INT. MIDDLE EARTH/NARNIA/WESTEROS/TAMRIEL/WHATEVER

Back in the days before SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, PRINCESS EMILY BLUNT is the sister of QUEEN CHARLIZE THERON.

EMILY BLUNT

Tra la la, what a beautiful and innocent generic medieval fantasy land this is! I’m so optimistic and free of cynicism, what with there being no clues in my immediate vicinity that there might be cruelty or barbarism in the world!

CHARLIZE THERON

(decapitates bunny rabbits)

EMILY BLUNT

Yessir, what a saccharine-sweet life I lead. Now to live happily forever with the man I love and our adorable baby girl. Glee!

CHARLIZE THERON

Dude, you really think a child is going to come out of this okay? This movie is based on a Grimm fairy tale AND a Hans Christian Anderson story.

EMILY BLUNT

AW SHIT I’M SITTING SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF KID-MURDER CENTRAL.

She rushes to the BABY’S ROOM where the BABY’S DAD is currently KILLING IT WITH FIRE. EMILY is so GRIEF-STRICKEN she spontaneously develops MAGIC POWERS and INSTA-KILLS THE GUY with ICE MAGIC.

EMILY BLUNT

Now I am instantly a heartless monster who hates everything. ESPECIALLY organic, well-paced character arcs. FUCK THOSE THINGS.

CHARLIZE THERON

Oh wow, a fairytale princess with ice powers, wherever did you come up with THAT idea.

EMILY BLUNT

Hey, Disney doesn’t own the Snow Queen!

CHARLIZE THERON

As was figured out by every company that’s spent the past few years churning out “generic ice princess” coloring books and giftwrapping paper and Halloween costumes and-

EMILY BLUNT

Look, just let it go, all right? Uh, I mean - shut up.

CHARLIZE THERON

Well anyway, instead of continuing to be queen of this fantasy kingdom, I’ll create a crappy army of glass soldiers, pretend to be their prisoner, then when I get “rescued” from them I’ll seduce that army’s king and murder him, all so I can go be queen of another, utterly indistinguishable fantasy kingdom. Ta ta!

(heads off to make terrible movie)

EXT. ICE KINGDOM, YEARS LATER

EMILY starts CONQUERING EVERY CITY EVERYWHERE, abducting all the KIDS and raising them as SOLDIERS. Two of them grow up to be her most prized warriors, CHRIS HEMSWORTH and JESSICA CHASTAIN.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Yes sir, with your athleticism and combat prowess, and my uncanny archery skills, we’ve got a real gender-swapped Black Widow and Hawkeye thing going on here!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Please don’t remind me of that other “Character Name: Something War” sequel that I wasn’t fucking invited to.

EMILY BLUNT

Go and conquer more lands for me, my huntsmen! That’s right Chris, you were never actually a professional hunter but in fact were enlisted in a military outfit known as “the huntsmen”, because we took a look at your backstory from the first movie and, hoo boy, that shit is BOOORING. Like, “whose drunken mistake was it to give this guy his own movie” boring. So we’ve retconned you into Conan the Barbarian in the vain hope of making you even a tiny bit interesting.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Very well my queen, we’ll go overthrow some more governments. I don’t suppose you want to come with us and just use your unstoppable ice goddess powers to make us instantly win with zero effort or risk?

EMILY BLUNT

Nah, you guys got this. I’ll just hang here and catch up on my brooding.

The HUNTSMEN go off, sack some kingdom offscreen, and come back with a fresh batch of KIDNAPPED KIDS.

EMILY BLUNT

Thanks guys! But Chris, seriously, you gotta start cleaning up after battle. How far did you just march with your hands still covered in blood?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

But this way I get to stare mournfully at the literal blood on my hands for two seconds, and thus give the only acknowledgment of the fact that the hero of this movie is a fucking Nazi stormtrooper.

EMILY BLUNT

Anyway, greetings, new slaves! I have freed you from a civilization which brainwashes you with bullshit notions about “true love”. And now you can help me take over all the other kingdoms, and we can free all the other children, and we’ll all live happily ever after in an enlightened fornication-free utopia!

(pause)

Well, for a couple of decades at least, until all humanity dies out because some bonehead went and outlawed procreation.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

No sex, you say? Fuck THAT law. Seriously, the opportunity to make out with a Hemsworth is the only reason a prestigious actress like me would agree to do this crappy movie in the first place.

(grabs Chris)

Come on lover boy, I wanna knock off the other half of my “Odin’s kids” checklist!

CHRIS and JESSICA go and SECRETLY PORK in a MEDIEVAL HOT TUB. Suddenly the movie’s SCREENWRITERS slap their foreheads.

SCREENWRITERS

Aw shit, here we are trying to tell the story of how Chris’s wife got murdered, and we went and had them raised in a society where marriage is punishable by death! That was dumb! How can we half-ass our way out of this one?

JESSICA puts her NECKLACE on CHRIS.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Now we are married. I’m not being cute or anything, this totally counts. In this world you can apparently marry someone in five seconds without an officiant or vows or witnesses or even consent.

SCREENWRITERS

I think we pulled that off!

But EMILY has MAGICALLY SPIED ON THEM using her MAGIC SPY!

EMILY BLUNT

BETRAYAL! I will now have your heads cut off! Or something much more pointlessly elaborate like, say, make you fight your way to each other through all the other huntsmen in order for me to make some incredibly vague point.

CHRIS and JESSICA successfully PUNCH THEIR WAY THROUGH the other HUNTSMEN, but before they can run into each others’ arms, EMILY magicks up a WALL OF ICE between them. Then CHRIS sees JESSICA get STABBED DEAD!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

NOOOO, JESSICA’S BEEN KILLED! By a random dude, NOT by Queen Charlize’s semi-incestuous brother Sam Spruell! So why the fuck does he confess to this murder years from now, and why do I believe him even though I personally witnessed what really happened? Or do we just give that little a shit about continuity?

EMILY BLUNT

Charlize and I have a brother???

CHRIS appears to be chased down and killed, but actually gets away, washed down the river like a piece of detritus, his wife dead, cast out from his home, with nothing to live for and

*INSERT SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN HERE*

EXT. HAPPY LITTLE COTTAGE

CHRIS is smiling, the birds are singing, and everything is wonderful!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Isn’t it such satisfying storytelling to cut immediately from a character’s low point to seven years later when he’s already resolved all his emotional baggage?

(laughs heartily, pets woodland creatures)

SAM CLAFLIN, who is a PERSON and not a RANDOM VOCAL TIC uttered by PROFESSOR FRINK, arrives on horseback.

SAM CLAFLIN

We need your help, Chris! Queen Dark-Haired Girl With Her Back to the Camera for Four Seconds - uh, I mean Queen KRISTEN STEWART - sent some soldiers to get rid of Charlize’s magic mirror, but the soldiers have disappeared! You need to go find the mirror!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

This sounds really dangerous and important! Any chance I could get an attachment of the queen’s finest men to assist me?

SAM CLAFLIN

Sure! If by “an attachment of the queen’s finest men” you mean “the most fat and useless of the seven dwarves and his even more useless brother”, and by “assist you” you mean “follow you around providing painfully unfunny comic relief”.

EXT. MEDIEVAL ROAD TRIP

CHRIS, with dwarves NICK FROST and ROB BRYDON tagging along, locates the MISSING SOLDIERS, who have all been BRUTALLY MURDERED.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh no, they’ve killed each other! Yes, goblin spears littering the scene, the mirror stolen, them killing each other is by far the most logical conclusion I could reach.

They head to a PUB to consider their next move. Suddenly they are attacked by a band of HUNTSMEN!

HUNTSMAN

Emily knows about your mission, Chris! She was spying on you with one of her magic ice owls, although why she sent it to scope out a random cabin in the woods when she didn’t even know you were still alive is a bit of a headscratcher. Anyhow, YOU DIE NOW!

But then a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE appears and fills the HUNTSMEN with ARROWS.

HUNTSMAN

Ack! I’m starting to figure out why we were named after a spider that’s big, hairy and intimidating, but also completely harmless and absurdly easy to kill.

The MYSTERIOUS STRANGER lowers her hood and it turns out to be a not-dead JESSICA!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

JESSICA?!? But... but I saw you die! You were fending off a horde of huntsmen with your amazing combat skills, then after Emily created that magical ice wall, through it I saw you suddenly stand stock still and get stabbed like a schmuck!

JESSICA CHASTAIN

That’s bullshit! I was watching YOU fend off a horde of huntsmen with your amazing combat skills, then after Emily created that magical ice wall, through it I saw YOU suddenly shit your pants and run away like a little coward baby!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

...Ohhh. We’re not that smart, are we?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Wait, so it was all an illusion? Then how the fuck could I not know this already? I mean come on, here’s what absolutely should have happened, like the same day:

INT. SCENE THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN BUT REALISTICALLY IT TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE DONE

JESSICA CHASTAIN

I can’t believe my husband just turned coward and ran off on me, the fucker!

HUNTSMAN

What the hell are you talking about? I was on his side of the ice wall and that just plain didn’t happen. We had to seize him and try to kill him.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

HUH?

HUNTSMAN

Come to think of it, how are you alive? We all saw you get stabbed to death.

(shrugs)

Guess it was some kind of magical illusion wall or something.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Oh that FUCKING BITCH.

EXT. THE ACTUAL MOVIE (UGH)

JESSICA CHASTAIN

See?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Well now that we know the truth, I guess we can just fall ecstatically back into each other’s arms!

JESSICA CHASTAIN

No, because I still don’t know if I can trust you, and am embittered and disillusioned about love, and basically we’re inserting an annoying rom-com “misunderstanding” subplot into this movie now.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Geez, fine. Let’s go find that stolen mirror.

They head into the WOODS and search for the GOBLIN LAIR.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

So this is the section of the movie where you and I bicker endlessly. To the utter bafflement of everyone watching, it turns out we actually have palpable screen chemistry.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Ah, so this must be the highlight of the movie then.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Eh. All it really does is make the audience wish they didn’t write us such shitty banter, or better yet that they’d cast us as a couple in literally any other movie.

(sighs)

Plus, for every bit of dialogue we have, there’s an “hilarious” bit with those fucking dwarves. Of which we just picked up TWO MORE.

SHERIDAN SMITH AND ALEXANDRA ROACH

Hiiiii!!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh God they’re undergoing a GEOMETRIC PROGRESSION. Let’s find this mirror fast, before they can multiply any further!

They come across a ROPE BRIDGE suspended over a perilous... SOMETHING.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

What, is this supposed to be threatening? A ten-foot-wide, six-foot-deep ravine full of steaming sludge? I don’t get it, is this the Bog of Eternal Stench or something?

Crossing the bridge into the goblin lair, they find the MIRROR, near a bunch of GOBLINS that have KILLED EACH OTHER.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Not again! But hey, at least with the goblins dead this has turned out to be a cakewalk-

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Look out! SPARE GOBLINS!

GOBLINS ATTACK! JESSICA and the DWARVES run back across the BRIDGE, but CHRIS CUTS THE BRIDGE DOWN before he can FOLLOW THEM.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Phew, that stops the goblins from following the others! Even if it traps me here as well. Because that sludge creek is suuuch a convincing obstacle and all.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Oh no, Chris is getting mobbed by goblins! But the goblins have tar for blood, so if I just shoot them with a flaming arrow they’ll all explode into a giant ball of blue flame! While Chris is right in the middle of them! THIS WILL HELP HIM SO MUCH!!

She EXPLODES THE GOBLINS, but then CHRIS is FINE because he just, you know, jumped across that pathetic trickle of slime with no problem.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Ha! Take THAT, you evil goblins!

(pause)

Goblins who found us invading their home.

(pause)

Stealing the mirror they only took off dead guys in the first place.

(pause)

Also we were surrounded by the corpses of their friends.

(pause)

Man, between this and our Nazi stormtrooper days, we’re really not the most heroic of heroes, huh.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Especially considering I’ve been betraying you this whole time.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Yeah, when you throw that in - bwuh?!

EMILY and her ARMY shows up!

EMILY BLUNT

That’s right, Chris, I sent Jessica to manipulate you into finding the mirror for me! Knowing that after talking to you for five minutes she’d find out how I screwed the two of you over, and then my best warrior would presumably turn against me forever. Jessica, kill Chris!

JESSICA fires an ARROW into CHRIS’S CHEST and he DROPS TO THE GROUND!

EMILY BLUNT

Great shot! I’m particularly impressed with how you were able to make the arrow only stick in his chest by like half an inch, when at that range it clearly should have been buried up to its fletching. Nothing suspicious about that!

EMILY and JESSICA and the ARMY take the MIRROR and LEAVE. After they go, CHRIS sits up alive and well!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

She shot me in my marriage necklace! Or at least it lodged there somehow, even though the arrow struck me several inches lower than that. She must still love me after all! I better go and sneak into Emily’s castle and assume I can somehow defeat a superpowerful witch and her entire army all by myself.

NICK FROST

Well you also have us dwarves!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

HAHAHAHAHAHA come on, I’m trying to be serious.

INT. THRONE ROOM

EMILY instals the MAGIC MIRROR and tries to summon the VEGAS GHOST from the FIRST MOVIE. But instead who should emerge from the mirror than CHARLIZE THERON!

CHARLIZE THERON

That’s right, when I dissolved into black goop I didn’t really die, I just merged with my mirror somehow! I knew keeping my death scene needlessly confusing would pay off!

(shoos Emily off throne)

Anyway, budge up, this is my kingdom now and I’m gonna make your army go kill Kristen Stewart for me.

EMILY BLUNT

Erm, why are we playing it like you’re the dominant one here? I’ve cut a violent swath across the country, toppling every kingdom that lays in my path. You, on the other hand, took over a single kingdom by hypnotizing a dude with your magic vagina, then got killed by a pasty teenager. I’m more impressive than you on every conceivable level.

CHARLIZE THERON

You’re forgetting about my OVERACTING SKILLSBBLARRGL RAAAHHHH! In other news, I was the one who controlled your lover into murdering your kid.

EMILY BLUNT

WHAT?! Oh it is ON, bitch. What best way to defeat you?

(ponders)

I suppose since we’ve just established that your being fused with the mirror forces you to answer my magic mirror questions, I could just say “mirror mirror on the wall, recite for me the integers all”, and you’d have to just stand there endlessly counting for as long as it took Chris to casually wander up and chop your head off...

CHARLIZE THERON

OR, we could fight to see who has the best particle effects!

EMILY BLUNT

BRING IT!!

CHARLIZE attacks EMILY with her BLACK GOOP CGI! EMILY attacks CHARLIZE with her WHITE FRACTAL CGI! It’s all very PRETTY as well as IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL who is WINNING! Finally CHARLIZE stabs EMILY with a BLACK TENDRIL, but then EMILY FREEZES THE MIRROR and CHRIS SMASHES IT, causing CHARLIZE to turn into a GOLD STATUE and DISINTEGRATE!

EMILY BLUNT

Oh wonderful, another psychedelic, incomprehensible death. So presumably she’ll turn out to not really be dead AGAIN. The way Jessica turned out not to be dead. And Chris turned out not to be dead. Everybody, look carefully: THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE.

(actually dies and stays dead)

GOLDEN CROW THAT IS CHARLIZE THERON’S GHOST OR SOMETHING

Bwa ha ha, that’s right, there’s nothing you can do to stop me from returning time and time again! NOTHING!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh yeah? We’ll see about that.

He goes back and thoroughly removes every bit of WIT, CHARM, INTELLIGENCE and FUN from the ENTIRE MOVIE, turning it into a LIFELESS LUMP of CONGEALED FAIRYTAIL CLICHES which NOBODY WOULD EVER WANT TO SEE.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Ha! Try returning for more sequels after this thing tanks so hard it never HAS any more sequels!

GHOST CROW

NOOO MY ONE WEAKNESS

(evaporates)

END.