FADE IN:

EXT. TSAMANTAS - GREECE

MATT DAMON is living happily in a REMOTE CABIN alongside a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. He puts down the BOOK HE'S READING to gaze at a STUNNING SUNSET as a RELAXED SMILE forms on his LIPS. He has finally found the PEACE that has eluded him for JUST KIDDING! MATT is actually FUCKING MISERABLE, reduced to participating in ILLEGAL BARE-KNUCKLE BRAWLS while CONSTANTLY SCOWLING.

MATT DAMON

Figures. At least we're opening with one of the extended fight sequences this series has become renowned for!

A HUGE BEEFCAKE enters the RING and MATT LAYS HIM OUT with a SINGLE PUNCH.

MATT DAMON

Oh no wait, apparently I've turned into One-Punch Man. Whelp, guess I better return home to stare in the mirror and trigger some more upsetting flashbacks. It's a miracle I can still shave.

We see a FEW ACTION-PACKED SNIPPETS FROM THE PREVIOUS MOVIES to remind everyone of the BAR THIS ONE HAS TO CLEAR. Meanwhile...

EXT. REYKJAVIK - ICELAND

JULIA STILES, following the SAGE ADVICE of MATT, is AVOIDING THE AUTHORITIES by STAYING OFF THE GRID and LAYING LOW.

JULIA STILES

Kidding again! I'm actually part of an underground hacker collective now. Wait, that might still count as laying low.

(cracks fingers)

Time to hack the CIA! Hmm, this'll be a tough nut to crack. I'm after highly classified intel on their black operations, which will probably be hidden deep away and made to look like something completely -- what's this? A folder labelled "Black Operations?" No fucking way.

She opens the FOLDER, finds EVERY DIRTY SECRET JUST SITTING THERE, and copies EVERYTHING to a THUMB DRIVE.

JULIA STILES

NO FUCKING WAY! They might as well have put all this in a folder named "Absolutely Nothing To See Here, No Sirree, Move Along." Huh, there's some files on Matt Damon here. Getting close to him has repeatedly fucked up my life to an obscene degree, so I see no reason I shouldn't look him up again!

The CIA manages to run a TRACE on her HACK, so JULIA sets her LAPTOP ON FIRE and FLEES.

FELLOW HACKER

That's not what we mean by firewalls!

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - LANGLEY

CYBER ANALYST ALICIA VIKANDER meets with CIA DIRECTOR TOMMY LEE JONES, who looks like he's worried he might TRIP OVER THE BAGS UNDER HIS EYES.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Sir, we've just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.

TOMMY LEE JONES

By all means, namedrop Snowden right off the bat. That'll surely lend some legitimacy to shoehorning in all these WikiLeaks-related hacking themes that otherwise still focus on a Hollywood-level approach with words like "backdoor" and "mainframe."

ALICIA VIKANDER

At one point, I'll even look at a grainy picture and say "Enhance!" Anyways, the hacker is a former CIA employee named Julia Stiles, who's on her way to meet with Matt Damon.

TOMMY LEE JONES

So the CIA, with all its resources and manpower, has been after Matt for a decade with nothing to show for it, but when Julia needed to find him, she figured out where he is right away?

ALICIA VIKANDER

I want full operational control on bringing them in.

TOMMY LEE JONES

What I just said doesn't reflect well on your department, but sure, have at it.

As soon as ALICIA leaves the ROOM, TOMMY puts in a call to VINCENT CASSEL.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Vincent? Since you're playing the designated evil assassin in this movie, I have a job for you.

VINCENT CASSEL

But I'm not finished with my current operation, which is apparently babysitting a bloodied guy tied up in a bathtub.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Cancel it. This one involves Matt Damon.

VINCENT CASSEL

BLAARGARGH I FUCKING HATE MATT DAMON WHERE IS HE I'LL TEAR HIS HEART OUT!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Okaaay, obviously there's a personal connection there. We trained you guys to be cold and emotionless, remember?

VINCENT CASSEL

I'm cool, I'm cool.

(is not cool)

EXT. SYNTAGMA SQUARE - GREECE

JULIA has arranged a MEET with MATT in the midst of a RIOT IN ATHENS.

MATT DAMON

Whoa, are we using an anti-austerity riot as a backdrop for what will no doubt turn into an expensive action set piece? That's in such poor taste. You could argue it trivialises the mobilisation of a grassroots sentiment that --

JULIA STILES

Look, we don't have a lot of time to delve into that whole thematic overhead right now, so let's just focus on your personal plot, okay?

MATT DAMON

Oh right, what did they come up with to pull me back into the fray? The movie opened with me saying "I remember everything," as if to issue a moratorium on any loose threads to tug on.

JULIA STILES

Well, since there's no more memories for you to uncover, all we can do is put a spin on the existing ones. So, about your father --

MATT DAMON

(hangs head)

Yeah sure okay, my father, why not. What of him?

JULIA STILES

He wasn't an analyst like you remember, he was with Treadstone from the beginning. It's all in these files I hacked.

MATT DAMON

Is there any reason you couldn't have just emailed me those files and avoided this incredibly risky meetup? Heck, you could have just summarised over the phone, the entire revelation is only about one sentence long.

JULIA STILES

Yeah, but you finding it out is pretty much the core of the whole movie, so we've had to break that sentence into tiny fragments, and follow the discovery of each fragment with a bout of frantic action. Speaking of --

MATT DAMON

Right, right.

(clears throat)

THEY TRACKED YOU! WE HAVE TO MOVE!

JULIA STILES

Shit, have they sent an assassin to take us out?

MATT DAMON

No, not yet. First it's those low-level goobers I can mop up in three seconds flat.

As the RIOT escalates into an EXCESSIVE WARZONE, MATT and JULIA evade several CIA AGENTS, but then VINCENT shows up. He tries to snipe MATT but winds up SHOOTING JULIA.

JULIA STILES

Agh! Well, if they want to bring me back for the next one again, the writing will have to get a lot more awkward now!

She passes the THUMB DRIVE with the CIA FILES to MATT and then DIES.

MATT DAMON

Fuck, now I'll have to scowl even harder and my mouth already hurts like a son of a bitch.

INT. DINER - WASHINGTON D.C.

TOMMY LEE JONES meets with RIZ AHMED, CEO of DEEP DREAM, which is a POPULAR SOCIAL NETWORKING SERVICE WITH -- LOOK, IT'S BASICALLY FACEBOOK.

RIZ AHMED

Give me a minute, my head is still spinning from that conference I just gave. Seriously, why did the shakycam aesthetic have to extend to that as well? Christ, even when it's something people need to focus on, like a computer screen or a text message, the camera's all over the place.

TOMMY LEE JONES

I want to assure you that the hack we suffered in no way affects our deal. We can still use Deep Dream for real-time mass surveillance.

RIZ AHMED

Oh, are we adding privacy to the pile of headlining allusions this movie seems intent on incorporating? Fuck this, I'm out. You can't just point fingers at sensitive themes by exaggerating them to the level of ordinary conspiracy theories.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Hey, at least Deep Dream is something different than our standard tactic, which is always more assassination programmes.

INT. APARTMENT - BERLIN

MATT has tracked down VINZENZ KIEFER, the leader of JULIA'S HACKING COLLECTIVE.

MATT DAMON

Yes, I've worked my way into your apartment and dramatically revealed myself, which I do in every one of these movies, so let's move on. I need you to decrypt this thumb drive. I know it's encrypted because it says "Encrypted" on the side. Also, you suck and I hate you.

VINZENZ KIEFER

Are you sure antagonising the only person who can access this drive is the right play here?

MATT DAMON

(menacing glare)

VINZENZ KIEFER

Apparently yes.

VINZENZ decrypts the FILES, which show MATT'S FATHER was the one who started the TREADSTONE PROGRAMME.

MATT DAMON

Okay, there's the files on Treadstone and Blackbriar. And the files on Outcome and Larx if you look real close, which will be the only grudging acknowledgement we make of that fiasco where Hawkeye loses his brain medicine.

(reads files)

Holy crap, it turns out my father was the one who started the Treadstone programme! DISTRACTING FLASHBACK ALERT!

CUT TO:

EXT. CAFÉ - BEIRUT

MATT remembers a time back in BEIRUT when his FATHER, GREGG HENRY, was meeting with AN EMBARRASSINGLY BLANK-FACED YOUNG MATT DAMON SPECIAL EFFECT.

GREGG HENRY

Matt, I have a dire warning to give you. You see -- uh oh, I just realised they're after me! I better get out of here, without saying "Don't trust Treadstone" or "Don't let them recruit you" or "If I suddenly die, it was the CIA" or any number of very brief statements which would ensure your safety should I get offed right now.

GREGG gets into his car and EXPLODES.

YOUNG MATT SPECIAL EFFECT

(stares vaguely)

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT - BERLIN

VINZENZ makes use of this UPSETTING FLASHBACK to SUCKERPUNCH MATT, who gets his bearings and EFFORTLESSLY DISPATCHES HIM. ALICIA VIKANDER, who is of course MONITORING EVERYTHING, uses VINZENZ'S PHONE, which has NO INTERNET CONNECTIVITY, to somehow DELETE THE TREADSTONE FILES. She then CALLS MATT.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Matt, my name is Alicia. I'm speaking to you from a CIA control room. You know, the type of room where we passively stare at screens while you pick us apart. Maybe I can help you learn the truth about your father?

MATT DAMON

Ah, you're the new Joan Allen? How about this?

(hangs up, leaves)

ALICIA VIKANDER

Damnit! Oh well, he found his next clue in the files, so we can intercept him when he follows it up. Tommy, I suggest we bring him back into the agency. After all, who better to hire as a CIA assassin than a guy in his mid-forties who is guilty of straight-up treason and whose psych profile simply reads "Ha ha, no."

TOMMY LEE JONES

Sure, we can give it a try.

(secretly calls Vincent)

Psst Vincent, I need you to kill the other operatives on this mission so we can pretend Matt did it and persuade Alicia not to try and bring him in.

VINCENT CASSEL

Or you could just tell her not to. You're the director of the CIA, you don't have to go around murdering your own agents just to make your underlings do what you want.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Come on Vincent, you know my contract has the same clause as yours.

VINCENT CASSEL

Oh, you mean the one where you have to do the most evil version of any given action? Yeah, that one can be inconvenient sometimes.

(opens jar of peanuts by pelting it at homeless man's head)

EXT. PADDINGTON PLAZA - LONDON

MATT is in LONDON to interrogate BILL CAMP, who used to be involved with TREADSTONE because, at this point, WHO WASN'T?

MATT DAMON

Okay, I magically applied every necessary countermeasure to throw off the CIA so we can talk. You'd think after ten years they'd have changed up their game a bit, but nope, still regular as clockwork.

BILL CAMP

It's particularly embarrassing that you can still foil all their efforts despite having missed out on an entire decade's worth of advances in spycraft. Anyway, what do you want?

MATT DAMON

My father obviously wasn't killed by terrorists, because that wouldn't be needlessly intricate enough. Tell me the truth!

BILL CAMP

When your father learned the CIA had approached you as a Treadstone candidate without telling him, he threatened to expose the programme! Which you ended up doing, so a real chip off the old block, aren't you?

MATT DAMON

Who killed him?

VINCENT CASSEL

IT WAS I!

MATT DAMON

You! Yes, I retroactively remember you at the scene of my father's death! But why do you hate me so much? Seriously, your perpetual grimace is almost as jaw-dislocatingly pronounced as mine.

VINCENT CASSEL

It's because when you blew the lid off Blackbriar, my undercover operation was blown and I ended up being tortured for two years!

MATT DAMON

Oh crap, are we going to actually point out that my actions would have done real harm to real people who were only trying to serve their country? I know that was basically the entire setup of The Bourne Legacy, but that movie can get fucked.

VINCENT CASSEL

Nah it's cool, the only such collateral damage we acknowledge is the psychotic father-killer you see before you, so the audience can just say "Well fuck that guy, he's an asshole anyway."

VINCENT shoots at MATT, but ends up KILLING BILL. MATT falls FIVE STOREYS off a ROOF and manages to ESCAPE because NO ONE EVER CHECKS TO SEE IF HE'S UNCONSCIOUS OR DEAD.

INT. CONVENTION CENTRE - LAS VEGAS

Everyone who mattered in the STORY so far converges on a TECHNOLOGY TRADE SHOW in LAS VEGAS.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Vincent, I need you to take out Riz Ahmed during his panel. He's not playing ball anymore. Oh, and kill Alicia too while you're at it. She's helping Matt and yes, you can kill him too if you want.

VINCENT CASSEL

Man, the CIA really believes there isn't a problem in the world that can't be solved by killing certain people.

MATT arrives at the TRADE SHOW, immediately locates VINCENT'S SNIPING PERCH because he is MEGA THE COOLEST, and shines a SPOTLIGHT in his EYES. VINCENT tries to shoot RIZ but ends up LIGHTLY WOUNDING HIM.

VINCENT CASSEL

For fuck's sake! Movie, you might have more of a badass villain on your hands if you'd let me actually shoot what I was aiming at for once!

(runs away)

MATT then tracks down TOMMY in his HOTEL ROOM.

MATT DAMON

Time for yet another showdown between me and an old white guy in a suit!

TOMMY LEE JONES

I could say something about the finality of all this or how it's always been me pulling strings from the shadows, but really, they'll probably invent some other CIA bigwig for that exact same purpose in the next movie.

MATT DAMON

Tell me about it. I swear, if these movies keep going "back to where it all began," it won't be too long before they show me being earmarked for recruitment as a zygote. Anyway, I should probably kill you now.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Wait! Why don't you come back in, Matt?

MATT DAMON

Are you actually risking your life to try and do the very thing that earlier you murdered several of your own agents to prevent?

TOMMY LEE JONES

I'm complex! Now come on, look inside your heart and you'll see you only want to serve your country.

MATT DAMON

Really? You're appealing to my sense of patriotism after I have repeatedly witnessed the sordid depths the agency will sink to? Not five minute ago you tried to murder a civilian AND one of your own agents AND frame me for it, but now you're feeding me this line about this nest of vipers being a noble calling? Sincerely, go fuck yourself.

ONE OF TOMMY'S UNDERLINGS suddenly busts in and WOUNDS MATT. TOMMY is about to deliver the KILLING SHOT, but then ALICIA shows up and KILLS TOMMY.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Just to clarify: me saving your life was just a random side effect of me murdering Tommy for revenge and personal gain.

MATT DAMON

See, this is the kind of thing I was JUST talking about. Fuck it, I'm going after Vincent!

EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP

VINCENT has hijacked an ARMOURED SWAT VAN and is SPEEDING AWAY. MATT gives chase.

MATT DAMON

A high-octane car chase with all the neon lights and colours of Las Vegas in the background? Hah, this is almost like something out of Fast & Furious!

VINCENT plows through an ENTIRE TRAFFIC JAM as if his VAN has an INVISIBLE COWCATCHER mounted on the front. CARS FLY EVERYWHERE, GENERAL MAYHEM ENSUES, COUNTLESS INNOCENT LIVES ARE LOST.

VINCENT CASSEL

I can't help it! It's that clause in my contract!

MATT DAMON

Okay, now it's exactly like a Fast & Furious movie. At least it doesn't seem like we're going to do that one car stunt that Paul Greengrass seems determined to insert into every Bourne movie he has --

VINCENT T-BONES MATT'S CAR, rendering him HELPLESS as he is pushed up the STREET!

MATT DAMON

Ah, there it is.

They both CRASH inside a CASINO and run into a STORM DRAIN.

MATT DAMON

Given the over-the-top histrionics of that car chase, I take it our hand-to-hand fight is going to be equally excessive?

VINCENT CASSEL

Oh definitely. Hang on, I just have to take care of something before we start.

VINCENT spikes the CAMERA OPERATOR'S DRINK with PCP for that EXTRA GRITTY SHAKYCAM FEEL.

VINCENT CASSEL

There we go. Okay, put 'em up!

After WHOLE MINUTES OF DUKING IT OUT, MATT succeeds in BREAKING VINCENT'S NECK.

MATT DAMON

I have avenged you, father.

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C.

MATT approaches ALICIA.

MATT DAMON

What is it you want?

ALICIA VIKANDER

I put in a bid for the open position of CIA director. I'm sure it'll be taken seriously, even though I'm a twentysomething analyst vying for a job traditionally reserved for old establishment dudes.

MATT DAMON

Well, hopefully they'll be impressed with the way you handled that big assignment just now. You know, the one where nothing was achieved and almost every CIA employee involved got murdered?

ALICIA VIKANDER

I got it covered. As they say, if you're going to fuck up, make sure it's a fuckup you can blackmail people with. Matt, I want you to come and work for me. It's the only life that has meaning for you. I know Tommy hit you with the same line of bullshit, but things will be different when I'm in charge.

MATT DAMON

Yeah well, I briefly thought you were the new Joan Allen, but it appears you're the new Brian Cox. And since I once recorded him spilling the beans, I did the same to you.

(holds up spy shit)

From this I learned that you're willing to throw me under the bus at the first sign of trouble. It's just going to be the same story all over again. Why don't we just call it quits right here?

ALICIA VIKANDER

Why? Because these movies keep hitting the same repetitive story beats? The car chase, the fistfight, the control room surveillance, the general outsmarting, the assassination programmes -- it's all become a standardised template for wielding topical themes like a fucking brick?

MATT DAMON

That too, but really, there's only so many more remixes Moby's Extreme Ways can take.

END