FADE IN:

EXT. HOTH

Expert WOLF SLAYER LIAM NEESON is about to BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT.

LIAM'S WIFE (V.O.)

But Liam, there are so many more wolves you haven't killed yet.

LIAM NEESON

(removing gun from mouth)

You're right sweetheart. My thirst for the blood of wolves remains unquenchable. I shall kill them all.

LIAM finds an INNOCENT WOLF and KILLS it OFF SCREEN.

ACTION FANS

WTF? Where's the wolf boxing? GIVE US SOME WOLF BOXING!

LIAM flies away on the SAUSAGE FEST EXPRESS.

UNLUCKY BASTARD

I really hope this plane doesn't crash.

But IT DOES and LIAM DIES.

DEATH

I have come to collect your soul, Liam.

LIAM NEESON

Take one step closer and I'll make you eat that fucking scythe.

DEATH

(backing off)

Okay okay. Jesus.

EXT. CRASH SITE

LIAM comes back to LIFE and gathers the other SIX SURVIVORS.

LIAM NEESON

Well it looks like I'm the only recognizable actor here so that means I'm in charge.

FRANK GRILLO

That's bullshit! I'm just as big a star as you are, Liam! I was on Guiding Light! And Prison Break! And I played two different characters on Law & Order: SVU! Audiences love me! Right guys?

CRICKETS

(chirping)

FRANK GRILLO

Well fuck you, Liam! I will challenge your leadership by being a cocky and annoying bastard to the point of the audience wishing a gruesome death upon me!

LIAM NEESON

Fine. In the meantime let's gather up all these dead bodies for food. The butt is where all the good meat is you know.

That night LIAM and the SURVIVORS are approached by the ALPHA WOLF.

ALPHA WOLF

Greetings, Liam. At last we meet.

LIAM NEESON

Wait, what movie am I in? This isn't Breaking Dawn is it?

ALPHA WOLF

(shudders)

Ugh, don't even mention that. We get enough shit over those movies as it is. My pack of wolves are the reason why you're here. We sabotaged your plane!

LIAM NEESON

But why?

ALPHA WOLF

Remember that wolf you killed at the beginning? He was our father and now we want revenge!

LIAM NEESON

Bring it on motherfucker.

ALPHA WOLF

(to his pack)

Alright everybody open your eyes!

LIAM and the SURVIVORS are suddenly surrounded by FLASHLIGHTS.

DERMOT MULRONEY

Yes! We're saved! Hey waaaaait a minute those aren't flashlights! They're wolves!

DALLAS ROBERTS

The fuck? Since when do wolves have LED's for eyes?

NONSO ANOZIE

Hold on, so were the other wolves really just standing around in the dark with their eyes closed until they got the "open eyes" signal? That doesn't make sense to me.

LIAM NEESON

Everybody get up right now and stare down the wolves!

The WOLVES are about to attack!

ACTION FANS

Hell yeah! We're about to see some Grade AA+ wolf punching! Here it comes!

The WOLVES back THE FUCK OFF and LEAVE.

ACTION FANS

No! Hey! Come back here! Hey!

The next day LIAM and the others discover the WOLVES have eaten a NAMELESS SURVIVOR.

DALLAS ROBERTS

Jesus, they went straight for his ass. There's nothing left for the rest of us to eat.

NONSO ANOZIE

What do we do now?

LIAM NEESON

Well there's nothing around here except those woods over there so let's head for them! I'm sure the wolves came from a completely different direction!

FRANK GRILLO

I guess this is a good time to steal all the dead guys's wallets!

LIAM NEESON

I will beat the living fuck out of anyone who tries to take these wallets!

(pause)

(steals the wallets HIMSELF)

Yoink!

LIAM leads the SURVIVORS toward the WOODS.

LIAM NEESON

Trust me guys, it's going to be smooth sailing from here on!

BLIZZARD

Not if I freeze your balls off first.

Another NAMELESS SURVIVOR falls behind and becomes PUPPY CHOW.

NAMELESS SURVIVOR

HELP! THEY'RE EATING MY ASS! OH GOD NOT MY ASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

(dies)

ALPHA WOLF

Attention humans! We only want the wolf murderer Liam! Give him to us and we shall let the rest of you go free!

DALLAS ROBERTS

Sorry, we didn't catch that. What did he say, Liam?

LIAM NEESON

Uh... nothing. Let's keep moving.

EXT. WOODS

LIAM and the SURVIVORS build a FIRE.

FRANK GRILLO

This seems like the perfect time to remind everyone how much of a sexist macho asshole I am so that the audience doesn't feel sorry for me when I give the wolves indigestion. Fight me Liam!

(punches DERMOT instead)

DERMOT MULRONEY

(nose bleeding)

OW! WHAT THE HELL MAN?!

FRANK GRILLO

You thought I was really going to fight Liam Neeson? I might be an asshole but I don't have a death wish.

KAMIKAZE WOLF

Surprise!

(tries to eat FRANK)

ACTION FANS

Yes! It's taken a whole hour but FINALLY! Time for some WOLF PUNCHING!

LIAM pokes the WOLF with a stick and it DIES.

ACTION FANS

GODDAMNIT!

LIAM and the SURVIVORS eat the WOLF.

LIAM NEESON

Mmmm, wolf ass. There is no greater taste.

(pause)

BTW, I'd like to take this moment to act the shit out of everyone by reciting a poem my father wrote and to hopefully make film historians forget that I was in a board game later this same year.

NONSO ANOZIE

Indeed. And I would like to take this moment to freeze to death.

(does so)

ALPHA WOLF

(twirling wolfstache)

And then there were four.

EXT. CANYON

LIAM NEESON

Look! There are trees on the other side of the canyon! We can totally power jump our way over there!

PHYSICS

Not without breaking your damn necks.

LIAM NEESON

Fuck you physics.

FRANK GRILLO

Yeah fuck you physics. Why do you always have to be such a Debbie Downer?

They construct a ZIP-LINE out of PURE BULLSHIT and DALLAS safely makes the impossible leap across the CANYON. Having just been seriously VIOLATED, PHYSICS CRIES.

LIAM, FRANK and DERMOT prepare to use the ZIP-LINE to get across.

DERMOT MULRONEY

I hear in situations like these the last guy to try and make it over is usually the one who dies.

(realizes LIAM and FRANK have already made it across)

FUCK!

DERMOT tries to make it across the ZIP-LINE and WACKY HIJINKS ensue. The ZIP-LINE breaks. DERMOT slams into a TREE and RAGDOLLS his way to the ground.

DERMOT MULRONEY

I'm still alive! I can't believe it! Wait, I see a bright white light. Is that my life flashing before my eyes?

ALPHA WOLF

No, its my teeth. These Crest Whitening Strips make them really shiny and reflective.

DERMOT MULRONEY

Hey didn't we just hop over an entire canyon to get away from you? How the fuck did you beat us over here? Have wolves mastered teleportation?

ALPHA WOLF

So. You humans have finally figured out our greatest secret.

DERMOT MULRONEY

Holy shit, I'm right? I must tell the others!

ALPHA WOLF

(putting on a bib)

Yeah, about that...

The WOLVES surround DERMOT and EAT HIS ASS. Not "his ass" as in HIS ACTUAL ASS, "his ass" meaning a general term for his ENTIRE BODY.

Including HIS ASS.

FRANK GRILLO

That's it. A man can only witness so much ass eating before he gives up all hope. I'm ready to die now.

LIAM NEESON

(pause)

Okay.

DALLAS ROBERTS

Fine by me.

LIAM and DALLAS leave FRANK to DIE ALONE.

ACTION FANS

(looking at watch)

Can somebody tell us when the fucking wolf boxing is going to happen? All this sentimental drama bullshit is making us restless!

EXT. RIVER

DALLAS ROBERTS

Liam, I knew you were planning to kill yourself that night before the plane crash.

LIAM NEESON

And you didn't stop me?

DALLAS ROBERTS

It was really chilly that night and I didn't want to catch a cold.

LIAM NEESON

You would make a horrible Suicide Prevention Hotline operator.

WOLVES magically APPEAR.

DALLAS ROBERTS

No way am I becoming wolf food! I'd rather be fish food instead!

(drowns)

The WOLVES magically DISAPPEAR.

LIAM NEESON

Curse you wolves and your inconsistent teleporting powers!

LIAM wanders deep into the WOODS.

LIAM NEESON

Hmm. I was so caught up in making this wallet fort that I didn't realize I've walked right into the wolves den!

The ALPHA WOLF approaches wearing a YELLOW JUMPSUIT and holding a HANZO SWORD.

ALPHA WOLF

You and I have unfinished business.

LIAM NEESON

Would you mind just standing there while I tape this knife and these miniature liquor bottles to my hands?

ALPHA WOLF

Oh sure, take all the time you need. I will growl at you patiently until you're ready.

LIAM'S WIFE (V.O.)

But Liam! That wolf will kill you! Then you won't be able to come back to me!

LIAM NEESON

Sorry to break this to you honey, but you're dead.

LIAM'S WIFE (V.O.)

Oh. Right. I am. How did I miss that?

LIAM NEESON

I shall leave this world the same way I entered it: punching wolves in the face.

LIAM and the ALPHA WOLF are about to FIGHT!

ACTION FANS

Yes! Finally! It took THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE but we're about to get what we paid for! What the trailer promised us! Here it comes! Prepare for wolf boxing in 5, 4, 3, 2...

END