FADE IN:

EXT. BALE MANOR, GOTHAM CITY

YOUNG CHRISTIAN BALE and YOUNG KATIE HOLMES play hide-and-go-seek. YOUNG CHRISTIAN BALE falls into an open well and is attacked by BATS.

YOUNG CHRISTIAN BALE

Good things these weren't spiders or I would've had to call myself Spider-Man, can you think of anything more ridiculous?

YOUNG CHRISTIAN BALE and HIS PARENTS attend the OPERA, but leave early because YOUNG CHRISTIAN BALE is scared. They are MUGGED by RICHARD BRAKE.

RICHARD BRAKE

Fuck you, I liked Jack McCoy better as Assistant D.A.!

(shoots both parents)

CHRISTIAN BALE'S DAD

Christian... don't... blame... yourself.

YOUNG CHRISTIAN BALE

(blames himself)

EXT. COURTHOUSE - YEARS LATER

KATIE HOLMES

Hey Christian, your parents' killer is being released right now as a reward for testifying against Tom Wilkinson, but judging by your emo haircut you won't have the balls to do anything about it.

CHRISTIAN BALE brings a GUN to (maybe) (probably not) KILL RICHARD BRAKE, but a WOMAN beats him to it.

CHRISTIAN BALE

(shows gun to Katie Holmes)

Katie, I spent 2 seconds in the last few months thinking about killing Richard Brake, and the other 2,457,987,023 seconds thinking about having sex with you. I'm so ashamed.

KATIE HOLMES

(slaps Christian Bale)

How dare you! I will only forgive you if you slide across a wood floor in your tighty-whiteys lip-syncing to Bob Seger.

CHRISTIAN BALE

No fucking way.

KATIE HOLMES

Then go to hell!

CHRISTIAN BALE

FINE! At least I wasn't stupid enough to choose Pacey over Dawson! I'm outta here!

CHRISTIAN BALE disappears for 7 YEARS to SOMEWHERE to do SOMETHING. Mostly he just SLICKS BACK HIS HAIR and roughly DOUBLES IN SIZE. Also, he meets LIAM NEESON.

LIAM NEESON

You have much potential, Young Jedi. I will take you under my wing and teach you how to be a vigilante warrior.

There is an OBLIGATORY TRAINING MONTAGE.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Hey, whoever would've thought it would be possible to make a commercially and critically successful Batman origin story with a Welsh guy as Batman?

LIAM NEESON

The world's a crazy place, in a few years I will be one of the most bankable action stars in the business despite being 60 years old. Here, smell this flower.

CHRISTIAN BALE

It smells like foreshadowing!

INT. LEAGUE OF SHADOWS ZUMBA CLASS

CHRISTIAN BALE is introduced to KEN WATANABE.

KEN WATANABE

You have proven yourself a worthy warrior, Christian. You can join our team of vigilantes and help us destroy corrupt cities. We're starting with Gotham City, surprise!

CHRISTIAN BALE

I can't destroy Gotham City, it's my home! Also, it will make me the star of the film with the largest opening weekend gross ever!

KEN WATANABE

Not for long, you ever hear about Harry Potter?

CHRISTIAN BALE

NOO! Only I can be THE CHOSEN ONE!!

(sets building on fire)

KEN WATANABE

I can't die in this level, I'll be stuck in limbo foreverrrrrrrrrrr

(dies)

LIAM NEESON

I can't die either, I have to do a voiceover for Fallout 3!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Fine.

(saves Liam Neeson)

LIAM NEESON

Also, I'm going to remake "The A-Team."

CHRISTIAN BALE

Dammit!

INT. BALE MANOR

CHRISTIAN returns to BALE MANOR and talks to his BUTLER, MICHAEL CAINE as well as his OTHER GUY, MORGAN FREEMAN.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I want to save Gotham City from itself so instead of run for office or use my millions of dollars to clean it up, I'm thinking about running around town in a batsuit.

MICHAEL CAINE

Definitely the best idea. Let's build a cave beneath the mansion too, we'll call it the Batcave.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Genius! Now I just need some tools and a car.

MORGAN FREEMAN

I can help you there. Give me a few weeks and –

CHRISTIAN BALE

RIGHT NOW, RED!

CHRISTIAN goes to the POLICE STATION and meets GARY OLDMAN.

AUDIENCE

Ooh, it's Gary Oldman, he's definitely the bad guy! Movie solved!

GARY OLDMAN

Not so fast people! My mustache disagrees with you.

CHRISTIAN BALE

(in Batman voice)

I need a good cop to help me clean up Gotham City. You in?

GARY OLDMAN

Depends, do you promise to keep this version of your Batman voice and never change it to something completely indecipherable?

CHRISTIAN BALE

I promise no such thing.

GARY OLDMAN

Whatever, sure, let's do this! Get me Tom Wilkinson.

EXT. SHIPPING YARD

CHRISTIAN BALE wounds and/or captures all of TOM WILKINSON'S thugs in a PRETTY SWEET sequence. Unfortunately, it ENDS in the scene from the trailer we all watched 50 TIMES.

RANDOM THUG

WHERE ARE YOUUUU??!?!?!??!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Here. Boo!

BALE captures the THUG with his cape while hanging upside down.

GARY OLDMAN

That was pretty cool, but only the first 14 times. Then it got old. And I really needed Tom Wilkinson himself.

CHRISTIAN BALE

He's right here! See, I tied him to a huge floodlight to project the first Bat Signal into the sky!

GARY OLDMAN

A kid making hand shadows on his wall could've done better than that, but okay.

CHRISTIAN heads to the POLICE STATION and sees KATIE HOLMES for the first time in years.

KATIE HOLMES

Hmm, you got all muscle-y in 7 years, perhaps I am attracted to you after all.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Sorry Katie, I can't have sex with you right now, Cillian Murphy is turning all of my captured thugs insane for some reason.

KATIE HOLMES

It sure would be a shame if he did the same to me, then I'd have to act insane and that would be quite a stretch of my abilities.

(gets turned insane)

CILLIAN MURPHY

Mwa ha ha ha! I'm forcing Katie Holmes to try and act! I will pay for this by only getting 8 seconds of screen time in "The Dark Knight."

KATIE HOLMES

It's okay, I'll avoid having to act outside my range by reacting to the insane-o-gas by just passing out quietly. Zzzz.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I haven't even gotten to second base with her yet, I must save her! The easiest way would be to walk out the back door of this place and drive leisurely through the streets without attracting attention.

BALE blasts through town attracting a lot of ATTENTION.

MICHAEL CAINE

Man, I thought I'd be pissed that you were driving something called the Tumbler rather than the Batmobile, but that was fucking awesome!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Wait, I've smelled this flower before! I think I know how Cillian Murphy is turning everyone insane. It would probably only take a few minutes for me to remember that Liam Neeson used the same shit on me awhile back, but I can't take the time to do that. Let's throw me a birthday party!

INT. BALE MANOR

MICHAEL CAINE

I hired a clown juggler, look!

LIAM NEESON

Surprise, I'm alive and also evil!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Wait, Oskar Schindler is the bad guy?! What the fuck?!

LIAM NEESON

Hey you know what? You actually are on Schindler's List --

CHRISTIAN BALE

Thank God, I'm saved!

LIAM NEESON

-- OF ASSES TO KICK!

LIAM kicks CHRISTIAN'S ASS and sets BALE MANOR on FIRE.

LIAM NEESON

Payback's a bitch, Christian! You burned down my house and left me for dead and now I'm going to do the same to you! Forget the fact that you saved me from sliding off a cliff! Also, as I speak my team is releasing the neurotoxin from the flower into Gotham's water supply and will be vaporizing that water supply by driving a train carrying a microwave-transmitter –

MICHAEL CAINE

God, this plot is unnecessarily fucking complicated!

LIAM NEESON

Actually, it's simply just a Nolanized version of "bad guy unleashes evil death gas on the city, mwa ha ha ha."

MICHAEL CAINE

...and that makes it even more stupid.

INT. SUBWAY CAR

LIAM starts his plan to destroy GOTHAM and BALE tries to stop him.

LIAM NEESON

You're too late Christian, in seconds we will vaporize the water supply, turn this entire city insane and watch it destroy itself!

CHRISTIAN BALE

You do know that our bodies are more or less just pure water, right, which means that realistically we should all be vaporized too?

LIAM NEESON

"Realistically?" Do you hear yourself right now?

GARY OLDMAN

How have both of you been nominated for Oscars and I never have? DIE!

(blows out train rails)

LIAM NEESON

I regret NOTHINGGGGGGGGG!!!

(train crashes)

Maybe "Clash of the Titans."

("dies")

EXT. WHATEVER IS LEFT OF BALE MANOR

MICHAEL CAINE

Thanks for saving Gotham City, Christian, from... whatever it is that Liam Neeson and Cillian Murphy wanted to do. Something with water vapor?

CHRISTIAN BALE

No problem, Michael. My only regret is that I never got to bone Katie Holmes.

KATIE HOLMES

Hey.

CHRISTIAN BALE

YEAA BOII!!

KATIE HOLMES

Nope. You turn me on, but Batman turns me off. I will leave you with this chaste kiss and a promise to be with you if you ever give Batman up. Oh, unless Aaron Eckhart is in the next movie, then it's over for good.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Sure honey, you're in for a real treat when the sequel's casting call shows up.

EXT. ROOF OF POLICE STATION

GARY OLDMAN

I made you a Bat Signal not made out of fat mobsters, you like?

CHRISTIAN BALE

I do! Can you believe that this movie is going to be as successful as it is?

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

I knew it would be! And because of my bet with Warner Brothers now they have to give me 150 million to make a sequel starring the guy from "10 Things I Hate About You!"

GARY OLDMAN

Ha ha, very –-

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

Then, if that one succeeds, they've agreed to give me 250 million dollars to make ANOTHER sequel starring the OTHER guy from "10 Things I Hate About You!"

CHRISTIAN BALE

How the hell is the director of "Insomnia" going to pull this shit off?!

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

Dude, all I have to do is make this one better than "Batman and Robin."

He DOES.

END