FADE IN:

EXT. TRANSYLAMEIA

DWIGHT FRYE is traveling to CASTLE LUGOSI via horse carriage but stops to get some PLOT EXPOSITION from the LOCAL YOKELS.

DWIGHT FRYE

I’m on my way to meet Count Bela Lugosi, who I've heard absolutely no suspicious mythical-creature related rumors about!

MUSTACHE MCMUSTACHEINGTON

Bela’s a vampire! You haven't heard that before? It's kind of the only thing Transylvania is known for.

DWIGHT FRYE

Well I guess that would explain why Bela explicitly told me not to bring along any bibles, stakes, silver or holy water. But a real life vampire? Pish posh!

MARIO MUSTACHEOIZ

I have it on very good authority Bela and his sexy vamp brides sleep in coffins and drink human blood! It was all over Reddit!

DWIGHT FRYE

Then why the hell are any of you people still living here?

SHAGGY O'MUSTACHEGUY

Apparently Transylvania's economy thrives on dead child corpses given that Bela's castle is literally six blocks away.

DWIGHT FRYE

By God man! Why haven’t you guys just burned his castle to the ground already?

INSANE OLD WOMAN

Then we wouldn't be able to collect all the Life Insurance money, silly! Besides we keep Bela away by erecting these huge crucifixes all over town! Here, take this tiny microscopic one! It will protect you!

DWIGHT FRYE

Great, but will it also stop people from constantly thinking of Dracula: Dead and Loving It while watching this film?

INSANE OLD WOMAN

Nope.

INT. CASTLE LUGOSI

Night falls and BELA LUGOSI rises from his coffin.

SLOWLY.

BELA LUGOSI

(stares)

1931 AUDIENCE

Ooooooh! Scary!

BELA picks DWIGHT up in a carriage.

SLOWLY.

BELA LUGOSI

(stares)

1931 AUDIENCE

Chilling!

On the way to the castle DWIGHT notices that BELA has turned into a BAT PROP.

BAT-LA LUGOSI

Revealing I’m a shape-shifting monster is somehow part of my master plan to get Dwight to take me to England? Yeah, okay, sure. Either that or we spent a shit ton of our budget on this bat effect and by God we are going to use it every fucking chance we get.

DWIGHT FRYE

Also I’m too daft to realize this confirms the townspeople’s wild claims and I should be stabbing you in the neck with my crucifix, but instead will continue to ride this carriage to my doom. Tum dee dum!

They arrive at a MATTE PAINTING of the castle where BELA makes his iconic introduction.

BELA LUGOSI

I am... Drokula. Err, I mean Dragula. I mean DracuSHITFUCK I CAN’T LOSE MY ACCENT!

DWIGHT FRYE

Oh don’t worry, your hilarious broken English will keep your version of Dracula alive in the hearts of millions for generations to come!

BELA LUGOSI

Please pardon the condition of my castle which looks somewhere between “Hulk ran through here” and “Miss Havisham wedding reception”. Follow me upstairs, but SLOWLY.

He DOES. SLOWLY.

A TORTOISE passes them on the way up. Then the U.S. CONGRESS gets a whole ton of shit done. Then George R.R. Martin actually gets something new published.

DWIGHT FRYE

Have we still not reached the top of the steps? Holy shitballs.

DWIGHT cuts his finger and he bleeds what is most likely CHOCOLATE SYRUP.

BELA LUGOSI

(stares)

BELA prepares to attack DWIGHT, but sees his CROSS and nearly jumps out of his PENGUIN SUIT.

DWIGHT FRYE

How am I so fucking oblivious to what’s going on? That mustache guy specifically told me you have a hard-on for human blood and you just shit your little pants at the sight of this cross.

BELA LUGOSI

I actually have mind control powers which I am not using so I’ve basically just been yanking your chain this entire time. Here, drink some of this drugged wine, which is drugged with drugs.

DWIGHT FRYE

But aren’t you going to have some?

BELA LUGOSI

I don’t drink... wine. Just blood. Dude YOU KNOW THIS! Have you already forgotten how I morphed into a comically fake bat 5 minutes ago?

DWIGHT FRYE

Sorry, but I’ve been distracted by that silly Olympic gold medal you wear around your neck.

(drinks wine)

(faints)

BELA’S VAMP BRIDES prepare to RAPE DWIGHT but BELA stops them, because if anyone’s going to pull a Cosby it’s HIM.

INT. SAILING SHIP

BELA’s coffin is being transported to ENGLAND.

DWIGHT FRYE

And now I’m Bela’s familiar and a crazed lunatic! Jesus my face has transformed into a Stretch Armstrong toy.

The schooner arrives at port with EVERYONE DEAD except for DWIGHT.

ENGLISH POLICE

It would appear Dwight went ape shit and killed all of these people! But putting him on trial for murder sounds like a lot of paperwork so let's throw him in an insane asylum Gotham City-style instead!

EXT. LONDON

BELA walks the streets in his MAGICIAN OUTFIT complete with TOP HAT where he will eventually pull a RABBIT out of.

BELA meets a kindly FLOWER GIRL.

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

Oi mista, wood’ya buy soma me flowas? Only ‘alf a shilling they is!

BELA LUGOSI

(stares)

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

Say, where’s ya fangs? Ain’t Dracula ‘sposed to ‘ave fangs?

BELA LUGOSI

Sorry, no fangs, just

(stares)

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

(is drinked)

BELA LUGOSI

It seems the rain in Spain stays mainly in the VEINS!

INT. THEATER

BELA LUGOSI

Okay, time for me to start restocking my bride quota with some fly-ass honeys. I’ll mind control an usher to help introduce me to some sexy ladies, instead of just mind controlling everyone all the time for some reason.

BELA meets HELEN CHANDLER, her boring fiancee DAVID MANNERS, and their friend FRANCES DADE.

BELA LUGOSI

I am Dracula, the new rich foreigner who just moved into the abbey next to you.

DAVID MANNERS

You mean right around the same time a lot of bizarre murders started happening?

BELA LUGOSI

Pure coincidence! Now allow me to demonstrate how much of a creepier I am by talking weird Romanian nonsense.

FRANCES DADE

Did you say RICH?! I find you strangely attractive!

HELEN CHANDLER

Bela’s old enough to be our father! Just looking at him makes my vagina feel like that abandoned Ferris wheel at Chernobyl.

FRANCES DADE

Maybe I just can’t resist a man who unintentionally dresses like a Vegas pimp.

(garnishes neck with seasoning)

BELA LUGOSI

(stares)

That night while FRANCES sleeps, a huge FAKE BAT kind of bobs up and down in her window for an unusually long time before turning into BELA.

BELA LUGOSI

Now I shall assault Frances by... casually sniffing her neck? Is that what I’m doing here?

FRANCES DADE

Well this is the 1930s after all and neck biting is synonymous with penetration, which is sex, which is bad.

BELA LUGOSI

Will Hays, you eternal cocksucker.

INT. BIZARRE OLD-TIMEY OPERATING ROOM WITH STADIUM SEATING

DR. EDWARD VAN SLOAN tries to save FRANCES but she DIES from blood loss.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Odd, there seems to be two puncture marks on her neck, as well as some Tabasco residue. We must be dealing with Nosferatu. Yes, that makes the most sense. Not a strange disease or insect bites or witches, but a mythical bloodsucking creature.

GUINNESS awards him for making THE BIGGEST LEAP IN MEDICAL HISTORY and all of his colleagues BELIEVE HIM. Meanwhile DWIGHT is busy eating SPIDERS in an insane asylum.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Now I’ll make an even bigger leap and analyze Dwight’s blood and connect him to my vampire theory using bull feces and magic.

VAN SLOAN talks to HELEN’s father HERBERT BUNSTON who manages the asylum about as well as The Wet Bandits managed Kevin McCallister.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

See Herb? Dwight’s a lunatic. Because vampires.

HERBERT BUNSTON

Seems legit. Maybe I should have Dwight put in a straight jacket?

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Of course not! Just let him wander around freely while still wearing the same dorky suspenders he’s had on since forever.

HERBERT BUNSTON

Then I'll give him an enema! Sorry I couldn't resist.

DWIGHT FRYE

(fucking nuts)

Argh! Face... Can’t... Stop... Stretching!!! Now Bela is talking to me through wolf howls!

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Say, that sounds like a real thing and not loony bin nonsense! Here, sniff this emergency wolfsbane I carry around for my erectile dysfunction! Sniff it! SNIFF IT!!!

HERBERT BUNSTON

I honestly can not tell which one of you ISN’T the crazy one right now.

DWIGHT is locked up in his cell and is visited by BELA.

BELA LUGOSI

(stares)

DWIGHT FRYE

Holy shit, I’m having ANOTHER one-way conversation with you? Instead of overdoing the telepathy why can’t we just have a normal goddamn conversation for once?

BELA LUGOSI

Because English is not my language first por favor.

INT. HELEN’S BEDROOM

As HELEN sleeps, BAT-BELA makes another appearance and single-handedly keeps the “RUBBER PROP ATTACHED TO VISIBLE STRING” industry alive.

BELA LUGOSI

(stares)

(...two holes into Helen’s neck!)

I also look like I have a serious fucking tooth ache. Or have Taco Bell shits. Possibly some combination of the two. That's not even a joke.

The next morning HELEN wears a suspicious scarf around her neck.

HELEN CHANDLER

Last night I felt drowsy and then dreamed a man came into my room and touched me.

DAVID MANNERS

Huxtable! That son of a bitch!

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Twas not Dr. Cliff, twas Bela! Helen, allow me to creepily grope you under the guise of examining you. Also ignore the bulge in my pants.

HELEN CHANDLER

Damn, I had no idea how rapey 1930s London was.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Look! Puncture marks on her neck! The camera won’t zoom in to show them so you’ll just have to take my word for it!

HELEN CHANDLER

Hey wait, Bela did the exact same thing to Frances and she died instantly.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

That’s because she was the equivalent of the sex crazed cheerleader so she had to die.

HELEN CHANDLER

Just because she showed romantic interest in Bela? That’s harsh.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

1930s London, remember? Virgin or slut were her only two choices.

BELA suddenly appears.

BELA LUGOSI

(indecipherable)

VAN SLOAN notices BELA casts no reflection in a MOST TINY MIRROR INDEED.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

By God! Even his clothes must be a vampire!

VAN SLOAN, DAVID and HERBERT stare back and forth between BELA and the mirror for WAY TOO FUCKING LONG.

BELA LUGOSI

(has back turned the whole time)

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Shit! Bela doesn’t know we’re onto him! Better shove that mirror right in his face to tip him off!

BELA LUGOSI

(breaks mirror)

(stares)

Great, so my options are: 1. Mind control everyone, 2. Kill everyone, 3. Run away.

OPTION 1 & 2 go out the window along with BELA. He escapes by transforming into a WOLF.

The CAMERA lingers on his dark evil fur and menacing red eyes and sharp jagged teeth and HA HA NO IT HAPPENS OFF SCREEN.

WOLF-LA LUGOSI

Argh! I must have used up all of my “turn into a bat and fly away” powers!

(pees on a fire hydrant)

DAVID MANNERS

Now let’s all gossip about Bela while Helen goes off to have a booty call with him.

HERBERT BUNSTON

Agreed.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

If only we could hit up one of Bela’s batshit crazy minions for help. Dwight, where are you?

DWIGHT FRYE

Over here chewing on this tasty scenery! Jesus, are you letting me just wander around your house unsupervised? I’m fully capable of stabbing you all in the throat if my master so commanded me to.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Speaking of Bela, what’s his plan?

DWIGHT FRYE

To turn Helen’s fine ass into one of his vampire brides-- err I mean WHO’S BELA I DON’T KNOW THAT NAME DERP DEE DERP

Meanwhile FRANCES rises from the dead and eats a bunch of kids. OFF SCREEN.

HELEN CHANDLER

Aaaaand Frances was killed off in a deleted scene because of the stupid goddamn fucking Hayes Code, so let’s all focus on me now.

Everyone DOES and BELA comes for her, but VAN SLOAN approaches.

BELA LUGOSI

So it seems you have discovered my true nature. Frankly I don’t see how, as I was doing such a great job of hiding it. I will give you a chance to leave instead of just murdering the shit out of you.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

And I will flat out tell you I plan to stake your heart when you go to rest in your coffin, so if it’s at your abbey you might want to move it someplace else.

BELA LUGOSI

Sorry but I couldn’t hear you over my loudly popped collar. MIND CONTROL TIME!

But VAN SLOAN resists it because he’s a JEDI or something.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Ha! Look at this tiny crucifix I have! FEAR IT!

BELA LUGOSI

Drat! A crucifix! If only I were a Hebrew vampire!

(flees!)

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Wow, that little crucifix worked? Why isn’t everyone carrying a bunch of these along with some slingshots?

Meanwhile DAVID is forced to listen to HELEN babble on like a 14 year old GOTH POSER when he is harassed by BAT-BELA because they simply REFUSE TO LET THAT SILLY BAT EFFECT DIE ALREADY.

DAVID MANNERS

Curse that undead prop! I will act pompous and stuffy at it!

HELEN CHANDLER

What exactly is it I see in you? Keanu doesn’t seem so bad by comparison. The thought of our engagement makes me want to bite your whiney face off!

But VAN SLOAN slaps her with his crucifix before she can. DAVID bitches him out for JUST SAVING HIS LIFE.

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Is it too late to let Helen chow down on your neck? You kind've had it coming.

BELA LUGOSI

Ha! I’ve kidnapped Helen and taken her back to my liar! Which is totally NOT right across the street!

DWIGHT FRYE

Van Sloan has suddenly been hit with the idiot stick and can’t figure that out so I’ll lead him right to you!

BELA LUGOSI

(stairs)

(...as in, he makes Dwight fall down them)

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

You’re cornered, Bela! Release Helen post haste or I shall vanquish you with my perpetually slouched posture!

BELA LUGOSI

How? You’re just an old fool. I’m a monster with super human strength who can turn into a wolf and a bat and all kinds of cool shit. What makes you think you stand even the slightest chance in hell of defeating

(goes to sleep)

EDWARD VAN SLOAN

Huh? Did I just get saved by Deus Ex Narcolepsy? Well in that case I know what Bela’s having for dinner!

It’s STAKES!

END