FADE IN:

INT. TAVERN

RICHARD ARMITAGE is receiving a QUEST from a STRANGER at an INN.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

At what point did Peter Jackson turn into the world’s most unimaginative dungeon master?

IAN MCKELLEN

Say, Richard, why don’t you go get the Arkenstone back from the evil dragon Benedict Cumberbatch and reclaim your throne? That’s right, we’re retconning your entire plan to get your kingdom back into yet another thing you needed me to suggest for you.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Which reduces the number of things from the first movie that any of the dwarves were useful for to “fuck all”. Great. Was this flashback really necessary?

IAN MCKELLEN

This movie is based on the midsection of a three-hundred-page children’s book. This flashback was absolutely necessary if you didn’t want to open with “Shit, a werebear!”

EXT. NEW ZEALAND

MARTIN FREEMAN

Shit, a werebear!

IAN MCKELLEN

That's no werebear, it's a skinchanger! His name is Mikael Persbrandt, a beloved character that has never before been seen onscreen, and someone we are all looking forward to meeting, I'm sure.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Cool! I'm excited.

Everyone piles into MIKAEL'S house.

MIKAEL PERSBRANDT

Hey guys, how can I-

THE DWARVES continue onwards towards the entrance to an EVIL FOREST.

IAN MCKELLEN

Oh fuck! Guys, remember those interminable scenes from the last movie where I talked about a great evil that was threatening to plunge the world into darkness? Well, I just saw a drawing on a tree that tells me it’s actually a MEGA great evil threatening to plunge the world into EXTRA DOUBLE darkness! Gotta go!

(leaves)

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Sweet, he’s gone! No more getting our asses saved! We can actually accomplish something ourselves for once!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Yeah well, our current objective is “walk on a path”. It’s not like they’re trusting us with the grown-up tasks just yet.

INT. EVIL FOREST

MARTIN and the DWARVES are ABSOLUTELY IRRETRIEVABLY LOST.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Oh for crying out loud we did it. We managed to fuck up “walk on a path”. Just how colossally useless are we?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Hey, at least being mindfucked by a trippy hallucination forest is pretty fresh for this series. Good to see we’re no longer desperately rehashing popular moments from The Lord of the-

KEN STOTT

AAAIIIEEE, GIANT SPIDER!!!

Everybody is CAPTURED and COCOONED by a horde of knockoff SHELOBS.

MARTIN FREEMAN

It’s a good thing I burned through my entire character arc in the first movie and am thus already a hyper-competent adventurer!

MARTIN puts on the ONE RING and starts freeing the DWARVES while effortlessly stabbing all the SPIDERS!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Awesome! Now how about I take off my ring for no reason whatsoever.

He DOES, and the battle immediately GOES TO SHIT.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Ah. So when I say “hyper-competent”, I guess I mean “competent when and only when I’m wearing my magic ring of ultimate power”.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

It’s okay, Martin! This gives us dwarves a chance to FINALLY prove ourselves in-

ELVES SHOW UP and DEFEAT ALL THE SPIDERS and CAPTURE ALL THE DWARVES.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Never mind.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Look, look, it’s me! I’m back, and I’m just as underwritten as ever! In fact they could have given my actions and dialogue to any random elf character and nobody would notice the difference!

ORLANDO and EVANGELINE LILLY take the DWARVES back to their ELF FORTRESS and lock them up.

AIDAN TURNER

Oh Evangeline, I don’t know if it’s your overt anti-dwarf racism or the fact that you’ve thrown me and all my friends in prison, but I find myself really drawn to you.

EVANGELINE LILLY

I feel the same way! I bet the audience is really captivated by this out-of-nowhere romantic subplot between Third Dwarf from the Left and some elf lady he met five seconds ago.

AIDAN TURNER

God, they're gonna be pissed when they see the next movie.

RICHARD is taken to see the ELK ELF KING LEE PACE.

LEE PACE

So I’ve decided to just let you go.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Of course you have. Look, I know it’d be profoundly idiotic for me to not take you up on this, but fuck off, we need to start overcoming our own obstacles for a change. Lock me back up so we can break ourselves out.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Actually they didn’t capture me, so you guys wind up just sitting there until I unlock your cells and show you the way out.

(pause)

And of course I once again was only able to get in and do all this thanks to my plot-simplifying invisibility ring.

(pause)

And even with that I would have been fucked if the guards hadn’t decided to leave the keys lying around while they drank themselves into unconsciousness.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Ooh but look, the elves noticed we’re escaping! We can show our skill and bravery in an awesome chase sequence, right?

MARTIN FREEMAN

As it happens, we’re fleeing by riding barrels down a river. For the purposes of this scene, we could effectively be replaced with sacks of potatoes.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

But, but, the elves have cornered us-

MARTIN FREEMAN

Now an orc attack has saved us from the elves.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

But the orcs are catching up to us-

MARTIN FREEMAN

Aaand the elves have saved us from the orcs.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, do we get to do ANYTHING in this entire section of the movie?

MARTIN FREEMAN

The fat dwarf did manage to kill a bunch of orcs. Accidentally. By being fat.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

THAT’LL DO!

EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EVIL FOREST

IAN meets SYLVESTER MCCOY by an abandoned CASTLE.

SYLVESTER MCCOY

So you say you’ve figured out The Necromancer is actually Sauron, and I continue to have my face liberally smeared with birdshit?

IAN MCKELLEN

Yes, he’s hiding out in this castle with his army, magically concealing them all in the hopes that nobody will figure out they’re there. It’s clearly a trap.

SYLVESTER MCCOY

So, you’re saying he doesn’t want you or anybody to know he’s here... and he’s luring you into a trap? Those can’t both be true at the same time.

IAN MCKELLEN

Nonetheless, you go tell everybody about Sauron. I’m going in.

SYLVESTER MCCOY

You’re going in to single-handedly face the most evil being in the world and his entire army of monsters? Why the hell would you do that?

IAN MCKELLEN

Because when a protagonist realizes he’s being trapped, he’s honor-bound by the Cliche Code to walk into it anyway!

IAN walks into the TRAP. It goes PREDICTABLY. IAN is CAPTURED and put out of commission for THE REST OF THE MOVIE.

IAN MCKELLEN

You better still give me top billing, though! It's in my contract!

EXT. RIVER

MARTIN and the DWARVES get out of their BARRELS.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Well, we’re nearly at the Lonely Mountain and we’re running out of chances to show any initiative or skill whatsoever. Quick, let’s get across this lake by our own ingenuity before some deus ex machina just-

LUKE EVANS

Hey there, need a ferry?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

LUKE EVANS

Uh, I mean, fugitives from the elves aren’t welcome in my town, so I WON’T let you ride my ferry. Eh? Gives you a pretty good opportunity to show your ingenuity, right?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

YES! FINALLY!

(ingenious pause)

We’ll pay you money.

LUKE EVANS

...Er, okay, that’s, yeah. Very resourceful.

They take a FERRY RIDE into LAKE-TOWN.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Hey, check it out, in the middle of the town they have one of those special crossbow turrets that are the only way to kill dragons!

LUKE EVANS

Indeed. I am descended from the man who once fired it at Benedict, loosening one of his scales and putting him one arrow away from death.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Real subtle, guys. You might as well have put up a detailed diagram of Benedict’s death scene, with a flashing caption saying “LATER ON, THIS HAPPENS."

They get to LAKE-TOWN, where LUKE tries to keep them hidden. But then they are DISCOVERED, ARRESTED and brought before MAYOR STEPHEN FRY.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Look, just let us go reclaim our kingdom and we’ll give you all a share of the immense treasure we won’t actually get because we have no intention of killing the dragon who guards it.

STEPHEN FRY

As a power-hungry, paranoid ruler, I think it’s great that somebody wants to seize a lot of nearby land and wealth to win the loyalty of my constituents!

He gives them a bunch of SUPPLIES, and they prepare to leave.

AIDAN TURNER

Sadly, I can’t go because I’m wounded.

DEAN O’GORMAN

Well then I’ll stay too, because I’m your brother!

JOHN CALLEN

And I will also stay to offer medical assistance!

ANOTHER DWARF, DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHICH

And I’ll stay because I’m hung over!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Okay, why the hell are we going to such contrived lengths to leave four entire dwarves out of the party?

EXT. LONELY MOUNTAIN

A FELLOWSHIP OF NINE stride in single file across a majestic snow-covered MOUNTAIN, in order to eventually reach the SECRET ENTRANCE to a SUBTERRANEAN KINGDOM.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Hey, what the fuck? The last light of the day was meant to show us the keyhole, but it didn’t! Screw it, we lose. Let’s go.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Wait, seriously? After all that you’re just giving up and leaving?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

What do you want from us? Without some light pointing out the keyhole, what can we do? LOOK for the keyhole? What if we didn’t find it? Us dwarves would have to figure out some way of tunneling through rock! That’s madness!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Look you idiots, it’s just going to be some lame riddle thing! Didn’t you see Fellowship?

Sure enough, it turns out by "last light" they meant MOONLIGHT, oh ho ho how sneaky.

KEN STOTT

Good work, Martin! Now go in and get the Arkenstone from Benedict.

MARTIN FREEMAN

The what from the who now?

KEN STOTT

Oh shit, did we really not once in the entire time we’ve been trekking across the whole country explain to you what you were supposed to do when we got here? Sorry! It’s a big white gem, it’ll grant Richard leadership over his people.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Huh? I don’t get it, is his plan to grab the jewel and then go around showing it to people, saying “Yeah, we still don’t have any of our land or money because of the massive man-eating dragon, but I’ve got this rock so you have to do what I say”?

KEN STOTT

Pretty much! Off you go.

MARTIN heads inside to find literally ENTIRE SQUARE MILES OF TREASURE.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Hm, this could take-

He immediately spots the ARKENSTONE lying MERE FEET away from him. Somehow, he manages to awaken BENDICT CUMBERBATCH in his struggle to get to it.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Whoooo disturbs myyy slummmber?

MARTIN, again, takes off his ring for NO GODDAMN REASON.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Oh. It’s a three-foot unarmed midget I could kill instantly without even trying. I will instead talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Hm, a talky scene between a put-upon everyman and the most egomaniacal prick in the world. What an original character dynamic for us. I’m guessing you’re keeping me alive for now to find out who’s here with me and what we want?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Nope, I already smelled dwarf on you and that obviously means Richard Armitage is here for the Arkenstone.

MARTIN FREEMAN

If you anticipated this possibility, why didn’t you shove the Arkenstone under two tons of treasure where I could never reach it?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I was napping. But I suppose to keep you from taking it, I guess I’ll have to kill you riiiiiggghhhht nnnnoooowwwww...

But then MARTIN gets away by, you guessed it, using his MAGIC RING. Then all the DWARVES show up!

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Okay, this is it! No Ian, no elves, no random guys with ferries, nobody at all swooping in and saving our asses for us! This is at long last our chance to actually ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING AT ALL!

To make up for having NOT DONE ANYTHING THE ENTIRE MOVIE, the DWARVES start doing about FIFTY THINGS AT ONCE.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Pull that lever! Work that bellows! Operate that other thing!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Could we perhaps wire ourselves to Tolkien's grave and harness the energy from his constant rolling over?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

No time for that! Throw fire bombs at Benedict and then pour molten gold all over him!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Do you guys have any ideas for defeating the fire-breathing dragon that DON’T involve killing him with HEAT?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Waah, you guys are mean! For some reason I’m mad at Lake-town all of a sudden! I KILL THEM NOW!

BENEDICT flies off to attack LAKE-TOWN.

MARTIN FREEMAN

All right, I guess now Luke’ll kill Benedict, then the movie will finally be over, and the next one can focus on The Battle of

END.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Wait, what? We’re leaving it there? Are you seriously saying the next movie will OPEN with Benedict’s death scene?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Nah, Jackson’ll probably just make the destruction of Lake-town last half an hour.

KEN STOTT

Or jam some more flashbacks in before it.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Or intercut it with a bunch of other crap nobody cares about.

KEN STOTT

Probably all three.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Oh God, why couldn’t Benedict have just killed me when he had the chance.

END.