whatevs.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

(being arrested)

Oh like I give a shit. This whole thing has just been an elaborate audition for The Hunger Games, whatever that turns out to be. Mwah ha ha ha, MWAH HA HA HA HA

(led away)

INT. CEDAR CREEK LAB

Meanwhile, everyone gets CURED and everything is TOTES AWESOME YAY!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Now that it's all over Rene, I have to ask you something...

RENE RUSSO

What is it, Dustin? Am I taking you back? Why of course, come here you!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

No, not that. Where the hell did you leave our dogs?

RENE RUSSO

(blinks)

They get CRUSHED by a leftover FLYING COW.

END