FADE IN:

EXT. LONDON

We are introduced to a TRAVELING THEATER TROUPE, who clearly do not know how to handle DRUNKS, which makes their setting up in front of a NIGHTCLUB a little suspect.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Greetings, one and all! Allow me to introduce the members of our humble company.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Hello. I'll be taking periodic breaks from acting to remind everyone that I would've made a much better Dumbledore than Michael Gambon.

LILY COLE

And I'm supposed to be his 15 year old daughter. Good luck explaining those erections to your girlfriends, guys.

VERNE TROYER

Hi, I'm playing a dwarf who can't act.

COLIN FARRELL

They're filmin' midgets!

VERNE TROYER

Shut up, you're not in this till later.

TOM WAITS

And, in the casting decision of the century, I will be playing the Devil.

He leaves to GARGLE a LITER of HAMMERITE PAINT.

INT. CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER'S QUARTERS

LILY is pining for a REAL HOME that isn't pulled by a HORSE. CHRISTOPHER decides to cheer her up.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Come here, dear. I must tell you the story of how I sold you into slavery.

LILY COLE

Sounds great.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

It all started thousands of years ago, when I looked exactly the same as I do now, but without the beard. I made a deal with the Devil, someone who none of us should ever hope to meet.

LILY COLE

I dunno, man. If I met Tom Waits, I'd be pretty psyched. But okay, you made a deal with the Devil. So it's like Faust?

CHRISTOHPER PLUMMER

Yes, but on lots and lots of drugs. Anyway, he granted me immortality. He even helped me win the love of your mother, for a time.

LILY COLE

How long?

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

About fifteen minutes, if you know what I -

LILY COLE

Hold on, I think we've arrived at the first plot point.

EXT. SOME BRIDGE

The TROUPE STOPS after spotting a SHADOW on the WATER, which, for some reason, makes ANDREW temporarily go FULL RETARD.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Look, there's someone dancing on the river!

LILY COLE

...Really? Aren't you supposed to be the voice of reason?

ANDREW GARFIELD

No, that would be Verne Troyer.

LILY COLE

God help us all.

They rescue HEATH LEDGER, who was HANGING beneath the BRIDGE, with MARKINGS on his forehead that will go COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED.

ANDREW GARFIELD

So, does anyone know CPR?

LILY COLE

I don't think so. What should we do instead?

ANDREW GARFIELD

Throw him in a box and leave him overnight?

LILY COLE

Sounds about right.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

EXT. RUNDOWN FACTORY

HEATH LEDGER wakes up, understandably confused.

HEATH LEDGER

Um...help?

LILY COLE

Oh hey, you're still alive.

VERNE TROYER

Who knew putting a metal pipe down your throat prevented compression of the jugular veins?

ANDREW GARFIELD

Who are you?

HEATH LEDGER

The only note in my script says that my accent should be different for every line.

LILY COLE

You're doing a good job so far. Want to join us?

HEATH LEDGER

What is it you guys actually do?

LILY COLE

Well, we put on a stage show to entice people into going through this mirror, which leads them into Christopher Plummer's mind, where they can choose between the pleasures of the flesh or spiritual enlightenment, hopefully tipping the cosmic scales in Christopher's favor so that he can win a bet he made with Tom Waits. Or something.

HEATH LEDGER

Sounds perfectly normal. Hey, how about I lie to the public for you to raise money on fraudulent pretenses?

(pause)

Not that I'm good at that or anything.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, TERRY GILLIAM is trying frantically to cover the GAPS that HEATH left in the footage when he DIED.

HEATH LEDGER'S GHOST

Nonsensical animations can't save you now, my friend.

TERRY GILLIAM

Well goddammit, I'm going to try regardless. Maybe the audience will be distracted by all the pretty colors. Besides, I have a computer now.

HEATH LEDGER'S GHOST

Yet somehow those cardboard cutouts you used to do were more convincing.

TERRY GILLIAM

(sadly)

I know. But look, I can totally pull this off and make it look smooth without doing anything contrived or obvious.

HEATH wears a MASK for most of the rest of the movie.

HEATH LEDGER'S GHOST

By the way, I never asked you, how did you come up with the title?

TERRY GILLIAM

Well, I thought "The Trippy Acid Fantasies of an Old Drunk" was too forward.

INT. FANCY SHOPPING MALL

The TROUPE has redesigned their STAGE, under the guidance of HEATH, to attract a more UPMARKET CLIENTELE.

VERNE TROYER

Blackface, transvestitism, underage nudity, Heath Ledger and a shitton of fruit: welcome to the mind of Sir Christopher Plummer!

HEATH LEDGER

Come, ladies, all you must do is step through the mirror to experience the magic of the Imaginarium!

MAGGIE STEED

You mean we don't have to spend three hours singing in an airship first?

HEATH leads MAGGIE into the IMAGINARIUM, where he turns into JOHNNY DEPP.

JOHNNY DEPP

And now we know what Maggie Steed's ideal man looks like. Awkward.

MAGGIE STEED

Oh my, it's Johnny Depp. Throw in a boat ride and I'll give you all the money I own.

JOHNNY DEPP

Done and done.

JOHNNY steals the old lady's EARRINGS for good measure.

JOHNNY DEPP

I'm having the strangest sense of deja vu.

MAGGIE emerges from the IMAGINARIUM, in RAPTUROUS BLISS, and women begin clamoring to enter. CHRISTOPHER stands still amidst the MAYHEM, as it's obvious by now that he's on enough LSD to put HUNTER S. THOMPSON into a COMA.

ANDREW GARFIELD

The unbridled satisfaction and contentment of all these women doesn't have sexual connotations at all.

LILY COLE

Don't think too hard, or you'll realize it's all taking place inside an old man's mind.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Thanks for that.

Unfortunately, some RUSSIAN MOBSTERS recognize HEATH and chase him through the MIRROR.

VERNE TROYER

Russian villains, huh? There's a new one. I guess Terry used up his originality quota on all the unconvincing CGI.

HEATH turns into JUDE LAW this time.

JUDE LAW

Apparently I'm the dream man of the Russian underworld.

The THUGS chase JUDE around for a bit as CGI STUFF HAPPENS, finally cornering him. Fortunately, ANDREW comes to the rescue and summons a squad of TRANSVESTITE POLICEMEN.

RUSSIAN THUG 2

Piz'da! A combination of law enforcement and homoerotic undertones! The natural enemy of all Russians!

TOM WAITS

It's alright, guys. You can help me gather wood to stoke the industrial furnace that is my chest.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Oh hey, Tom Waits, where have you been?

TOM WAITS

Getting my Giant Robotic Babushka license, why?

EXT. RUNDOWN FACTORY

ANDREW and HEATH emerge from the IMAGINARIUM safely. ANDREW finds an article in The Mirror (GET IT?) about how much of a SCUMBAG HEATH is.

ANDREW GARFIELD

Guys, check this out. Heath is actually kind of an asshole.

VERNE TROYER

Wait, Heath, you're a bad guy? I thought Tom Waits was the bad guy?

HEATH LEDGER

Well, you know, good and bad are ambiguous concepts in this movie and all that.

VERNE TROYER

Ehh, not really. I mean, Christopher made a deal with the Devil. It doesn't get much more unambiguous than that.

HEATH LEDGER

Look, I'm going to complete the Scruffy Mustache & Goatee Trilogy, and none of you can stop me!

HEATH grabs LILY and fucks off into the IMAGINARIUM, where he turns into COLIN FARRELL.

LILY COLE

My dream man!

Everyone in the AUDIENCE with GOOD TASTE cringes.

COLIN FARRELL

How about we combine two of the Lonely Island's most popular singles and have sex on a boat?

ANDREW GARFIELD

Colin, you sick bastard, she's only fifteen.

VERNE TROYER

Again, this is all happening in an old man's mind. An old man who is her father. Terry Gilliam, what the actual fuck.

Another DREAM SEQUENCE OR WHATEVER occurs.

ANDREW GARFIELD

How are we supposed to feel any sense of suspense if the rules of this imagination world are never explained?

TERRY GILLIAM

It's whimsical fantasy, I don't have to spell it all out for you.

ANDREW GARFIELD

I'm just saying, all these sequences of people falling from things and nearly dying would have a lot more impact if we knew that they actually meant anything.

The DREAM SEQUENCE OR WHATEVER culminates in LILY surrendering to TOM, allowing him to WIN the BET.

LILY COLE

Who decided the Devil's weakness was betting, anyway? I should've just hidden behind a slot machine.

TOM WAITS

(sadly)

I can't even set foot in Vegas.

LILY COLE

Like they're not all headed straight to you regardless.

TOM WAITS

Good point. You know what, I should've remembered how collecting souls is like collecting anything else: once you've got everything you want, you kinda lose interest. How about this, Von Trapp: you give me Heath, and I'll give you Lily back.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

That doesn't even make sense, but you've got a deal.

TOM WAITS

Well, it's been a pleasure doing business with you. The Game.

He LAUGHS, and heads home to eat a bowl of HOT GRAVEL.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

So, all that remains is to exit the Imaginarium and be reunited with my happy family, free of the weight that's been on my shoulders for the last 16 years.

TERRY GILLIAM

Lol, not so fast.

Lots of STUFF happens that MAKES NO SENSE.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Could you just please tell me what the fuck is going on? Spin a top, or knock over a chess piece or something.

TERRY GILLIAM

WHIMSICAL. FANTASY.

CHRISTOPHER eventually finds VERNE outside a RESTAURANT, where LILY and ANDREW are eating, apparently MARRIED with a CHILD.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

So what is this, a hallucination, a fantasy, a dream, another dimension, what?

VERNE TROYER

I don't know. And I don't think Terry does either.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

So this is the ending?

VERNE TROYER

Yeah, pretty much.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Well fuck me sideways.

END.