FADE IN:

A NEWS MONTAGE hints at the coming ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE while also introducing the soundtrack by MUSE, painstakingly crafted by playing the final track of the 2ND LAW album over and over and over again.

INT. BRAD PITT'S HOUSE

BRAD prepares for his normal, routine day with his wife MIREILLE ENOS.

BRAD PITT

Wait a sec... so the zombie apocalypse hasn't happened yet? Isn't the whole book set AFTER the...

MIREILLE ENOS

It is. But the guys adapting it got stuck on the front cover, so congrats, you're starring in a summer blockbuster based on a title.

BRAD PITT

And I see we have two adorable little escort missions, er I mean, daughters. Can't wait to holler your names through panicked crowds later.

(thinks)

Any reason there couldn't just be one of you?

BRAD'S DAUGHTERS

Nope.

EXT. CITY STREET

The BRADMILY is stuck in traffic.

BRAD PITT

I swear, if is this is another one of those make-work construction projects I'm gonna...

POLICEMAN

(running wildly)

AW GAWD ZOMBIES EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIVES!!!!

BRAD PITT

That's a relief. Looks like we're getting straight to the action! Buckle up kids, this is gonna be zombie carnage on a scale never seen before. We're talking GLOBAL amounts of gore and evisceration that...

MIREILLE ENOS

Er, don't forget that this movie is, itself, ALSO single-mindedly bent on achieving worldwide saturation.

BRAD PITT

Huh? Why would that matter...

The ZOMBIE HORDE arrives!! LIMBS and SEVERED HEADS and BLOOD and ENTRAILS fly in all directions as There is lots of censor-friendly SCREAMING and RUNNING AROUND in a SUITABLE FOR MASS MARKET fashion!

BRAD PITT

I see your point. Well, an undead plague sanitized for international consumption is still an undead plague, I guess. Let's go!!

The BRADMILY makes a run for it! BRAD uses his SOUND MIXING powers to focus in on ONE SPECIFIC VICTIM.

BRAD PITT

Based on a sample size of that one guy, I now know for a fact that it takes exactly 12 seconds to become a zombie. Although since he started convulsing and howling after about two seconds, I could probably mark that down under "right away".

They corral an RV and make a GETAWAY, but one of the DAUGHTERS turns out to have been BITTEN, forcing BRAD to make an unthinkable choice while raising the emotional stakes to intense heights of has an ASTHMA ATTACK! They park outside a PHARMACY.

INT. PHARMACY

BRAD finds the HELPFUL GUN-TOTING PHARMACIST section and gets the asthma meds! Unfortunately MIREILLE takes a wrong turn into the SEXUAL ASSAULT AISLE requiring another DRAMATIC ESCAPE!

BRAD PITT

Aw fuck those fucking cockfucking cuntfuckers stole our fucking Dangit, the RV's been stolen, with all our gear!

MIREILLE ENOS

At least I found us some flares during the ten seconds I wasn't busy fighting off gang rapists.

BRAD PITT

Seriously?! Wow, you're every bit as cool-headed and resourceful as me, if not more. Too bad that was your last positive contribution to this entire story.

They duck into an APARTMENT BUILDING and are taken in by a HISPANIC FAMILY.

BRAD PITT

I feel a strange paternal instinct towards this child from another culture. Remember kid, movement is life. Staying put is death.

HISPANIC KID

You mean like the scientists at the end who go nowhere and are fine? Or the soldiers in Korea who are fine until they try to help you go somewhere?

BRAD PITT

No more lines for you.

INT. APARTMENT TOWER - THE NEXT MORNING

BRAD PITT

We need to get to the roof. I called my U.N. buddy Fana Mokoena and he's sending a helicopter to come get us.

MIREILLE ENOS

Are you sure we should risk it? What if they don't make it, or aren't really coming at all, and we get trapped up there? We'd be doomed.

BRAD PITT

(grimly)

There's no other choice. It's a huge gamble but we have to take a leap of faith, which will also ratchet up the suspense as...

CUT TO:

INT. HELICOPTER

CHOPPER PILOT

WOO-HOO BRAD RESCUE IS UNDERWAAAY!!

CHOPPER GUNNER

Suspense element targeted, locked and destroyed!! OO-RAH!!

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENTS

BRAD PITT

...oh.

Everyone heads up the STAIRS but then ZOMBIES AIIEEEE STAIRS RUSH ARRRGH BRAD DAUGHTER RUN ENOS LOOK OUT FLARE MIREILLE RAAAARRRGH SCREAM CRASH KEEP GOING HISPANIC AIIEEEE PITT ZOMBIES NOOOO FIGHT CHOMP ARRRRGH

EXT. ROOFTOP

The BRADMILY arrives on the roof!

MIREILLE ENOS

Holy fuck cow what just happened?!

BRAD PITT

I think I maybe got bit by a zombie. Or we might have made a baby, it was really unclear.

(pause)

Anyway I'll use the 12-second rule to make sure I won't turn, starting now, even though way more than 12 seconds have already passed.

Just then the HELICOPTER arrives in the FOREGROUND in 3D!

CHOPPER PILOT

Quick, even though you could all easily be infected, please pile aboard our chopper!

BRAD PITT

(squinting)

Hey, you're Matthew Fox. Why are you Matthew Fox?

MATTHEW FOX

(pause)

No reason.

EXT. AMERICAN NAVAL FLEET

The HELICOPTER hovers in the FOREGROUND in 3D as the BRADMILY is greeted by FANA MOKOENA.

BRAD PITT

Fana, I'm so happy we got out, let me rush towards you and plant my mouth on your head, surely the smartest thing to do when surrounded by armed soliders freaking out about zombies!

FANA MOKOENA

Oh that's okay, after all, the incubation time is different for different people so you could still turn any second now.

BRAD PITT

Really?

FANA MOKOENA

Yeah, we realized that if everyone followed the 12-second rule there was no way in hell the virus could get across the ocean, and we'd have no movie.

BRAD PITT

Well, I will continue to use the 12-second rule, and because I am the star it will always be right.

FANA MOKOENA

(shrugs)

It's not like we're going to take any precautions anyway. So as you've perhaps guessed, the zombies are everywhere on Earth and the human race is in danger of extinction. Civilization as we know it has ended. Did you want to pause and react in any way to this devastating news?

BRAD PITT

Not really. I figure I'll save my big emotional moment for when somebody the audience cares about gets zombified...

(checks script)

Huh, that never happens. So what's the plan?

FANA MOKOENA

We need you to go to South Korea, because we found an email there that mentioned zombies and it is the only email in existence to ever do that. Then, since we threw away the original story, you'll be going to a variety of global locations until imminent catastrophe forces you to rush to the plane taking off just in the nick of time, which gets you to the next location, and so on... basically "2012" except with zombies instead of natural disasters. "Z01Z", if you will.

BRAD PITT

Fine, whatever.

(pause)

What if I told you I'd rather stay here to protect my family, surrounded by battleships and soldiers, rather than go help thwart the zombie plague and save humanity, which includes my family?

FANA MOKOENA

(chuckling)

Right, like you'd agree to play a lead character so selfish and cowardly. That's a good one! Now let's get you a fresh scarf.

INT. PLANE

The PLANE HOVERS in the FOREGROUND in 3D as it takes BRAD, a SCIENTIST, and some UN SOLDIERS to KOREA.

SCIENTIST

I believe the zombie plague came from natural causes. But there's a thing about Nature.

(actual line)

Sometimes, what you think is its greatest strength, is ACTUALLY its greatest weakness.

BRAD PITT

Which in this case means what? We'll turn its astonishing virulence, exponential rate of growth, and near-invulnerability against it?

SCIENTIST

Well no, what we'll really do is exploit a secondary characteristic to our advantage.

BRAD PITT

(nodding)

"It's not a bug, it's a feature."

SCIENTIST

Exactly. But when you eventually figure it out, be sure to use my "strength/weakness" line, it sounds more impressive that way.

EXT. LANDING STRIP - KOREA

The PLANE LANDS in the FOREGROUND in 3D but ZOMBIES attack! The SCIENTIST trips and TOTALLY BLOWS HIS OWN BRAINS OUT IN A SPLATTER OF BLOODY SKULL it is STRONGLY IMPLIED that something VERY BAD HAPPENS TO HIM! BRAD and the UN SOLDIERS reach the US BASE.

US SOLDIERS

OOO-RAH!! WE FUCK UP ZEKES WHO WANNA FUCK US UP, WE FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THE ZOMBIE TWAT Golly, welcome aboard, Brad! We sure hope we can be helpful.

BRAD PITT

Me too, since the one guy who knew anything is now dead.

SOLDIER

Oh. Then we've got nothing.

BRAD PITT

Nothing at all?

SOLDIER

Nope.

BRAD PITT

Really?

SOLDIER

(sighs)

Okay, we have one CIA dude who says he has critical information about the zombies. But THAT'S IT.

They take him to see DAVID MORSE who has gone CRAY CRAY.

DAVID MORSE

(conspiratorially)

So two years ago, Jerusalem built a giant honkin wall around itself that is visible from space.

BRAD PITT

Oh my God, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing that would never be noticed by every news channel and government on Earth, and I could only learn from a deranged spy!! This must be crucially important, I've gotta get back to my plane.

SOLDIER

All right. Since the Zekes are drawn by sound, we'll use creaky old bicycles to take a path ten times as long as we took before.

BRAD PITT

This is the best possible time to leave my phone on!

Sure enough the phone RINGS halfway there! ZOMBIES attack, but BRAD and a DIFFERENT SOLDIER make it to the plane and TAKE OFF!

BRAD PITT

(on phone)

Mireille, was that you calling me just now?

MIREILLE ENOS

Yeah, I got bored with being written out of the movie. Thought we could chat.

BRAD PITT

Well since I'm busy being dropped into various zombie-infested locations, how about from now on DO NOT CALL ME I WILL CALL YOU.

EXT. JERUSALEM

A HELICOPTER hovers in the FOREGROUND in 3D as BRAD lands and meets Israeli soldier DANIELLA KERTESZ.

DANIELLA KERTESZ

Welcome. As you see, we built an enormous anti-zombie wall all the way around the city, with a nice smooth top just in case they ever reach it.

BRAD PITT

And all the time you've had this, it never struck you to add spikes or barbed wire to the top, or to have guards there, or use any of the other hundreds-of-years-old techniques that exist to stop people from going over walls?

DANIELLA KERTESZ

Nope. But we DO have mesh tunnels to let tons more humans inside, because we have limitless food and water and space.

However somebody sets up a LOUDSPEAKER which suddenly makes the CITY CRAMMED WITH HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE just that extra little bit TOO NOISY!!

BRAD PITT

Yoiks, the zombies are cresting the wall! But you must have a fallback position, or a Plan B, or something, right?

DANIELLA KERTESZ

Nope, we are now completely monkeyfucked in a spot of bother.

BRAD PITT

I guess it's run-to-the-plane time again!

They RUN but DANIELLA gets bit in the hand!

BRAD PITT

Don't worry, I saw this on Walking Dead!

BRAD TOTALLY CHOPS OFF DANIELLA'S HAND AND THE EXPOSED STUMP SPRAYS BLOOD EVERYWHERE makes a THWACKING SOUND and now DANIELLA'S HAND is missing!

DANIELLA KERTESZ

AIEEEE! I know it's tradition for zombie-movie characters to shrug off severed limbs like paper cuts, but I think I'll buck tradition and actually go into shock for a while.

BRAD PITT

Can't you grow a new hand or shoot guns with your feet or something?

DANIELLA KERTESZ

Look, Sandler's "Zohan" movie was not entirely accurate, okay? Let's get to your plane and...

ARMY PILOT

(taking off)

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Sorry, can't wait. Best of luck though!

Instead BRAD and DANIELLA get to a PASSENGER JET which has been patiently waiting to be allowed to taxi out of the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. As they TAKE OFF, BRAD uses his MONTAGE POWERS to come to an IMPORTANT REALIZATION! He calls MIREILLE.

BRAD PITT

Mireille, quick, put Fana on before you accidentally participate in this scene!

FANA MOKOENA

(on phone)

Okay, I'm here. What's going on?

BRAD PITT

Listen to me there's NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! NONE AT ALL!! Okay in that time I could have said "the zombies ignore fatally diseased people" but THERE'S NO TIME!! TELL THE PILOT WHERE THE CLOSEST W.H.O. BASE IS and I could have told you my theory a second time by now!

FANA MOKOENA

(on phone)

Okay, that's taken care of. So what's the theory about saving everyone and hello? Hello?

They FLY in the FOREGROUND in 3D for a while.

BRAD PITT

(frowns)

Thought I heard something... hm, it sounds like screaming and panic on the other side of that curtain. I wonder what it could possibly be. Let's have a look.

(looks)

SHIT FUCK Oh geez guys, there's zombies on the plane! Quick, stack some luggage here, that way when the zombies burst through you can be pinned down by zombies AND luggage!

The luggage plan EPIC FAILS just about as spectacularly as you'd expect. Luckily BRAD'S CARRY-ON LUGGAGE is a GRENADE and he uses it to BLOW THE PLANE IN HALF!

EXT. IRELAND - IN A TREE

BRAD PITT

(regaining consciousness)

Hrnn... I'm alive! But arrgh, my left arm is a mangled pulp of exposed sinew and I have the obligatory nonlethal Shrapnel-Through-The-Torso.™ I sure hope Daniella is miraculously okay.

DANIELLA KERTESZ

Yup!

BRAD uses his INTERNAL GPS POWERS to find the WHO LAB but the effort causes him to PASS OUT.

INT. WHO LABORATORIES

BRAD wakes up strapped to a TABLE and surrounded by suspicious doctors PETER CAPALDI, PIERFRANCESCO FAVINO, and RUTH NEGGA who is a living testament to the importance of proofreading.

PETER CAPALDI

Hee hee, we're all credited as "WHO Doctor", which is like Doctor Who backwards. Hee hee.

RUTH NEGGA

Quiet, Peter. We have to be hugely suspicious of Brad, even though his companion is awake and should have explained everything to us already.

PIERFRANCESCO FAVINO

Yes, we suspect you, Brad! Witness my cold glare of suspicion!

BRAD PITT

Shut up and give me my phone!

(dials)

Mireille? Hello?

FANA MOKOENA

(on phone)

Uh no, it's me. I made the crazy decision that if you could call only one person, it should be the guy who sent you to retrieve information crucial to the survival of all humans. I've moved your family to a secure location in Nova Scotia.

BRAD PITT

Secure? You don't think Nova Scotia is an island do you? Because it's not, although it IS right next to Newfoundland and Prince Edward ISLAND, which guess what, are ISLANDS. Anyway with the last ounce of battery please tell these guys who I am, instead of me telling you my theory to save everyone.

PIERFRANCESCO FAVINO

And the phone's dead. So what is this goddamn theory?

BRAD PITT

If we give ourselves deadly diseases, the zombies will avoid us. It'll be... camouflage. That's a brand new word I just made up.

RUTH NEGGA

Good idea. Thing is, the way to our deadly-virus room is full of zombies. We should figure out a way to broadcast this idea so that another WHO lab can...

BRAD PITT

NO NO NO ONLY WE MUST TEST THIS THEORY!!! We have to distract the audience from realizing that this whole trek around the globe didn't mean squat, and I could have solved everything by watching assorted surveillance footage from the safety of the original fleet!

RUTH NEGGA

Okay, geez. Have a crowbar.

They HEAD OUT, but ZOMBIES appear and EVERYONE WHO'S NOT BRAD TOTALLY BAILS. BRAD swings his CROWBAR which CAVES IN A ZOMBIE'S SKULL makes a LOUD THUMP and a ZOMBIE falls down! ANOTHER ZOMBIE approaches him but the CROWBAR is CAUGHT IN AN EYESOCKET AND GRINDING THE ZOMBIE EYE TO JELLY AS BRAD FRANTICALLY PULLS AT IT mysteriously stuck on something out of frame! But it comes FREE just in time for BRAD to BRUTALLY DEMOLISH THE ZOMBIE'S FACE LIKE SO MUCH MOLDY RASPBERRY CHEESECAKE shame it into submission with a disapproving glare!

BRAD PITT

Dear God, this has to be the least bloody undead movie since The Omega Man.

(is old)

BRAD uses his MAP SENSE +10 to find the VIRUS ROOM, which is locked with a KEYPAD. A nearby WALL-MOUNTED PHONE rings, confusing the hell out of everyone in the audience under 20.

RUTH NEGGA

(on phone)

Brad, it's me, I can see you on the security camera. The code is COCKBALLS 262522557.

BRAD PITT

Thanks. Hm, there's no possible way to press these tiny buttons one-by-one AND hold a crowbar, I mean I'm not MADE of hands. Better put the crowbar down.

(enters code)

And it's clearly beyond the limits of human endurance and ingenuity to take the crowbar inside the room with me, better leave it outside.

(does so)

INT. BACK AT THE MONITOR ROOM

A HELICOPTER FLIES PAST in the FOREGROUND in 3D as the SCIENTISTS intently watch the monitors in the cramped monitor room.

DANIELLA KERTESZ

Yay, Brad found the viruses! But oh crap, a zombie is outside the door now! He's trapped!

RUTH NEGGA

He's going to have to inject himself to escape, but he doesn't know which viruses we have cures for. How will he...

PIERFRANCISCO FAVINO

Wait, look! He found a pen and paper, and he's spotted the camera! Now I bet he's going to send us a message like "Ring the phone once for yes, twice for no" and start holding up vials...

PETER CAPALDI

No, he'll tell us to waggle the camera up/down or side/side.

RUTH NEGGA

Or by turning the camera on and off, we can make the red power light flash, and send messages that way! Maybe even do Morse code! Ooh, which one is he gonna pick... he's about to hold up the paper... aw fuck, oh look, "TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM"?!? Seriously?!!??! What kind of lame-ass bullshit is that!!. How touching!

PIERFRANCISCO FAVINO

Way to go, DOUCHEBAG! It's just so noble.

PETER CAPALDI

My GOD what a fucking idiot is this guy!! I'm touched.

RUTH NEGGA

Now I hope he picks the fucking ebola virus. Or at least something that makes him shit himself. Fucking assclown. Truly he is the best of us.

BRAD injects a DEADLY VIRUS into his arm, which successfully fools the ZOMBIE and makes JENNIFER ANISTON wonder if maybe those post-hypnotic suggestions worked after all.

INT. HALLWAY

BRAD PITT

Phew, I've avoided horrible zombie death. Time for a refreshing Pepsi!

(drinks crisp, ice-cold Pepsi)

Pepsi, it's the choice of a NEW civilization. In fact, everyone have some delicious Pepsi!

ZOMBIE HORDE

(rushing past)

ARRRRGH THE ONLY THING WE LOVE MORE THAN BRAINSSS IS PEPSSSSSI

DANIELLA KERTESZ

Good job, Brad. I'd ask how the fuck we get out of here, but we only have twenty seconds left to end the movie. So you chose the right vial and I go home and you get to Nova Scotia where your family is safe but Mireille is fucking Matthew Fox now, remember him? and everything's fine the fight goes on hope survives etcetera etcetera the end.

BRAD PITT

Hooray! Wait, what?

END