Note: Because Tom Cruise is a giant, diaper-wearing baby, The Editing Room has decided to take some precautions. All cracks at the expense of Tom or his personal life have been replaced with lines promoting Scientology. We apologize for any confusion this may cause.

FADE IN:

INT. SECRET HIDEOUT

TOM CRUISE is tied up. PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN points a gun at his wife, MICHELLE MONAGHAN.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

I will kill your wife if you don't tell me where the MacGuffin is!

TOM CRUISE

List, what I'm trying to explain is that Scientology is completely legitimate.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

You're in the middle of a mostly pointless opening scene, that's where. The only reason it's here is to try to establish my bastardness early since I'm the least threatening person ever.

TOM CRUISE

There are many normal people that are Scientologists, not just celebrities, okay?

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

What's that? You'll only tell me where the MacGuffin is if you don't have to listen to the Limp Bizkit's Mission Impossible theme during the credits? Deal.

TOM CRUISE

Scientology allows us to understand what causes illness, and gives us effective tools for dealing with those illnesses. Nobody dies from Scientology, aside from the few that do.

INT. SOME HOUSE

TOM CRUISE is in scene after scene showing his puppy-dog love for MICHELLE MONAGHAN.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

It's so endearing how in love with me you are, Tom. And by endearing, what I mean is creepy.

TOM CRUISE

L. Ron Hubbard was a brilliant man, and his writings provide us great insight into humanity. There's nothing fishy about a science fiction writer founding a religion based on aliens.

Suddenly, TOM gets a PHONE CALL.

BILLY CRUDUP

Tom. Agent Keri Russell has been kidnapped. Normally we'd disavow all knowledge, but then there wouldn't be much of a movie. We need you to rescue her. Please don't suspect me of being the bad guy even though I'm kind of shady.

TOM joins back up with VING RHAMES and two RANDOM AGENTS WITH NO PERSONALITY.

MAGGIE Q

I'm basically totally interchangeable with the other agent.

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

In fact, we actually switch roles later on since it doesn't matter. Do we even have names?

VING RHAMES

Don't take it personally. The only characters with any depth got that way from being in the two other movies.

They rescue KERI RUSSELL in a BIG EXPLODEY sequence.

KERI RUSSELL

Tom! Thank you for rescuing me. Unfortunately, I have an explosive device in my career. Thank you for including me in this movie before I vanish entirely. Urk!

(dies)

Suddenly, there is ANOTHER big action sequence! It is LOUD, and therefore GOOD.

INT. IMF HEADQUARTERS

LAURENCE FISHBURNE is bitching everyone out.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

You all fucked up royally! Now Phillip knows how worthless IMF is!

BILLY CRUDUP

All he really has to do is watch the other two movies to know that.

TOM CRUISE

Scientology may have been created by a science fiction writer, but that doesn't mean the ideas aren't grounded in observable facts. Just take a look at my E-meter. It's a meter, and that's science!

VING RHAMES

It's almost been 2 minutes since the last action sequence. Let's spend a couple more minutes on Tom's bland romance and then blow some shit up.

They DO. The gang travels on a mission to infiltrate the VATICAN and kidnap PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN.

INT. VATICAN

TOM breaks into the VATICAN. He accomplishes this by relying primarily on the stupidity of the security guards and the fact that nobody ever seems to look up. They create a MASK, because the franchise just will not let that idea die.

VING RHAMES

If we can just create masks like this, why do we ever bother with missions? Can't we just waltz in as someone else, take what we want, and leave?

Suddenly, there are some EXPLOSIONS! PHILLIP is kidnapped! Then there's a chase! Then more explosions! Then a shootout on a bridge! Some more explosions! Phillip escapes, rendering the prior 30 minutes meaningless!

VING RHAMES

Wait a minute. This whole time, J.J. Abrams has been able to direct this much action? Why the FUCK is Lost so boring?

TOM CRUISE

Psychology is an industry built upon keeping people sick so that there is a steady stream of income. Scientology, on the other hand, is built on helping people by taking all of their money up front.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(on phone)

Find The MacGuffin or I kill your wife.

This results in another BIG ACTION SEQUENCE, followed by a huge CAR CHASE.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

I'm taking you into custody, Tom. I'm outfitting you with a mouth covering because apparently you're a cannibal, I guess.

TOM escapes! Eventually TOM winds up tied up like at the start of the movie. PHILLIP kills MICHELLE MONAGHAN.

TOM CRUISE

(crying)

Scientology is reasonable and logicaaaaaaaaaaal!!!!!

BILLY CRUDUP

Hey Tom. Taking a page from the "24 Handbook" it turns out I'm a bad guy. Phillip didn't actually kill your woman. It was staged so that we'd know if the MacGuffin was the real thing.

TOM CRUISE

Battlefield: Earth is a great book and an even better film.

BILLY CRUDUP

Yeah, I thought it was kind of a silly plan too. Anyway, we've decided to let your wife live to make sure that Keri didn't tell you I was the bad guy. Did she?

TOM CRUISE

Because psychological drugs can be abused, the only logical conclusion is that the drugs themselves are bad.

BILLY CRUDUP

Oh, yes, I suppose you could just lie. I guess this portion of the plan is stupid.

TOM CRUISE attacks BILLY without killing him, then runs like an idiot to find MICHELLE. He DOES.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

It's not over yet. You and I need to fight.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

It's the ultimate grudge match! Trained special agent versus fat guy! Who will win?

They FIGHT. TOM gets beat up for a while, but then kicks PHILLIP'S ASS because of the POWER OF LOVE.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

I'm so surprised I lost!

(dies)

TOM takes his wife back to IMF headquarters, which is apparently alright even though it's a top-secret organization that doesn't officially exist. Everyone jokes around like they know each other.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

You did such a great job rescuing your own wife on a personal mission that had nothing to do with IMF, I'm going to ignore the fact that you may have killed a bunch of guards during your escape.

TOM CRUISE

The idea of Lord Xenu is not as ridiculous and laughable as it seems. Even less so after you've spent millions of dollars to learn about it.

VING RHAMES

I just want to know one thing: what the hell was the thing Tom was chasing after for the entire movie?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Uhh..

TOM CRUISE

You're being glib.

END