"Harley, can you please stop picking 'Cats' for theatre night? We didn't like 'Cats' last time, we didn't like 'Cats' this time. I don't get why you.... oh FFS."

BIRDS OF PREY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. GOTHAM CITY, R-RATED ANTIHERO BOROUGH

Having broken up with the JOKER, MARGOT ROBBIE, who just broke up with the JOKER, goes to EWAN MCGREGOR'S NIGHTCLUB to try and get over her breakup with the JOKER.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I'm ever so broken up about this breakup!

(breaks random asshole's legs)

Not about that one though!

(breaks fourth wall)

Or that!

But no matter how much PARTYING and VOMITING and RANDOM CRIME she does, people REFUSE to believe that MARGOT has broken up with the JOKER, even though she has, in fact, broken up with the JOKER.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Ooh I know, I'll blow up the chemical plant that symbolizes our love!

(does so)

Yay! Finally, I've severed all ties with the Joker! Except for my makeup, wardrobe, general M.O., criminal insanity, and this shot of me walking away from sequential explosions that kind of evokes Heath Ledger. Look, Rome wasn't burned in a day.

INT. RANDOM FACTORY WAREHOUSEY THING

Meanwhile, EWAN MCGREGOR is torturing and killing people who are tied upside-down, because he's also a CRIME BOSS!

EWAN MCGREGOR

(grins widely)

Mwah ha ha! Henchman Chris Messina, remove the face of that character we haven't met! Meanwhile I shall retire to my fancy car, driven by a major character we haven't met. Oh shit I just realized, we're gonna do the excessive flashback thing, aren't we.

CHRIS MESSINA

OH YOU KNOW IT BOSS! But hey, if we scramble the shit out of the first act, maybe people won't notice when we sort of leap over the second act and land directly at the final showdown.

EWAN MCGREGOR

But we did the excessive flashback thing in Suicide Squad! Ugh, FINE, whatever.

(grins widely)

INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT WHERE TONIGHT'S SPECIAL IS A HEAPING PLATE OF MOBELLINI ALLDEADO

Detective ROSIE PEREZ is detecting at the CRIME SCENE while MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD re-enacts the crime in FLASHBACK SUPERPOSITION MODE.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

(in flashback)

Let this be a warning, villains! Soon others shall taste the vengeance of... HUNTRESS! Yes, evildoers will tremble at the mere MENTION... of the Huntress.

ROSIE PEREZ

This purple-fletched crossbow bolt is definitely making a statement. Do we have a name? Something written down in plain view, or a recorded message, anything like that?

COP

Nope. So we've decided to refer to the killer as the "Purple People Perforator". It'll be in all the headlines tomorrow.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Well fuck.

INT. DINER - THE NEXT MORNING? A FLASHBACK MORNING? WELL, MORNING ANYWAY

MARGOT goes to a BODEGA and orders her favourite BREAKFAST SANDWICH.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Ooo I love this sandwich! It has egg and cheese and bacon and it is the most secure emotional attachment in my entire life. We've all been there, right?

(takes food)

Now to enjoy this satisfying meal while strolling through a city packed with my sworn enemies, who were only holding back because of their fear of Joker. There might be a flaw in this plan, but you'd have to be a trained psychologist or something to spot it, so...

MARGOT proceeds to PARADE OUTSIDE in broad daylight looking like HARLEY QUINN, and is immediately spotted by TRAFFIC CAMERAS, NEWS VANS, RANDOM SELFIES, TEN THOUSAND HOMICIDAL ASSHOLES and also ROSIE PEREZ!

ROSIE PEREZ

Freeze! You're under arrest for horrible crimes that we won't mention in this movie, since you're the anti-hero now!

MARGOT ROBBIE

But.. but I was so incognito! HOW?!?

MARGOT uses a zany pratfall stunt to throw ROSIE in a pile of garbage, and set in motion some wacky events that get the HOMICIDAL ASSHOLES killed, kookily!

MARGOT ROBBIE

That was close!

(surrounded by new goons)

Shit. Only one way out of THIS jam--

GOONS

What, skipping ahead and filling in the details once we know you're safe anyway?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Bingo!

(winks to camera)

INT. POLICE STATION

ROSIE returns smelling of garbage and must therefore change into a HILARIOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE T-SHIRT since nobody in Gotham has ever been arrested wearing a NORMAL SHIRT. She reports to her AWFUL CORRUPT HORRIBLE NO-GOOD CAPTAIN, STEVEN WILLIAMS.

ROSIE PEREZ

Ewan McGregor is up to something! He's got a shipment coming in, that essential staple of all crime boss plans. You gotta believe me!

STEVEN WILLIAMS

Sorry Rosie, all you've got is intelligence direct from inside Ewan's criminal operation, and you want me to devote MULTIPLE squad cars to such a bullshit lead? You know we require a sworn statement of intent provided by the perps in triplicate before we can do anything.

Also ASSISTANT D.A. ALI WONG is there and is ROSIE'S ex, a fact we ZOOM RIGHT THE FUCK PAST IN EASILY EDITED-OUT VOICEOVER, hope you didn't blink and miss it.

MARGOT ROBBIE

(barging in)

HELLO YES IT IS I, HARLEY! Now for another fun action scene except nobody knows what my goals are, or how I escaped my last cliffhanger, but who needs context when you've got mayhem and slo-mo, right?

MARGOT shoots the COPS with BEANBAGS and GLITTER BOMBS and other NON-LETHAL ANTI-HERO THINGS.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Almost out of ammo! Luckily I packed... FLASH-BACK GRENADES, AW YYEAAAHHH

INT. EWAN MCGREGOR'S NIGHTCLUB - FLASHBACK

EWAN MCGREGOR vamps it up at his CLUB while talking to fellow crime boss FRANCOIS CHAU.

EWAN MCGREGOR

(grins widely)

Y'see, what makes me different from other genre crime bosses, is that I want to be... an EVEN BIGGER crime boss. And I have control of a secret, highly sought-after item, with a trail of bodies behind it, that will let me grow my power. I hear you have experience with that kind of thing.

FRANCOIS CHAU

Ewan I'd love to help, but between running the DHARMA Initiative in the 1970s and the Protogen company three hundred years from now, I'm completely swamped.

EWAN MCGREGOR

God dammit if you won't take this seriously then FLASH FORWARD TO TAKING YOUR FACE OFF, THEN FLASH BACK HERE!

FRANCOIS CHAU

Shit, that was ME hanging upside-down in that other scene?

(loses face)

During this exchange, JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL is on stage singing, and finishes up with cracking a WINE GLASS because she's determined never to use her powers.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Jurnee! Margot broke the legs of my old driver, so you're my new driver. I would ask Chris Messina but he's already on full-time "Heavily Insinuate We're a Couple But Be Extra Careful to Never Make It Explicit" duty.

JURNEE goes outside to the CAR and comes across FLASHBACK MARGOT, who is SUPER DRUNK and about to be RAPED AND MURDERED, gotta maintain that 'R' RATING after all.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Time to take out these goons like only Black Canary can!!

(defeats goons with punches, kicks)

MARGOT ROBBIE

Aw thanks! Did you know I broke up with Joker?

(vomits)

INT. RUN DOWN APARTMENT BUILDING

JURNEE returns home to find ROSIE PEREZ at her door.

ROSIE PEREZ

Hi, I brought you this hilariously empty coffee cup.

(waves it around)

Ewan's old driver was my informant. Therefore, since you're the new driver you are also my new informant, that is how informing works.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

I'd never help you. My Mom was the OG Black Canary and you cops let her die in the street which, damn, way to offhandedly dispose of a classic Justice League character.

ROSIE PEREZ

To be fair, we all assumed she'd just be resurrected in Legends of Tomorrow. They're up to, what, eight Canaries?

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Well fuck you, I'm not gonna snitch OR help you in any way OR use my powers, so there, and that's THAT.

(rips up movie poster)

MARGOT ROBBIE (V/O)

Hey audience! Shit I haven't been in the movie for like MINUTES! Let's fix that with... SOME MORE FLASHBACKS!

INT. FANCY MANSION FLASHBACK

Inside the FANCY MANSION is a FANCY CRIME FAMILY.

MARGOT ROBBIE (V/O)

Our MacGuffin for this movie is a diamond with secret account numbers, financial info, etc., laser-etched in miniature on it. Basically this crime family wanted to hide information worth billions, so they put it somewhere nice and inconspicuous like a fucking diamond. Pro tip guys, next time maybe hide your top-secret info inside something people WOULDN'T want to steal anyway? Shit, write it in Sharpie on an old Rob Liefield comic, you'd be better off.

Another CRIME FAMILY guns down the first CRIME FAMILY. But one member of the BEING-GUNNED-DOWN FAMILY survives, a younger version of MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD!

YOUNG WINSTEAD

Luckily my Mom shoved this crappy beat-up toy car in my hand before she died, so thanks? Anyhoo I hid under the bodies and was taken by a remorseful hitman to Sicily, where I spent many years training in hand-to-hand combat, crossbow skills, and preserving my American accent.

EXT. GOTHAM IN SLIGHTLY LESS FLASHBACK BUT WE'RE STILL NOT CAUGHT UP

Elsewhere in Gotham we meet ELLA JAY BASCO in the role of CASSANDRA CAIN, better known to comic fans as BATGIRL BLACK BAT ORPHAN a twelve-year-old pickpocket. As she merrily makes her way down the street picking pockets, CHRIS MESSINA and JURNEE leave EWAN'S BUILDING.

CHRIS MESSINA

Sure is nice that we have this valuable diamond full of even more valuable info.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

You guys gotten around to making a backup copy of that super valuable info?

CHRIS MESSINA

Eh, what's the rush? Lum tee tum. What a nice day. Ah, what fair beam lights upon HEY WHAT THE FUCK I GOT PICKPOCKETED THE DIAMOND'S GONE FUCKITY SHIT

JURNEE spots ELLA running off, but the COPS grab her first!

ELLA JAY BASCO

Can't let the cops take this sweet diamond!

(swallows it)

Aw hell, there's gonna be tons of poop jokes later, aren't there.

INT. EWAN'S BUILDING

Remember back when MARGOT got surrounded by goons? Welp, they take her to face EWAN!

EWAN MCGREGOR

(grins widely)

You're fucked now Margot Robbie, or should I say, Hedylamarrgot Robbierobertson! For you see, I'm not JUST an evil crime boss, I'm also the supervillain known as... BLACK MASK!!

(pause)

Because I have a black mask.

(pause)

Anyway without the Joker to protect you, there's NOTHING to stand in the way of my vengeance! Isn't that right, my Very Intimate To Some Unspecified Degree Friend?

CHRIS MESSINA

It sure is! Oh I lost that diamond by the way. Ella Jay Basco stole it and got arrested.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Wait wait!! Let me go and I'll help, I'm the ONLY one who can get your diamond back.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Okay first thing, Diamondback is a Marvel character. Second thing, we know who has the diamond and where she is. Third thing, this is Gotham, we probably own half those cops.

MARGOT ROBBIE

C'mon, cut a deal with me and we can do a Moulin Rouge shoutout!

EWAN MCGREGOR

(grins widely)

Okay I can't resist THAT. Deal!

MARGOT and EWAN do a quick DANCE NUMBER and MARGOT dashes off to get ELLA.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Oh also, Chris, put out a $500,000 bounty on Ella and send it to every mercenary in Gotham.

CHRIS MESSINA

How very John Wick of you. We really DIDN'T need Margot's help, did we?

EWAN MCGREGOR

Nope! But hey, she's just my arch-nemesis so y'know.

(sings "Roxanne")

INT. SO YES, FINALLY, WE ARE CAUGHT UP TO THE POLICE STATION FIGHT

MARGOT, having finished beating up COPS, must now beat up VIOLENT PRISONERS while also the SPRINKLERS are going off!

CUE: SLAPPIN' POP SONG

MARGOT ROBBIE

(pummels the fuck out of prisoners)

ELLA JAY BASCO

This is super fun, but where did you get these elite-level ninja assassin skills? Was that from jumping into the chemical vat?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Who knows? Maybe I absorbed them from Robin when I helped brutally murder him in this continuity.

ELLA JAY BASCO

Sorry, you did what now?

MARGOT ROBBIE

NEVER MIND ZANY HEROINE TEAM-UP ESCAPE TIME! WHEEEEEE

MARGOT grabs ELLA and takes her back to her APARTMENT.

INT. MARGOT'S APARTMENT

Back at MARGOT'S, we find her pet HYENA and STUFFED BEAVER, and the girls have CEREAL and talk WELL THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT, COPS AT THE DOOR! ALSO EXPLOSION MAN OUTSIDE WHO EXPLODES AND THE HYENA IS DEAD MAYBE AND THE COPS JUST FUCKING VANISHED BUT FUCK IT TIME TO GOOO

MARGOT ROBBIE

My landlord sold me out! I can't trust anyone... so I must trade Ella for my safety, a deal that requires trusting every criminal in town. Sorry Ella.

ELLA JAY BASCO

It's okay, I know you'll eventually think that one through.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Hmm, now where should I tell Ewan to meet me? It's gotta be meaningful.

(thinks)

A medical building, symbolizing an attempt to reclaim my identity from before Joker scrambled my head? The roller derby, representing my quest to build a new, independent self? What location would best reflect my growth as HAHAHA KIDDING LET'S GO TO AN AMUSEMENT PARK FUNHOUSE

MARGOT phones EWAN and arranges the exchange. However JURNEE tips off ROSIE, and MARY ELIZABETH is apparently following EWAN and CHRIS everywhere rather than fulfill her stated objective of MURDERING them, so the big team-up is almost here! And if you're wondering whether BATMAN might show up, well, when he heard that BLACK MASK and HARLEY QUINN were trying to murder each other, he immediately rushed to the BAT-DEN and poured himself a big ol' BAT-WHISKEY and sat back and wished them the best of luck.

INT. ABANDONED AMUSEMENT PARK FUNHOUSE WHERE BATMAN AND JOKER USED TO FIGHT BEFORE THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WENT ALL DOWNHILL

MARGOT duct-tapes ELLA to a TOILET and feeds her things to make her SHIT, ZANILY!

ROSIE PEREZ

Freeze! I've got you this time-

(thrown out second-storey window by Margot!)

MARGOT ROBBIE

Fuck, did I just, like, kill her?? That's gonna put a damper on the team-up.

(shot with tranquilizer by Jurnee!)

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

It's okay Ella, I'm here to rescue--I mean, re-kidnap you! Har har, I'm so evil.

(held at gunpoint by Chris!)

CHRIS MESSINA

Nice try, but I saw your text to Rosie. So unless you have some super-power that might save you, it's time to end your life... by shooting you with this gun... that I'm pointing at you... right...

(shot by Mary Elizabeth!)

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

At last my vengeance is complete. Chris was the last of those who shot my family. Laters!

(turns to leave)

MARGOT ROBBIE

(recovering)

But maybe you'd like... more vengeance?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Yeah okay.

ROSIE PEREZ

(casually stepping back in through second-storey window)

Freeze! You've all got a lot to... Answer for. Heh heh.

(pause)

Because in the comics I'm also the Question? Sometimes? Sheesh, sorry for bringing up my superhero credentials in this superhero movie.

Everyone ARGUES for a bit until they notice that EWAN MCGREGOR AND HIS VAST GOON ARMY have pulled up outside.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Look, I'm wearing my black mask and everything!

MARGOT ROBBIE

Well this is gonna be tough, girls. But I chose this remote location because there's a secret cache of weapons!

(throws open empty cupboard)

Shit. Maybe I should have chosen a less remote cache of weapons.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

That's okay, we found some new clothes, roller skates, a mallet, and a baseball bat, so we're MORE than ready for that fully equipped thug army.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

(barges in with goons)

(stops)

HUNTRESS!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

(smiles)

...Finally.

DJIMON and the GOONS ATTACK!! Our heroes go down a SLIDE into the FUNHOUSE PROPER, and the BIG BIG FIGHT commences!

CUE: ASS KICKIN' POP SONG

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Don't be scared Ella. You can hold on to the same tiny piece of crap toy car that I did when my whole family died around me!

ELLA JAY BASCO

Yeah I feel real fucking safe now. Thanks.

MARGOT and JURNEE and ROSIE and MARY ELIZABETH open a GIANT CAN OF WHUP-ASS on the parade of LIGHTLY ARMED GOONS that swarm the funhouse! After some suitably MADCAP ACTION, the gang regroups.

ROSIE PEREZ

Ah, we've defeated all the goons inside the building, none of whom were Ewan. So I guess it's all over, and we can stroll out bantering and laughing, savouring our victory as OW FUCK I JUST GOT SHOT BY EWAN, BUT HOWWWW

MARGOT ROBBIE

Phew, lucky that Ewan aimed for Rosie's armour-clad belly and not Mary Elizabeth's utterly exposed one!

There is CHAOS during which EWAN grabs ELLA and begins driving off! The others are PINNED DOWN!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Shit, tons more goons with heavy automatic weapons! Good thing they didn't bring any of those inside, THAT would have sucked. Looks like we're dead meat though.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

(sighs)

Right, guess it's finally time for Black Canary to actually use her signature power and then pass out from the effort, bringing us to a grand total of one proper use of one superpower in this entire superhero adventure.

ROSIE PEREZ

Yeah well, we're also in a movie called Birds of Prey where exactly one of us is named after a bird.

JURNEE'S SONIC SCREAM wastes all the NON-EWAN BAD GUYS, plus propels MARGOT on her ROLLER-SKATES to chase EWAN!

EXT. STREETS OF GOTHAM

MARGOT uses her ROLLER-SKATING POWER to defeat EWAN'S PAIR OF FULL-FLEDGED AUTOMOBILES!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

And I also helped by deliberately crashing my motorcycle into the pavement!

EWAN takes ELLA over to the FOUNDERS' PIER LOCATION which is full of MIST and FOG and SMOKE and GLOOM and other SHOWDOWN-OBSCURING ELEMENTS.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I'm gonna get you Ewan! I've finally realized that I can murder people all on my own, thus completing my arc!

(shoots shadowy blob)

EWAN MCGREGOR

(grins widely)

Har, that was a statue. Now you are truly doomed, for there is no way you can defeat me, a regular human with the power of crime bossing. Or did I also get elite martial arts skills by virtue of being a lead character?

ELLA JAY BASCO

Who cares? I've used my pickpocket skill to remove the lack of a grenade in your pocket!

EWAN MCGREGOR

(thinks)

But that means-

(explodes!)

The BIRDS WIN! To celebrate they all go to a DINER and wait for ELLA to SHIT.

EXT. GOTHAM CITY - THE NEXT DAY

MARGOT ROBBIE

So it all worked out okay. Mary Elizabeth used the diamond info to be super rich, and finally form the Birds of Prey officially, just in time for the movie to end.

(grins)

Meanwhile me and Ella took off and pawned the diamond for more money! Hope nobody uses the info that's still on that diamond to fuck over Mary Elizabeth. So whaddya want to do first Ella?

ELLA JAY BASCO

Could I finally become Batgirl maybe? Birds of Prey usually has Batgirl.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Breakfast sandwiches it is!

CREDITS

MARGOT ROBBIE (V/O)

Oh right... I guess we have to do a post-credits thing, but audio only, sorry. Anyhoo, did you know that Batman FFF....ilmed scenes in Toronto for Suicide Squad? It's true!

END

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