FADE IN:

EXT. BLEAK LOOKING BACKYARD

JENNIFER LAWRENCE chops wood with her two precious siblings, ISAIAH STONE and ASHLEE THOMPSON, while they practice their spelling adorably.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hello, I'm Jennifer Lawrence. I'm 17, dirt poor, and I take care of my two young siblings. That's not depressing enough so let's make my mother catatonic as well.

(pause)

Also my dadday is a meth cooker.

(pause)

Also he's missing and probably dead.

(pause)

Also if I don't prove if he's dead I'll lose my house.

(pause)

Also my uncle is a twitchy eyed methhead that may or may not want to have sex with me. Okay Isaiah, spell "house".

ISAIAH STONE

H-O-U-S-E.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Good. Now spell "manipulative tripe".

JENNIFER'S next door neighbor skins a deer.

ISAIAH STONE

I wonder if she can share some of that there deer meat with us?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Never ask for things, Isaiah. Now excuse me while I go force that same person to take care of our horse and nag my friend for her husband's truck.

She DOES. When her friend's husband says no, JENNIFER basically calls her friend a PUSSY.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You used to be so feisty. Now when your husband don't want to loan his stuff, you actually respect that. What a cock whipped little bitch.

They exchange meaningful looks. JENNIFER then visits her uncle, JOHN HAWKES.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You know where my dadday is?

JOHN puts her in a CHOKEHOLD. Then let's go and gives her some money.

JOHN HAWKES

(snorting meth)

Come back again soon.

JENNIFER visits a full grown version of that SCARY FUCKING DWARF from the end of DON'T LOOK NOW--I mean DALE DICKEY.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You know where my dadday is?

DALE DICKEY

Bitch, keep asking questions and I'll kill you.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

This sure is electrifying cinema. Please tell me there are eight more scenes of me visiting random people, asking them things, and then being verbally and or physically attacked. The brisk pace is overwhelming me.

EXT. BLEAK LOOKING PORCH

JENNIFER'S FRIEND'S HUSBAND, yet another padding character not worthy enough of looking up the real actor's name on IMDb, practically KICKS JENNIFER'S door in and violently shoves her in his truck while threatening to kick her 12 year old brother's ASS.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Jesus. I get beaten and battered more than a girl in a French horror movie.

JENNIFER'S FRIEND'S HUSBAND

Actually I just wanted to politely ask you to stop investigating this, I'm worried you might get hurt. Now get the fuck out of my truck before I drop kick you.

They exchange MEANINGFUL LOOKS.

INT. BLEAK LOOKING DRUG LORD'S BARN, WITH A SIDE OF BLEAKNESS

JENNIFER visits the local DRUG LORD, RONNIE HALL.

RONNIE HALL

Your mother's ass is so gaping, I got my elbow down that bitch's shit. Haha. But seriously, kill yourself.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Where my dadday at?

RONNIE HALL

Oh, you dun goofed now! Unfortunately I can't hit you myself because that'd be wrong. Meth addicted she-bitches, ASSEMBLE!

A gang of meth addicted she-bitches appear and start BEATING the SHIT out of Jennifer. One of them SPLASHES hot coffee in her face and KNOCKS her tooth out with the cup.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I'm starting to feel like the delivery package at the beginning of Ace Ventura.

JENNIFER goes home to cough up blood when her NEIGHBOR comes in.

JENNIFER'S NEIGHBOR

I just heard what happened. Are you okay, child?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

For a town where they beat the shit out of you whenever you ask some questions, there sure is a lot of gossip. Where are your coffee cup wounds, huh?

They exchange MEANINGFUL LOOKS.

INT. BLEAK LOOKING HIGH SCHOOL MILITARY CONVENTION

JENNIFER approaches a military sign-up desk.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

How much money do I get for joining? You see that, audience? I'm as selfless as I am attractive, making me all the more sympathetic and you a bad person if you don't feel miserable by this point.

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE MILITARY RECRUITER

You don't want to do this, Jennifer. You're so young and innocent, I would never wish for you to be exposed to the horrors of war. Now step aside so I can recruit the dozen young and innocent people waiting in line behind you.

EXT. BLEAK LOOKING BACKYARD AGAIN

JENNIFER and her siblings sit around a picnic table. The sky rains the tear drops of orphaned children.

ASHLEE THOMPSON

Jennifer, we're hungry.

JENNIFER SMASHES a squirrel's head with a hammer.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Dinner's ready.

ISAIAH STONE

And this demonstrates how desperate we are for food that we're ready to slaughter wild animals, right?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Actually, I just wanted to take my anger out on something.

DIRECTOR DEBRA GRANIK appears and starts THROWING rocks at the audience.

DIRECTOR DEBRA GRANIK

You feel bad for her yet, you heartless bastards?! Huh?! Do you?!

INT. JOHN'S TRUCK, EXTRA BLEAK

JOHN drives around with JENNIFER. They stop somewhere, get out, and SIT. They then get back in the car and continue DRIVING. This has NO EFFECT on the plot WHATSOEVER.

JOHN HAWKES

What was the point of that? To pad out the runtime? We're already four hours into this shit!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hey, this is arthouse cinema right here. Sorry if there aren't enough boobs and car chases for you.

JOHN HAWKES

What this is is a compilation of scenes of your flawless, Mary Sue character being shat on. Essentially The Human Centipede for the Independent Spirit Awards. I can make a two hour long movie of you being raped by squid monsters and have the same effect.

Suddenly SHERIFF GARRET DILLAHUNT pulls them over. He approaches the truck and stops on JOHN'S side near the back, drawing his pistol. JOHN threatens SHERIFF GARRET with a RIFLE.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

I have a clear shot at the back of your head while you're sitting in a truck with a rifle too big to maneuver in such an inclosed space. Facing the other direction, no less. Clearly you have the upper hand.

(pause)

Wait, I'm NOT being sarcastic right now? I'm actually scared for my life?

JOHN and JENNIFER drive away victoriously while SHERIFF GARRET SHITS his pants. JENNIFER is diagnosed with AIDS, SYPHILIS, ALZHEIMER'S, CANCER, AUTISM, TYPE 2 DIABETES, and the BLACK PLAGUE. Not REALLY, but it wouldn't be surprising.

EXT. BLEAK LOOKING MIDDLE OF BLEAK LOOKING POND

JENNIFER and DALE sit in a canoe exchanging MEANINGFUL LOOKS. The faint sky resembles sad puppy dog faces.

DALE DICKEY

Okay, since every other character has treated you like shit only for them to randomly help you afterword, I'll tell you where yo dadday is.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Best news I've heard all day.

DALE DICKEY

He's rotting at the bottom of this pond being eaten by crabs.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Naturally.

DALE DICKEY

Anyhoo, I can't actually let you have the body because it can link to our secret hillbilly meth mafia thing. However, I can let you take one of his severed hands. Here, have a chainsaw.

DALE hands JENNIFER a FUCKING CHAINSAW.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I knew we were desperate to make this a downer film, but now the writer wants me to hack off a hand of my own father's corpse with a fucking chainsaw?

DALE DICKEY

You want to feed yo bastard children or not, child?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

They're actually my siblings, but the way this movie is going they might as well be my bastard children.

(starts hacking her father's flesh with a chainsaw, spraying herself with her father's blood, she cries out in pain and sorrow)

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

DALE DICKEY

Uh, that's his feet, not his hands. You might want to open your eyes while mutilating yo dadday.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Goddamnit.

She starts over, eventually slicing off a hand.

DALE DICKEY

Now that I think about it, one hand is kinda suspicious. They might think he just hacked off one to trick 'em. Better hack off both, no one can live without TWO hands.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

FUCKING CHRIST!

INT. BLEAK SHERIFF STATION, BLEAKITY BLEAK BLEAK

JENNIFER visits SHERIFF GARRET and hands him the bag of dismembered body parts.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

So I assume this is the part where you think I murdered my father with a chainsaw and I spend the rest of my life in prison being gangraped.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Actually, no. This is adequate proof that yo dadday is dead. You can keep your house, have a good one, and God bless us everyone.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Well, I may have lost a father, but at least I've gained an uncle.

JOHN HAWKES

Yeah, this ending is getting a little too happy. This is an Indie movie, your options are bittersweet or fucking miserable. Now excuse me while I take revenge on my brother's killer, implying that my character will later be killed because of it, leaving you alone once again.

They exchange MEANINGFUL LOOKS.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

It just feels like there's something missing. Something to complete the list of redneck stereotypes.

A banjo is played.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

There we go.

BLEAK LOOKING END

INT. LIMO

HOLLYWOOD

What a tragic film. It really showcases the horrors of poverty, drugs, and the plight young women can go through. We should nominate it to show how much we care.

(pause)

Hey bitch, get over here.

A HOOKER comes and BENDS over.

HOLLYWOOD

(snorts coke off her ass)

END