FADE IN:

EXT. PITTSBURGH

LOGAN LERMAN (V.O.)

Today's my first day of high school, and so far it's about as enjoyable as chemotherapy. I'm super bummed that no one has befriended me, even though I make no effort to engage in conversation and always have my nose in a book.

(looks on pitifully)

On the bright side, I'm becoming fast friends with my English teacher, Paul Rudd.

PAUL RUDD

I don't get paid enough for this shit. Don't make it weird, kid.

LOGAN LERMAN

(sighs mournfully)

On the other hand, there's a cool senior in my shop class, Ezra.

EZRA MILLER

Helloooooooooo! I'm Ezra, and I'm theatrical. I'm also gay, but this is supposed to somehow be a surprise later on.

LOGAN goes to a FOOTBALL GAME and HANGS OUT WITH EZRA in the stands. He MEETS EZRA'S stepsister, EMMA WATSON.

LOGAN LERMAN AND AUDIENCE

(swoon)

EMMA WATSON

Aww, wook at da wittle freshman! Ezra, he's so cute, let's keep him!

LOGAN, EMMA, and EZRA go to the HOMECOMING DANCE. Afterwards they go to a PARTY.

EMMA WATSON

Logan, meet our edgy goth friend, Mae Whitman!

MAE WHITMAN

(glares at everyone)

LOGAN LERMAN

...Her? Is she funny or something?

LOGAN eats a POT BROWNIE that magically gives him a PERSONALITY. Later he walks in on EZRA KISSING football jock JOHNNY SIMMONS.

EZRA MILLER

I need you to keep this a secret. Johnny is still in the closet.

LOGAN LERMAN

You'd think he'd realize blowing off parties with his football buddies to hang out with the one openly gay student at school is going to raise a few eyebrows. Nevertheless I'll keep quiet.

EZRA MILLER

Great! Everyone, raise your Solo cups to Logan! He's a wallflower.

LOGAN LERMAN

What's a wallflower?

EMMA WATSON

We've interpreted it to mean "artsy misunderstood outcast who has way better taste than his peers."

LOGAN LERMAN

Ah, a hipster, got it.

LOGAN, EMMA, and EZRA DRIVE HOME from the PARTY. A SONG starts PLAYING on the RADIO.

EMMA WATSON

Oh my god, what is this song?! It's amazing! Ezra, drive through that tunnel!

EMMA climbs out the BACK OF THE TRUCK and STANDS UP with her ARMS SPREAD OPEN.

EMMA WATSON

WOOOO! I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!

LOGAN LERMAN (V.O.)

I'm now madly in love with Emma. I have to find that tunnel song! Then she'll see how perfect I am for her. Good thing she doesn't have a boyfriend!

INT.: A TYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL PARTY MINUS ALL THE MAINSTREAM MUSIC

EMMA WATSON

Meet my boyfriend, Reece Thompson!

LOGAN LERMAN

Fuck. Well, is he at least a good guy?

REECE THOMPSON

Noooope! I'm a pretentious art snob and insufferable douchebag. I have absolutely no redeeming qualities.

LOGAN LERMAN

(to Emma)

Why on earth do you date this guy?

EMMA WATSON

We accept the love we think we deserve. Also, I want to change my image so that everyone will stop associating me with the character I played for more than half my life. So I'm doing a 180 from the smart, strong-willed young woman who made me famous.

LOGAN LERMAN

Oh, you mean Hermi--

EMMA WATSON

DON'T EVEN MENTION YOU-KNOW-WHO! That part of my life is over! I just want people to take me and my work seriously!

(takes a deep breath and composes herself)

Anyway, this is the new me! I party, have crippling self-esteem issues, and get crappy grades! In fact, I'm worried my abysmal SAT score won't get me into Penn State.

LOGAN LERMAN

I'll help you study for the next SAT.

EMMA WATSON

Hmm, a freshman with no experience taking the SAT giving me advice on how to pass? Excellent idea!

LOGAN and EMMA BOND over STUDY SESSIONS and MORE PARTIES with MUSIC NOT BY TOTAL SELLOUTS. LOGAN and his friends organize a SECRET SANTA GIFT EXCHANGE. EMMA invites LOGAN upstairs to her BEDROOM and gives him a TYPEWRITER.

EMMA WATSON

I figured you should start getting your angsty thoughts down on paper. Or maybe you could write something romantic. Hey, you should write about your first kiss!

LOGAN LERMAN

Actually, I've never been kissed.

EMMA WATSON

Aww, you're so innocent! I was first kissed at age eleven--

LOGAN LERMAN

Oh, great.

EMMA WATSON

--by my dad's boss.

LOGAN LERMAN

Well, that got dark.

UNPETURBED by this DISTURBING REVEAL of her TROUBLED PAST, EMMA KISSES LOGAN. EMMA then IMMEDIATELY runs back into the arms of REECE.

LOGAN LERMAN

Goddamnit.

MAE WHITMAN asks LOGAN to go to a SCHOOL DANCE with her. Afterwards MAE AGGRESSIVELY MAKES OUT with LOGAN, who PRETTY MUCH JUST GOES WITH IT.

MAE WHITMAN

Do you like me, Logan?

LOGAN LERMAN

(fantasizing about Emma)

Huh? Oh, sure thing, Egg- I mean, Mae.

MAE WHITMAN

Great! I'm so excited to be your girlfriend!

LOGAN LERMAN

What the hell just happened?

LOGAN RELUCTANTLY dates MAE because he's SCARED OF HER FEELINGS GETTING HURT.

INT.: YET ANOTHER PARTY

EZRA MILLER

Let's play Truth or Dare! Logan, I dare you to kiss the most beautiful girl in the room!

LOGAN KISSES EMMA. A PAINFULLY AWKWARD SILENCE ENSUES, as his GIRLFRIEND MAE is sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.

LOGAN LERMAN

I've made a huge mistake.

MAE BREAKS UP WITH LOGAN.

LOGAN LERMAN

Well, I'm actually kind of relieved that's over! Bullet dodged, am I right?

EZRA MILLER

Yeaaah, actually we're finally realizing it's kind of weird for you to hang out with us. I mean, we're all seniors who have been friends with each other for years. You're a freshman; you have 3 years of high school left. Plus you're a social pariah. You understand, don't you?

LOGAN LERMAN

(nods glumly)

INT.: SCHOOL CAFETERIA

LOGAN is eating lunch ALONE when three SENIOR FOOTBALL PLAYERS start BEATING UP EZRA. LOGAN approaches them but SUDDENLY BLACKS OUT. When he COMES TO the jocks are CRUMPLED on the GROUND. He runs OUTSIDE, and EMMA FOLLOWS HIM.

LOGAN LERMAN

What happened?

EMMA WATSON

You stopped them.

LOGAN LERMAN

Good enough for me! No need to elaborate on how my 150-pound self singlehandedly knocked out three athletes in peak physical condition. So, can we go back to being friends again?

EMMA WATSON

Of course! Now I can tell you my great news: I got into Penn State!

LOGAN LERMAN

Ten points to Gryffindor!

EVERYONE goes to PROM and GRADUATES except LOGAN, who AWKWARDLY TAGS ALONG for group photos like a SEVENTH WHEEL. After everyone LEAVES for COLLEGE, LOGAN has a MENTAL BREAKDOWN. After LOGAN is RELEASED, he goes to VISIT EMMA and EZRA.

INT.: DINER

EZRA MILLER

College is SO great! You're going to love it, assuming you make it out of this hellhole in three years.

EMMA WATSON

Guess what, Logan- my roommate found the tunnel song! It's called "Heroes," by this super obscure artist, David Bowie.

LOGAN LERMAN

(facepalm)

EMMA WATSON

Well, now that we're all caught up, we have to ditch you again.

EZRA MILLER

But we'll definitely come visit you if you have another next mental breakdown!

LOGAN LERMAN

I'm sad to see you guys go, but I'll be okay. After all, there are benefits to being a socially inept introvert.

EZRA MILLER

Yeah, what exactly are the perks of being a wallflower?

LOGAN LERMAN

You can use your experiences to write a book, then direct your very own film adaptation of it!

DIRECTOR/WRITER STEPHEN CHBOSKY

...No comment.

END