FADE IN:

INT. TRAIN

JAKE GYLLENHAAL wakes up.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Whaa? The last thing I remember is taking heavy fire in Afghanistan. How'd I get here?

AUDIENCE

Well, our first guess would be that you got shot down, and now you're a brain in a vat being fed sensory data. But to be fair, most of us watch a LOT of sci-fi.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(panicking)

What crazy dreamworld is this? My reflection in the window doesn't match my face! I must escape this bizarre waking nightmare!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Excuse me, but I was wondering if you'd like to go get coffee.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Or, perhaps I will accept this strange new fate. At least give it a try. Y'know.

TRAIN

(exploding)

KABOOOOM!!!!

INT. BLACK HAWK COCKPIT

JAKE GYLLENHAAL wakes up.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Whaa? The last thing I remember is talking to Michelle Monaghan on a train. How'd I get here?

AUDIENCE

Well, our first guess would be that this is the default holding pattern for your disembodied brain. But, again, lots of sci-fi.

VERA FARMIGA

(on screen)

Hello, Jake, can you hear me?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Yes, Vera. Are you my love interest for this movie?

VERA FARMIGA

No, you're confused by the fact that I can pump 1,000 times more sexual energy through this tiny, beat-up monitor, without even trying, than Michelle Monaghan can give with all the coy smiles in the world. Despite this, I am in fact the buddy interest.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Okay, so what's going on?

VERA FARMIGA

You must stop the train from exploding. I can't tell you anything else, even the other information we already have that might help you succeed. Off you go!

INT. TRAIN

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Whaa? The last thing I remember is talking to Vera Farmiga over a monitor. How'd I get here?

AUDIENCE

Just fucking deal already.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(looking around)

Okay, fine. Hey, that's ubiquitous Canadian comic Russell Peters over there! I must be locked into the never-aired season finale of the short-lived, ill-fated Canadian TV show "Train 48"

(pause)

Dear God, did that ever suck.

(pause)

Still, if I can just flood the train with enough Canadian content, the government will sink heaps of money into it and the show won't be cancelled; hence, the train won't explode!

JAKE crams BRENT BUTT, RICK MERCER, MARGARET ATWOOD, ANNE MURRAY, DAVID SUZUKI, and the 1967 TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS onto the TRAIN, but it EXPLODES anyway.

INT. COCKPIT

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Dammit.

VERA FARMIGA

I realize now that you might benefit from a bit more information. Someone on board blew up that train, and we have stuck you in the memories of one of the victims to figure out who it was.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Huh? But if this person isn't the bomber or doesn't already know who it is, how can I possibly figure it out, just from their memories?

JEFFREY WRIGHT

(appearing behind Vera on monitor)

Hello, Jake. I'm going to say "Source Code" now to justify the title of the movie. And, er, quantum.

AUDIENCE

Ooh, the magical word that can justify even the craziest sci-fi premise!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

So what you're saying, Jeffrey, is that you've created an alternate quantum-pocket universe full of living, thinking people that I can learn new information from, then report back to you in this universe.

JEFFREY WRIGHT

No, I'm going to stick to the dead man's memories story, even though that version makes not even one-half a lick of sense, and your version does the best possible job of explaining everything.

AUDIENCE

So if Jake's right, this movie is pretty cool, and if Jeffrey's right, it's complete bullshit! What suspense!

VERA FARMIGA

Either way, Jake, we still need you to keep trying.

(slaps oversized red button)

Abracadabra!

INT. TRAIN

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

It kind of feels like "Groundhog Day" in here. Maybe if I master the piano and win an ice sculpting contest, that'll save everyone.

TRAIN

(exploding)

KABOOOOOM!!!!

INT. TRAIN

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hm, I've noticed that my Dad is voiced by Scott Bakula of "Quantum Leap" fame. Maybe the secret is to call Dean Stockwell and ask what Ziggy says.

TRAIN

(exploding)

KABOOOOOM!!!!

Over the next while, the TRAIN EXPLODES a WHOLE BUNCH MORE TIMES.

INT. TRAIN

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Wait a second! After countless false starts, I've finally deduced that maybe the bomber is someone who DIDN'T stay on the train to get blown up! And having wasted an entire earlier go-round on a red herring, the only other person left fitting that description... is YOU!

MAD BOMBER

Ah-ha, you found me out. This would be a more powerful moment if we'd had any previous interaction whatsoever.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Why'd you do it, Mad Bomber?

MAD BOMBER

Because "Train 48" sucked SO HARD that it drove me into a homicidal rage that fuels me even now, many years later!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Really?

MAD BOMBER

No, not really. It's actually the standard twisted-patriotism reason popularized in such films as "The Rock" and "Die Hard 2: Die Harder"

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Well, guess what! If today is 'Kick Your Ass Day', and tomorrow is 'Kick Your Ass Twice As Hard Day', then this just became THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, BITCH!

(kicks mad bomber's ass)

MAD BOMBER

ARRRGH!! Why'd you just kick my ass FOUR times as hard?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

It's an EXPONENTIAL SERIES, MOTHERFUCKER!! You're messing with HARD SCI-FI SHIT NOW!!

JAKE foils the MAD BOMBER'S PLANS!

INT. COCKPIT

JEFFREY WRIGHT

You did it, Jake! Source Code is a success! We can now prevent any act of terrorism, provided there is an earlier, less tragic act of terrorism committed by the same perpetrators, that claims the life of at least one thirtysomething white male (who by my own admission must vaguely resemble Jake Gyllenhaal) while leaving his brain intact! I'm calling the President!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Vera, while he's doing that, could you unplug me? I figured out, about a half-hour after the audience did, that I'm essentially a brain in a vat...

VERA FARMIGA

More like a strangely un-pale torso in a tube, really.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

...and although I could happily listen to your sultry tones all day, I'd rather go live in the quantum universe and date Michelle Monaghan while also proving my theory was correct.

VERA FARMIGA

Hmm... as a soldier I should deny this request in order to save untold lives in the future; but I'm also a woman, and so by Movie Law I am obligated to make the sappiest, most emotional decision available. Therefore, I will agree.

AUDIENCE

Oh boy! Now we get to find out if the movie makes some kind of sense, or is all a steaming pile of illogical horseshit!

VERA unplugs JAKE, and it turns out JAKE was right. The movie's ENTIRE PREMISE is saved!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Excellent! I get to live a new life with Michelle Monaghan, I rescued everyone on the train, and my theory is validated! Not so much Jeffrey WRIGHT, more like Jeffrey WRONG, huh? Hashtag-winning!

AUDIENCE

Er, you do realize this means you created and destroyed a couple dozen alternate-universe trains, full of living alternate-universe people, thus horrifically multiplying the body count, in order to save one set of people that didn't even exist before you created them?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

No, you see, it's okay because I got what I wanted.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Also the original guy, that I had a crush on, has had his consciousness cruelly wrenched out of him to make room for yours, so any relationship that you and I have will be based on a gruesome deceit.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Whatever, I'm going to stare at our reflection in this giant silver bean.

END