FADE IN:

EXT. CITYSCAPE

As the CREDITS fade in, we fly all around a CGI model, ripping off SPIDER-MAN.

Eventually, the credits cease as BEN AFFLECK IN A SILLY COSTUME enters the frame.

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

Now that we've revealed my costume, let's all endure a horribly long and boring flashback.

FADE TO:

EXT. HELL'S KITCHEN

BEN AFFLECK'S origin story is told in a way that is uniquely both overly rushed and slow as hell. Attempts are made to conjure up emotion. They FAIL. Shitty pop-rock music blares, the lyrics of which literally describe the scenes.

BEN AFFLECK (V.O.)

I was blinded as a kid, but I discovered that, despite my blindness, all of my other senses functioned at a superhuman level. It took me a ridiculously long time to figure this out, but I am intelligent, trust me.

BEN'S DAD is killed.

BEN AFFLECK (V.O.)

My father died, and I decided then, I would keep my promise to always help those whom others wouldn't help, so I became a crimefighting superhero.

AUDIENCE

Didn't you also promise your dad you'd never hit anything but books?

BEN AFFLECK

Uhhhhh.... Look, the boring flashback is over!

CUT TO:

INT. COURTROOM

BEN AFFLECK and USELESS PARTNER JON FAVREAU question a RAPIST.

BEN AFFLECK

Did you rape anyone recently?

RAPIST

Nope.

BEN AFFLECK uses his DEVIL SENSES to know he is lying.

BEN AFFLECK

You sure?

RAPIST

Yep.

BEN AFFLECK

Damn, foiled again! No further questions. You'll get yours, rapist scum.

The RAPIST goes free.

INT. SEEDY CLUB TYPE PLACE

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME shows up and sleepwalks through a fight scene with bad guys. We're repeatedly treated to the BLINDCAM shot, which is already overused. BEN chases the RAPIST into a train station, where he throws him onto the track.

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

See that light at the end of the tunnel? That's not heaven - it's the C-Train!

(pause)

Jesus fuck, I'm an Oscar-winning screenwriter and I just actually said that.

RAPIST

You know, maybe you wouldn't have to kill people at night if you were just a better lawyer. For example, if I'm lying on the witness stand, maybe you should try proving it instead of assuring me that I'll get what I deserve eventually.

(dies)

EXT. THE CITY

BEN AFFLECK meets JENNIFER GARNER, and proceeds to have a badly choreographed, horribly done fight scene with her, ripping off THE MATRIX.

JENNIFER GARNER

This is fucking stupid. I actually seem to have no qualms with fighting a blind man.

BEN AFFLECK

Well now that all of the good guys have been introduced, let's finally introduce the villains.

JENNIFER GARNER

But the movie's half over. Shouldn't there be more exposition or plot?

BEN AFFLECK

Trust me, you wouldn't want this slop running any longer than has to.

INT. BIG CORPORATE BUSINESS OFFICE THING

We slowly pan over MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

I'm totally evil!

(pause)

Actually, I haven't really done anything bad yet. But I'm definitely totally huge!

COLIN FARRELL enters.

COLIN FARRELL

Hey! I'm very good at targeting, in case the ridiculous thing on my head wasn't enough for you.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

Shouldn't the film's narrative have established our relationship before you were introduced?

COLIN FARRELL

Don't worry about it! Nobody will notice the lack of plot information, as I will distract them with my ridiculous acting, which will be oddly welcome given the wooden, bored performances of everyone else.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

Awesome. Kill Jennifer's dad. Then kill Jennifer. Then kill Ben Affleck. Then, if you have time, kill Jon Favreau.

EXT. ROOFTOP

BEN AFFLECK attempts to woo JENNIFER GARNER.

BEN AFFLECK

It's about to rain, I wanted to take you up to the roof of my freaky apartment.

JENNIFER GARNER

Because you wanted to use the sounds of the rain to actually "see" how super hot I am?

BEN AFFLECK

Huh? Oh, no, it's just time to rip off Spider-Man again.

(pause)

Oh wait, I hear someone in need, I must keep my promise to my father and help those who need help.

JENNIFER GARNER

I love you. Stay with me and we'll have sex.

BEN AFFLECK

On the other hand, sometimes the best way you can help people is by letting them help themselves. Let me show my scary water-tank bed.

They start to have sex. A few seconds later, BEN AFFLECK rolls his eyes back and sighs. JENNIFER GARNER shoots him an incredulous look.

BEN AFFLECK

Well, what do you fucking expect? My remaining four senses function with superhuman sharpness!

Suddenly, COLIN FARRELL shows up.

BEN AFFLECK

Good lord, the lead singer from Disturbed! Get the hell out of here, we have enough shitty buttrock on the soundtrack.

COLIN FARRELL

What? No, I'm an assassin! I posess the completely unexplained ability to hit anything from a great distance, miraculously without even looking. Michael Clarke Duncan hired me to kill you both.

JENNIFER GARNER

Don't worry, I'm no helpless female character, I know martial arts, watch me totally wail on these motionless, unarmed sandbags in a brief training sequence.

She trains and looks UTTERLY PREPOSTEROUS.

JENNIFER GARNER

There. Now I'm going to kill Colin Farrell, despite the fact that he clearly possesses all abilities I do as well as many more.

She is KILLED. Of course.

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

No! Everyone I have ever loved has been killed! Truly tortured is the life of a blind antihero! I must avenge her death by killing Colin Farrell and preventing him from being in so many god damned movies.

They FIGHT. COLIN throws things at BEN and he dodges them using another RIP-OFF FROM SPIDER-MAN.

COLIN FARRELL

I missed! I never miss!

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

Didn't you have to miss all the time while you were developing this ability?

They FIGHT more. COLIN discovers loud noises paralyze BEN, but he fails to use this to beat him and is subsequently KILLED. BEN AFFLECK advances to the final stage to face the BOSS.

INT. BIG CORPORATE BUSINESS OFFICE THING

BEN AFFLECK enters and meets MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN.

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

So what's your super power?

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

Well, I'm extremely fat, you see.

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

That's it?

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

Hey, at least I don't look like a giant used tampon.

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

Whatever. Now it's time to kick your ass, and I'm going to do it without my mask, just to rip off Spider-Man again.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

Someone should tell Director Mark Steven Johnson that time needs to pass before a rip-off becomes an homage.

They FIGHT and BEN WINS!

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

I'm not going to kill you, Michael Clarke Duncan. You see, despite the fact that my costume is that of a devil, I'm not the bad guy, and I won't kill someone when they are defenseless just for revenge.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

But, you killed Colin Farrell after punching holes through his hands to avenge the death of your girlfriend. Why won't you avenge the death of your father?

BEN AFFLECK IN STUPID COSTUME

Well, I can't kill you. I need to fight you again in the sequel.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

You think they're going to make a sequel to this piece of shit? If anything is going to kill the Comic Book Movie trend, it'll be this.

JENNIFER GARNER'S GHOST

No, it'll be Elektra.

END