FADE IN:

EXT. CHARLESTOWN, NEIGHBORHOOD OF BOSTON

BEN AFFLECK and his BOOK CLUB are having a ROUNDTABLE DISCUSSION.

BEN AFFLECK

According to what we just read, this neighborhood has the most bank robberies per square mile in the nation.

SLAINE

Even though research puts Boston third-to-last among major cities in such robberies, but whatever.

BEN AFFLECK

Anyway, any thoughts on what we could do to kill time? And if you say read the "Twilight" series so help me --

JEREMY RENNER

We could walk very fah to a bah instead of taking a cah and I could carry a jah of tah. Or something.

(instantly nominated for an Oscah)

Or we could rob a bank.

BEN, JEREMY, SLAINE and SOME OTHER GUY rob a BANK wearing their JAMAICAN DEATH-EATER MASKS.

JEREMY RENNER

Open the fucking vault, you fucking fuckhead! We know the drop-off is at 8:15.

REBECCA HALL

Actually armored car operators vary their schedule daily to avoid exactly this, but boo hoo, you're being mean to me.

BEN AFFLECK

Shh, it'll all be ok. Will you please open the vault for us sweetheart? Pretty please? As I make no effort to disguise my voice whatsoever because obviously I will never be stupid enough to try and get into contact with you after this robbery?

REBECCA HALL

Aw, a nice bank robber! Ok, sure.

REBECCA opens the VAULT and BEN takes all the MONEY, while JEREMY takes REBECCA HOSTAGE.

JEREMY RENNER

I'm taking you hostage as collateral partly in case the cops are waiting for us outside, but mostly because I'm fucking crazy. Here, look at my neck tattoo. Did you get a good look at it? No? Let me move to the back of the van next to you so you get a better look. Is that better?

BEN AFFLECK

Shut up dammit, taking her hostage was a really stupid idea. But now that she's heard our voices, seen our getaway car and would be able to identify you on the street, let's just drop her off at a random reservoir. Nothing bad could come of that.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION

REBECCA HALL

There were four of them, they drive a red, windowless van as a getaway car and the mean one had the Notre Dame mascot tattooed on the back of his neck.

JON HAMM

Thanks, anything else?

REBECCA HALL

Actually, what I meant was, I saw nothing. Sorry.

JON HAMM

You're not acting shifty at all, feel free to go.

REBECCA then attempts to get over her ORDEAL by DOING LAUNDRY, as ALL PEOPLE would do.

BEN AFFLECK

Hey, I think you left these Spongebob underpants in the dryer. Wait, don't cry, it's not that embarrassing that you wear them.

REBECCA HALL

Wait, I recognize your voice! Oh never mind, no I don't. Anyway, I'm crying because I've just been through a terrible situation and even though any female knows this would be the absolute worst possible time to start a relationship, you wanna go out?

BEN AFFLECK

Okay!

INT. "FLOWER SHOP"

BEN AFFLECK

Hey guys, what's up? Nothing suspicious here!

JEREMY RENNER

We're just planning our next bank robbery since the last one went so well, what with the hostage thing and all.

BEN AFFLECK

Yeah, about that --

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

You're not going to sit this one out, are you? As this movie's designated crime boss, I am obligated to tell you that I will rip your fucking nuts off if you even so much as think that.

JEREMY RENNER

Yeah, doing that would be almost as stupid as one of us falling for Rebecca Hall!

CUT TO:

INT. BEN'S CAR, AKA HIM FALLING FOR REBECCA

BEN AFFLECK

So you were the hostage in that bank robbery, huh? Who woulda thunk it? You remember anything? Be EXTREMELY specific.

REBECCA HALL

Well, one had a tattoo of the Lucky Charms man on his neck. Know anyone like that?

BEN AFFLECK

Nope, absolutely not, no way in hell.

REBECCA HALL

Also, one time a group of boys stole my lunch money and pulled my braid, it was really mean of them. That has absolutely nothing to do with the bank robbery by the way, so why I'm telling you this I have no idea.

BEN AFFLECK

I could irrationally beat the absolute shit out of them and almost kill them for you if you'd like.

REBECCA HALL

Yeah, that'd be great. Can you do something about those meanie bank robbers too?

BEN AFFLECK

Nah, I'm sure they meant well.

BEN recruits JEREMY to help him BEAT UP the guys that INSULTED REBECCA. In the process JEREMY INTENTIONALLY REVEALS HIS FACE to his victims.

JEREMY RENNER

Get a good long look bitches, this is the face that in less than a year will be starring in every franchise known to man! Also it'd be really great if you didn't turn me in to the police. I've already spent 9 years in prison and if I have to eat any more dry meatloaf, I'll go fucking ape shit.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION

THUG

(identifying Jeremy)

Yea that was definitely him, I remember that damn butter face.

JON HAMM

Great, thanks. Wow, so now two people have identified either Jeremy himself or a characteristic of his as being involved in a crime. Also, he runs in a group of four. That sounds familiar. But I'll just sit on this information. No way anything major will happen in the next few days.

CUT TO:

INT. CHARLESTOWN BANK

BEN AFFLECK

God I'm pissed that you guys made me do this, I could be having sex with Rebecca Hall right now. Oh wait, did I say that out loud? Dammit!

JEREMY RENNER

What did you say Ben? I can't hear fucking anything under this ridiculous nun mask. Was that your idea? It was, wasn't it?

SLAINE

Nah it was me, I didn't want anyone to know that I was in this movie after I realized I only get 1 and ½ lines. Also the Salvation Army was out of Daredevil masks.

JEREMY RENNER

You bought them at the Salvation Army? You dumbass, the cops probably saw you on camera! They're probably outside waiting for us right now!

SLAINE

I was actually banking they're just going to stay back at the station and try to put together more evidence on top of the fucking piles they already have, even though in every city what they have is enough to bring us in for questioning.

JEREMY RENNER

Hmm, good call.

JON HAMM and the rest of the COPS pull up.

EVERYONE

Fuck!

The group SHOOTS ITS WAY OUT.

BEN AFFLECK

Wahh, I almost got shot! I need my daddy.

BEN AFFLECK visits his FATHER, CHRIS COOPER, who is serving LIFE IN PRISON.

BEN AFFLECK

Dad, I have a serious problem. Our gang took a hostage during a bank robbery awhile back, and now I'm falling in love with her because I'm retarded. Also I think Jeremy Renner is batshit crazy, and yes I'm just realizing this now after knowing him for years. What should I dooooo?

CHRIS COOPER

Well, my son –

BEN AFFLECK

Never mind, I gotta get you off the screen before you out-act everyone in just one scene.

CHRIS COOPER

Too late.

BEN AFFLECK

Anyway, it's not like I need your advice. After all, you're only in prison serving a life sentence because you wouldn't rat out your friends while being questioned, even though it would've reduced your time. But it's not like I'm ever going to need to know how not to buckle under pressure because that'll never –

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM

BEN AFFLECK

Shit.

JON HAMM

We really need to talk, Ben. See, my girlfriend just made me watch "Jersey Girl" and I am super pissed.

BEN AFFLECK

Jesus, can't you people give that up already? Yes, J.Lo was a mistake, I am responsible for the making of "Elektra" and my current Justin Bieber haircut is a very unfortunate decision!! What more do you want from me??!?!?!

JON HAMM

(pause)

Actually nothing, that was pretty good. You can go.

JON and the COPS interrogate ALL OF BEN'S CRONIES and are UNABLE to hold them on ANYTHING.

JON HAMM

Man, I really thought we had them! If only I hadn't waited 6,874 hours to question them and given them ample time to get their stories straight.

RANDOM COP

Hey, you know what's weird? When Ben left here he went to Rebecca Hall's house. Strange, right? I wonder if there's any way we could use that information to our advantage.

(pause)

Nah.

INT. "FLOWER SHOP"

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

Even though the last one was a complete fuck-up, I definitely think that an even more complicated and risky robbery is the way to go. And again, don't even think about ditching the club for a girl, Ben. Remember what happened to your mother.

BEN AFFLECK

Wait, what the FUCK?! That is completely new information to me!

JEREMY RENNER

Uh, you're kidding right? You really didn't see that coming?

BEN AFFLECK

So you killed my mommy and you're going to kill Rebecca??? Obviously the only plan of action for me is to go and tell Rebecca the truth thereby leading you right to her.

BEN goes to REBECCA to COME CLEAN, but HE'S TOO LATE.

REBECCA HALL

Ben, Jon Hamm sacked up and confronted me about my relationship with you, which means I know you were one of the robbers that took me hostage, so get out!!! But please don't run off and screw Blake Lively because I still might love you.

BEN AFFLECK

Who?

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM

BLAKE LIVELY

Let me remind everyone that I am in this movie by trying to get in your pants, Ben.

BEN AFFLECK

Uh, no. I'm in love with someone else and I was never in love with you. You were just a good lay. And my dick treatment of you right here could in no way ever come back to bite me in the ass.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM

JON HAMM

So you're saying that you got strung out on drugs and crashed your car because Ben Affleck has moved on? This is all over Ben Affleck? Really?

BLAKE LIVELY

I'll do anything to try and make people forget that I'm actually a TV actor. You should know the feeling.

JON HAMM

Shit, you're right. Anything else you wanna tell me?

BLAKE LIVELY

Yeah, my brother Jeremy is a douche and they're all going to try and rob the Boston Red Sox at Fenway today.

The movie INSTANTLY SELLS OUT in THE BRONX.

INT. FENWAY PARK

BEN and JEREMY, disguised as COPS, get all the way to the VAULT and back to their GETAWAY CAR without any MAJOR PROBLEMS.

BEN AFFLECK

Doesn't a crime movie build all the way until the major heist at the end? Did that seriously just take us 3 minutes?

JEREMY RENNER

I thought everybody knew by now that this was actually a romance disguised as a crime movie.

They attempt to DRIVE AWAY only to find the stadium SURROUNDED BY COPS. SLAINE and THAT OTHER GUY are KILLED.

BEN AFFLECK

Since everyone we encountered will be able to tell the cops that we're also dressed in police uniforms, we should definitely keep the uniforms on and walk out the front door.

JEREMY RENNER

Sounds like a plan.

(shot by cops)

Damn!

(hides)

(pause)

Ah, fuck this.

(jumps out shooting)

You may take my life, but you'll never take MY FREEEEEEEDOOOOMM –

(shot dead)

BEN AFFLECK

Oh no, my best friend was just shot dead in front of me! I should really spend some time mourning him! Also I'm surrounded by cops! How will I ever get away --

CUT TO:

EXT. FLORIDA

BEN AFFLECK

-- that was easy.

MEANWHILE, in BOSTON, REBECCA finds a SHITLOAD OF MONEY and a TANGERINE left for her by BEN.

BEN AFFLECK

(in note)

Do you remember the name of the town, Rebecca?

REBECCA HALL

Yea, it's Tangerine, Florida, you told me that like a million times and you left me an actual fucking tangerine. But even though I stupidly never figured out that you were part of the gang that took me hostage, I'm definitely not stupid enough to come and live with you. I'm staying here.

BEN AFFLECK

Good thing I killed Pete Postlethwaite then or you might be in trouble.

REBECCA HALL

Wait, murder?? And you ran away to Florida? They have the death penalty there you know.

BEN AFFLECK

If I got caught I'd just get shipped back to Massachusetts. And apparently you can get away with murdering your own toddler here so I should be golden.

REBECCA HALL

Yea but if you fuck up down there, you're in serious trouble.

BEN AFFLECK

Funny, I hear the same thing from Jennifer Garner every night.

END