FADE IN:

INT. CYBERTRON

FUCKING HUGE FUCKING ROBOTS are murdering THE FUCKING SHIT out of each other but the GOOD MURDERBOTS are LOSING.

PETER CULLENBOT

Oh no! Where is our gimpiest solider Dylan O'Brienbot! We can’t win this fight without him!

DYLAN O'BRIENBOT

(transforms from car form)

(decapitates Decepticon)

(uses severed head as a soccer ball to hit another evilbot)

PETER CULLENBOT

Holy shit, if you could do that like 5,000 more times we might actually win this war!

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Sorry, every fight after this I will get my metal ass unceremoniously stomped into jelly.

PETER CULLENBOT

Hey, how come the editor isn’t cutting to a new shot every 0.06 seconds and the audience can easily follow what’s happening? Did Michael Bay finally kick his cocaine habit?

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

No Bay’s been replaced with the guy who did Kubo.

PETER CULLENBOT

Hallefuckinlujah this might actually be a not shitty Transformers movie! Autobots fall back! Dylan, I’m sending you to set up a base on a hidden planet known as Earth.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Wait we’ve never been there? But didn’t I just transform into a car and aren’t half the Decepticons flying around as fighter jets?

PETER CULLENBOT

That’s what we get for posting all our advanced vehicle designs on Reddit. Now vamoos.

INT. A FOREST ON EARTH - 1987

The military is having a training exercise headed by JOHN CENA who is a PRICK, but he cares about his soldiers so on the PRICK SCALE he’s somewhere between SHIA LABEOUF and an alternate reality where SHIA LABEOUF isn’t a RAGING PRICK.

JOHN CENA

Shit! My entire unit just got accidently fragged by Dylan O’Brienbot landing on earth! Quickly everyone, hunt him down with our giant jeep mounted harpoon guns! Wait why do we have these? The history books must have left out all the 15 foot tall Russians we fought in the cold war.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

(harpooned!)

Argh! You damaged my computer core! Now I can’t save you from evil Decepticon Blitzwing on sale for $43.99 wherever toys are sold!

BLITZWING

(frags John Cena and his team!)

Let us fight Dylan! Wait I’m like 3 times taller than you, I’m guessing you get no matches on Robo-Tinder. Now tell me where your friends are!

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

I’ll never talk!

BLITZWING

Then let’s make it official so it lines up with the canon!

(rips out Dylan’s voice box!)

Wait how exactly am I supposed to get information out of you now? I didn’t think this through.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Ha! I stuck a missile in your chest and then blew you up! Oh right, even though I lost my voice I will continue to speak in this script because fuck you it’s funnier.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT has suffered too much ass kicking and his systems begin to shut down!

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

No! Gotta transform into a car before I bluescreen!

(sees RV)

No fuck that!

(sees station wagon)

Goddamnit no way I have standards!

(sees VW Beetle)

Fuuuuck!!! At least it’s not a Pinto.

(shuts down)

INT. CALIFORNIA - 1987

We are introduced to our protagonist HAILEE STEINFELD. She wears a sleeveless jean vest so you KNOW she’s cool.

HAILEE STEINFELD

We’re almost 15 minutes in already? Damnit, I’d better get the audience to like me pronto.

(is a total bitch to her widowed mom Pamela Aldon)

In my defense I’m still mourning the loss of my father who taught me how to fix cars. Speaking of which hey mom I want a car.

PAMELA ADLON

And I want to be known for something other than Bobby Hill so I guess we’re both going to be crying in our pillows tonight.

INT. JUNKYARD

HAILEE STEINFELD

Hey I want a car. Give one to me.

OLD JUNKYARD OWNER

You damned 80s-lennials are all alike! Entitled, lazy, obsessed with the telephone and demanding instant gratification! Yours is truly the worst generation!

HAILEE STEINFELD

See that ugly old beat up VW Beetle? If I fix it can I have it? It’s my birthday! That means I’m past the edge of 17!

OLD JUNKYARD OWNER

Oh alright. But if that thing turns out to be some kind of alien murder robot I’m not responsible.

HAILEE fixes the VW Beetle and drives away in it without insurance or a title because this is the Reagan era so fuck regulations!

HAILEE parks her YELLOW HERBIE in her home garage.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Hmm, in all those hours of working on this car only now have I noticed all the weird advanced tech and the transmission that looks like a face.

The VW Beetle transforms into amnesic DYLAN O’BRIENBOT!

HAILEE STEINFELD

HOLY SHIT IT’S A MURDERBOT though I’m oddly chill about it.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

(is blinded by a kite)

(stumbles around)

(slips on a banana peel)

(pratfalls)

HAILEE STEINFELD

Oh, I see, you’re a klutzy murderbot. That’s adorable. I won’t hurt you. I will name you Bumblebee. And you’re all alone so your last name will be Solo. So what are you?

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

I am a Transformer. My pronouns are he/him. My adjectives are badass motherfucker.

HAILEE STEINFELD

That makes us besties!

But little does HAILEE know she has accidently activated DYLAN O’BRIENBOT’s homing beacon which Decepticons can track!

EXT. REDNECKVILLE

Decepticons ANGELA BASSETTBOT and JUSTIN THEROUXBOT arrive and display their evilness by killing a REDNECK.

ANGELA BASSETTBOT

He tried to cheat on his wife. His death was totally justified.

JUSTIN THEROUXBOT

Yup. And for the sake of equality if the wife had been the cheater we so totally would have killed her instead HAHAHAHHAHA yeah right.

JOHN CENA faces them down with, like, a school bus full of soldiers and a small carbine.

JOHN CENA

We would have brought our super-soakers but we thought that would be overkill.

ANGELA BASSETTBOT

Calm down tiny hu-mons. We wish to parlay. We are hunting a dangerous fugitive named Dylan O’Brienbot. You can trust us.

JOHN CENA

You’re called “Decepticons”, you’re clearly evil. It would be like if communists called themselves Poverty McFreedomhaters. We’d have to be total fucking morons to trust you!

GENERAL FUCKING MORON

I trust them. Give them access to our satellites! And our nuclear launch codes! And aaaaall our personal banking accounts! What could go wrong?

JOHN CENA

(frowns)

Meanwhile...

EXT. CALIFORNIA

HAILEE bonds with DYLAN O’BRIENBOT.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

So why are you such a mega cunt to your mom?

HAILEE STEINFELD

My dad’s dead body was still cooling off when my mom decided to get a new boyfriend who implied I should smile more.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Want me to kill him? Asking a woman to smile is worth at least a broken hand and a stolen motorcycle.

HAILEE STEINFELD

(thinks about it)

No. He actually comes through in the end so it’s not exactly Gillette-level bad.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

You can’t spend the whole movie talking to a walking toy advert so let’s get you a soy-infused love interest!

HAILEE STEINFELD

A whuzzah?

Her neighbor JORGE LENDEBORG JR walks in and discovers her SENTIENT KILLBOT.

JORGE LENDEBORG JR.

(shits self)

HAILEE STEINFELD

Jesus you weren’t kidding about the soy. How am I supposed to be attracted to this?

JORGE LENDEBORG JR.

(takes shirt off)

(shows off exactly three chest hairs)

HAILEE STEINFELD

My vagina just entombed itself.

EXT. CLIFF PARTY

HAILEE and JORGE’s classmates are having a party on WILE E COYOTE BLUFF. The FUCKBOY that HAILEE is actually attracted to is in attendance. And he’s SHIRTLESS.

HAILEE STEINFELD

(sploosh!)

FUCKBOY HAILEE LIKES

Hey jean vest girl, I hear your backstory involves being a championship high diver. I dare you to jump off this cliff with me.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Do it Hailee! You’ve got the touch! You’ve got the pow-wah! Ya-eah!

Everybody cheers HAILEE on and in a moment of steely determination she... chickens right the fuck out like a chicken and is totally and utterly humiliated for life.

HAILEE STEINFELD

So THIS is what it means to not be a Mary Sue? Is it too late to have me be perfect at everything and loved by everyone? No? Shit. How could this get any worse?

HAILEE is approached by the school’s QUEEN BITCH who gloats, bitchily.

QUEEN BITCH

Your car is almost as ugly as your nose job. You should get your dad to buy you a new one. Oh wait he’s dead. Holy shit I actually say this in the movie.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

PLEASE HAILEE let me kill her, PLEASE. I’ll make it look like an accident.

HAILEE STEINFELD

She’s not a dude so no. But you can totally destroy her BMW.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Yes, that’s a far worse punishment than pinching her head between my fingers.

After some wacky shenanigans JOHN CENA eventually finds out where DYLAN O’BRIENBOT is and captures him with help from the Decepticons!

HAILEE STEINFELD

(takes explosion to the face)

(survives!)

Nooo! Dylan’s my friend!

JOHN CENA

Your friend jacked up my face! Do you SEE this scar makeup I’m wearing? As if I didn’t look enough like Frankenstein!

HAILEE STEINFELD

Okay you got me there.

INT. MILITARY BASE - ENHANCED INTERROGATION ROOM

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT hangs from the ceiling by a chain LETHAL WEAPON style as ANGELA BASSETTBOT and JUSTIN THEROUXBOT beat him up.

ANGELA BASSETTBOT

Tell us where Optimus Prime is!

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Never!

(his holo projector accidently tells them)

Shit! How do I stop that thing from launching at plot-convenient times?!

JUSTIN THEROUXBOT

Great now I can kill you!

(shoots Dylan right in the goddamn face)

Yup, I’m sure that did it. Not going to rip his head off or tear his spark out. Nope! One face blast should be enough!

ANGELA BASSETTBOT

I agree. Let’s go someplace else to signal all the evil-bots here because plot!

HAILEE witnessed the whole thing and uses 14 stun guns to bring DYLAN O’BRIENBOT back to life!

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Hey! That also restored my damaged memory core somehow!

JOHN CENA

That’ll be the first thing I smash!

JOHN and his army of US SOLDIERS WHO ARE JUST DOING THEIR JOBS GOONS arrive and EXPLODE EVERYTHING!

HAILEE STEINFELD

(takes explosion to the face)

(survives!)

JOHN’s men harpoon DYLAN O’BRIENBOT and try to kill him! DYLAN O’BRIENBOT does nothing to defend himself!

JOHN CENA

(throws Hailee on the ground)

Somehow that was way more damaging to her than the explosions to the face.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Oh you done fucked up now son. INSTANT KILL MODE ENGAGED!!!!

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT starts murdering the EVERFUCKINGSHIT out of all the SOLDIERS!

JOHN CENA

THE HARPOONS DO NOTHING!!! NOOOOTHIIIINGGGGG

(is catapulted into the sky)

HAILEE STEINFELD

Whoa calm down Dylan O’Brienbot, we’re still the heroes here. Let’s maybe not kill so many innocent soldiers.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

You’re no fun.

EXT. HARBOR

ANGELA BASSETTBOT and JUSTIN THEROUXBOT need to hack a radio tower to send a signal to all the Decepticons but DYLAN O’BRIENBOT stops them by smashing his face against their fists!

HAILEE hides inside a dumpster!

HAILEE STEINFELD

(dumpster is hit with a massive explosion!)

(survives!)

JUSTIN THEROUXBOT

(is decapiexploded!)

JOHN CENA shows up in an attack helicopter but is shot down by ANGELA BASSETTBOT. DYLAN O’BRIENBOT saves JOHN from a fiery death.

JOHN CENA

Oh alright I don’t have a kill-boner for you anymore.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Wait so you forgive me for maiming your soldiers and giving them 3rd degree burns and lifelong PTSD?

JOHN CENA

Let’s just pretend they were all trying to cheat on their wives.

Meanwhile HAILEE climbs up the radio tower to shut it off manually instead of just letting DYLAN blow it up with his arm cannon for some reason.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT lures ANGELA BASSETTBOT into a drydock pit.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Hmm, I’ve never gotten my ass kicked in one of these before.

ANGELA BASSETTBOT

Well now you have! You are beaten! And after I kill you I’ll go kill your little girlfriend Hailee!

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Oh you done fucked up now son. I’ll just blow up the drydock’s dam, drowning us in water and killing us both!

ANGELA BASSETTBOT

How? We’re alien space robots. Water shouldn’t mean shit to us.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Oh right, better crush your face with this cargo boat then.

ANGELA BASSETTBOT

A whuzzah?

(is killed!)

But oh no! DYLAN O’BRIENBOT is submerged in salt water which is killing his Kelly Blue Book value! HAILEE uses her diving skills to jump in and... save him?

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Oh hey Hailee, I’m just taking a quick rest. Wait don’t you humans need oxygen to breathe?

HAILEE STEINFELD

(drowning)

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

So you were going to save me but now I have to save you? This is some bullshit.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Now that I’m safe you need to leave me and be a Camaro for 20 years so that this lines up with the first Transformers movie. Oh and don’t mention me or come looking for me, ever. Just forget I ever existed.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

You’re terrible at breakups. So how did we do critically?

HAILEE STEINFELD

(checks Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic)

Holy shit we are the most positively reviewed Transformers film! And it has a female screenwriter and a fairly likeable lead who’s also a female woman! Surely this means we'll win the adoration of the inclusion crowd who will pay to see our movie in droves!

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT

Nope we under performed big time. Woke Twitter doesn't care about the quality of entertainment only its forced social pandering, which is why in the next movie Optimus and I are going to fuck!

END