FADE IN:

INT. FILM STUDIO

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS is having a lunch meeting with DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK.

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS

So I just finished my book.  It's a 288-page tome about the ways that offensive strategy in football has changed in the last twenty years. It also talks a bit about this guy named Michael Oher who became a pro football player despite having a difficult life.

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

Wait, did you say difficult life?

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS

Yeah, he's a big black guy that was born into poverty but overcame it.

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

DID HE DO IT WITH THE HELP OF WHITE PEOPLE?!

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS

Actually yeah, but the book--

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

SELL ME THE RIGHTS, OSCAR SEASON IS COMING!

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS

Seriously?  How are you going to make a movie about football?

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

Foot-what?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

QUINTON AARON is enrolled in a suburban HIGH SCHOOL.  He doesn't fit in.

QUINTON AARON

I'm so sad.  I have to sleep at the school gym.  I wish I had something to hug.

He is approached by SANDRA BULLOCK as JULIA ROBERTS as LEIGH ANNE TUOHY.

SANDRA BULLOCK

You should come sleep in my gigantic mansion for the night.  Then tomorrow we can make you good at a game that we call "foot ball".

QUINTON AARON

Wasn't Michael Oher already good at football before high school?  Is portraying me as a stereotypical gentle giant the only way white audiences will find me nonthreatening enough to accept me as a protagonist?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Yep.  Along those lines, when I show you your bed, please remember to remark on it being your first bed ever, despite how utterly ridiculous that is.

QUINTON AARON

It's staggering how Hollywood can manage to make an actual true story seem far-fetched.

QUINTON meets SANDRA'S HUSBAND, TIM MCGRAW, and her two kids, LILY COLLINS and JAE HEAD.

JAE HEAD

Pleased to meet you, I'm literally the worst child actor they could find.  Every scene with me is going to test your resolve to not punch me in the face.

LILY COLLINS

This is my only line in the movie despite the fact that the real-life person I'm based on was the only member of this family to make anything approaching an actual sacrifice, dropping out of advanced classes in school to focus on helping you graduate.

TIM MCGRAW

I'm just a walking bottomless wallet for my wife.  I'll just be in the other room if anyone needs money or shitty country music.

SANDRA meets with QUINTON'S TEACHER.

QUINTON'S TEACHER

Quinton scored poorly on math and reading, but he got a 98% on Protective Instincts.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Protective Instincts?  What the fuck kind of tests do we have in this state?  What was his score on Golden Heartedness?  Did he score in the 90th percentile on Overall Cuddliness?

QUINTON'S TEACHER

Given that I'm sharing his confidential student file with someone who doesn't have power of attorney, I'd say it's pretty clear that Tennessee's education system is just full of morons.

SANDRA gets an idea and goes to visit QUINTON on the FOOTBALL FIELD.

COACH FURLEY

Well gawrsh and shucks, I just can't seem to get Quinton to be good at football!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Quinton, you care about your family, right?  Well, pretend the quarterback is your family.

QUINTON AARON

Oh!  Click, whirrrrrr.  Football talent activated.

(kicks ass at football)

SANDRA BULLOCK

See? All he needed was to be told to give a shit!  Football is so easy when you're a high-heel-wearin', sass-talkin' woman!  Yee-haw!

COACH FURLEY

Gee-willy-wockers!

QUINTON FOOTBALLS his way out of FROWNING INCESSANTLY.  Various COACHES approach him about a scholarship.  SANDRA buys him CLOTHES, a TUTOR, and a LUXURY SUV.

QUINTON AARON

Seriously? Is a story about some kid winning the lottery supposed to be uplifting simply because the lottery is played by Miss Congeniality?

SANDRA BULLOCK

I think we should adopt you.  But first we need to visit the ghetto to prove to the audience that adopting you means we're good people.

QUINTON AARON

And vicariously, so are they!

They visit the GHETTO.  People are doing CRACK, shooting GUNS, and listening to RAP MUSIC.

SANDRA BULLOCK

See, this is where you'd be if you hadn't met me.  Doesn't that make you feel great?

QUINTON AARON

Actually it makes me feel like shit.  I'm just one person, and the ghetto is filled with people who weren't lucky enough to be 6'8" and walk by a rich family in the rain.

SANDRA BULLOCK

I guess I didn't think of it that way.  Luckily, neither will the audience!

SANDRA confronts some DRUG DEALERS.

DRUG DEALER

Quinton, stop playin' football and deal drugs with me!  Tell Speed 2 over there to go fuck herself.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Let's get one thing straight, mister!  I may be a rich woman wearing a lot of jewelry and walking around the ghetto, but I'm also a no-nonsense soccer mom, so I'm expecting the cocky, faux-tough bullshit I pull in my suburban neighborhood will work here as well!

DRUG DEALER

Somehow, it does!  Have a nice day, ma'am.

NCAA BUREAUCRAT

Not so fast!  I'm not letting this movie get away with having absolutely no tension or conflict.  I think Sandra adopted you so that you could play football for her alma mater.

QUINTON AARON

(shocked)

Sandra, is this true!?

SANDRA BULLOCK

No.

NCAA BUREAUCRAT

Oh.  Carry on!

Everything ends AWESOMELY!  QUINTON becomes a FAMOUS FOOTBALL PLAYER!  JAE HEAD manages not to get STRANGLED! The LIFETIME network passes on the screenplay and it somehow gets released to ACTUAL THEATERS!

THE ACADEMY

Wow, we've really got to recognize the fantastic writing behind this adapted story about the struggle of a quiet, 300-pound black teenager who overcomes the adversity of an abusive family with the help and encouragement of people who care!

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

Oh thank you so much!

THE ACADEMY

What?  No, we're talking about Precious.  This movie is saccharine-coated shit.  It might be the only Best Picture nominee with a "rotten" rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  We'll give Bullock best actress if it will shut you up, though.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Wow, did I really earn this or did I just wear ya'll down?  Ha ha!

THE ACADEMY

(uncomfortable silence)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh.  It's the second one, isn't it?

END