FADE IN:

EXT. EASTERN EUROPE

Under COVER OF DARKNESS, an elite TEAM OF AMERICAN MILITARYMEN infiltrates a WELL-GUARDED MANSION without DETECTION. The team CAPTURES one of the WORLD'S MOST WANTED TERRORISTS under the DIRECTION of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Well this movie is already completely and totally unrealistic. Turn this shit off!

CUT TO:

INT. MOSCOW BALLROOM, THREE WEEKS LATER

PRESIDENT HARRISON FORD gives a ROUSING ANTI-TERRORIST SPEECH to a room full of AMERICAN AND RUSSIAN POLITICANS while eating a DOUBLE BACON CHEESEBURGER and DRINKING A MOUNTAIN DEW.

HARRISON FORD

And that, my friends, is proof that America will never negotiate with terrorists! Unless of course a few of them were to take my family and my staff hostage, but what are the odds that would happen LITERALLY 10 minutes after I give this speech?

CUT TO:

EXT. MOSCOW AIRPORT

GARY OLDMAN

We would like to board Air Force One to film a piece for the Russian news. Here's my I.D. Please take no notice whatsoever that our cameras double as rifle scopes.

RANDOM SECURITY GUY

(scanning I.D.)

Hmm...I see you are listed as "Gary Oldman," aliases "Lee Harvey Oswald," "Dracula" and "Drexl Spivey." I'm sure that should mean something to me and fill me with doubt as to whether to let you on the plane.

(pause)

Here are your tickets, enjoy the flight.

INT. AIR FORCE ONE

HARRISON FORD

Ok, this is a 1990s Harrison Ford action movie. I'm sure I must have a daughter whose only purpose will be to have the terrorists threaten her life to force my hand later -

LIESEL MATTHEWS

Hi Dad!

HARRISON FORD

I can imagine my wife will require me to save her multiple times and will prove to be completely inept.

WENDY CREWSON

As all women are.

HARRISON FORD

Do I have two top lieutenants, one of whom will probably die and one of whom will probably survive?

WILLIAM H. MACY AND PAUL GILFOYLE

(eating onion rings and drinking Slurpees)

Reporting for duty, sir!

HARRISON FORD

Good, now all that's left is another trusted lieutenant actually working for the terrorists.

(crickets)

Anyone?

XANDER BERKELEY

(silently crushing a Mickey Mouse figurine)

HARRISON FORD

No? Oh well, I'm sure you will reveal yourself at the stupidest possible moment. Now let's do this!

GARY OLDMAN

I guess that's my cue.

(fashions bullets from the metal of the Vince Lombardi trophy, hijacks plane and takes passengers hostage)

WILLIAM H. MACY

Quick Harrison, we have to save you! Get into this escape pod that does not actually exist on the real Air Force One in order to advance the plot.

HARRISON FORD

Ok, but being the President AND Harrison Ford, you must know that I will have to save everyone in this movie single-handedly. Gonna be hard to do that from the ground.

WILLIAM H. MACY

One man, save everyone on this plane single-handedly? That would be like if FDR flew to Germany and personally punched all of the Nazis to death.

HARRISON FORD

No, that would be like if FDR flew to Germany and personally punched all of the Nazis to death WHILE saying, "Heil THIS, motherfucker."

WILLIAM H. MACY

Does that mean this movie is going to have some pseudo-badass catch phrase too? I should have known.

HARRISON FORD

Don't worry about it. Just walk away and assume I got in the escape pod.

INT. COCKPIT

ELYA BASKIN

Gary! The pilots managed to land the plane before we could take control of the cockpit. Now I will have to get it back in the air before running out of runway. This could statistically never happen.

GARY OLDMAN

Of course it couldn't. Now get it back in the air anyway.

CUT TO:

EXT. GERMAN AIR FORCE BASE

RANDOM AIR FORCE CAPTAIN

A Boeing 747 needs at minimum a mile of runway to take off. They have like 100 feet. Don't bother trying to shoot out an engine or anything, comrades, it'll never happen.

(Catches glimpse of Harrison Ford's face as plane careens by)

DAMMIT!!

(plane takes off)

CUT TO:

INT. CARGO HOLD

HARRISON FORD

(drinking a Sam Adams)

Surprise! I didn't escape in the escape pod. Let me call the vice president to let her know.

PAUL GILFOYLE

Wait, "her?!" The vice president is a woman? But I thought we established that all women in Harrison Ford movies are completely inept!

GLENN CLOSE

Who says I'm not? I am going to spend most of the movie completely misinterpreting the Constitution instead of doing anything that might help, like remotely interfering with the plane's equipment and giving the terrorists no choice but to land.

PAUL GILFOYLE

That capability doesn't exist in this movie.

GLENN CLOSE

Yeah, I kind of figured that.

HARRISON FORD

See what I mean about "single-handedly?" Let me do something useful like dump some fuel off this bitch.

There are FIVE WIRES attached to the FUSELAGE. They are colored GREEN, YELLOW, RED, WHITE and BLUE. HARRISON FORD needs to cut TWO WIRES and leave THREE INTACT in order to START THE FUEL DUMP. Please GUESS WHICH THREE he will leave intact. TAKE YOUR TIME.

HARRISON FORD

(actual line)

I'm counting on you, red, white and blue.

(cuts green and yellow wires)

The PLANE CRASHES! EVERYONE DIES!

CUT TO:

INT. COCKPIT

GARY OLDMAN

This movie just went 40 seconds without an action scene. Let me rectify this by killing some people.

DONNA BULLOCK

I am a pretty blond woman who is kind and friendly. I am also in a Harrison Ford movie. I am confident I will survive until the end.

ELYA BASKIN

Gary! Air Force One is dumping fuel! Could it be that a rogue hostage initiated this fuel dump from below deck?

(pause)

Nah, I'm sure the plane entrusted with carrying the President of the United States leaks fuel all the time. I'm not going to worry about it.

GARY OLDMAN

Neither am I. I will just convince Glenn Close to refuel us in midair.

DONNA BULLOCK

That is completely unrealistic and therefore will obviously happen in this movie.

GARY OLDMAN

Actually Air Force One really does have the capability of being refueled in midair.

DONNA BULLOCK

You mean...this movie is actually going to include a detail...that is...accurate?

(head explodes)

(dies)

GARY OLDMAN

Ha ha, I broke a Harrison Ford movie rule! Now refuel this plane or else!

GLENN CLOSE

We will NEVER negotiate with terrorists!

(pause)

Ok, fine.

INT. CARGO HOLD

HARRISON FORD

While the plane is being refueled, we will open the exit ramp and parachute to freedom at the extremely safe altitude of 15,000 feet over an unknown area of Eastern Europe. What a great plan. Hey - not so fast, actors recognizable to the audience!

XANDER BERKELEY

(burning a wad of 20 dollar bills)

I will stay to protect you, sir.

HARRISON FORD

Actually Xander, you're not that well-known. You can go.

XANDER BERKELEY

But uh...I, um...well you see...

(interrupted by hijackers)

RANDOM HIJACKER

I should stop them by depressurizing the exit ramp even though that should have already happened when the exit ramp actually opened.

(opens door)

(multiple people fall to their deaths off the exit ramp)

HARRISON FORD

(almost falling to his death off the exit ramp)

Let me grab hold of the edge of the plane and hang on for dear life. No matter that the plane is traveling at about 600 miles per hour and at that speed, my arm would be ripped from my socket. I have Harrison fucking Ford's arms!

WILLIAM H. MACY pulls HARRISON FORD to SAFETY. The HIJACKERS actually HELP HIM because, well, come on – wouldn't EVERYONE save HARRISON FORD?

INT. COCKPIT

HARRISON FORD

All right Gary. You got me. Let's dance.

GARY OLDMAN

I want you to release our terrorist leader that your soldiers captured at the beginning of this movie. I chose the most ridiculous way possible to force you to do this. What would I seriously do if you released him? Sit back and watch the in-flight movie until we land in Washington D.C.?

HARRISON FORD

You don't have to worry about that because I will NEVER! NEGOTIATE! WITH TERRORISTS!

(begins singing "God Bless America")

GARY OLDMAN

Please?

HARRISON FORD

...laaaand that I loooove...

GARY OLDMAN

Pretty please?

HARRISON FORD

...and guiiiiide her...

GARY OLDMAN

FINE! Well I will just threaten to kill your daughter then to force your hand.

LIESEL MATTHEWS

Don't let him kill me Daddy!

HARRISON FORD

Fuck! I forgot about that. All right, release the terrorist.

The TERRORIST is RELEASED in the most EXTREMELY TIME-CONSUMING WAY POSSIBLE in order to give HARRISON FORD enough time to GAIN THE UPPER HAND!

There is A LOT of AIMLESS FIGHTING. PAUL GILFOYLE is SHOT, but SURVIVES.

WILLIAM H. MACY

Aw, come on!!

INT. CARGO HOLD

GARY OLDMAN

You may think you've retaken the plane, Harrison, but I have your wife! I will throw her off the exit ramp if you don't still let our leader go free.

HARRISON FORD

(tackles Gary)

I TOLD YOU! I WILL NEVER NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!

GARY OLDMAN

But you just fucking did!!!

They WRESTLE WUSSILY.

WENDY CREWSON

Gary dropped his gun! But I can't shoot him because he is so close to Harrison that I might accidentally hit him instead! I suppose I could walk up to Gary and shoot him at close range, thereby ensuring that I hit the right person.

(remembers role in movie)

Never mind.

GARY OLDMAN

The whole movie has been building to the scene of the two of us kicking each other's asses...and this is it? The only thing that would make this lamer is if Harrison chose this exact moment to utter his ridiculous catchphrase.

HARRISON FORD

(slowly pulls chili cheese dog from jacket pocket and begins eating it)

GARY OLDMAN

Goddammmmiittt-

HARRISON FORD

(strangles Gary with original American flag stitched by Betsy Ross)

(actual line, but you already knew that)

GET OFF MY PLANE!!!!!!!!!

GARY OLDMAN

By doing so would I avoid having to be present for the next 45 minutes of this movie? Yes? Ok, see ya.

(dies)

HARRISON FORD

Wait, there are still 45 minutes left in this movie?

INT. WHITE HOUSE

GLENN CLOSE

Our crew retook the plane! Now we can throw that terrorist back in prison. Please try not to get him killed while doing this guys, the entire world is watching.

The AMERICAN and RUSSIAN MILITARYS KILL the TERRORIST on NATIONAL TELEVISION.

GLENN CLOSE

Well that should sit well with his supporters.

CUT TO:

INT. AIR FORCE ONE

WILLIAM H. MACY

The terrorist's supporters have sent fighter jets after us! And we have no one to pilot the aircraft! And Harrison, if you say that you have flying experience so help me –

HARRISON FORD

Luckily enough for all of you, I am a heavily decorated Vietnam War hero. This should not translate AT ALL to me being able to fly a 747, but it obviously will.

It DOES. Air Force One SUCCESSFULLY EVADES the ATTACKING FIGHTER JETS and THE MOVIE ENDS!

ACTUALLY, it KEEPS FUCKING GOING.

INT. COCKPIT

HARRISON FORD

Oh no, my crack flying skills have left Air Force One too badly damaged to land. We are ultimately going to crash in the Atlantic Ocean. How we are already over the Atlantic after leaving Moscow just a couple of hours ago makes no logical sense whatsoever.

(catches reflection in cockpit mirror)

Oh yea, that's right.

GLENN CLOSE

Not to worry, I will send one of our fighter jets after you and its soldiers will rescue you via zip line. Yes, I said zip line. Oh and there will only be enough time to rescue about 4 of you before the plane crashes, so if there is a hidden villain now might be the time to reveal yourself.

XANDER BERKELEY

(peeing into a Starbucks cup)

GLENN CLOSE

Ok, but don't say you didn't have your shot.

EXT. EXIT DOOR

RANDOM SOLDIER

(on zip line outside exit door)

I have direct orders from the government to rescue the President first! THE PRESIDENT FIRST! And ONLY THE PRESIDENT FIRST!

HARRISON FORD

No, my family first!

RANDOM SOLDIER

Ok.

(rescues family)

Now ONLY THE PRESIDENT NEXT!

HARRISON FORD

No, the injured Paul Gilfoyle next!

RANDOM SOLDIER

Ok.

(rescues Paul Gilfoyle)

Now I'M GODDAMN SERIOUS, THE PRESIDENT NEXT!

HARRISON FORD

No, my loyal patriots William H. Macy and Xander Berkeley first!

RANDOM SOLDIER

Actually I seriously only have time to rescue one more person.

HARRISON FORD

Shit, never mind.

XANDER BERKELEY

Wait, sacrifice myself for you? Are you kidding me?

(shoots random soldier)

(shoots William H. Macy)

WILLIAM H. MACY

Goddamn you Paul Gilfoyle!

(dies)

HARRISON FORD

Wait, it was you working for the terrorists?? Now that you mention it, this scene does smell of "stupidest possible moment for traitor to reveal oneself," so it looks like you won "Harrison Ford Movie Double-Cross Bingo!" The prize is death by plane crash, enjoy!

(beats shit out of Xander Berkeley, gets off plane via zip line)

XANDER BERKELEY

You know, I would be super pissed but in a few years I will be on one of the fucking coolest shows on television and you'll be making "What Lies Beneath." So in a way I did win!!

(plane crashes)

(dies)

HARRISON FORD

(flapping in breeze on zip line)

Let me pretend I didn't hear that and float along for another 10 minutes to drag this movie out even longer.

ANOTHER RANDOM SOLDIER

Will you hurry the hell up? If you don't make it on this plane a woman will become president! A WOMAN, FORD!

HARRISON FORD

Holy shit! That may be the only thing too illogical for a Harrison Ford movie! Here I am.

(pulls himself onto plane)

WENDY CREWSON

Oh honey, I'm so glad you survived! And let me make sure to say this right in front of our teenage daughter - I totally agree with you about that "woman being president" thing. Isn't that just the silliest thing you ever heard?

HARRISON FORD

Actually a black president would be the silliest thing.

WENDY CREWSON

Wait, "black?" What is this word of which you speak? That word does not exist in a Harrison Ford movie.

RANDOM SOLDIER

But...I'm black.

HARRISON FORD

(pause)

GET OFF MY PLANE!!!!

END