FADE IN:

INT. RESEARCH LAB - SAN FRANCISCO

An INTRO shows a group of ADORABLE CGI CHIMPANZEES in a JUNGLE being brutally captured by DICKHEAD POACHERS. This twists the original movie's POLITICAL MESSAGES into a GIANT AD FOR PETA. The CHIMPS are transported to JAMES FRANCO'S LABORATORY. He's talking to his ASSISTANT, TYLER LABINE.

JAMES FRANCO

I'm here to prove that I can play a molecular geneticist just as believably as I can a stoner. If only I could get this vacant expression off my face.

TYLER LABINE

Sorry, what? I was just reprimanding this idiot technician for calling these chimps monkeys. THEY'RE APES! GAWD!

JAMES FRANCO

You're reconciling your respect for apes well with the fact that we're using them as guinea pigs for a cure to Alzheimer's, which I call ALZ-112.

TYLER LABINE

ALZ-112? Do we just take the first three letters of the disease and add some random numbers to name its cure? Boy, I can't wait to start work on CAN-638 and AID-712.

JAMES FRANCO

It's also making the chimps more intelligent, though. Oh science, you are a fickle bitch.

TYLER LABINE

Experimenting on animals for an Alzheimer's cure that also makes those animals super smart? Didn't we learn anything from Deep Blue Sea?

JAMES is visited by his BOSS, DAVID OYELOWO, whose ACCENT makes all his lines seem NEEDLESSLY INTENSE.

DAVID OYELOWO

How's my best money -- I mean, buddy?

JAMES FRANCO

Our test results show that the cure worked on one chimp. Just one. Out of a whole lot. I suggest, nay, implore that we move to human testing immediately.

DAVID OYELOWO

Huh, as a profit-hungry corporate executive, I feel that should've been my line. First present your findings to the board of directors in a dramatic way.

While JAMES oversimplifies SCIENCE, a CGI CHIMP escapes and uses PARKOUR MOVES to reach the CONFERENCE ROOM.

JAMES FRANCO

Seriously, does every movie need a parkour sequence now?

The CGI CHIMP jumps around on the CONFERENCE TABLE and MILDLY UPSETS EVERYONE. A GUARD shoots and kills it.

JAMES FRANCO

Could've just tased it, bro.

DAVID OYELOWO

Science has failed! Back to the drawing board, James. Surely the only way to do that is to kill all the other chimps.

JAMES returns to the LAB, where TYLER is cradling a CGI BABY CHIMP.

TYLER LABINE

Look, that chimp had a baby we didn't know about. She wasn't losing her shit, she was just being protective of her child!

JAMES FRANCO

Forget it, Tyler. They've ordered us to put down all the chimps and start over.

TYLER LABINE

WAAAH BUT I LOVE THESE CHIMPS!

JAMES FRANCO

Really? Then why didn't you ever notice that your favourite one was pregnant with, gave birth to, and took care of a baby in its cage? Come to think of it, why didn't anyone notice?

TYLER LABINE

Okay fine, I'll euthanise them to death. You kill the baby chimp that just grabbed your finger with its tiny hand as a sign of complete and unconditional trust.

JAMES decides to take the CGI BABY CHIMP home to his FATHER, JOHN LITHGOW.

JAMES FRANCO

My dad is John Lithgow? Great, now I have no idea what my childhood was like. I could've been raised by either Dick Solomon or the Trinity Killer.

JOHN LITHGOW

Hello, son. Shouldn't you be taping an episode of Freaks and Geeks right now?

JAMES FRANCO

No dad, I'm a serious actor now. I took you to see 127 Hours, remember?

JOHN LITHGOW

I can't, but I'm not sure whether that's due to my Alzheimer's or that movie's forgettable nature.

JAMES FRANCO

Good thing you actually have the disease I'm trying to cure. That makes this intensely personal for me, which gives me the sympathy I need to cross a slew of moral and ethical boundaries.

JAMES presents the CGI BABY CHIMP to JOHN.

JOHN LITHGOW

Let's call him Caesar for some contrived reason! I will raise him like the chimp I never had.

As it turns out, CAESAR is also SUPER SMART.

JAMES FRANCO

So the ALZ-112 is actually hereditary. I'm sure only a disease is supposed to do that, not the cure.

JOHN LITHGOW

Dude, you modelled it after a virus. What did you expect?

JAMES FRANCO

Yeah well, I'm still going to administer it to you in your sleep.

He DOES, and JOHN is CURED INSTANTLY.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - THREE YEARS LATER

CAESAR gently approaches the CHILDREN of NEIGHBOUR DAVID HEWLETT, who CHASES HIM OFF.

JAMES FRANCO

YOU HURT HIM A TINY BIT! YOU ABSOLUTE MONSTER!

DAVID HEWLETT

Hey, I'm really just a father who's slightly overreacting to seeing a highly irregular animal near his children. I wasn't there for any of the scenes that established it as being innocent and cuddly!

JAMES FRANCO

Well, the audience was, so that officially makes you a raging douchebag.

DAVID HEWLETT

Goddamnit, will I ever escape that typecasting?

JAMES brings CAESAR to IMPROBABLY HOT VETERINARIAN FREIDA PINTO.

FREIDA PINTO

Hello, James. I'm here to contribute nothing that couldn't have been rolled into your character.

JAMES FRANCO

Well, you do have a moral compass that's slightly different from mine, so why don't you be a mouthpiece for various messages that oppose science tampering with the natural order? Also, my monkey's cute. Want to go out with me?

FREIDA PINTO

You do know what this looks like, right? A guy taking a CGI animal to an attractive veterinarian and then playing on said animal to get romantically involved with her?

JAMES FRANCO

What?

FREIDA PINTO

It's the Garfield movie.

JAMES FRANCO

OH GOD CUT FIVE YEARS FORWARD QUICK!

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - FIVE YEARS LATER

CAESAR is now FULLY GROWN and living comfortably on THE FAR SIDE OF THE UNCANNY VALLEY.

JAMES FRANCO

Damn, I notice my dad's Alzheimer's is returning! I must make a more potent version of ALZ-112 while taking a giant shit on even more basic scientific protocols.

JOHN LITHGOW

Wait, I first want to use my Alzheimer's as an excuse to go crash David Hewlett's horribly expensive car.

DAVID HEWLETT

Fucking hell, is there any way I can confront you while still coming off as reasonable here?

JOHN LITHGOW

You're a raging douchebag, so it doesn't matter what you do.

DAVID HEWLETT

THEN I WILL JAB MY FINGER AT YOU! JAB JAB!

The JABBING upsets CAESAR who ATTACKS DAVID.

JOHN LITHGOW

No, don't be protective of me! Remember what happened to the last chimp who tried to be protective of something!

CAESAR bites off DAVID'S JABBING FINGER.

DAVID HEWLETT

Ow! I can't wait to explain this one to the doctor. "Yes, my finger is gone because the guy rendering the CGI chimp that bit it off also did that as another CGI character in another movie."

JAMES is forced to take CAESAR to a PRIMATE SHELTER run by BRIAN COX and his son, TOM FELTON.

JAMES FRANCO

How convenient that the two of you don't need to be characterised as douchebags, since your previous roles have done that for you.

TOM FELTON

(Draco Malfoy)

I'm still going to ham it up, though! APES TOTALLY SUCK!

BRIAN COX

(William Stryker)

Apes are not people and I hate them so much that I decided to start this primate shelter for the sole purpose of letting my son torture them.

JAMES leaves while TOM watches a CHARLTON HESTON MOVIE, because nobody will let him escape this franchise, EVEN IN DEATH.

BRIAN COX

I'll just put Caesar in with the other apes and force him to reenact One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest whenever James Franco's scenes are wearing thin.

INT. RESEARCH LAB - SAN FRANCISCO

After JOHN LITHGOW has DIED, JAMES goes to work to do SCIENCE, because this time, it's PERSONAL. MORE SO.

TYLER LABINE

James, what are you doing here?

JAMES FRANCO

I still work here. Maybe the movie has forgotten to establish that.

TYLER LABINE

Poachers"R"Us has just dropped of a fresh batch of apes. Which one do you want to test the new ALZ-113 on?

JAMES FRANCO

This CGI bonobo, who looks like he walked straight out of Resident Evil, demanded a second cookie right after I gave him one. This arbitrarily endears him to me.

TYLER LABINE

Yes, because when we show our test subject to the board of directors, let's make sure it's the ugliest damn ape we could find.

They introduce a GASEOUS FORM of ALZ-113 to the CGI BONOBO. During the procedure, TYLER'S GAS MASK is knocked off.

TYLER LABINE

Whoa, I inhaled some of that stuff. I need to be quarantined and kept under close observation now.

JAMES FRANCO

Relax, I'm sure it's fine.

TYLER LABINE

No, it very much isn't. You all want to test the cure on humans? This is that. It literally just happened.

JAMES FRANCO

Pshaw, just go home and take a nap. Sneeze right in people's faces if you want to.

DAVID OYELOWO enters.

DAVID OYELOWO

So, how did it go? Can we start human testing?

JAMES FRANCO

Actually, it's already happened twice so far. But no, not yet. It's too soon!

DAVID OYELOWO

But earlier you were eager to move forward after just one successful experiment, and I ended up warning against it. Did we just completely switch viewpoints?

JAMES FRANCO

I guess so.

DAVID OYELOWO

I'm going to move forward anyway without even hiding the fact that all I care about is turning a profit.

(actual line)

You make history, I make money!

JAMES FRANCO

Then this is a perfect opportunity for me to clear myself of all responsibility! I quit. I'm a scientist no more.

JAMES goes home and MOPES AROUND, while TYLER goes home and DIES after sneezing in DAVID HEWLETT'S FACE.

DAVID HEWLETT

OH COME ON!

INT. PRIMATE SHELTER - SAN FRANCISCO

CAESAR has befriended a CGI ORANGUTAN WHO LOOKS LIKE PAUL GIAMATTI and a CGI KING KONG SCALED DOWN TO THE SIZE OF A GORILLA. He turns them SUPER SMART with some stolen ALZ-113.

BRIAN COX

These apes are all exhibiting strange behaviour. Rather than question this in any way, I'll ask Tom to go be a giant dick to them.

TOM FELTON

Douchebag away!

TOM beats up CAESAR, who starts FIGHTING BACK.

TOM FELTON

A damn dirty ape has its stinking paw on me! That means it's time for Charlton Heston's iconic line! Let me just work up the necessary phlegm for this.

(beat)

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!

CAESAR

NO!

TOM FELTON

He can talk! He can talk he can talk he can talk!

CAESAR kills TOM and escapes the SHELTER with the rest of the APES.

EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - SAN FRANCISCO

After freeing more APES from the ZOO, CAESAR leads a COORDINATED ATTACK using MILITARY HAND SIGNALS, because WHY NOT.

DAVID OYELOWO

Oh God, it seems these apes are all coordinated! Even the ones that came from the zoo and were never exposed to the ALZ-113!

(beat)

Call in everyone! And I do mean everyone! Even the mounted police! We need to shoehorn in an ape riding a horse because it's been a full five minutes since the last callback to the original movie!

CAESAR

GET READY FOR THE APES OF WRATH!

The POLICE ARRIVES and starts SHOOTING at the APES. Somehow the APES win and cross the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. DAVID OYELOWO dies while SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL. Also, FREIDA PINTO is there.

CAESAR

Now I must tearfully mourn my fallen friends. How ironic that a CGI creature like myself can display more emotion over an ape than Mark Wahlberg saying stuff like "I'm going to get my chimp" and meaning it.

EXT. REDWOOD FOREST - SAN FRANCISCO

JAMES FRANCO arrives and finds CAESAR in the FOREST.

JAMES FRANCO

I'm glad to see you've had such an extensive and compelling character arc, Caesar. Because I'm still exactly the same as before. Seriously, I've learned nothing.

CAESAR

Please keep talking. It'll distract me from the fact that this scene is set up exactly like the ending of E.T.

JAMES FRANCO

Okay, why the hell did you organise this entire attack to get to a goddamn redwood forest? Did you think this was the human seat of government so you could overthrow it?

CAESAR

No, we just came here to hang. You've actually overthrown yourselves. The ALZ-113 is going to wipe out most of humanity, because David Hewlett is a pilot and he's sneezing in the faces of planefuls of people as we speak, which is movie code for pandemic. Thank God too, I was worried we were actually going to have to beat people with sticks!

JAMES FRANCO

So that's the cause of the ape uprising. Science gone haywire and people being douchebags. Now I guess we can start anticipating War of the Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

CAESAR

Don't bother. Like any reboot, this ended up being just a jumbled collection of winks and nods to the original canon. You know the one thing it has accomplished?

JAMES FRANCO

What?

CAESAR

It has spoiled the surprise ending of the first Planet of the Apes for anyone who's now compelled to see it.

JAMES FRANCO

Nice going, movie.

END