FADE IN:

INT. COURTROOM

A PRISONER WITH A BAG OVER HIS HEAD is brought into the courtroom to stand trial for being JOHNNY DEPP.

AUDIENCE

Bag on the head, it won't be Depp.

It's NOT.  It's KEVIN MCNALLY.  The JUDGE enters.

AUDIENCE

Judge's face isn't being shown, it'll be Depp.

It IS.  JOHNNY and KEVIN leave the courthouse together in the back of a paddywagon.

AUDIENCE

Camera won't show the outside of the wagon, so when they open the doors they'll find armed officials taking them into custody.

They DO.

AUDIENCE

(sighing)

Fucking unreal, this is going to be a long, long movie.

It IS.

INT. PALACE

JOHNNY DEPP is brought before YOUR HIGHNESS SIR RICHARD W. GRIFFITHS, DUKE ARCH TREASURER KING PRINCE ELECT OF WARFORDSHIRECHESTER.

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

Yoohoo! I understand you have a map to the Fountain of Youth.  I need you to find it for me.  And look who your captain will be, it's Geoffrey Rush!  From the other movies in this awful franchise!

GEOFFREY RUSH

Why the hell did I go from an Oscar-nominated nuanced character in The King's Speech to this hammy schlock?

DIRECTORY ROB MARSHALL

Payday, everyone! Here's your paycheck.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Oh right.  Er I mean, AVAST ME HEARTIES, THE BLACK PAAARL, SHE BE TAAAAKKK'N.

JOHNNY DEPP

The Black Pearl?  But that's a ship I cared about in the other movies, so it must be one of my very few character traits!  I must get it back!  Meep-meep!

DEPP escapes using a sequence that is shot as though it's a convoluted, carefully thought-out scheme, but is ultimately just him throwing a chair through a window and jumping out of it.

INT. TAVERN

DEPP finds that PENELOPE CRUZ has been impersonating him to find a CREW for her SHIP.

PENELOPE CRUZ

I am angry at you, Depp!  You took my virginity, which I make specific mention of to completely ruin the fun of wondering if you're secretly gay!  En guarde!

JOHNNY DEPP

Yay, a swordfight.  No way the audience can be getting sick of those by now.  Clang clang clang!

They FIGHT.  Then they KISS.  Then they FIGHT more.

PENELOPE CRUZ

Join my crew and take me to the Fountain of Youth so I can save my father, Ian McShanebeard The Pirate.

JOHNNY DEPP

Fine.  Where are Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley?  I'll be happy to join you and them with my hilarious sidekickery.

PENELOPE CRUZ

Actually, you're the main character in this one, not a sidekick.

JOHNNY DEPP

Ha, no, main characters have to grow and change as a film progresses.  I'm just a comic foil, savvy?

PENELOPE CRUZ

Sorry, you're it.  This is basically Donkey from Shrek getting his own movie.

JOHNNY DEPP

Quiet love, don't give Dreamworks any ideas!

BRITISH OFFICIALS break in and they FIGHT while HANS ZIMMER'S SCORE desperately tries to remind everyone of when they enjoyed watching the first movie.

JOHNNY DEPP (CONT'D)

Alright, I'll do it, Captain Jack Sparrow is what everyone enjoys anyway.

PENELOPE CRUZ

Please, the only thing I even remotely enjoyed in the last 5 years relating to Jack Sparrow was that SNL Digital Short.

JOHNNY DEPP

Ouch, beaten by Michael Bolton.

JOHNNY, PENELOPE, and IAN MCSHANE set sail for WHITE CAP BAY.  Also there are ZOMBIES, because why the hell not?

EXT. WHITE CAP BAY

IAN MCSHANE

Crew, in order to use the Fountain of Youth we will need the tear from a mermaid.

JOHNNY DEPP

Why?

IAN MCSHANE

Huh?  What do you mean, "why"?  Because we wanted mermaids in the movie, so their tears activate the thing we're trying to get.

JOHNNY DEPP

You can't just take every single aspect of a story and chalk it up to magic.  At some point the audience is going to need an explanation, they're not idiots.

IAN MCSHANE

This movie made over $90 million opening weekend.  Nobody ever went broke underestimating an audience.

JOHNNY DEPP

Point taken.  So how are we going to make these mermaids cry?

PENELOPE CRUZ

Just make them watch all four of these movies back to back.

JOHNNY and CREW meet some MERMAIDS.

NOT AMANDA SEYFRIED

Hello.  We're mermaids because this is as nude as we can get away with in a PG-13 movie.

ASTRID BERGES-FRISBEY

Also, we're vampires because Twilight made so much money. Hiss!

The MERMAIDS attack the CREW and there is a GIANT MERMAID BATTLE.  Eventually the Christian missionary, SAM CLAFIN, helps capture ASTRID.

ASTRID BERGES-FRISBEY

You seem different than the others.  Like maybe you've taken a bath in the last decade. Let's make out, my kisses taste like salmon.

SAM CLAFIN

I find myself strangely attracted to you.  And it's not because you're one of only two females in the movie and your entire species exists to seduce male sailors.  It's true love.

ASTRID BERGES-FRISBEY

Wow, how is it even possible for us to be more bland than Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley?  Did you ever think for even a second when you heard they weren't in the movie that you'd actually miss them?

They put ASTRID in a FISHTANK and walk to the FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.

INT. FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

After DEPP uses some more CARTOON PHYSICS and MAGIC BULLSHIT, he, PENELOPE, IAN MCSHANE, and his CREW discover the FOUNTAIN.

PENELOPE CRUZ

Why the hell do secret cavernous locations in these kinds of movies always have loads of direct sunlight?  Doesn't that mean there was an easier way in?

Suddenly, GEOFFREY RUSH and his CREW OF DANDIES enter.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Well swash me buckles, if it ain't Ian McShanebeard.

IAN MCSHANE

The one-legged man, who according to some prophecy will kill me.  Wait, seriously, a prophecy?  Whatever.

GEOFFREY RUSH

What say we settle this with a game o' wits, ye scurvey scoundrel?

(pause)

Just kiddin', let's be havin' ano'er bloody swordfight.

More pieces of plastic are bashed together while SOME POOR FOLEY ARTIST slams random metal objects around.  Eventually, OSCAR JAENADA and his SPANISH ARMY arrive as well.

OSCAR JAENADA

Spain has spent tons of money on a mission here so that I can destroy this fountain! Only God can grant eternal life!

PENELOPE CRUZ

Um, didn't your God make this fountain?

There is still more SWORDFIGHTING ending with GEOFFREY slicing IAN MCSHANE with a POISON SWORD.

PENELOPE CRUZ

Father, no!

(also sliced)

JOHNNY DEPP

The Fountain of Youth transfers life from one to another.  One of you must sacrifice yourself.

PENELOPE CRUZ

Father, you must save yourself!  I regret that my final act was to be in this steaming pile of shit, but at least my boobs were in 3D.

IAN MCSHANE

(drinking)

Okay, thanks honey!

PENELOPE CRUZ

Oh my God, I can't believe you actually did the thing I told you to do.  I'm so hurt.

JOHNNY DEPP

You know, I really ought to be the one drinking this stuff.  I literally swallowed an earring about twenty minutes into the movie, so it's been tearing my intestines to shreds over the last two hours.  Anyway, I switched the chalices, so now you're really super dead, Ian.

JOHNNY gets THE BLACK PEARL back and he meets up with KEVIN MCNALLY.

KEVIN MCNALLY

Ahoy, Johnny.  Did you know there are 9 people credited with the writing for this movie?  Fucking 9.  I honestly don't understand how people can stand these things.

JOHNNY DEPP

Indeed.  The only justification to watch this movie is PIRACY.  You know, all the piracy in the movie, that is.  Savvy?

THE PIRATE leaves white cap BAY.

DOTCOM.

END