FADE IN:

INT. AUDITORIUM

ELIZABETH BANKS

Welcome to a national collegiate a cappella competition, which apparently exists and is popular enough to be televised. I'm here with fellow commentator John Michael Higgins to supply witty banter to distract everyone from the socially awkward misfits onstage. Isn't that right, John?

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Huh? Sorry, I was busy playing Angry Birds, because this shit is so boring that the thought of providing actual commentary makes me want to dive head first into a wood chipper.

ELIZABETH BANKS

That's right, John. If a bunch of idiots singing without any instruments can supply a job for not one but TWO commentators, the unemployment problem in America can't be all that bad.

Suddenly ANNA CAMP violently PROJECTILE VOMITS on the audience.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

How embarrassing!

ELIZABETH BANKS

Agreed, whoever did the special effects on that absurdly cartoonish vomit should be fired.

EXT. BARDEN UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - FOUR MONTHS LATER

ANNA KENDRICK arrives on campus on move-in day. Her father JOHN BENJAMIN HICKEY comes to visit her in her dorm.

ANNA KENDRICK

I totally resent you because I don't want to go to college. I want to move to LA and be a DJ. I make generic mash-ups of songs in my free time, so why wouldn't I be the next David Guetta?

JOHN BENJAMIN HICKEY

Even though I don't want to support your unrealistic life plan, I'm going to make a deal with you. If you join a club and after a year you still don't want to be in college, I'll pay for you to move to LA.

ANNA KENDRICK

So, just to be clear, if I half-ass my way through college for a year, you'll take this as a sign that I'm disciplined and mature enough to pursue a music career in LA?

(pauses)

Deal! But it's still totally going to suck.

(pouts)

ANNA goes to the student activities fair, where she meets BRITTANY SNOW and ANNA CAMP.

ANNA CAMP

Aca-hey! We're the Bellas and we're aca-recruiting new members!

ANNA KENDRICK

Aca-hey? You could have at least said "aca-hello." Do you ever add "aca" before words that sound like "pella"?

ANNA CAMP

Not even once. So, are you aca-interested in joining?

ANNA KENDRICK

Uh, yea, I'm gonna pass. I don't even sing.

BRITTANY SNOW

That's okay, singing isn't a requirement to be in the Bellas!

Later at the fair BRITTANY and ANNA meet REBEL WILSON.

REBEL WILSON

'Sup skinny bitches! I'm fat. I'm also the only character who is remotely interesting and genuine, but let's ignore that and just use my size as the punchline of a bunch of jokes instead.

(pauses)

I'm an exact replica of Melissa McCarthy's character in Bridesmaids, aren't I?

She IS.

Later ANNA KENDRICK meets SKYLAR ASTIN.

SKYLAR ASTIN

Hey, I've taken an interest in you, even though you always act like you're better than everyone.

ANNA KENDRICK

Let's occasionally flirt with each other. When that gets boring, I'll push you away and you'll disappear for the next few scenes.

SKYLAR ASTIN

Okay!

(disappears)

Later, BRITTANY SNOW hears ANNA singing in the SHOWER. She bursts into the shower and joins her in singing. The FILMMAKERS utterly squander an opportunity to make a scene in which two attractive college-aged girls shower together even MILDLY TITILLATING and instead settle for EXTREMELY AWKWARD.

BRITTANY SNOW

Now that I've completely violated your personal space, I don't know why you wouldn't audition for the Bellas.

ANNA KENDRICK

Yes, there's nothing I'd love more than to spend every day with the girl who held me hostage in a shower while she serenaded my lady bits.

BRITTANY SNOW and ANNA CAMP host auditions. ANNA KENDRICK, REBEL WILSON, and several other TOTALLY QUIRKY people with NO SINGING EXPERIENCE show up.

ANNA CAMP

Wow, this is like watching a montage of terrible American Idol contestants.

BRITTANY SNOW

Yea, except no one gets cut.

After the COMPLETELY POINTLESS auditions are over, ANNA and BRITTANY initiate the new members into ACA-BELLAHOOD.

ESTER DEAN

I'm a lesbian, so I ogle, grope, and hit on every member of the same sex. Normally the "stereotypical homosexual" role is reserved for male characters, but I say fuck the patriarchy! Let's break out of the mold and make this offensive caricature a WOMAN instead!

ALEXIS KNAPP

I'm promiscuous. Sex. Sex. Sex.

HANA MAE LEE

(mumbles inaudibly)

REBEL WILSON

I'll take over the supporting roles from here, ladies. No need for you to say or do anything else other than be filler characters in the background.

ESTER DEAN, ALEXIS KNAPP, AND HANA MAE LEE

Okay.

ANNA CAMP

Welcome to the Bellas. If any of you hook up with someone from our rival group, The Trebblemakers, you will be kicked out.

ANNA KENDRICK

Uh, weren't you so desperate for members that you literally accepted anyone who bothered to show up to auditions? Why would you do that?

ANNA CAMP

Because this feel-good movie needs an antagonist. It should be me, because I'm a control freak who insists we use the same shitty music at every performance. But recognizing that I'm my own worst enemy would require adding depth to my character, so we're going with "boys are yucky" instead.

BRITTANY SNOW

Girlz rule and boyz drool!

The BELLAS train for REGIONALS. Later, ANNA and SKYLAR hang out again and FLIRT.

SKYLAR ASTIN

Since you never shut up about wanting to be a DJ, I figured we could talk about my ambition for once. I want to write scores for movies. Scores are the bee's knees!

ANNA KENDRICK

(wrinkles nose in disgust)

SKYLAR ASTIN

You clearly haven't been exposed to any cinematic masterpieces like I have, so I brought some movies for us to watch together. You probably aren't familiar with any of them.

(reaches into backpack and retrieves E.T., Jaws, The Breakfast Club, Rocky, and FUCKING STAR WARS)

ANNA KENDRICK

I hate movies.

SKYLAR ASTIN

Seriously? Well, despite the fact that you always act disinterested and stuck up toward me, I still like you.

ANNA KENDRICK

(rolls eyes)

SKYLAR ASTIN

Oops, looks like we've been talking for almost 5 minutes! Time for me to go.

(disappears)

The BELLAS then compete in a RIFF OFF against other a cappella groups. They lose, but their performance is slightly more bearable because they use MUSIC FROM THIS DECADE.

ANNA KENDRICK

As thrilling as it is to do the exact same performance at every competition, I think we should embrace my favorite music style instead: mash-ups!

ANNA CAMP

ACA-FUCK YOU! QUIT TRYING TO SABOTAGE OUR VICTORY!

ANNA KENDRICK

Jesus, it's just a suggestion. After all, you thought it was a good idea to perform "Turn the Beat Around" at a frat party.

ANNA CAMP

Look Miss Aca-Smartypants, we can't use mash-ups! We'd have to get the rights to use two songs instead of one, and we don't have the budget for that! We already had to resort to hiring the poor man's Anne Hathaway!

ANNA KENDRICK

Poor man's Anne Hathaway? Who-- oh, you mean me.

The BELLAS then perform at REGIONALS with the EXACT SAME ROUTINE the audience has already seen TWICE. Afterwards some of the singers get in a FIGHT. ANNA KENDRICK and REBEL WILSON try to break it up, and REBEL accidentally breaks a window with a TROPHY. She runs away and ANNA is ARRESTED instead.

EXT. POLICE STATION

SKYLAR ASTIN

Hey, I bailed you out of jail. Also I called your dad because I was worried about you.

ANNA KENDRICK

Now my dad will realize how stupid it would be to let me move to LA! I hate you, you ruined everything!

SKYLAR ASTIN

Shouldn't you be mad at Rebel Wilson? You know, since she broke a window and then let you take the heat for it.

ANNA KENDRICK

GIRLZ RULE AND BOYZ DROOL!

SKYLAR ASTIN

Goddamn it, enough of the girl power bullshit! You don't have to tear down men to be a strong woman! It's possible to have solid female AND male protagonists co-exist--

(disappears)

CUT TO:

INT. AUDITORIUM

The BELLAS are at the SEMI-FINALS. They perform the EXACT SAME ROUTINE we've seen THREE TIMES now. The audience is VISIBLY BORED. The audience on-screen is VISIBLY BORED TOO.

ANNA KENDRICK

Screw this.

ANNA sings "Bulletproof" instead of her original lyrics. Although the slight change is a welcome departure from their TYPICAL MONOTONY, the BELLAS don't advance to NATIONALS.

ANNA CAMP

WHAT THE ACA-FUCK WAS THAT?!

ANNA KENDRICK

My bad, I just wanted to remind everyone how much I love mash-ups. What do the rest of you inexplicably mute gals think?

ANNA CAMP

THIS IS NOT AN ACA-MOCRACY! THIS IS AN ACA-TATORSHIP!

ANNA KENDRICK gets fed up with ANNA CAMP'S SHIT and QUITS. Everyone MOPES around and FEELS SORRY FOR THEMSELVES until someone CONVENIENTLY DISCOVERS one of the a cappella singers going to nationals is a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. The group is DISQUALIFIED, so the BELLAS can now COMPETE BY DEFAULT.

INT. UNIVERSITY GYM

The BELLAS are at practice. BRITTANY SNOW and the others decide to stand up to ACA-TATOR ANNA CAMP.

BRITTANY SNOW

It's finally dawned on me that maybe you're not the best leader of this group. You're too controlling.

ANNA CAMP

ACA-WHAT?! I CAN LOSE CONTROL ANY TIME I WANT!!

ANNA CAMP projectile vomits everywhere to PROVE HER POINT. The Bellas start FIGHTING. Suddenly ANNA KENDRICK appears.

ANNA KENDRICK

Uh, I just wanted to let you know I want back in the Bellas. If that's okay with you, Anna.

ANNA CAMP

(hesitates)

Oh, alright.

The BELLAS then SIT IN A CIRCLE and TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.

ANNA CAMP

Ladies, I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the aca-cooter. I'm a perfectionist because I have daddy issues.

ANNA KENDRICK

I get it. Mine gets on me too.

ANNA CAMP

You're talking about the same dad who offered to financially support you in LA if you just pretended to give a shit for a semester?

ANNA KENDRICK

Ugh, dads are the worst, am I right?!

They continue their group therapy session, during which they confess to being TIRED CARICATURES. Later they practice singing by MASHING-UP SONGS.

CUT TO:

INT. AUDITORIUM

The BELLAS perform at NATIONALS and use a different routine for the FIRST TIME IN THE MOVIE. The judges are so relieved that the BELLAS WIN! Backstage, ANNA KENDRICK and SKYLAR ASTIN have an OBLIGATORY RECONCILIATION.

ANNA KENDRICK

We did it! We combined comedy, romance, music, and a predominantly female cast- and the audience loved it!

SKYLAR ASTIN

Or another way to look at it is you made a mash-up of Glee and Bridesmaids that was just as generic and uninspired as the musical style your character was so fiercely determined to perform.

END