FADE IN:

EXT. 505 YEARS FROM NOW IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY, DAY

ROB ZOMBIE VIN DIESEL is being chased across a frozen landscape by a spaceship full of MERCENARIES, led by NICK CHINLUND. Two EXPENDABLE MERCENARIES are strapped to the side of the ship with NET GUNS.

EXPENDABLE MERC 1

Why the hell are we precariously dangling OUTSIDE of the ship?

(killed)

EXPENDABLE MERC 2

Yeah, aren’t we making it easy for him to get to us?

(also killed)

VIN appears ON TOP of the ship and throws a SLIGHTLY LESS EXPENDABLE MERC out of the cabin. He confronts NICK.

VIN DIESEL

(menacingly)

You made three mistakes: First, you took the job. Second, your crew was too small. And third, you grew those ridiculous sideburns. Seriously, you look like the love child of Willem Dafoe and a rhesus monkey.

(shouts)

Who put the bounty on me?!

NICK CHINLUND

(pisses pants)

I don’t know! All I can tell you is that he had the velvety voice of a jazz DJ or a cartoon gargoyle.

VIN DIESEL

One more question: Dumbasswhogetsthrownoutofhisownshipsayswhat?

NICK CHINLUND

Wha-?

(thrown out of ship)

EXT. MUSLIM PLANET WHERE NOBODY SPEAKS ARABIC, DAY

KEITH DAVID walks through panicked streets and returns home.

VIN DIESEL

(shaving head with knife)

I told one man where I was going... A man whose life I saved on a dark planet five years ago... A man with a voice almost as deep and sultry as my own...

KEITH DAVID

(afraid)

You can stop pretending to shave now, Vin. I know it’s not your real hair; I’ve seen the breakdancing video...

VIN runs forward and puts his KNIFE to KEITH’S THROAT.

VIN DIESEL

I told you about that in confidence!

JUDI DENCH, THE LAST AIRBENDER magically appears. VIN switches the KNIFE to HER THROAT.

VIN DIESEL

What the fuck, there’s magic in this universe? There was no hint of that in the first one...

JUDI DENCH

We’ve abandoned all pretense of these movies happening in a possible future, so just get onboard with it already.

(becomes semi-visible)

We put a bounty on you because a bunch of religious nutjobs called Necromongers are going to invade this planet. They believe in some wacky, gothic version of heaven and plan to kill or convert everyone and take over the universe.

VIN DIESEL

Wait a minute... Is this movie some kind of Iraq War metaphor? Maybe the plot will be more nuanced than expected...

JUDI DENCH

Only you can defeat them because there’s a prophecy that says you’re the chosen one.

VIN DIESEL

False alarm. Let the clichés roll!

(clears throat)

I’m the designated bad ass antihero so I don’t give a shit about any of you. Smell ya later!

(leaves)

The NECROMONGERS invade and dominate the entire planet in one night. KEITH gets killed by a BUFF NECROSOLDIER.

EXT. MUSLIM PLANET, THE NEXT DAY

The NECROMONGER LEADER, COLM FEORE, addresses the SURVIVORS.

COLM FEORE

I have been to the Underverse and returned stronger, faster, and with the ability to telegraph exactly what I will do before I do it! This seems like it would be a huge disadvantage in a fight but, so far, so good! Now, kneel before my invincible army!

BALLSY SURVIVOR

(speaks out)

They’re not invincible; we killed a shitload of them! Maybe you should arm more of them with guns instead of weird scythe pick-axes...

COLM interrupts by pulling the BALLSY SURVIVOR’S SOUL out of his BODY. He CROAKS and the rest of the SURVIVORS KNEEL. VIN remains standing and POINTS at the BUFF NECROSOLDIER.

VIN DIESEL

Although I’m an expert stealth assassin and have no exit strategy, I’m gonna to kill this asshole in broad daylight in front of everyone!

He DOES THIS by FLIPPING over the BUFF NECROSOLDIER’S head, pulling a KNIFE out of his armor, and STABBING him in the STOMACH.

VIN DIESEL

And now to stroll away scot-free...

COLM FEORE

Stop! In our culture, you keep what you kill.

(hands VIN the knife)

Take him to the QUASI-DEADS! I want them to read his mind and tell me his future.

VIN DIESEL

Jesus, this movie introduces a new bat-shit crazy story element like every 30 seconds. Don’t even get me started on those fish bowl-headed gimps that you use like metal detectors...

The QUASI-DEADS reveal that VIN is the CHOSEN ONE and also an ALIEN or something called a FURYAN. Instead of SHOOTING HIM IMMEDIATELY, they let him ESCAPE. Shortly afterwards, VIN gets CAPTURED by NICK CHINLUND and a new group of EXPENDABLE MERCENARIES. He tricks them into taking him to a PRISON PLANET called CREMATORIA because that GIRL named JACK from the FIRST ONE is there and GOD DAMN this movie is DENSE AS FUCK.

INT. CREMATORIA SUPER-DUPER TRIPLE-MAX PRISON, NIGHT

The RUSSIAN PRISON GUARDS chain VIN up and lower him into a PIT while the MERCENARIES negotiate their reward. VIN busts out of his chains in a LUDICROUS display of ACROBATICS and ANTI-GRAVITY and IMMEDIATELY opens a can of WHOOP ASS on several prisoners.

VIN DIESEL

I knew that Aerial Silk class would come in handy!

(takes off goggles)

VIN uses his SHINY-EYED night vision to find JACK, AKA ALEXA DAVALOS, being ASSAULTED by some NON-RUSSIAN PRISON GUARDS.

VIN DIESEL

(sipping tea)

Step away from the girl or I’ll kill one of you with my tea cup.

The guards start laughing hysterically at the notion of-OH MY GOD, HE ACTUALLY DOES IT!!!

VIN DIESEL

(holds up a paper clip)

The rest of the guards SHIT THEMSELVES and RUN AWAY.

ALEXA DAVALOS

Are you fucking kidding me?! You were such a realistic badass in the first movie but now you’re a Looney Tune! What’s next, you’re gonna hand someone a hotdog with a lit stick of dynamite in the middle?

GUNSHOTS go off above their heads.

VIN DIESEL

There’s no time. The guards just killed all the mercs and are going to leave us here to die. We have to escape.

DEAD-MEAT PRISONER 1

But it’s almost sunrise and we’ll be burned alive if we go outside during the day!

DEAD-MEAT PRISONER 2

And we’re nearly 20 miles from the hangar that houses the only ship!

VIN DIESEL

We just need to stay ahead of the sunrise by running all night long over mountainous terrain while occasionally stopping to fight the prison guards along the way!

ALEXA DAVALOS

This plan sucks. There’s got to be a better-

EXT. CREMATORIA, JUST BEFORE SUNRISE

ALEXA DAVALOS

(running)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

VIN DIESEL

Keep going! The sun is right on our asses!

DEAD-MEAT PRISONER 1

It’s funny; the entire plot of the first movie revolved around traveling a similar distance but we knocked it out in under 10 minutes!

(killed by PRISON GUARDS)

DEAD-MEAT PRISONER 2

Yeah, but it’s pretty cool that darkness was the enemy last time and now we’re running from the light!

(bursts into flames)

VIN and ALEXA arrive at the hangar to find the PRISON GUARDS fighting against a group of NECROMONGERS, led by KARL URBAN.

VIN DIESEL

(to ALEXA)

Let’s play your favorite game.

ALEXA DAVALOS

“Who’s the most absurd and overpowered killer”? Sure!

(does double backflip while killing 10 people)

VIN DIESEL

(does quadruple backflip while killing 20 people)

This goes on for several minutes while they sing a duet of “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better.” KARL puts a stop to this by SHOOTING VIN IN THE CHEST.

KARL URBAN

(looks at gun in disbelief)

(shrugs)

KARL captures ALEXA and leaves VIN to DIE in the SUN.

INT. NECROMONGER SHIP

KARL reports VIN’S death to COLM and is rewarded with a PROMOTION. Afterwards, he speaks to his wife, THANDIE NEWTON, who SMELLS BEAUTIFUL.

THANDIE NEWTON

You should be in charge, Karl! Colm’s metal sideburns are no match for your fearsome Necromullet!

KARL URBAN

Silence, woman! We both know that I lack the charisma of a main villain! Do we really want another “Priest” on our hands?

A NECROSOLDIER enters the room and throws a dead FISH BOWL-HEADED GIMP on the ground.

NECROSOLDIER

Sir, we found this in the hall. According to its final memories, it was killed by some kind of shiny-eyed bald man...

(leaves)

THANDIE NEWTON

You didn’t make sure Vin was dead?!

KARL URBAN

No, l left him alone and didn’t actually witness him dying. I just assumed it all went to plan-what?

THANDIE NEWTON

Don’t you see, dear husband? You were born to be a bumbling, incompetent main villain that allows the protagonist to survive even the direst circumstances!

INT. NECROMONGER THRONE ROOM

COLM stands in the middle of the room, surrounded by NECROMONGERS.

COLM FEORE

Now that Vin is definitely dead, I can let my guard down...

VIN bursts into the room in NECROARMOR and attempts to attack COLM, but is DEFLECTED and thrown across the room instead.

ALEXA DAVALOS

(appears)

Stop, Vin. They converted me and now I’m gray and dead inside like the rest of them. It’s not so bad: An all-access pass to the Underverse, great health benefits...

COLM FEORE

(to VIN)

Sounds pretty great, right? Join us!

VIN DIESEL

She was all fierce and sweaty and barely clothed before and you think this is an improvement?!

(attacks)

COLM tells his men not to interfere and opens a can of NECROWHOOP-ASS on VIN. It’s the most ONE-SIDED FIGHT since EVERY OTHER FIGHT in this movie but VIN is actually LOSING, for once.

VIN DIESEL

(knocked on his ass)

COLM FEORE

(approaches)

And now to steal your soul-

ALEXA STABS COLM in the back with a SPEAR.

ALEXA DAVALOS

I wanted to stab him with a teacup or biscotti or something but this is the best I could find!

COLM BITCH SLAPS HER so hard that she FLIES across the room and is IMPALED on a spiky pillar.

ALEXA DAVALOS

Yet another potential love interest killed right at the...

(dies)

THANDIE NEWTON

(to KARL)

Now! He’s wounded!

KARL grabs a weird NECROWEAPON that looks like a WEATHERVANE and jumps into the circle.

COLM FEORE

(falls to the ground)

Help me, Karl! Why do we even bother wearing this shitty armor?!

KARL URBAN

You keep what you kill.

(raises weapon above COLM)

COLM uses his super-speed to shoot across the room, but VIN is waiting there for him.

COLM FEORE

Mother-

GHOSTLY COLM FEORE

-Fucker...

VIN SLAMS the knife into COLM’s HEAD, KILLING HIM.

VIN DIESEL

(breaks blade off in his skull)

(knees him in the face)

(teabags corpse)

VIN collapses into COLM’S throne and realizes that he is still SURROUNDED by HUNDREDS of NECROSOLDIERS.

KARL URBAN

(kneels)

All hail our new Necroleader!

The rest of the NECROMONGERS also KNEEL.

VIN DIESEL

This is RIDDICKULOUS...

END