FADE IN:

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC CHICAGO

We open where the LAST MOVIE left off, with scores of citizens moving to leave the city and-

NAOMI WATTS

PSYCHE! I'm closing the city gates! We're undoing the happy ending in the first minute!

THEO JAMES

But Mom! Why would you do something so horrible?

NAOMI WATTS

...because I don't want these dipshits wandering out into an almost certainly radioactive wasteland?

THEO JAMES

You're a monster! You're just as bad as our last dictator!

NAOMI WATTS

Okay, one safety measure does not equal decades of segregation and murder. A TEMPORARY safety measure, might I add. Really, the only dickish thing I've done so far is waiting until the roaming citizens were right at the edge of the city before slamming the gate in their faces.

INT. THE RAVE SCENE FROM MATRIX RELOADED

TRIALS begin for the villains and henchmen of the last movie, presided over by the honorable DANIEL DAE KIM.

DANIEL DAE KIM

Alright, ladies and gents, I want a fair and sober kangaroo court here. Only moderate amounts of jeering, lynching, and jury tampering. Mekhi Phifer, how do you plead?

MEKHI PHIFER

Not wanting to be anywhere near this franchise anymore.

DANIEL DAE JIM

Your wish is my command.

(makes with the shooting)

NAOMI WATTS

(drunk with newfound power)

I am so conflicted about this. But on the other hand.

She snorts a line of PURE POWER of her OTHER HAND.

OCTAVIA SPENCER

Well, as former leader of the "Amity" faction, me and my tasteful post-apocalyptic knitwear are happy to go along with public executions in front of jeering crowds.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

This is barbaric! These aren't trials, these are lynch mobs!

OCTAVIA SPENCER

Shailene! I'm glad you're here, that reminds me. Aren't you going to take your place as one of the city's new leaders? Everyone would like to see you in charge.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

No, no. I...I just can't.

OCTAVIA SPENCER

Why the hell not? You want these trials taken down a notch. You and Theo also want an expedition to the outside world. This is a perfect way to do both.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

But I can't! Violent revolution is one thing, but city bureaucracy? Noooooo thank you. You know how many Illinois legislators wind up in prison? Roughly ALL OF THEM.

ANSEL ELGORT

Help me Shailene! For some reason they've given me a cell looking out into the courtroom where I can yell and scream for your help as much as I want!

OCTAVIA SPENCER

Okay what about your brother Ansel? Becoming a leader might give you the leverage to save his life.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

(beat)

Nah. I'm just going to run away again. That's a much better way of solving my problems than attaining any kind of responsibility.

SHAILENE and THEO make the clearly a lot less risky move of smuggling ANSEL out of jail past TRIGGER-HAPPY GUARDS.

GUARD

Hey. You can't take that Pokemon-sounding motherfucker out there. He's a prisoner!

THEO JAMES

Him? This guy right here?

ANSEL ELGORT

Words hurt, guys. Seriously-

(gets "shot")

GUARD

Nicely done, random person. You sure showed that prisoner how we get shit done in Chi-town.

THEO JAMES

No problem!

The guards LEAVE their GUARD POST for some reason. ANSEL pops back out wearing a BAD MUSTACHE.

THEO JAMES

And now we escape the city!

ZOE KRAVITZ

Don't forget to bring me!

MILES TELLER

And me!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Miles, why the fuck would we bring you along? You've betrayed us a hundred times.

MILES TELLER

Make that three hundred and one. Because I'm threatening to alert the authorities and get you killed.

THEO JAMES

Yes, but we're running from the law. What's to stop us from shooting you in the head the moment we get outside the city gates?

MILES TELLER

You can't kill me! I'm the only character with any witty lines, or any kind of interesting personality at all. I'm the best character by default.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Fine. Come along.

MAGGIE Q

And me as well!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Yes, I nearly forgot my old tattoo artist. Maybe I should also bring my manicurist and OBGYN?

The SIX lie and trick their way to the CITY WALL but...

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Dammit! Naomi Watts has had the entire city wall electrified!

MAGGIE Q

WHAT? The entire thing? How long has she been in power? A few days? Just maybe a week?

ZOE KRAVITZ

We have a surprisingly efficient infrastructure for a city that lives in bombed-out skyscrapers.

ANSEL ELGORT

And has been through a violent revolution, don't forget that.

MILES TELLER

I can't even get decent internet in Pre-Apocalyptic Chicago, swear to god...

MAGGIE Q

How can we possibly escape n- oh wait, there's a generator right over there and it's not guarded or shielded in any way.

The HEROES escape using the WIRE-SHOOTY BELTS from "ATTACK ON TITAN".

MAGGIE Q

So far so-

(killed)

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Nooo! I don't know if I should be happy we're down one extraneous character or outraged at what a horrible waste of Maggie Q this was.

EXT. RADIOACTIVE WASTELAND

Our HEROES wander around various PROVING GROUNDS from FALLOUT 4.

THEO JAMES

This looks like someone took the surface of Mars and added a few sulphur pools. I'm not sure if nuclear Armageddon can do this.

MILES TELLER

Guys, your plan wasn't just to wander around the hellscape with nothing but the clothes on our backs was it? Guys?

Suddenly, JONNY WESTON starts chasing them in a DISCOUNT FURY ROAD CAR!

THEO JAMES

(crying)

YOU'RE SO MEAN!! Why are you chasing us just because we're helping two mass murder collaborators escape justice?

JONNY WESTON

You killed my partner to break them out of jail! In any other movie, I'd be the hero here!

THEO JAMES

(shooting at Jonny)

STOP BEING SUCH A JERK!!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

We need a plan to escape! A solution's not just going to appear out of thin air-

A BATTALION OF SOILDERS literally appear out of THIN AIR.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

...huh.

JONNY WESTON

Oh fu-

(blasted by six lasers)

(hilariously turns into Two-Face)

ANDY BEAN

We've been watching you for some time, Shailene. That's why we waited until you literally ran into us to help. Here, ride these horrible-looking CGI bubbles.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Fucking bubbles!

ZOE KRAVITZ

(floating into the air)

Wow, these bubbles attach to the sides of your plane! This is so much better than, I don't know, INSIDE the plane.

The BUBBLES deposit the GANG into a DECONTAMINATION CHAMBER.

VOICE

Hello, Shailene. Please remove your clothes and stand in this awkward lighting so we can maintain our PG-13 rating. Now, please get shrink-wrapped by this CGI jizz. It's the most effective way to decontaminate someone. Instead of, you know, just spraying them with shit, like we do in real life.

MILES TELLER

Jesus, this is taking forever. I can scrub myself with a toothbrush faster than this.

BILL SKARSGARD

Apologies, we need to stretch things out for the super-successful fourth film.

AWKWARD SILENCE.

BILL SKARSGARD

...anyway, I'm your welcoming exposition officer. Welcome to the Bureau of Genetic Welfare, the super-futuristic facility that secretly controls Chicago! You might like to know we've all watched your city for generations.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

So you saw all the bloody uprisings and state-sponsored terrorism?

BILL SKARSGARD

...you'd also might like to meet our leader, Jeff Daniels.

JEFF DANIELS

Yup, hi, it's me, still trying to figure out if I'm in a high or low point of my career right now. Newsroom, Dumb and Dumber Too, it's a toss up.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

I think this movie tipped it, Jeff.

JEFF DANIELS

Anyway, I'm going to explain the logic behind the Faction system.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

(smiling)

Oh, this should be good.

JEFF DANIELS

Centuries ago humanity tried modifying their personality through genetics, but it turned sour. Too brave and you become cruel. Too smart and you become heartless.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

...that's not how personality works.

JEFF DANIELS

We created the Faction system to restore genetic diversity.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

How does segregating people according to genetics create genetic diversity? That's... that's the opposite of how that works. That's like saying Jim Crow was a multiculturalism initiative.

JEFF DANIELS

The reason you’re so special Shailene, is because your genes are so pure!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Holy shit, we're heading into Mengele territory here. Just stop.

JEFF DANIELS

But by bombarding the audience with hundreds of idiotic pieces of exposition, they won't have time to focus on any piece of exposition and realise how stupid this all is!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

People don't watch this type of movie to know how the Evil Society got started. They want to see Plucky Young Woman survive against the Uptight Bastards.

JEFF DANIELS

Okay, let's settle by having a scene that's both Plucky Young Woman survives Uptight Bastards AND idiotic exposition.

SHAILENE experiences a VR simulation of her MOTHER'S MEMORIES of struggling in the wastelands.

JEFF DANIELS

You see? Your mother was a poor lost soul before being rescued by us! And she remembered every single detail of it strongly enough for high-definition video! Seriously, forget photographic memory, think GoPro memory.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Even though I've experienced more flawless Virtual Reality simulations than Keanu Reeves, I have no doubt this is real! This makes me trust you completely!

INT. BUREAU OF GENETIC WELFARE - MUCH LATER.

The GANG eats lunch.

ANSEL ELGORT

Miles and I got jobs spying on Chicago inside VR simulations.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Just what this franchise needed! More virtual reality!

ANSEL ELGORT

I also have a reconciliation subplot with Shailene. It's so good and so subtly done it's a shame it's drowned out by everything else in this bullshit movie.

THEO JAMES

Guys...I think Jeff Daniels might be evil.

ZOE KRAVITZ

(throws down fork)

OF COURSE HE'S EVIL! That's how these movies work! Any seemingly upright authority figure you find is inevitably going to be drowning in dead babies!

MILES TELLER

Maybe you should investigate.

ZOE KRAVITZ

...why are we still friends with you?

THEO talks to his new boss, NADIA HILKER.

THEO JAMES

I've had quite a lot of fun playing laser tag with your flying sci-fi dinner plates of combat. I want to go on a mission with your team to the wastelands. That way I can see what's going on.

NADIA HILKER

You have almost zero training with our weapons! You barely know what it is we even do! I'm refusing your request.

THEO JAMES

What if I said it in...a sightly louder voice?

NADIA HILKER

Well in that case I have absolutely no way to stop you!

THEO and ZOE head out with their new squadron into the WASTELANDS.

ANDY BEAN

Alright soldiers! Your mission is to head out into the desert and steal children from their parents, hence conjuring some pretty uncomfortable memories for any Australians watching.

THEO and ZOE carry out their mission. But a RANDOM GUY gets killed!

THEO JAMES

GASP! Stealing children from their parents is...WRONG!

ZOE KRAVITZ

(slaps forehead)

NADIA HILKER

Just wait till you see what we do to them afterwards. We're erasing all memory of their parents!

THEO JAMES

And you're just telling us this? You're not worried that I'll go and tell Shailene?

NADIA HILKER

Oh please. Now that you know our evil plan, there's no way we'd just let you burst into Jeff's office and-

INT. JEFF'S OFFICE

THEO bursts into JEFF'S OFFICE.

THEO JAMES

Shailene! Stop doing...whatever weird bullshit you're doing with Jeff! He's stealing children! He's murdering parents! He's brainwashing orphans!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Oh. That's...unpleasant. Yeah. It really is.

(examines cuticles)

In all seriousness, my reaction in the movie is EVEN LESS than that.

THEO JAMES

We need to leave! We can't be part of this!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

But Jeff wants me to be a part of council meetings! COUNCIL MEETINGS!

(beat)

Jonny Weston was right. We ARE terrible people.

JEFF DANIELS

Come now Shailene. We need to meet with the secret organization that runs this secret organization.

(sighs)

Sometimes I think these films are conspiracies all the way down.

THEO JAMES

If Shailene's siding with you, I'll do what we always do when we encounter a problem; run away.

(fucks off)

EXT. GLEAMING FUTURISTIC CITY

JEFF and SHAILENE meet with the ULTRA-HIGH COUNCIL.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

So what happens in this scene?

ULTRA-HIGH COUNCIL

(shrugs)

JEFF BRIDGES

I think you find out I'm evil because I want to bring back the Faction system.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

You're doing WHAT?! No! Brainwashing kids you orphaned is one thing, but this is where I draw the line! People can't be categorized and divided! No more segregation! No more gated communities! No more sports teams! Everyone is the same and no divisions should exist!

JEFF DANIELS

So, you hate me now?

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Oh, I'm thinking about it! Give me just a few more scenes and I'll absolutely consider thinking about not liking you!

The GLEAMING FUTURISTIC CITY collapses under the strain of so much DEAD WEIGHT.

INT. AIRPLANE

THEO is being flown back to CHICAGO.

BILL SKARSGARD

(whispering)

Theo, these guards are planning to kill you so you don't tell anyone about the Bureau of Genetic Welfare.

THEO JAMES

But Jonny Weston already saw the Bureau and presumably told Naomi when he returned to Chicago. Heck, everyone already knows Chicago was meant to be an experiment.

GUARD

Look, honestly, I just feel like shooting someone.

They FIGHT. THEO shoots the PILOTS and starts fighting the GUARDS!

THEO JAMES

Shit! I did that in the wrong order!

The PLANE crashes.

EXT. CHICAGO

NAOMI WATTS

We're being torn apart by civil war! This doesn't make any sense! Everyone knows when you defeat the evil dictator there aren't any social repercussions!

MILES TELLER suddenly appears.

MILES TELLER

Hey, I still have to be part of the story for some reason. Jeff told me to give you this formula.

NAOMI WATTS

Will it help me crush Octavia Spencer's rebel faction?

MILES TELLER

Yeah! Just put this gas in the city's ventilation system and everyone in Chicago will forget their entire life's memories!

NAOMI WATTS

...why? Why the fuck would I want to do that?

MILES TELLER

It's part of Jeff's plan to revive the Faction system, mainly by making everyone who made it work forget it ever existed!

EXT. BUREAU OF GENETIC WELFARE

SHAILENE, ANSEL and ZOE steal JEFF'S personal ANTIGRAVITY PLANE.

ZOE KRAVITZ

You sure you know how to fly this thing?

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Sure! That's despite the fact I've seen this precisely once and have never flown an aircraft before...or driven a car, or seen an aircraft, or EVEN HEARD OF AN AIRPORT.

JEFF sends more AIRCRAFT to stop them; but his pilots are HIGHLY TRAINED and of course fail.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

All those people who complained about Daisy Ridley's piloting skills, where were they when this came out? Oh, that's right no one saw this.

They escape to CHICAGO.

EXT. CHICAGO

OCTAVIA SPENCER'S ARMY has nearly taken over the city.

MILES TELLER

Octavia's "Allegiant" are close to victory! Yes, that's what the "Allegiant" was, I'm glad they had barely any impact on the movie.

NAOMI WATTS

I'll have to use the amnesia gas! Taking care of an entire city of amnesiacs with just a handful of people is so much less destructive than a coup!

MEANWHILE, the GANG sneak into the city.

ANSEL ELGORT

Wow, why is everybody fighting?

ZOE KRAVITZ

I think Octavia thought the executions of mass murderers were too violent, so she decided to start a massive bloody civil war.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Naomi's forces have captured Theo. We need to bust him out in a thrilling raid.

ZOE KRAVITZ

I have two flying Roomba's that generate force fields that mean no one can possibly hit us. Does that count as thrilling?

They save THEO and confront NAOMI.

THEO JAMES

Naomi! Stop this!

NAOMI WATTS

You don't understand, Theo. It's for the best! When the Allegiant are brainwashed, I can, ugh, rule them easier? Is ruling a city of vegetables really ideal?

THEO JAMES

It's not just the Allegiant, Naomi! It's everyone! Me. You. Everyone.

NAOMI WATTS

(beat)

Yeah, okay. This was dumb.

(gets shot but is mostly okay)

MILES TELLER

That's right, I shot her! The gas stays on motherfuckers!

THEO JAMES

Swear to god, I'm getting whiplash from all the times you've switched sides.

MILES TELLER

Oh fuck off.

The GAS is pumped into every room in CHICAGO. EVERY ROOM. Even the ones in the DERELICT SKYSCRAPERS. The ones that have been abandoned for EIGHT GENERATIONS. And yet still has a SECRET STILL-FUNCTIONING EVIL GAS SYSTEM WHY WHY WHY AAARGGGHHHJKSGHDWSX%$&@*#!!!!

MILES TELLER

Oh shit, every room means EVERY ROOM. I don't want to be an amnesiac!

(escapes)

SHAILENE WOODLEY

We need to shut this down!

JEFF DANIELS

(appearing as hologram)

Ha! I control every part of this city from the Bureau! I've got my Dr Breen on!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

That's...pretty cool actually. What are you going to do?

JEFF DANIELS

BEHOLD...as I use my god-like, city-bending power to...close a door!!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Well I'm going to shoot AROUND the door!

JEFF DANIELS

CURSE YOUR PERIPHERAL VISION!

The GAS MACHINES stop, and the SEVERAL MILLION LITRES OF GAS that have already been released retroactively vanish.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Great! Now we can all venture outside the city!

(beat)

Wait a minute.

THEO JAMES

Ah, don't worry Shailene. We can have a better ending in the next film, provided the franchise doesn't suddenly come to an-

END.