FADE IN:

INT. THE 7.5TH FLOOR OF A BUILDING

JOHN CUSACK hunches over on the half-floor, which is very FUNNY and will be driven into the GROUND.

JOHN finds a portal into the mind of JOHN MALKOVICH.

DIRECTOR SPIKE JONZE

Look, this film is bizarre. It is, therefore, good!

JOHN CUSACK

Wow, this creates so many questions about the essense of self.

(pause)

Audience, please take notice of all of these thought-provoking questions raised by the film.

AUDIENCE

This film must be brilliant. I mean, to just consider the notion that a human could enter the mind of another hu--

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE'S PROVOKED THOUGHTS are interrupted by something EXTRAORDINARILY BIZARRE.

INT. OFFICE

JOHN CUSACK

I am in love with you, Catherine Keener.

CATHERINE KEENER

Perhaps that is because I'm the only person in this film that bathes.

JOHN CUSACK

I say it's more because I am unsatisfied by my ugly dog of a wife.

CATHERINE KEENER

Who's your wife?

JOHN CUSACK

Cameron Diaz. Damn dirty bitch.

The AUDIENCE'S COLLECTIVE HEADS explode.

CATHERINE and JOHN charge money to be MALKOVICH, while MALKOVICH gains points with CRITICS for making fun of himself.

JOHN MALKOVICH

I am balding and rather odd-looking. There is also something horribly goofy about my eyes.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Look, I can make fun of myself too! Why does everyone hate me?

More people enter the mind of MALKOVICH, including MALKOVICH himself.

DAVID LYNCH

Whoa.

CRITICS

Wow! This is bizarre and original! I love this film!

AUDIENCE BRAIN FRAGMENTS

Wait, what the hell caused this portal? And why does it dump you along the New Jersey turnpike? And how did the old man get that book? And--

More BIZARRE things happen, shutting up the audience. BIZARRE things coninue to happen until the most bizarre of all things occurs: A SCENE WHICH ACTUALLY FEATURES DAYLIGHT AND CONTAINS CHARACTERS THAT APPEAR TO HAVE CLEANED THEMSELVES.

LITTLE GIRL

I love you mom and other mom who is actually my dad or at least John Malkovich is my dad but he was inhabited by you mom and by the way somewhere in the back of my mind is Cusack again, and he is also in love with one of you, mom but not the way I love you. Can I go swimming in a very inside-the-womb-like scene to ensure that the audience finds this film to have depth?

The AUDIENCE MEMBERS gather up their exploded heads and leave, refusing to think about the film to avoid a headache.

END