SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY
The Abridged Script
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It is a dark time for Star Wars fans. Tensions are still high from The Last Jedi, and fans can still be found arguing on Mark Hamill's twitter account to this day. Also, thanks to Disney cranking these movies out every six months, Star Wars fatigue has possibly begun to set in... if ever such a thing were possible.
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But by some miracle, for better or worse, we can all come together and agree...
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A Han Solo origin story did not need to be made.
NOT HARRISON FORD and NOT LEIA try to escape the gritty streets, but are caught by WORM LADY LINDA HUNT'S minions and brought to her.
WORM LINDA HUNT
Welcome to my evil White Worm lair. I see you have managed to get your hands on some hyperfuel called coaxium. That's right folks, it's a movie about fuel again!
Um, I know we're going for the dark and gritty atmosphere here, and I'm all for it, but for fuck's sake I can't see a damn thing! Everything is so dark and fuzzy.
WORM LINDA HUNT
Yeah, I guess we like the way The Last Airbender looked, so we decided to go with that. Now give me the coaxium!
Sorry lady, but who do you think is going to win this fight? The guy who has to prove himself as the cunning Han Solo, or the idiot who keeps windows in her lair when she's severely allergic to sunlight?
ALDEN defeats LINDA by giving her SKIN CANCER, and he and EMILIA speed away in his cruiser.
Don't worry Emilia, with this coaxium, we can buy our way out of this dump and live happily ever after!
Umm... sure! 'Cause we all know that's definitely going to happen...
They get to a check point and bribe an IMPERIAL OFFICER. ALDEN gets through, but two of LINDA'S MINIONS grab EMILIA! The OFFICER then shuts the door and calls security on ALDEN!
Noooo!! Get your hands off her!! I'll come back for you, Emilia! I promise I'll come back!!
Wow, I've been yelling and banging on this window for a good 30 seconds, and yet no guards have caught me or even know who they're looking for yet. Good to know we're keeping the whole "Stormtroopers are idiots" thing.
ALDEN goes up to a RECRUITER for the Imperial TOP GUN ACADEMY.
Glad to have you join. And don't worry, I won't ask for your ID like that other officer did. I also won't even check if you're that guy everyone is looking for around here.
Well that's a relief! Hell, I don't even have a last name!
Okay, I'll just put down "Solo," because you're alone.
Wow, thanks random stranger! That's the coolest name ever! It makes me want to keep it for the rest of my life and also give it to my son if I should ever have one!
Yeah, this is lame.
EXT. MIMBAN - THREE YEARS LATER
After being kicked out of the flight academy, ALDEN fights as an infantryman. He meets WOODY HARRELSON, THANDIE NEWTON, and CGI JON FAVREAU.
I know you guys aren't in the Imperial army. You're a bunch of thieves and I want to join your group!
Sorry kid, we're looking for a rough, Harrison Ford type. And well, you're just not it.
Just give me a chance! I'm from Corellia so I'm used to heists and being screwed over. And I can pull off a beloved character, albeit just a younger, more naive one! That should be enough to bring in audiences, right?
NARRATOR RON HOWARD
It was not.
ALDEN gets thrown into a PIT. There, he meets a muddy CHEWBACCA!
Gurgle!! That's right, I speak Shyriiwook!
Yeah mostly just "how are you?" and "where is the library?" Now whatdya say you and I team up and get out of here?
RAWRG GRGRWHHRARRG RWGWRAAAARHHG ARGHGRRHAHG GGRWG?
Um, were you using the present participle? Sorry, I got a C in this class. Look, just follow my lead, okay?
They both escape and WOODY decides to let them join.
Okay, so we do one heist with these guys and then we'll be free. What's your name anyway?
Chewbacca? That's way too long of a name. I'm gonna have to call you something shorter!
What the fuck? Did we really just give an explanation for why you call me "Chewie?" It's not like you call me Sparky or Fred or something. It's a goddamned nickname for Porg's sake!
EXT. VANDOR 1 - NIGHT
ALDEN, CHEWIE, WOODY, THANDIE, and JON chat around a camp fire.
I don't get it. You're going back to Corellia for a girl? It's been three years, how do you know she'll still be there?
I just know.
CGI JON FAVREAU
What's that supposed to mean? Even if she's not dead, imprisoned, or chained to a giant slug, she could have just moved on without you. Do you honestly think she'd stay on a worm infested, crime ridden planet just for the off chance that you would come back?
Let's focus on the heist, shall we? Alden, here's a blaster for you. And Chewie, just pick up any old bandolier you see lying around. And yeah, go ahead and hold on to those for the rest of your lives.
Oh COME ON, man! If we have to give an explanation for stuff, shouldn't they at least be interesting?! What's next? Do we find out where the Death Star got shiny black floors? Or where Salacious Crumb got his laugh?
The next day, they try to steal a train car full of coaxium, but their mission is thwarted after the CLOUD RIDERS attack them. JON and THANDIE both die, and ALDEN loses all the coaxium.
Woody, I'm sorry I dropped the train car, but it was the only way to save us. I know you're probably angry with me that your girlfriend and your four-armed monkey buddy had to die for nothing.
Who? Oh yeah, them. Eh, not really. Let's go see my boss who's pissed.
INT. PAUL BETTANY'S SHIP - LOUNGE
WOODY, ALDEN, and CHEWIE go to see PAUL BETTANY, but run into EMILIA first!
Oh my God, Emilia! I'm so happy to see you! I've missed you so much!
And I ehhh you too.
I'm so glad you made it off Corellia without being given to Crimson Dawn, or become some kind of space mob wife, or any of those other concerns you had in the beginning of the movie!
Ah, my sweet summer child.
Hello Alden, I'm extremely pissed that you and Woody fucked up the mission. And please ignore the fact that it looks like a cat landed on my face.
I know you're upset that we couldn't get the refined coaxium, but here's an idea. What if we got you some UN-refined coaxium?!
Oh I like him. He's got a talent for pulling ideas out of his ass and somehow getting away with it.
EXT. SEEDY BAR
EMILIA takes them to meet DONALD GLOVER.
Hi there. I'm the rebooted, younger version of Billy Dee Williams... a Childish New-Lando, if you will. And I've got a few tricks up my sleeve. Wink wink.
What do you say to a card game? Loser gets the winner's ship.
Sure, although, if you were a pretty girl and you cut me in on your smuggling job, I would probably just give you my ship.
They play SPACE UNO and ALDEN LOSES.
Donald, the truth is we need your ship for a smuggling job. Will you help us?
Sure, why didn't you ask me before? Meet my droid, Phoebe. Not only does she distractingly sound like Gwendoline Christie, but she also makes the same jokes over and over again until her character is just annoying and awkward.
DROID PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE
You forgot the part where I reveal that Donald and I have a sexual relationship! Isn't that bit of information totally interesting and necessary for exploring the character of Lando?
Not really, although it does make me rethink why Lando kept that Lobot dude from Cloud City around so much...
They all board the SHINY NEW FALCON.
Come Emilia, let's make out in the most romantic place ever, Donald's closet. And if there aren't any interruptions, maybe I can finally get some action on this ship!
Sir! I've isolated the reverse power flux coupling!
No, but seriously, stay away from her. You don't know what she's been up to these past few years.
Everyone keeps hinting at that, but what could she have done? Burn people alive? Fuck her nephew? Seriously, how bad could it be?
ALDEN steals the coaxium after PHOEBE causes a riot. PHOEBE and DONALD both get shot, so ALDEN and CHEWIE pilot the Falcon!
I'm really pissed at you. Phoebe is dead. Not only are you destroying my ship, but you killed my favorite fleshlight.
Ah shit! In order to outrun that imperial blockade, I had to fly into the Maelstrom, but now we're getting sucked into a giant maw! We're going to have to make the Kessel Run, but no one has ever made it in less than 20 parsecs!
The Kessel Run, eh? Well this should be interesting. After all, we know you'll go on to brag about how this ship makes the Kessel Run in only 12 parsecs...
Yeah, but what I fail to mention is that I used Phoebe's brain and the unrefined coaxium to help with that!
ALDEN uses PHOEBE'S NAVIGATION BRAIN and the UNREFINED COAXIUM to make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs!
Does it bother you that this is reminiscent of the Liquid Schwartz scene from Spaceballs? No? Okay then.
Why isn't this my movie?
DONALD takes the Falcon and fucks off. The gang then meets ENFYS NEST and the CLOUD RIDERS.
Behold! It is I, Enfys Nest! Which is actually my name and not an STI! Oh, and also...
(takes off hood, revealing ERIN KELLYMAN)
Ta da! I'm the secret love child of Woody and Thandie!
Nah, not really. But you all thought that at first, didn't you?
Okay so here's the part where I decide to help you because you're actually the good guys. Then we decide to double cross Mr. Whoops-Forgot-The-Timestone-Exists, only to have Woody double cross me, but it's okay because I anticipated him double crossing me so I double cross him, and then Emilia-
OMG LETS JUST KILL PAUL AND END THIS ALREADY.
EMILIA kills PAUL, then ALDEN and WOODY have a standoff.
ALDEN anticipates WOODY'S plan to kill him, so he SHOOTS FIRST, making ALDEN look badass and WOODY look like an idiot. Years later, director RON HOWARD re-edits the scene so that WOODY stands about 3 feet away from ALDEN, shoots his blaster and misses ALDEN'S head by a few inches, only to THEN have ALDEN shoot him, making WOODY look like an even BIGGER IDIOT. Years after that, RON re-edits the scene again having both ALDEN and WOODY shoot at the same time, with WOODY missing and ALDEN hitting his mark, with WOODY still looking like an idiot.
After EMILIA gives ALDEN the old "Go on, I'll be right behind you haha jk seeya never," she calls the big boss, which is revealed to be MAUL.
RAY PARK/SAM WITWER
And you all thought you wouldn't be seeing a lightsaber in this movie.
Holy shit, we brought Rebels and Clone Wars into the live action movies? Welp, this should make for an interesting sequel!
RAY PARK/SAM WITWER
Hoo boy, I wouldn't hold your breath on that one just yet.
EXT. SOME JUNGLE PLANET
ALDEN finds DONALD and challenges him to another card game, but not before swiping DONALD'S special DRAW FOUR CARD out from his sleeve.
Ha! The Falcon is mine! In your face, sucka!
Did you forget that my dead girlfriend's brain is in that ship?
Oh yeah, that. Come to think of it, she did have a peculiar dialect... But what do you expect? Of course I had to win it. This is my movie after all.
Yeah, it's just a shame that I ended up stealing the trailers, and Chewie ended up stealing the whole movie.
Damn, I thought I was supposed to be the master smuggler.