FADE IN:

EXT. FLASHBACK BATTLEFIELD - FIFTEENTH CENTURY

HUNDREDS OF INNOCENTS have been IMPALED ON STAKES.

ART PARKINSON (V.O.)

Before he became Dracula, my father Luke Evens turned entire villages into human shish kebabs to preserve the peace.

(beat)

You know, it hurts your "transforming into a monster" story if your protagonist has already tortured thousands of people to death. I'm just sayin'.

INT. CASTLE DRACULA

LUKE EVANS is holding an Easter banquet. His counselor WILLIAM HOUSTON makes a toast.

WILLIAM HOUSTON

To ten years of peace, prosperity, happiness, fluffy bunnies and frolicking through meadows! May nothing happen to change this!

TURKISH ENVOYS

(bursting in)

Ha! We've been waiting outside for hours for the most ironic time to arrive!

LUKE EVANS

How did you get in here? No seriously, I specifically mentioned that I doubled the castle's security force and have had men searching for the countryside Turkish intruders. How did I not hear about you until you reached my banquet hall?

TURKISH ENVOYS

Bah! We do not answer questions from someone who slaughtered an entire battalion of Turkish scouts!

LUKE EVANS

That wasn't me!

TURKISH ENVOYS

Huh, and I guess you'd expect us to believe it's some ancient force of evil that you've been keeping secret from your people. Anyway, our sultan Dominic Cooper has demanded 1000 boys in tribute, including your son! Pay up or we'll fuck your kingdom like we fucked your mother last night!

(makes obscene gesture)

(wipes nose on tapestries)

LUKE EVANS

You sure are acting as smug and antagonistic as possible for someone who thinks I just had hundreds of his fellow soldiers killed.

INT. ART PARKINSON'S BEDROOM

LUKE EVANS tucks his son RICKON STARK ART PARKINSON into bed.

ART PARKINSON

Gosh, it's so frightening being the son of a noble struggling to keep his head above water in a game of political maneuvering across a vaguely fantastical medieval landscape!

***INSERT "GAME OF THRONES" JOKE HERE***

ART PARKINSON

Dad, are you really going to give me to the Ottoman Empire?

LUKE EVANS

Don't worry child. I'd never let the Turks take my only son.

EXT. TRANSYLVANIAN COUNTRYSIDE

LUKE EVANS lets the TURKS take his only son.

LUKE EVANS

Here's my son. Do with him as you see fit.

SARAH GADON

Luke no! When you married me you promised you'd never give any of our children away!

TURKS ENVOY

I'm almost disappointed. I expected more resistance from you.

LUKE EVANS

WHAT? THAT IS IT SON! YOU CAN KIDNAP MY CHILD! YOU CAN DESTROY MY MARRIAGE! YOU CAN THREATEN MY KINGDOM! BUT YOU CAN NOT MILDLY INSULT ME!

LUKE kills the fuck out of the TURKISH ENVOYS and takes back his son.

WILLIAM HOUSTON

Impressive, but you do realize you've doomed us all.

LUKE EVANS

Don't worry! I'll visit that inhuman monster who lives on Broken Tooth Mountain and ask him for power!

WILLIAM HOUSTON

You mean that creature that attempted to murder you and ripped apart your soldiers?

LUKE EVANS

That's him! I'm sure visiting him alone won't have any bad consequences.

INT. BROKEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - CAVE

LUKE EVANS finds himself cornered by the centuries-old vampire...CHARLES DANCE!

CHARLES DANCE

I've been trapped in this miserable cave my entire vampire life, but I've somehow managed to build up an impressive collection of skeletons.

LUKE EVANS

Charles Dance! Give me the power to defend my kingdom! I learned about you a few days ago, but I'm pretty sure you can do that!

CHARLES DANCE

Yes. But first you must understand-

(clears throat)

Eternity is a game. Light and dark are merely players. You and your countrymen are merely pieces. The world is the board. God is the banker. Your son is the wheelbarrow, and your enemy Dominic Cooper is the sack of money. And sometimes, you can't pass Go without -

LUKE EVANS

Yes, yes just grant me unholy powers already.

CHARLES DANCE

Very well. You will become a mighty vampire for three days. But if you drink human blood in that time, you'll be a vampire forever. Also you'll destroy your son and kingdom, but since that never happens I'm not sure why I'm bringing it up.

LUKE drinks SOY SAUCE out of a skull and falls backwards into a MONTAGE.

EXT. TRANSYLVANIAN COUNTRYSIDE

LUKE wakes up in a RIVER.

LUKE EVANS

How did I get here? Either Charles was lying about not being able to leave the cave or becoming a vampire is like a drunken bender.

LUKE runs back to CASTLE DRACULA to find it's nearly been conquered by the TURKS!

LUKE EVANS

What the hell? How long was I gone? Did I leave my people right before an important battle?

WILLIAM HOUSTON

Thank God you're here! We're about to be slaughtered!

LUKE EVANS

Don't worry guys, I got this! I'm going to defeat this thousand-strong horde all by myself! Nobody try to help me or stop me even though it looks like I'm committing suicide.

(rushes towards the Turks)

TURKISH ARMY

Everyone stop attacking the castle and focus everything on that one guy! RRRRAAAARGGGGHHH!!!

LUKE EVANS

Aw yeah. The most powerful vampire alive versus one of the most feared army in the world. This is going to be awesome!

LUKE UNLEASHES "HELLSING ULTIMATE" LEVELS OF BLOOD AND GORE DOESN'T SPILL A DROP OF BLOOD! He SLICES! He DICES! He transforms into a SWARM OF BATS!

LUKE EVANS

I'm not sure what advantage turning into bats gives me here, but it looks so goddamn cool!

LUKE walks back to the castle after slaughtering every last TURK.

LUKE EVANS

Brothers I'm going have to ask you to do me a solid and not ask how I managed to kill over a thousand soldiers by myself.

WILLIAM HOUSTON

No worries! Your entire army was bending over to pick up a shiny penny every time you transformed into a swarm of bats.

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE TRANSYLVANIAN COUNTRYSIDE

LUKE EVANS is moving his men to a much safer MONASTERY, despite fending off half an army by himself in the previous scene. He grows uncomfortable watching his men eat.

LUKE EVANS

It's funny how I'm affected by bloodlust NOW and not when I was turning a thousand men into a pile of severed limbs.

(thinks)

What's the best thing to do now that I've got a ravenous thirst for human blood?

SARAH GADON

Hey sweetie. Want to go to bed with me?

LUKE EVANS

Intimate physical contact with my wife! That's a great idea.

LUKE nearly eats her, WHAT A SHOCK! The next morning...

SARAH GADON

All your scars are gone! And silver burns you! What's happening to you?

LUKE EVANS

I'm a vampire. Here, I'll prove it.

(slashes open tent)

AAARGH HALF OF MY BODY IS BURNING HOLY CHRIST DAMN YOU WICKED SUN!

SARAH GADON

Jesus! You could have convinced me with just the burning silver and disappearing scars. Or by only sticking a finger or two out into the sun.

INT. MONASTERY

MONK PAUL KAYE notices LUKE has been acting strangely.

PAUL KAYE

Aha! Luke has been carefully avoiding patches of sunlight, so he must be a vampire! I can't believe I was tipped off by this and not his impossible performance on the battlefield.

LUKE EVANS

Er, I just walked in front of an open doorway into the sunlight without any consequences whatsoever. Are you sure?

PAUL KAYE

Yes! Everyone knows vampires burn in the sun except for all the times they don't.

(pulls out sword)

Which will make this next part super ridiculous!

(slashes open fabric wall)

LUKE is exposed to sunlight BURNING HIM HORRIBLY. An ANGRY MOB forms on LUKE in 0.000003 seconds.

LUKE EVANS

ENOUGH! HOW DARE YOU ALL TURN AGAINST ME! I DID THIS FOR YOU!

SARAH GADON

Luke! This isn't like you! I mean, sure you impulsively slaughtered those Turkish envoys at the start of the film and there was that whole mass impalings thing. But screaming and yelling! That's totally uncharacteristic!

LUKE EVANS

You're right Sarah. It's not worth getting angry, especially not over something as small as murder attempts.

PAUL KAYE

You know, it just dawned on me that you're LESS of a blood-thirsty monster now that you've become a vampire.

ANGRY PEASANTRY

Eh we're bored. Let's never give Luke trouble for this again for the rest of the movie.

EXT. YET ANOTHER PART OF THE TRANSYLVANIAN COUNTRYSIDE

Evil SULTAN of the OTTOMAN EMPIRE DOMINIC COOPER listens to his COUNSELOR.

COUNSELOR

Sire, the men are getting frightened. They say Luke had become a...become a...monster!

DOMINIC COOPER

I see. There's only one way to calm them down. Put them all in blindfolds!

COUNSELOR

Yes, because if there's one thing I want when there's a creature from hell after me, it's not being able to see what I'm doing or what I'm aiming my weapons at.

DOMINIC COOPER

Good man. The audience will panic over Luke's chance of survival when they see we can march in a straight line with our eyes closed.

EXT. MONASTERY

DOMINIC'S EXTRA LARGE ARMY attacks the MONASTERY.

LUKE EVANS

Oh no! An army of mere mortals against a vampire demigod! Whatever am I going to do? The suspense is just killing me!

LUKE forms a GIANT HAND OF BATS and smashes them!

BATS

Yeah! You didn't know we were as hard as titanium did you? Otherwise most of us would be dead.

WILLIAM HOUSTON

My lord! This is all a trick! Dominic sent this massive force as a distraction while a small group of men kidnaps your son!

LUKE flies back just in time to see SARAH fall off a cliff!

LUKE EVANS

Don't worry Sarah, I'll save you!

(jumps off cliff)

I'm flying as fast I can! You're gonna make it!

(keeps falling)

Just a few more feet!

(keeps falling)

Fuck me, how tall is cliff?

SARAH GADON

(keeps falling)

It's the Movie Law of Gravity! We're accelerating at a rate of 9.8 metres per second per emotional beat!

LUKE EVANS

(keeps falling)

Explains when I kept accelerating until I was just a few feet away from you!

SARAH hits the ground hard.

SARAH GADON

(dying)

Luke... your three day powers are almost up...drink my blood so you can be a vampire forever and save our son.

LUKE EVANS

Er, the sun's already rising and I'm not burning up. I'm pretty sure the time limit's already over...

SARAH GADON

DAMN IT LUKE! EVERYONE KNOWS VAMPIRE WEAKNESSES ONLY APPLY WHEN ITS MOST DRAMATIC!

(coughs blood)

We still have time to save our Art.

LUKE EVANS

Charles Dance did say that drinking human blood would lead to me killing my son and everything I loved...ah, what the hell.

LUKE drinks SARAH dry and returns to the MONASTERY to find everyone dead or dying.

LUKE EVANS

Oh come on! What's the point of doing everything for your armed forces when they're just going to be slaughtered by a few infiltrators! Impregnable fortress my arse!

INT. BROKEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - CAVE

CHARLES DANCE finds himself able to leave the CAVE.

CHARLES DANCE

Hmm. Luke must succumbed to his thirst, hence freeing me from the curse of never leaving this place. My centuries-old torment has been lifted.

(looks bored)

EXT. TURKISH CAMP

DOMINIC gloats over ART PARKINSON in his tent.

DOMINIC COOPER

Bwa ha ha! My plan to have thousands of my soldiers slaughtered in order to kidnap a twelve-year-old boy is a success!

ART PARKINSON

That can't possibly be your entire motivation. Please tell me there was some strategic value to all this.

DOMINIC COOPER

If there was, don't you think I would have held on to that impregnable fortress after losing all those men to capture it? This was all so I could piss off the most unspeakably powerful vampire you could imagine.

(beat)

My God. What have I done?

LUKE EVANS appears on the horizon with his own personal THUNDERSTORM.

DOMINIC COOPER

He can control the weather too? This guy develops more new powers than Silver Age Superman!

LUKE EVANS

That's not all! I've also built my own vampire army out of dying Translyvanians! Nothing says "suspenseful fight scene" like preposterously one-sided odds!

LUKE'S ARMY tears apart TURKS while he confronts DOMINIC in his tent.

DOMINIC COOPER

Surprise! I've had two tonnes of silver coins spread across the floor!

ART PARKINSON

You've been carrying those all this time? Wow.

LUKE EVANS

No problem. I'll just walk around to the back of the tent and cut my way through. That way I won't have to walk over so many-

DOMINIC COOPER

Nuh uh! The script says you don't!

LUKE EVANS

Okay...Well, then I'll use my super strength to hurl my sword through your head from-

DOMINIC COOPER

Nope!

LUKE EVANS

I'll turn into a swarm of bats and fly over the-

DOMINIC COOPER

No.

LUKE EVANS

Er...by any chance do I use my new storm-controlling powers to zap your extremely conductive silver armor with lightning?

DOMINIC COOPER

What do you think?

LUKE EVANS

(sighing)

Fine. Stupidest possible route it is.

They FIGHT!

DOMINIC COOPER

Damn it! Just a little silver was enough to burn you at the start of the movie! Why isn't flinging

sackfuls of silver in your face working!?

LUKE EVANS

Haven't you learned anything from this movie? VAMPIRE WEAKNESSES ARE BULLSHIT!

(turns into bats)

(kills Dominic)

Really should have done that at the start of the fight.

LUKE takes ART outside to find themselves surrounded by his VAMPIRES.

LUKE EVANS

Wow. I never really how many half-dying people there were for me to transform. The Turks must suck at stabbing people to death.

VAMPIRE WILLIAM HOUSTON

Luke! We need to murder Art before he becomes an enemy to vampires! Single-handedly destroying an entire army has us terrified for our unlives!

OTHER VAMPIRE

You're not upset about this are you? We're kinda expecting you to lead us after we eat your son.

LUKE EVANS

Upset? I'm delighted! This could be the first real fight in the entire film!

PAUL KAYE appears and banishes the VAMPIRES with a crucifix!

LUKE EVANS

(bitterly)

Thanks Paul.

PAUL KAYE

Quick Luke! Give me your son and I'll take him to safety!

PAUL leaves with ART while LUKE parts the STORM-CLOUDS to bring back the SUN.

VAMPIRES

(burning to death)

AAARGH!!! IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME CONVENIENT TENT WE COULD DUCK INTO!

(dies)

LUKE EVANS

(burning to death)

Why didn't I do this the moment they inexplicably turned evil?

(dies)

ART PARKINSON (V.O.)

My father would later be revived, and then apparently went on to live a life of quiet obscurity, so great job spending ninety minutes NOT telling us the story of how Dracula became a famous villain, movie.

EXT. MODERN DAY

LUKE EVANS

Surprise! I'm still alive!

SARAH GADON

So am ! It's thanks to reincarnation or fate but we all really know it's because nothing on Earth will stop the obligatory romantic sub-plot.

CHARLES DANCE

I'm here too! Looks like our plan to establish a Marvel Cinematic Universe-style franchise is well on the way!

JOIN US in 2018, where DRACULA, WOLF MAN, the MUMMY, FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER, and the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON defend NEW YORK from an invasion of MAD SCIENTISTS led by CHARLES DANCE!

END