FADE IN:

INT. AIRPLANE

DEVON SAWA, CHAD DONELLA, ALI LARTER, KERR SMITH, AMANDA DETMER, SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT, and MISS KRISTEN CLOKE are in their seats waiting for fiery death.

KRISTEN CLOKE

Okay twenty-something year old high school students down to three years younger than me, behave yourselves now. I have to keep my husband happy so he'll continue to get me roles in everything he writes and produces.

ALI LARTER

Isn't this pleasant? Going on a class field trip to Paris? I hope we don't die or anything. Hey, check out these car crash pictures of Princess Diana, WHO DIED IN PARIS.

PILOT

Welcome to Polish Airlines Flight 666. The vessel of carnage will be exploding momentarily.

DEVON SAWA

Hey Chad, are you getting any weird vibes about the flight? They were playing plane crash victim John Denver music in the bathroom, the cabins are made out of tooth picks and bubble gum, and it looks like the in-flight movie is "Alive".

CHAD DONELLA

I don't know, but I wish the hooded figure behind me with the scythe would stop kicking my seat.

Suddenly, the whole plane EXPLODES just as DEVON wakes up in his seat in a cold sweat.

DEVON SAWA

Woah, I just dreamt about the most awesome plane crash scene ever. Let's get out of here, my psychic powers tell me the rest of the movie is not going to live up.

Suddenly KERR starts beating the SHIT out of DEVON for no reason. All of the characters with speaking lines get thrown off the plane. Then the plane EXPLODES for real.

EXT. MEMORIAL

Everyone is sad and miserable.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Hey Devon, since you're psychic and all, am I going to branch out into other roles or will I be typecast as Stifler for the rest of my life?

DEVON SAWA

Just be happy you'll have Stifler to fall back on. No one will see me again after I do that Eminem video.

KRISTEN and KERR approach.

KRISTEN CLOKE

Hey Devon, you saved our lives from dying on that plane so we'd just like to say fuck you.

KERR SMITH

Yeah, seriously, fuck you, dude. KERR SMASH!

Suddenly KERR starts beating the SHIT out of DEVON for no reason.

CHAD DONELLA

I think it's about time someone died so I'll go slip and hang myself, but not before the film has at least two scenes of me taking a shit.

He DOES and it DOES. DEVON and ALI break into a morgue. There they meet TONY TODD, who hangs around dead bodies POKING them with things, as TONY TODD probably does.

TONY TODD

The writers got lazy so I'm just here to conveniently explain the entire plot. Anyway, Death is after you.

(collects paycheck)

EXT. COFFEE SHOP

DEVON, ALI, KERR, SEANN, KRISTEN, and AMANDA stand around FIGHTING and BEATING the SHIT out of each other for no reason.

DEVON SAWA

The Magical Black Man Archetype said that Death is after us. I think we were meant to die on that plane and now Death is trying to kill us in unintentionally funny ways.

ALI LARTER

That's insane.

Suddenly AMANDA gets RUN OVER by a speeding bus.

DEVON SAWA

(to Ali)

HA, PWNED!

(to Kerr)

Sorry about your girlfriend. We barely even got to know her.

KERR SMITH

KERR SAD.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

You know, for a bus traveling at 140 miles per hour, it sure was sneaky. Who was driving that thing, Batman?

INT. KRISTEN CLOKE'S HOUSE

KRISTEN is drinking tea when a series of comical events happen leading to her computer EXPLODING in her face, a shard of glass going into her throat, getting CHASED by a trail of fire, getting BLOWN across the room by an EXPLODING stove, and getting STABBED by a FALLING knife.

KRISTEN CLOKE

WHY DOES DEATH HATE ME SO MUCH MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE?!

DEVON enters to save the day just as a chair FALLS OVER onto the knife embedded in Kristen, pushing it deeper and killing her. DEVON proceeds to wipe his fingerprints all over the knife, rub his shoeprints all over the floor, and play around in Kristen's blood.

DEVON SAWA

Shit, now people are going to think I did it, aren't they?

DEATH then BLOWS UP KRISTEN'S house and FRIES her corpse just to be even more of a dick.

INT. KERR SMITH'S CAR

KERR is driving around with DEVON, ALI, and SEANN.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

We all know I'm going to die, just tell me I get the ninja bus and not a 10 minute long torture scene like Kristen.

KERR SMITH

No one cares, Seann. And I'm next, aren't I, Sawa?

DEVON SAWA

Where did you get that id--

KERR SMITH

RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

KERR parks his car on some railroad tracks. DEVON, ALI, and SEANN get out.

DEVON SAWA

Dude, move your car!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Move your car, dude!

The CAR won't start. DEVON pulls KERR out just before an oncoming train HITS it. SEANN morphs into HUDSON from ALIENS.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Panicky speech about not dying, man! Panicky speech about not dying!

(dies)

ALI LARTER

That same exact thing happened to Amanda like three scenes ago. I guess if you're on Death's list, don't ever say anything that would be ironic if you were then crushed, impaled, diced, or decapitated, because THAT'S when Death will come crush, impale, dice, and decapitate your ass. You can probably cheat Death just by never talking again.

DEVON SAWA

(realizing something)

I can't believe it.

KERR SMITH

What, that this movie cost 25 million dollars and yet Seann's decapitated head looks like it was made out of papier mache?

DEVON SAWA

No, when I saved you it skipped you and went to Seann. So while the Death from Seventh Seal was a chess player, this one operates more on baseball logic.

ALI LARTER

And if we ignore the fact that Death will obviously start over and go back to Kerr again once it reaches the end of the list, it will almost seem like we've found a way to beat Death! So who's next after Seann?

DEVON SAWA

I am.

(pause)

Actually, it was Ali all along. What an unnecessary twist!

ALI is at the bat. DEATH at the mound. He PITCHES - it's a HIT. Lightning narrowly misses ALI. DEATH throws his baseball cap down in defeat.

EXT. CANADA RESTAURANT MADE TO LOOK LIKE FRANCE RESTAURANT

DEVON, ALI, and KERR sit around having drinks.

KERR SMITH

MUST KILL DEVON SAWA! J/K guys, me and Devon are BFF's now. I'm also no longer a psychotic asshole.

DEVON SAWA

Ah, I'm so glad this is all over. I shall now reference the fact that I was never skipped so that Death can spontaneously try to kill me.

DEVON almost gets RUN OVER by another bus. Then a giant neon sign SWINGS down and almost HITS DEVON just as KERR PUSHES him out of the way.

DEVON SAWA

Well that was over the top and ridiculous. Why was Death being all Dexter, making Chad's death look like suicide and Kristen's death look like murder, if it was just going to go Sodom and Gomorrah on our asses? And hey...

KERR SMITH

I just realized my annoying jock douchebag character is still alive. Why, that's defying cliche and breaking genre convention!

(jumps off a nearby cliff)

DEVON SAWA

...if everything is predetermined, how was I able to have the premonition in the first place? Why can't Death just give us strokes or something instead of tirelessly planning out these Rube Goldberg set-ups? And what's the backstory behind Tony Todd's completely pointless character?

ALI LARTER

I'm sure the following remakes labeled as sequels will explain these things, right Producer Craig Perry?

PRODUCER CRAIG PERRY

Who gives a shit? FANCY GORE EFFECTS!

(hits Devon in the face with a brick, collects paycheck)

END