RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. RESEARCH LAB - SAN FRANCISCO
An INTRO shows a group of ADORABLE CGI CHIMPANZEES in a JUNGLE being brutally captured by DICKHEAD POACHERS. This twists the original movie's POLITICAL MESSAGES into a GIANT AD FOR PETA. The CHIMPS are transported to JAMES FRANCO'S LABORATORY. He's talking to his ASSISTANT, TYLER LABINE.
JAMES FRANCO
I'm here to prove that I can play a molecular geneticist just as believably as I can a stoner. If only I could get this vacant expression off my face.
TYLER LABINE
Sorry, what? I was just reprimanding this idiot technician for calling these chimps monkeys. THEY'RE APES! GAWD!
JAMES FRANCO
You're reconciling your respect for apes well with the fact that we're using them as guinea pigs for a cure to Alzheimer's, which I call ALZ-112.
TYLER LABINE
ALZ-112? Do we just take the first three letters of the disease and add some random numbers to name its cure? Boy, I can't wait to start work on CAN-638 and AID-712.
JAMES FRANCO
It's also making the chimps more intelligent, though. Oh science, you are a fickle bitch.
TYLER LABINE
Experimenting on animals for an Alzheimer's cure that also makes those animals super smart? Didn't we learn anything from Deep Blue Sea?
JAMES is visited by his BOSS, DAVID OYELOWO, whose ACCENT makes all his lines seem NEEDLESSLY INTENSE.
DAVID OYELOWO
How's my best money -- I mean, buddy?
JAMES FRANCO
Our test results show that the cure worked on one chimp. Just one. Out of a whole lot. I suggest, nay, implore that we move to human testing immediately.
DAVID OYELOWO
Huh, as a profit-hungry corporate executive, I feel that should've been my line. First present your findings to the board of directors in a dramatic way.
While JAMES oversimplifies SCIENCE, a CGI CHIMP escapes and uses PARKOUR MOVES to reach the CONFERENCE ROOM.
JAMES FRANCO
Seriously, does every movie need a parkour sequence now?
The CGI CHIMP jumps around on the CONFERENCE TABLE and MILDLY UPSETS EVERYONE. A GUARD shoots and kills it.
JAMES FRANCO
Could've just tased it, bro.
DAVID OYELOWO
Science has failed! Back to the drawing board, James. Surely the only way to do that is to kill all the other chimps.
JAMES returns to the LAB, where TYLER is cradling a CGI BABY CHIMP.
TYLER LABINE
Look, that chimp had a baby we didn't know about. She wasn't losing her shit, she was just being protective of her child!
JAMES FRANCO
Forget it, Tyler. They've ordered us to put down all the chimps and start over.
TYLER LABINE
WAAAH BUT I LOVE THESE CHIMPS!
JAMES FRANCO
Really? Then why didn't you ever notice that your favourite one was pregnant with, gave birth to, and took care of a baby in its cage? Come to think of it, why didn't anyone notice?
TYLER LABINE
Okay fine, I'll euthanise them to death. You kill the baby chimp that just grabbed your finger with its tiny hand as a sign of complete and unconditional trust.
JAMES decides to take the CGI BABY CHIMP home to his FATHER, JOHN LITHGOW.
JAMES FRANCO
My dad is John Lithgow? Great, now I have no idea what my childhood was like. I could've been raised by either Dick Solomon or the Trinity Killer.
JOHN LITHGOW
Hello, son. Shouldn't you be taping an episode of Freaks and Geeks right now?
JAMES FRANCO
No dad, I'm a serious actor now. I took you to see 127 Hours, remember?
JOHN LITHGOW
I can't, but I'm not sure whether that's due to my Alzheimer's or that movie's forgettable nature.
JAMES FRANCO
Good thing you actually have the disease I'm trying to cure. That makes this intensely personal for me, which gives me the sympathy I need to cross a slew of moral and ethical boundaries.
JAMES presents the CGI BABY CHIMP to JOHN.
JOHN LITHGOW
Let's call him Caesar for some contrived reason! I will raise him like the chimp I never had.
As it turns out, CAESAR is also SUPER SMART.
JAMES FRANCO
So the ALZ-112 is actually hereditary. I'm sure only a disease is supposed to do that, not the cure.
JOHN LITHGOW
Dude, you modelled it after a virus. What did you expect?
JAMES FRANCO
Yeah well, I'm still going to administer it to you in your sleep.
He DOES, and JOHN is CURED INSTANTLY.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - THREE YEARS LATER
CAESAR gently approaches the CHILDREN of NEIGHBOUR DAVID HEWLETT, who CHASES HIM OFF.
JAMES FRANCO
YOU HURT HIM A TINY BIT! YOU ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
DAVID HEWLETT
Hey, I'm really just a father who's slightly overreacting to seeing a highly irregular animal near his children. I wasn't there for any of the scenes that established it as being innocent and cuddly!
JAMES FRANCO
Well, the audience was, so that officially makes you a raging douchebag.
DAVID HEWLETT
Goddamnit, will I ever escape that typecasting?
JAMES brings CAESAR to IMPROBABLY HOT VETERINARIAN FREIDA PINTO.
FREIDA PINTO
Hello, James. I'm here to contribute nothing that couldn't have been rolled into your character.
JAMES FRANCO
Well, you do have a moral compass that's slightly different from mine, so why don't you be a mouthpiece for various messages that oppose science tampering with the natural order? Also, my monkey's cute. Want to go out with me?
FREIDA PINTO
You do know what this looks like, right? A guy taking a CGI animal to an attractive veterinarian and then playing on said animal to get romantically involved with her?
JAMES FRANCO
What?
FREIDA PINTO
It's the Garfield movie.
JAMES FRANCO
OH GOD CUT FIVE YEARS FORWARD QUICK!
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - FIVE YEARS LATER
CAESAR is now FULLY GROWN and living comfortably on THE FAR SIDE OF THE UNCANNY VALLEY.
JAMES FRANCO
Damn, I notice my dad's Alzheimer's is returning! I must make a more potent version of ALZ-112 while taking a giant shit on even more basic scientific protocols.
JOHN LITHGOW
Wait, I first want to use my Alzheimer's as an excuse to go crash David Hewlett's horribly expensive car.
DAVID HEWLETT
Fucking hell, is there any way I can confront you while still coming off as reasonable here?
JOHN LITHGOW
You're a raging douchebag, so it doesn't matter what you do.
DAVID HEWLETT
THEN I WILL JAB MY FINGER AT YOU! JAB JAB!
The JABBING upsets CAESAR who ATTACKS DAVID.
JOHN LITHGOW
No, don't be protective of me! Remember what happened to the last chimp who tried to be protective of something!
CAESAR bites off DAVID'S JABBING FINGER.
DAVID HEWLETT
Ow! I can't wait to explain this one to the doctor. "Yes, my finger is gone because the guy rendering the CGI chimp that bit it off also did that as another CGI character in another movie."
JAMES is forced to take CAESAR to a PRIMATE SHELTER run by BRIAN COX and his son, TOM FELTON.
JAMES FRANCO
How convenient that the two of you don't need to be characterised as douchebags, since your previous roles have done that for you.
TOM FELTON
(Draco Malfoy)
I'm still going to ham it up, though! APES TOTALLY SUCK!
BRIAN COX
(William Stryker)
Apes are not people and I hate them so much that I decided to start this primate shelter for the sole purpose of letting my son torture them.
JAMES leaves while TOM watches a CHARLTON HESTON MOVIE, because nobody will let him escape this franchise, EVEN IN DEATH.
BRIAN COX
I'll just put Caesar in with the other apes and force him to reenact One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest whenever James Franco's scenes are wearing thin.
INT. RESEARCH LAB - SAN FRANCISCO
After JOHN LITHGOW has DIED, JAMES goes to work to do SCIENCE, because this time, it's PERSONAL. MORE SO.
TYLER LABINE
James, what are you doing here?
JAMES FRANCO
I still work here. Maybe the movie has forgotten to establish that.
TYLER LABINE
Poachers"R"Us has just dropped of a fresh batch of apes. Which one do you want to test the new ALZ-113 on?
JAMES FRANCO
This CGI bonobo, who looks like he walked straight out of Resident Evil, demanded a second cookie right after I gave him one. This arbitrarily endears him to me.
TYLER LABINE
Yes, because when we show our test subject to the board of directors, let's make sure it's the ugliest damn ape we could find.
They introduce a GASEOUS FORM of ALZ-113 to the CGI BONOBO. During the procedure, TYLER'S GAS MASK is knocked off.
TYLER LABINE
Whoa, I inhaled some of that stuff. I need to be quarantined and kept under close observation now.
JAMES FRANCO
Relax, I'm sure it's fine.
TYLER LABINE
No, it very much isn't. You all want to test the cure on humans? This is that. It literally just happened.
JAMES FRANCO
Pshaw, just go home and take a nap. Sneeze right in people's faces if you want to.
DAVID OYELOWO enters.
DAVID OYELOWO
So, how did it go? Can we start human testing?
JAMES FRANCO
Actually, it's already happened twice so far. But no, not yet. It's too soon!
DAVID OYELOWO
But earlier you were eager to move forward after just one successful experiment, and I ended up warning against it. Did we just completely switch viewpoints?
JAMES FRANCO
I guess so.
DAVID OYELOWO
I'm going to move forward anyway without even hiding the fact that all I care about is turning a profit.
(actual line)
You make history, I make money!
JAMES FRANCO
Then this is a perfect opportunity for me to clear myself of all responsibility! I quit. I'm a scientist no more.
JAMES goes home and MOPES AROUND, while TYLER goes home and DIES after sneezing in DAVID HEWLETT'S FACE.
DAVID HEWLETT
OH COME ON!
INT. PRIMATE SHELTER - SAN FRANCISCO
CAESAR has befriended a CGI ORANGUTAN WHO LOOKS LIKE PAUL GIAMATTI and a CGI KING KONG SCALED DOWN TO THE SIZE OF A GORILLA. He turns them SUPER SMART with some stolen ALZ-113.
BRIAN COX
These apes are all exhibiting strange behaviour. Rather than question this in any way, I'll ask Tom to go be a giant dick to them.
TOM FELTON
Douchebag away!
TOM beats up CAESAR, who starts FIGHTING BACK.
TOM FELTON
A damn dirty ape has its stinking paw on me! That means it's time for Charlton Heston's iconic line! Let me just work up the necessary phlegm for this.
(beat)
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!
CAESAR
NO!
TOM FELTON
He can talk! He can talk he can talk he can talk!
CAESAR kills TOM and escapes the SHELTER with the rest of the APES.
EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - SAN FRANCISCO
After freeing more APES from the ZOO, CAESAR leads a COORDINATED ATTACK using MILITARY HAND SIGNALS, because WHY NOT.
DAVID OYELOWO
Oh God, it seems these apes are all coordinated! Even the ones that came from the zoo and were never exposed to the ALZ-113!
(beat)
Call in everyone! And I do mean everyone! Even the mounted police! We need to shoehorn in an ape riding a horse because it's been a full five minutes since the last callback to the original movie!
CAESAR
GET READY FOR THE APES OF WRATH!
The POLICE ARRIVES and starts SHOOTING at the APES. Somehow the APES win and cross the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. DAVID OYELOWO dies while SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL. Also, FREIDA PINTO is there.
CAESAR
Now I must tearfully mourn my fallen friends. How ironic that a CGI creature like myself can display more emotion over an ape than Mark Wahlberg saying stuff like "I'm going to get my chimp" and meaning it.
EXT. REDWOOD FOREST - SAN FRANCISCO
JAMES FRANCO arrives and finds CAESAR in the FOREST.
JAMES FRANCO
I'm glad to see you've had such an extensive and compelling character arc, Caesar. Because I'm still exactly the same as before. Seriously, I've learned nothing.
CAESAR
Please keep talking. It'll distract me from the fact that this scene is set up exactly like the ending of E.T.
JAMES FRANCO
Okay, why the hell did you organise this entire attack to get to a goddamn redwood forest? Did you think this was the human seat of government so you could overthrow it?
CAESAR
No, we just came here to hang. You've actually overthrown yourselves. The ALZ-113 is going to wipe out most of humanity, because David Hewlett is a pilot and he's sneezing in the faces of planefuls of people as we speak, which is movie code for pandemic. Thank God too, I was worried we were actually going to have to beat people with sticks!
JAMES FRANCO
So that's the cause of the ape uprising. Science gone haywire and people being douchebags. Now I guess we can start anticipating War of the Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
CAESAR
Don't bother. Like any reboot, this ended up being just a jumbled collection of winks and nods to the original canon. You know the one thing it has accomplished?
JAMES FRANCO
What?
CAESAR
It has spoiled the surprise ending of the first Planet of the Apes for anyone who's now compelled to see it.
JAMES FRANCO
Nice going, movie.
END