INT. A FARM IN SMALLVILLE (WHERE EGGS COST A REASONABLE PRICE)

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE and ELIZABETH TULLOCH drive up to the farm with their two sons: ALEX GARFIN and JORDAN ELSASS.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Let's leave all the exciting stuff from the big bustling city of Metropolis and live on my family's farm.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

I can't wait for all the excitement and adventure that can happen in a town of 200 people. Metropolis, eat your heart out.

ALEX GARFIN

And the list of bad guys Smallville will get will truly be S-tier compared to Metropolis.

JORDAN ELSASS

Not to mention our school choices and city programs improved 100-fold. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Well, I suppose we should get started naming this oddly charming and clever series. Let's name it after the town.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

Smallville is taken.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Okay, what about naming it after our names to show the genuineness of our marriage?

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

Lois and Clark are already taken.

JORDAN ELSASS

What about naming it after your kids: Jordan and Jonathan?

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

That sounds like a low-budget children's Bible show.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

Looks like it will be a mishmash of names. Superman and Lois.

JORDAN ELSASS

I am the handsome, athletic, and social brother who quickly discovers he is not handsome, athletic, or social.

ALEX GARFIN

I am the brother who looks like the main demographic for Yu-Gi-Oh Tournaments. In true Superman fashion, I will take all the positive qualities and leave the DCU…I mean, my brother, nothing.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Let's start the farm! First one to the house gets to spray for termites.

INT. BARN OF TOMORROW

ALEX and JORDAN are helping Dad with the chores.

ALEX GARFIN

Dad says he needs the cattle castrator.

JORDAN ELSASS

Let me stand underneath this hanging anvil.

The ACME ANVIL falls. ALEX SPEARS his brother and takes the full brunt of the crush.

ALEX GARFIN

That was close. I'm glad I knew instantly that my body could handle crushing weights; otherwise, this show would be a lot darker.

JORDAN ELSASS

Bruh.

INT.FARM HOUSE

TYLER HOECHLIN has one of many MAN TO MAN talks with his new super son.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Alex, your body is going through changes. Pretty soon, you will find lasers in new places and you will be thinking about Brainiac and Lex Luthor in new ways.

ALEX GARFIN

Will I be as strong as you, Dad?

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Perhaps, it depends on which writer caves into the very toxic fanbase.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

What I think your dad is saying is that even with your superpowers, we love you and your brother equally.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

(whispering)

But you are the one carrying the family's future, heritage, and perfect genetics.

JORDAN ELSASS

Dad, I am in the room. I can hear you!

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Oops, I didn't notice you. I better go to the office, and by that I mean I hover around the stratosphere and listen for people who are about to die.

JORDAN ELSASS

Do you have office hours for that? It would seem smarter for us to live in a space station so you can have instant access to the 150,000 people who die every day.

ALEX GARFIN

Also, with the amount of tragedies and trauma in the world, you probably only have enough time to wink at your family between shifts.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

Also, with my tendency to get into trouble, you constantly have to keep an ear out for my many traumas.

(steps on a landmine)

(angers Taliban)

(covers self in honey and jumps in front of a bear)

INT. VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER

WOLE PARKS monitors Superman secretly in his high-tech camper van.

WOLE PARKS

I am Lex Luthor from another world, trying to stop Superman from being a dictator like he was in my world.

ROBOT ASSISTANT

Did you say you were Lex Luthor?

WOLE PARKS

It makes a great episode one conclusion, but you are right; that was dumb. Let's never bring it up again.

(restarts)

I am John Henry Irons from another world, trying to stop Superman from being a dictator like he was in my world.

INT. FOOTBALL FIELD

ALEX GARFIN and JORDAN ELSASS are at the high school field when TYLER HOECHLIN shows up.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

I am the new assistant coach. That should put groceries on the table while your mom does journalism for free.

ALEX GARFIN

Dad, I want to play football.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

That's not a good idea. Your powers are for truth and justice.

ALEX GARFIN

However, I also have unearned advantages and genetics that give me an unfair edge.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

(thinks)

That is the American way. Fine, make sure your brother doesn't know how badly you will upstage him.

JORDAN ELSASS

Dad, I am right next to you!

EXT. THE BUSTLING TOWN OF SMALLVILLE

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI and her husband, ERIK VALDEZ, bump into the KENTS.

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI

Clark? What are you doing back in Smallville?

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

Oh look, it's the first person to have Superman's tongue in her mouth. Hi Lana.

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI

Have you met my husband?

ERIK VALDEZ

(grumbles)

American values, immigrants, and gun control.

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI

Clark, it would be lovely to catch up with you and reconnect our friendship.

(throws daughter at Alex Garfin)

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

(wipes glasses)

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI

It's Superman.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

(puts glasses back on)

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI

Clark, did you see Superman? He was just here.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

The fact that no one can differentiate between Clark and Superman, despite his zero effort to look different in this series, speaks highly of the education system here.

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI

Isn't it exciting? There's a new mining site opening up. Morgan Edge is going to put Smallville back on the map.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

All we need is a black person, and we are all set.

WOLE PARKS enters.

WOLE PARKS

I don't trust Morgan Edge's operation. I need someone to infiltrate the mines and discover the plot for this season.

INT. FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

SUPERHOE talks with his real dad through crystal streaming.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Supporting a family and saving the world is hard. Thank God for my below-freezing man cave.

MACFADYEN-EL

Why do you think I embraced the implosion of Krypton? Beats raising kids.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

What was that?

MACFADYEN-EL

Nothing. I didn't say anything. Good luck with your duties.

EXT. SMALLVILLE TOWN CENTER

TYLER disposes of a villain named SUBJEKT-11, who has rival powers. He finds another teen meta named TAG.

ALEX GARFIN

Dad, one of the kids at school got superpowers, and now he keeps beating me up.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Stand back, son. I will stop the evil rampage of…Feisty Emo Teen

(saves the day)

ALEX GARFIN

Ugggggh. I have these horrible migraines.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Now you are on your monthly? That is not a side effect of superpowers.

ALEX GARFIN

No! Tag hit me too hard, and now I can hear exactly ONE thing very loudly.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Cue the Daredevil training montage.

INT. CAMPER VAN

WOLE PARKS and ELIZABETH TULLOCH discover Morgan Edge's plan.

WOLE PARKS

Morgan has been harvesting a type of kryptonite that grants ordinary people superpowers. It was fused with the Uno Reverse card.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

Why does Morgan get to keep his fictional name in this, and we have to be referred to by our actual names?

WOLE PARKS

Because Morgan Edge sounds like a hedge fund manager raised by Mountain Dew ads.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

I don't trust you. Who are you? And if you mention an alternate universe or timeline, I will pull out my hair.

WOLE PARKS

I am John Henry Irons…formerly Lex Luthor, a couple of episodes ago, for no apparent reason. The Superman of my world started killing people, including my wife, Lois Lane.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

I'm going to stop you right there. You are heading into cancelled Snyder territory.

WOLE PARKS

That's fine. He is probably chasing after Star Wars or something. Let him be Netflix's problem. You have to let me kill Superman so he doesn't turn evil.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

My husband would never turn evil…except when Maxwell Lord, Gorilla Grodd, Black Lanterns, any villains with mind control, or any director who wants a "fresh take" on the superhero story makes it happen.

WOLE PARKS

Okay, keep him away from this Reverse Uno Kryptonite.

INT. LANA LANG'S HOUSE

LANA notices her husband is being a D-BAG…even more.

ERIK VALDEZ

I will kill you with my Superman powers!

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI

I knew it. You took up Morgan Edge's "Make Smallville Great Again Plan." He turned you into a super schmuck.

ERIK VALDEZ

However, the super laser transformed me into a better person. I am no longer an alcoholic.

EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI

But the child and spousal assault?

ERIK VALDEZ

It's a work in progress.

EXT. THE GRAND CANYON OF SMALLVILLE

SUPERHOE confronts Morgan Edge.

MORGAN EDGE

I am using the Eradicator, a device with the memories of Krypton's people, to turn ordinary citizens into Kryptonians.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Every person you transform instantly resorts to murderous terrorism. Is that a natural inclination for Krypton? Maybe we deserved to be obliterated.

MORGAN EDGE

This episode has one more minute left, so here is another major plot burn. I…am…also…your…brother!

DC FANS

(rioting begins)

INT. MILITARY STATION

DYLAN WALSH is Lois Lane's father, the head of national security.

DYLAN WALSH

You know, Lois, I am starting to regret giving you my blessing to marry the walking nuclear bomb who attracts other atomic bombs.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

Superman is going to save the day. He always flies in and charges at the problem until it's resolved.

EVIL SUPERHOE

I AM THE PROBLEM!!!!!

WOLE PARKS

I knew it. Superman is evil! Hide yo wife. Hide yo kids. He killin' everybody.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Nah. I decided I no longer want to be evil. That was a rough five minutes.

WOLE PARKS

Wow. Your real secret power is lazy writing.

DYLAN WALSH

Shoot. I was excited about using my Superman Vaporizer Laser, Superman Imploder Rifle, Superman Disintegrator Grenades, or the Superman Neutering and Wine Corking Keychain.

ELIZABETH TULLOCH

Dad, we should really talk about how much you love building tech that will kill my husband.

DYLAN WALSH

Every retired dad needs a hobby, honey.

MORGAN EDGE

I will have my revenge!!!

EXT. AFTER A BUNCH OF OBLIGATORY FLASHBACKS AND PLOT DUMPS.

Morgan Edge is standing by the Sun. He absorbs the device that turns people into Kryptonians. He then steals ALEX GARFIN so he can implant his dad into him.

ALEX GARFIN

Gross.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

My son is the evil Zeta-Ro, and I can't hear him. All is lost. I have been truly bested.

ALEX GARFIN

Dad?

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

I heard him. That was the toughest five minutes of my life.

Morgan Edge releases an army of SUPER JERKS.

MORGAN EDGE

My evil plan to take over the world is upon us. Today it will be Smallville… tomorrow it will be Chesapeake County… the next day it will be Summersford Lake… cripes, this is going to take a long time.

ALEX GARFIN

I am Zeta-Ro, the evil dad of the evil Superman!

JORDAN ELSASS

I will fulfill my hero arc and prove that being powerless…

(gets head beaten in)

WOLE PARKS uses his SUPER HAMMER to slingshot SUPERHOE into Morgan Edge like it's Angry Birds. Morgan explodes.

WOLE PARKS

We did it? John Henry Irons and Superman save the day.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Both of us together make one Thor. Isn't that neat?

ALEX GARFIN

I learned a big lesson about power and responsibility as a super-powered teen.

(gets the girl)

JORDAN ELSASS

I learned to audition for better parts.

(leaves next season)

A GIANT SPACE POD lands on Earth. ZACK SNYDER exits it.

ZACK SNYDER

Rise, my faithful minions, and throw tantrums until James Gunn forefits his DC reboot. Zack Snyder is the true DCU.

DC fan boys ooze out of the pod and start infecting all fandoms.

TYLER HOECHLIN/SUPERHOE

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaartha!

END