The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. RENEE ZELLWEGER'S APARTMENT
RENEE ZELLWEGER has an affair with DOMINIC WEST, who WRONGS her.
RENEE ZELLWEGER
All that I want in life
Is just to be a star
Perhaps I will get there
Riding in a cop car!
She shoots DOMINIC WEST. JOHN C. REILLY expresses muted sadness. RENEE goes to jail.
INT. JAIL
RENEE meets QUEEN LATIFAH, who begins the "pointless musical number" trend with a song about taking bribes. She also meets CATHERINE ZETA-JONES.
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
Well here I am again
My role another bitch
Don't think that's how I am
I swear, it's just my niche.
QUEEN LATIFAH
And now I'll call someone
Whose got no business here
With singing and dancing
I'm calling Richard Gere!
RICHARD GERE shows up and proceeds to make the AUDIENCE feel embarrassed on his behalf.
RICHARD GERE
Hey, take a second look,
You might not think it's me
But I will torture you
With my crappy singing!
I'm really hoping that
This helps my shit career
But I'm so stiff it seems
A gerbil's up my rear!
The AUDIENCE shifts uncomfortably, hoping the scene ends soon.
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
And now the time has come
We must advance the plot
At least as much of one
As this story has got
My conflict with Renee
Shouldn't take quite so long
But it's a good excuse
For yet another song!
One forgettable musical number follows another, all the while barely succeeding in making any point about our society's obsession with crime-based celebrities.
RENEE ZELLWEGER
I really learned to dance
For my role in this flick
But you can hardly tell -
Rob Marshall cuts so quick!
All that you get to see
Are half-a-second shots
In which we seem to dance
But mostly just look hot.
RENEE goes to court.
INT. COURTROOM
RICHARD GERE
To get you out of jail
We need to fool the crowd
And to accomplish this
We must be bright and loud
Give em a flashy show
Without a single lick
Of anything to say
Just like this goddamned flick!
RENEE ZELLWEGER
And once they are convinced
That there is substance here
Then I can really boost
My squinty-eyed career!
I'll have my own big show
And I will be a star
Everyone will forget
The "Chainsaw Massacre"
I will wear low-cut clothes
To show my flattened chest -
I'll be so very glad
I killed Dominic West!
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
It seems a little forced
To even have me here
But I'm a top-billed star
And so I must appear
There's some contrivance with
Some stupid diary
And now because of it
Zellweger will go free!
The JURY is RAZZLED in addition to DAZZLED and RENEE is found NOT GUILTY.
EXT. CHICAGO
RENEE and CATHERINE become stars in a mindless crowd pleaser about female murderers with unnecessary song-and dance routines that fail in both satirizing the subject matter and allowing audience members to care about the performers at all.
RENEE ZELLWEGER
The grand finale's here
And so we must enthral
But it will let you down
Cuz it's not grand at all.
AUDIENCE
Well that was pretty tame
But at least I can say
That I'm a cultured sort
That's seen things from broadway
I saw a musical
And I feel very good
It's not the same old crap
I see from Hollywood!
The AUDIENCE proceeds to ignore the fact that musicals are to the world of theatre exactly what mindless blockbusters are to the world of film.
END