It turns out that tai chi is great for quelling those supervillainous urges.

X-MEN: DARK PHOENIX

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGHWAY, 1975

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER is on a drive with her PARENTS.

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER

Are we there yet?

SOPHIE’S MOM

Not yet, honey.

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER

Are we there yet?

SOPHIE’S MOM

I said no. Quiet down.

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER

Sorry, one of the hissing malevolent voices in my head wanted me to ask. Speaking of which, another one of them has a question: are we there yet?

SOPHIE’S MOM

DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS CAR AROUND.

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER

I’ll do what I want!

She uses BRAIN MAGIC to make her mother TURN THE CAR AROUND into UNCOMING TRAFFIC. The car gets SMASHED and FLIPPED and the PARENTS get KILLED.

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER

Whoopsie! Well, I’d say that was easily the second best prologue to a superhero movie, in which we flash back to the global threat as a child getting their family into a car accident, of 2019!

(pause)

Look, this movie is gonna take whatever plaudits it can get.

(passes out)

She wakes up in a HOSPITAL, where JAMES MCAVOY comes to see her.

JAMES MCAVOY

Hi, Sophie. Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes, the scene where we meet happened completely differently in The Last Stand. But remember Days of Future past changed the timeline, so we can do whatever the fuck we want.

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER

Yeah, Days of Future Past ALSO claimed that in the original timeline, Magneto went off to be a terrorist in 1962 then got thrown in prison for life for assassinating the President. So how does it make any sense that he was hanging out with you helping to recruit students in 1975?

JAMES MCAVOY

Look, that’s not this movie’s fault. We’re trying our best here.

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER

I see no evidence of that. Anyway, I don’t know about coming to your school for freaks. I think you just want to fix me.

JAMES MCAVOY

Fix you? Never! You don’t need to be fixed, you’re fine!

YOUNG SOPHIE TURNER

(brightening)

So the hostile whispers in my head that tell me to disintegrate people, that’s okay?

JAMES MCAVOY

...How about I go ahead and fix that for you.

INT. X-MANSION, 1992

Years later, JAMES and NICHOLAS HOULT are at MCAVOY’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS, a PRESTIGIOUS ACADEMIC INSTITUTION which puts the word “YOUNGSTERS” in its name.

JAMES MCAVOY

Okay, when Days of Future Past opened I was suddenly a de-powered basket case with a hobo beard, and when Apocalypse came around Michael Fassbender suddenly was a peaceful family man with no plans for world domination. So what massive disorienting change are they throwing at us at the beginning of THIS movie?

Suddenly the special X-MEN HOTLINE to the WHITE HOUSE rings!

THE PRESIDENT

Help us, James McAvoy! America needs the world-famous heroes the X-Men to save the day once more!

JAMES MCAVOY

Ha ha ha, we’re beloved celebrity heroes that the president has on speed dial now, why the fuck not! Remember how our team leader once held Richard Nixon at gunpoint? This is so fucking stupid, I love it.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Can I just draw attention to the fact that my character is now supposed to be about fifty-five years old? I still look like I’m barely old enough to shave.

They send JENNIFER LAWRENCE, SOPHIE TURNER, TYE SHERIDAN, EVAN PETERS, ALEXANDRA SHIPP and KODI SMIT-MCPHEE on a MISSION to SPACE.

EXT. SPACE

The X-MEN approach a SPACE SHUTTLE which has been partially eaten by a big blob of SPACE ENERGY.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Okay listen up people, this mission conveniently requires every one of our individual superpowers to be used once each, maybe twice if you’re lucky! Tye, you zap the shuttle for some contrived reason, using the convoluted Cyclops-shooty module we built into this spaceship rather than just giving it a laser or something. Kodi can teleport himself and Evan onto the shuttle so Evan can speed-grab the astronauts and then you can teleport back. Sophie does some damn thing with telekinesis and we even have Alexandra use her weather powers in fucking space.

SOPHIE TURNER

What about you? What kind of shapeshifting are you gonna be doing in this scene?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

What, you expect me to shapeshift in this movie? Fuck that, I am so fucking done with this franchise swear to God. You’re lucky I even bothered to show up at all.

SOPHIE TURNER

I guess that explains why your scales now look like somebody scribbled them on in five minutes with a crayon.

They grab all the ASTRONAUTS except then it turns out WHOOPS THEY MISSED ONE.

EVAN PETERS

And shit, now the shuttle is breaking apart! I better use my speed to get Kodi into a spacesuit, then he can teleport Sophie over to the shuttle to save that guy!

SOPHIE TURNER

Wait, why the fuck am I not being put in a spacesu-

(teleported)

They go and save that LAST GUY but then the ENERGY BLOB jumps down SOPHIE’S THROAT. Everybody hurriedly returns to EARTH.

INT. X-MANSION

A pissed-off JENNIFER goes to have it out with JAMES.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

That was too close, James! You risked all our lives sending us on that mission, just like every mission we’ve been on from the Cuban Missile Crisis onwards, except now I’m pissy about it all of a sudden! How can you justify making your people put themselves in danger?

JAMES MCAVOY

It makes the world trust mutants and therefore we all get to live in peaceful coexistence instead of being hunted down and exterminated. There, argument over. I literally point this out in the movie, and therefore I unambiguously win and you have to shut up.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Nuh-uh, the screenwriters seem to think that I’m totally in the right in this scene. Even the part where I accuse you of “risking our own to save them”, which is straight-up Magneto talk.

She storms off and goes to talk to NICHOLAS.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hey, wanna say ‘fuck this’ and hit the road? After all, these movies had us tenuously make goo-goo eyes at each other like thirty years ago, which apparently means that we’re in love now.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Look I’d like to ditch this franchise as much as you would, but we don’t all have Hunger Games money to fall back on.

EXT. FANCY PARTY

Meanwhile, JESSICA CHASTAIN is hosting some PARTY.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Wait, what the fuck am I doing here? Jennifer at least had a contractual obligation, I’m actually JOINING the series at this point? Fuck it, I’m gonna find a way to put in even less effort than Jennifer.

(gets killed and replaced by a shapeshifting alien who never emotes)

There that’s better.

All of her GUESTS also get REPLACED by ALIEN CLONES.

ALIEN CLONE

Alien shapeshifters mimicking humans in a Marvel movie, really? After we were beaten to the punch by a billion-dollar-grossing MCU extravaganza just a couple of months ago, shouldn’t they have just had us already look human when we landed?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

But we need to establish our shapeshifting skills for later in the movie where we never shapeshift again not even at times when it would be useful.

ALIEN CLONE

Fuck me, what is it with this movie and shapeshifters who don’t shapeshift?

EXT. X-MANSION

The X-MEN are celebrating their SPACE VICTORY, but SOPHIE isn’t feeling well.

TYE SHERIDAN

What’s the matter, honey? That’s right, in between movies we’ve gone from pals in high school to adults in a serious long-term relationship, even if we still absolutely seem like pals in high school.

SOPHIE TURNER

Ulp, that giant blob of cosmic radiation I ate isn’t sitting right... uurrrgh, maybe they should have kept me in observation for more than half an hour after I absorbed an entire Fantastic Four-style space cloud BLRRRFFFF

She pukes a blast of ENERGY that knocks everybody off their feet.

JAMES MCAVOY

Oh no! It looks like the space energy has unlocked your super-burny-murder-kinesis powers that I locked off inside your brain when you were a kid!

SOPHIE TURNER

You mean the ones I easily accessed to disintegrate Oscar Isaac last movie?

JAMES MCAVOY

Yes, those. I’m sorry, Sophie, I should never have taken away your horrible, uncontrollable inner voices which caused you to unwillingly murder your loved ones!

SOPHIE TURNER

...Yyyes you should? That honestly doesn’t sound like all that bad a thing to have done.

JAMES MCAVOY

Oh. Well then I’m sorry Sophie I should never have, uhhh - oh, told you your dad died in the car crash when he’s actually still alive! There, that’s jerkier.

SOPHIE TURNER

Wait, what? That makes no sense. Did I really not ask to go to the funeral? Or to talk to any other member of my family ever again?

JAMES MCAVOY

Apparently not. But hey, since when has “the students ever get to see or contact their loved ones again” ever been a priority for this school? ...Probably best not to think too much about that.

SOPHIE storms off to confront her DEADBEAT NOT-DEAD DAD.

INT. SOPHIE’S DAD’S HOUSE

SOPHIE finds her dad SCOTT SHEPHERD - wait a minute. The YOUNG SOPHIE actress at the beginning of the movie was called SUMMER FONTANA. Which means that SCOTT SUMMERS’S love interest and her dad were played by a SCOTT and a SUMMER... that’s weird. Anyway, she finds him at her OLD HOUSE.

SOPHIE TURNER

How could you do it, Dad? How could you abandon your eight-year-old, mother-murdering, terrifyingly non-human daughter?

SCOTT SHEPHERD

Hey, I’m a father in a Marvel property. My options were Jerk, Dead, or Jerk Who Is Also Dead. I stand by my decision.

SOPHIE starts freaking out and shooting TELEKINESIS all over the place. The X-MEN arrive on the scene.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

All right, here we are to try and stop-

ORDINARY POLICE OFFICERS

(speeding up in car)

It’s okay, citizens! You can step down, us regular human cops are here to neutralize the world-famous superpowerful mutant Sophie Turner!

(deaded)

NICHOLAS HOULT

Well that was dumb. I better shoot Sophie with a tranquilizer dart before she can murder anybody else. Although she could just disintegrate my gun, or the dart right out of the air, so this may be hopeless...

EVAN PETERS

Don’t sweat it, I’ll just run up and stick the dart in her before her eyes have even had time to perceive the fact that I’ve moved. But first I should spent a quick one millionth of a second evacuating everybody in a five-mile radius of-

EXASPERATED SCREENWRITER

OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING GUY.

(types)

“AND THEN QUICKSILVER TRIPPED AND BROKE HIS GODDAMN LEG SO THAT HE WAS UNABLE TO USE HIS POWERS FOR THE REST OF THE FUCKING MOVIE SO THERE.”

EVAN PETERS

AAAAARRRGGGHHH FUCK YOU VERY MUCH ASSHOLE

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

All right, since force is useless I guess we can try reasoning with her, in pretty much the exact same murderer-soothing scene as James gave me in Days of Future Past. Hey Sophie, stop disintegrating the neighborhood pretty please?

SOPHIE TURNER

Oh all right. Since you asked nicely I won’t kill anybody and we can all live happily ever after to continue making contractually-obligated appearances in this franchise.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Uhhhhmmmm - WAIT SOPHIE NO, DON’T TELEKINETICALLY THROW ME ONTO THAT BIG IMPALING STICK!

(flails onto pointy wood)

Ulp I am dead now, forever and forever, so sad bye then.

(dies)

SOPHIE flees.

NICHOLAS HOULT

JENNIFER NOOO!! THIS IS ALL JAMES’S FAULT SOMEHOW! On a side note, why is impalement through the chest on a piece of wood the go-to method of permanently offing characters in this franchise? Are mutants vampires?

EXT. ISLAND

SOPHIE goes to a WILD MUTANT PRESERVE to see MICHAEL FASSBENDER.

SOPHIE TURNER

Hello, Michael.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hello... have we met?

SOPHIE TURNER

Hey, we spent one wordless shot rebuilding the X-Mansion last movie, remember? There is, just barely, history between us. Anyway, I just did some dicey shit that I’d rather not go into right now. Can I stay here on your mutant-only sanctum that the government let you have?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Wait a fucking moment, they did what now? Are we saying I’ve been allowed to go off and just do my own thing?! What about me trying to bomb the navy during the Cuban Missile Crisis? Or assassinating JFK, which they believe I’m guilty of? Or holding the entire White House hostage? OR LEVELLING CITIES AND MURDERING MILLIONS AROUND THE WORLD JUST LAST MOVIE?!

SOPHIE TURNER

Water under the bridge, I guess. So can I stay? I promise I’ll try my best to never flip out and murder everybody.

But then ATTACK HELICOPTERS show up and try to CAPTURE HER!

SOPHIE TURNER

Whuh-oh! I guess I better just fly away then.

(pause)

Or, hey, what if I murdered these guys? Just for shits and giggles? Lord knows it would accomplish nothing and have only bad consequences for me.

She tries to KILL the HELICOPTER GUYS with their own HELICOPTER BLADES, but MICHAEL holds her back with MAGNETISM. She FLEES. AGAIN.

INT. BAR

SOPHIE, who we are sticking with because she’s the only character around whom any PLOT is happening, is hiding out in a BAR when JESSICA shows up.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Hey there Sophie we just came from your dad’s place where we moved him into the “Jerk Who Is Also Dead” category for you.

SOPHIE TURNER

How did interrogating my father help you find me? Did he somehow know I’d have walked into this random bar?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

I dunno but listen me and my friends are aliens can we please have the energy cloud you swallowed.

SOPHIE TURNER

ALIENS?! Holy shit!! I’m encountering intelligent life from another planet! This is one of the most momentous occasions in Earth history, it completely alters our understanding of-

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Look we don’t have time for any of that so you’d probably better just fail to react to my revelation in any way.

SOPHIE TURNER

Oh, okay. Space aliens, you say? Very well. Continue.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

That energy cloud has been running around destroying planets including ours so we followed it here.

SOPHIE TURNER

Huh? What possible good did you think that would do? Like, if a tornado tore up my house, I wouldn’t chase the tornado. That would be stupid.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Maybe but then it turned out it was coming here all along to be in you for some reason so now I want it to be in me instead.

SOPHIE TURNER

Ooookay... do you have the same phenomenal reality-warping powers which allowed me to absorb all that energy without dying?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Not even slightly but I’m sure that’ll all work itself out somehow.

EXT. ISLAND

NICHOLAS goes to see MICHAEL.

NICHOLAS HOULT

So I have this murder that I need committed, and I thought to myself, you know who’s good at murdering? Michael! So come murder Sophie for me thanks, my lameass powers are useless against her.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Sorry Nick, I’m having one of my no-murder phases.

NICHOLAS HOULT

What if I told you she killed Jennifer?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

WHAT? Okay then!

(shoves helmet on)

There we go, I’m evil again. Come, my minions!

OTHER MUTANTS

Huh? Hold up, aren’t we meant to just be random mutants who want to live in peace away from human society? You can’t just order us to go kill someone we don’t know to avenge someone we never met, there’s no reason for us to-

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I SAID COME!

OTHER MUTANTS

SIR YES SIR!!

EXT. STREET

MICHAEL, NICHOLAS and the OTHER RANDOM MUTANTS show up to murder SOPHIE. But at the same time, JAMES, TYE, KODI and ALEXANDRA show up to HELP HER.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

FIGHT TIME! Everybody vaguely pair off into individual one-on-one confrontations!

JAMES MCAVOY

All right, since you brought a psychic with you she and I will have a super uncinematic brain fight where we pretty much just stare at each other!

ALEXANDRA SHIPP

Meanwhile I will use my ability to control the elements, fly, and shoot lightning to fight... a guy who can wiggle his hair? Seriously?

There ensues a BIG CHAOTIC BATTLE over WHO GETS TO CROSS THE STREET FIRST. MICHAEL wins!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Now I have you, Sophie! Now can commence an epic battle to the death between two of the most powerful villains in all of Marvel lore-

(knocked out in ten seconds)

JAMES MCAVOY

Cool, my turn! Sophie, look into my brain and see that we care about you.

SOPHIE TURNER

I know. That’s the exact tactic Jennifer used, right before I killed her ass and ran away.

JAMES MCAVOY

Yeah but what if this time it... worked?

SOPHIE TURNER

(pause)

Sure, why not. Hey everybody, I’m a good guy again! Those cops I murdered in cold blood no longer count!

Then COPS SHOW UP and ARREST EVERYBODY and haul them off to a PRISON TRAIN.

INT. TRAIN

All the MUTANTS are being held in ANTI-MUTANT-POWER RESTRAINTS by SOME ASSHOLE.

SOME ASSHOLE

Grrr, I thought you were supposed to be heroes! But there you were, fighting in the street, so clearly you are nothing but criminal terrorist SCUM!!

JAMES MCAVOY

Um, my guys were fighting against Michael Fassbender, the biggest mass murderer in the history of the world. Have you considered the possibility we had good reason for doing so?

SOME ASSHOLE

NOPE.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Well this sucks. But I must admit, I am kinda impressed they already had a prison train waiting by that was outfitted with a special little restraint just for my tail. That’s very forward thinking of you guys, not to mention adorable!

Suddenly, the ALIENS attack the train!

SOME ASSHOLE

Oh shit! I better unlock you guys and let you have your powers back.

(unlocks Michael)

There, you can now use your unlimited control of metal to fight the aliens which have boarded this huge metal container!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

You mean by picking up some guns with my mind and firing them at the aliens, then continuing to do that even after it proves extremely ineffective? Great idea!

SOME ASSHOLE

What? No, I meant that since they are COMPLETELY SURROUNDED BY MANY TONS OF METAL, that you could-

(killed by aliens)

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

(gasps in horror)

No! NOOO!! Not SOME ASSHOLE! How DARE they kill that nameless dude we met five minutes ago, who only stopped being a jerk to us because he needed us to save his life! I WILL AVENGE YOU, SOME ASSHOLE!!!

KODI goes into a TOTAL MURDER FRENZY, brutally killing SEVERAL ALIENS in QUICK SUCCESSION. Finally he grabs one of them and teleport-dumps her in front of the TRAIN to be SQUISHED.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Oh hey, that train-squishing was, like, a reeeaaally easy way of killing these guys. Maybe I should just do that ten times in a row and win with zero effort.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hang on a second - do you think Some Asshole meant that I should do this?

(crumples train carriage, instantly killing remaining aliens)

Yeah, that makes more sense.

ALEXANDRA SHIPP

This was not a very difficult climactic fight.

But then JESSICA shows up, grabs SOPHIE and FLIES OFF.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Now I will eat your powers and then take over the world and oh yeah did I mention I’m evil mwa ha ha.

SOPHIE TURNER

Wait. This was your plan? Get my disintegration powers and then use it to, what, kill all humans and start over with just your dozen or so alien buddies?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

More or less yeah.

SOPHIE TURNER

And it’s still your plan even though now you’re, like the last one left? You want to raze the planet and live alone on whatever’s left afterwards.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Something like that.

SOPHIE TURNER

For fuck’s sake, why did we even bother holding that symposium.

JESSICA starts trying to yank the PHOENIX FORCE out of SOPHIE, but the power is TOO MUCH FOR HER and she starts to OVERLOAD.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Holy crap are we really so completely out of ideas that we’re stealing the climactic showdown from Ang Lee’s Hulk.

(explodes)

JESSICA and SOPHIE erupt into a giant FIREBALL IN THE SKY and are both now DEAD.

SOPHIE TURNER

OR AM I??? Yeah, you don’t kill off Jean Grey that easily! Or at all, really! Yeah, a phoenix shape appears in the sky right before the closing credits, so I’m fine and will presumably show up in a BUNCH more movies! NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!

The movie is hated by EVERYBODY and completely TANKS and the franchise is bought up by DISNEY and CANNED FOREVER.

SOPHIE TURNER

Aw FUCK. This beloved series has now ended on an incredibly disappointing note which was badly written, didn’t do the characters any justice, and overall left a bad taste in everybody’s mouths. Why does this keep happening to me?

END.

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