FADE IN:

EXT. BILBAO, SPAIN.

PIERCE BROSNAN, looking oddly like a HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHER, meets with PATRICK MALAHIDE, MARIA GRAZIA CUCINOTTA, and various GOONS to recover SOME RICH DUDE’S MONEY.

PATRICK MALAHIDE

So, as my assistant will make clear, the money is all there.

MARIA GRAZIA CUCINOTTA

Would you like to look at my boobs?

PIERCE BROSNAN

Yes, yes I would.

Some JAMES BOND SHIT goes down. MARIA flees, leaving PATRICK dead.

PIERCE BROSNAN

He paid the iron price.

TINY POLICE CARS fill the streets, and PIERCE decides to RAPEL from the window, using a LIVING HUMAN as a counterweight.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Ah, Spain, where the window blinds are no joke, and the wooden tables come apart at the slightest touch.

He ESCAPES, somewhat SHAKEN, but UNSTIRRED.

INT. MI6 HEADQUARTERS, LONDON.

PROFESSIONAL RICH DUDE DAVID CALDER is killed by his BOOBY-TRAPPED MONEY.

PIERCE BROSNAN

I’ve been booby-trapped before. It wasn’t like that.

PIERCE pokes his head out of the GIANT HOLE in the side of the BUILDING. Waiting outside in a BOAT is MARIA.

PIERCE BROSNAN

What? Why wouldn’t you just leave? Actually, why are you outside in a boat at all? With a machine gun mounted on the back. In front of a government agency. In one of the busiest cities in the world. In broad daylight.

MARIA, seeing the sense in his words, FLEES. AGAIN. PIERCE steals a BOAT from R&D.

DESMOND LLEWELYN

Stop, stop! That’s my lunch! Is that the line? Fuck I’m getting old.

PIERCE drives the BOAT out of R&D on an INDOOR RIVER through a different HOLE in the side of the building which is TWO STORIES UP because IT JUST LOOKS AWESOME OKAY.

EXT. THE MILLENIUM DOME.

AFTER a THRILLING CHASE through the waters of the THAMES, MARIA abandons her BOAT, and decides she will ESCAPE VIA HOT AIR BALLOON. YES, YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY.

PIERCE BROSNAN

There’s no way you planned this! Come on, who’s really behind it?

MARIA GRAZIA CUCINOTTA

I can’t tell you!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Say it!

MARIA GRAZIA CUCINOTTA

Alright! It was Vold-

DEATH EATERS appear out of THIN AIR, and BLOW the BALLOON out of the sky. PIERCE tumbles down the DOME, sustaining a SHOULDER INJURY that will be SPORADICALLY REFERENCED WHEN USEFUL TO THE PLOT, and OTHERWISE IGNORED.

INT. TEARDROPS, OILFIELDS, NAKED SILLHOUETTES, YOU KNOW. JAMES BOND INTRO SHIT.

BARBARA BROCCOLI

I’ve watched "Dr. No"

And "Live and Let Die"

"A View to a Kill"

And "GoldenEye"

-

But now I want more

I miss the old thrill

So I’ll stop this franchise

From going downhill

-

"The World is Not Enough"

Is not balls-out enough for me to sate my lust

So I’ll amp up the nuts

And create something for the public to discuss

-

Yes, it may destroy

Pierce Brosnan’s career

But there’s worse jobs out there

Than singing in "Mamma Mia!"

-

Believe in my dream

And we’ll modify

A Korean colonel

Into a pale English guy

-

"The World is Not Enough"

Is not insane enough to relive the old rush

So let me work my stuff

Together we can make these films superfluous…

EXT. SOME CASTLE.

PIERCE BROSNAN and COLIN SALMON are PERVING IT UP over SOPHIE MARCEAU at DAVID CALDER’S FUNERAL

COLIN SALMON

Who’s that girl?

PIERCE BROSNAN

David Calder’s daughter. I like to have sex with people’s daughters.

COLIN SALMON

Yeah you do!

They HIGH-FIVE.

INT. MI6 REMOTE CASTLE MEDICAL CENTER.

SERENA SCOTT THOMAS

You’ve dislocated your collar bone, which could be a problem if the director says so.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Oh, Serena. Leave science to the men. Stick to being the most beautiful girl in the… room. In the whole wide room.

SERENA SCOTT THOMAS

That’s probably a good idea since my character’s name is, I shit you not, “Molly Warmflash.”

MOLLY. WARMFLASH.

INT. MI6 REMOTE CASTLE GADGETS ROOM.

A GUY IN A KILT indiscriminately fires AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON across a room FULL OF PEOPLE with NO SAFETY PRECAUTIONS to make sure we're all aware we're in R&D.

DESMOND LLEWELYN

You destroyed my boat. I was saving that for my retirement.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Does the extra-special MI6 pension plan kick in when you reach 130?

DESMOND introduces his successor, JOHN CLEESE.

JOHN CLEESE

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, here’s an avalanche jacket, fuck you.

PIERCE BROSNAN

I’m sure I won’t coincidentally need that later. One request, though. Could you build that technology into a jumpsuit? Nothing says “awesome spy” like a jumpsuit.

PIERCE does some RESEARCH on his LATE-90s TRIPLE TOUCHSCREEN MONITOR SETUP.

PIERCE BROSNAN

I can’t hear anything over the sound of how fucking baller I am.

INT. MI6 REMOTE CASTLE BRIEFING ROOM.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Hey Judi. Why’d you cockblock me out of Sophie Marceau’s file?

JUDI DENCH

Because I pay you to get results, not bang every pretty girl you see.

PIERCE BROSNAN

…Those aren’t mutually exclusive.

JUDI DENCH

Oh, hush, 007, it’s time for the briefing.

PIERCE BROSNAN

(whispering)

You sealed her file. And I want to get inside it. No one stops me from getting inside attractive women’s files.

SERENA briefs the room on RALPH FIENNES ROBERT CARLYLE using a GIANT X-RAY HOLOGRAM of his HEAD. Apparently, this is TOTALLY NORMAL.

SERENA SCOTT THOMAS

Robert was shot in the head before we’d accounted for all his Horcruxes, so he’s still alive. The bullet is killing off his ability to feel pain, moving through the medulla oblongata.

JUDI DENCH

The part of the brain that controls breathing and heart rate? The part of the brain that’s at the base of the skull, near the brain stem? You’re our doctor?

PIERCE BROSNAN

That’s my bad. I may have fucked her brains out earlier today.

JUDI DENCH

Pierce, Robert might be after Sophie Marceau and her oil pipeline. I want you to guard her. Stick to her like a shadow.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Aww yeah.

JUDI DENCH

Remember, shadows stay in front or behind. Never on top.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Oh don’t worry, I can get plenty done from behind.

EXT. AZERBAIJANI MOUNTAINS.

SOPHIE MARCEAU spends an ENTIRE SCENE talking about how everyone’s TRYING TO KILL HER, and then goes SKIING in a REMOTE LOCATION with a GUY SHE JUST MET.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

Hey, he was at my father’s funeral. I like to have sex with people who were at my father’s funeral.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Yeah you do!

They HIGH-FIVE. Unfortunately, their GLEE is CUT SHORT by an approaching group of PARAHAWKS.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Shit. You go that way. I’ll lead them into the trees.

THEY FOLLOW PIERCE, despite the fact that they’re SUPPOSED to be there to KILL SOPHIE.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Luckily for me, these parahawks seem to be filled with volatile explosives.

They ESCAPE to go have LOTS OF SEX. Another ACTION SEQUENCE ends with NO CONSEQUENCES.

INT. COLTRANE CASINO.

PIERCE PIERCES his way into a MEETING with ROBBIE COLTRANE.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Brosnan Pierce Brosnan! I have every reason to hate you.

PIERCE BROSNAN

And I’m going to be a dick to you this entire movie. We gonna have a problem?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Nope!

He proceeds to be a TOTAL BRO to PIERCE, and generally THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE.

EXT. BURNING ROCK PLACE.

SOPHIE’s security guy ULRICH THOMSEN meets with JEFF NUTTALL and - GASP - ROBERT CARLYLE, who grabs HOT ROCKS to demonstrate that he is STONE COLD.

ULRICH THOMSEN

Did you just melt your own hand skin for effect?

JEFF NUTTALL

How are you even walking around? It’s hard enough for me to jerk off with my arm asleep. Hey, can you still pound the salami, or what?

ROBERT shoots JEFF.

ROBERT CARLYLE

Ulrich, you will take his place. Assume his identity.

ULRICH THOMSEN

Alright, my time to shine.

ROBERT CARLYLE

Go to the secret nuclear test site.

ULRICH THOMSEN

Ahh, you want me to do some undercover work for you?

ROBERT CARLYLE

Well, I mean, I'm going, too.

ULRICH THOMSEN

Oh, okay. So, you want me to get things ready for you?

ROBERT CARLYLE

No, I'll be there by the time you arrive.

ULRICH THOMSEN

So, you’re just going to need my help?

ROBERT CARLYLE

Nah, I’ll have some guys there.

ULRICH THOMSEN

…

ROBERT CARLYLE

Don’t think about it too hard.

EXT. SECRET LANDING STRIP.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Heh.

PIERCE kills ULRICH and takes HIS place.

CARL MCCRYSTAL

What happened to Ulrich?

PIERCE BROSNAN

He was buried with work.

CARL MCCRYSTAL

Welp, good enough for this top secret terrorist mission.

EXT. NUCLEAR TEST SITE, KAZAKHSTAN.

PIERCE practices his RUSSIAN ACCENT in preparation for his UPCOMING ROLE.

PIERCE BROSNAN

(to himself)

Don’t forget who you are: the dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.

CARL MCCRYSTAL

That fat Scottish guy was supposed to be Russian?

PIERCE BROSNAN

Wait, are you talking shit about Robbie Coltrane? Cause only I get to do that.

They land. The DENISE RICHARDS part of the movie BEGINS.

DENISE RICHARDS

I’m a nuclear physicist! My name is Christmas Jones!

The FRANCHISE slides ever further towards INVISIBLE CARS and CAMEOS BY MADONNA.

DENISE RICHARDS

Hey, don’t be sexist! Hot girls can be nuclear physicists, you know!

PIERCE BROSNAN

I think the issue is more that you’re an appalling actress.

PIERCE infiltrates the TEST SITE, and APPREHENDS ROBERT.

ROBERT CARLYLE

Pierce, did you know Sophie Marceau was at my father’s funeral?

PIERCE BROSNAN

I was not aware of that, why do you ask?

ROBERT CARLYLE

Because I like to have sex with people who were at my father’s funeral.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Before he can PIECE IT TOGETHER, he is OUTWITTED by ROBERT’S superior technique of SHOOTING EVERYTHING WITH LOTS OF BULLETS. ROBERT escapes with a NUCLEAR BOMB OH SHIT.

INT. MI6 REMOTE AZERBAIJANI SITUATION ROOM.

PIERCE BROSNAN

I haven’t quite got it figured out yet, but Sophie… might be bad?

JUDI DENCH

How utterly ridiculous. Look, Robert just put a nuclear bomb in her pipeline.

PIERCE BROSNAN

It's funny you say that, because-

JUDI DENCH

If you say “I put a nuclear bomb in her pipeline last night,” I will have you killed.

PIERCE and DENISE INFILTRATE the PIPELINE to DISARM the BOMB.

INT. PIPELINE.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Someone’s stripped the screwheads.

DENISE RICHARDS

Someone’s tampered with the bomb!

PIERCE BROSNAN

…Yeah, I know. I just said that.

Despite EXPLICITLY POINTING THIS OUT, they have no problem OPENING the BOMB.

DENISE RICHARDS

Half the plutonium is missing! I can stop it from blowing!

PIERCE BROSNAN

No, let it blow. Blowing’s good.

They JUMP, hit SOLID METAL at 70MPH, and are TOTALLY FINE. The BOMB explodes inside the PIPELINE, wreaking HAVOC.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Seriously, just like last night. Except now Sophie thinks we're dead.

DENISE RICHARDS

Now we have the element of surprise!

PIERCE BROSNAN

…Yeah. I know.

This ADVANTAGE lasts exactly long enough for SOPHIE to reveal her PLAN to JUDI.

JUDI DENCH

Wow. The geopolitical, socioeconomic, racial, and feminist aspects of your motivation are legitimately fascinating, but…

SOPHIE MARCEAU

Too complex for a Bond film?

JUDI DENCH

Pretty much. Let’s get back to the explosions.

INT. KGB SAFEHOUSE, TURKEY.

After an ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT on ROBBIE, DENISE, and PIERCE via BUZZSAWCOPTERS, the LEAST CONSPICUOUS method of ASSASSINATION, they RECONVENE to PLAN.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Sophie and Robert are working together.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Well, that’s not good. I sold them a nuclear submarine a couple of weeks ago.

PIERCE BROSNAN

They want to use the reactor.

DENISE RICHARDS

That’s it! They want to-

PIERCE BROSNAN

Please stop talking.

They head to MAIDEN'S TOWER to SAVE THE WORLD.

But will it be... ENOUGH?

INT. MAIDEN’S TOWER.

PIERCE and DENISE are CAPTURED by SOPHIE and her GOONS. DENISE is put aboard the SUBMARINE, while PIERCE is tortured in a GARROTE CHAIR.

PIERCE BROSNAN

I should… warn you… I have… extensive experience… with bondage.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

Bondage, nice one.

PIERCE BROSNAN

(actual line)

You… meant nothing… to me…

One… last… screw.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

Damn, your commitment to punning is unwavering.

ROBBIE bursts in and KILLS ALL THE GOONS.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Rrrrrampage.

SOPHIE MARCEAU

(shooting Robbie)

C-c-c-combo breaker!

PIERCE BROSNAN

’Twas… beauty… killed… the beast.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

(dying)

You’re an ass.

Yet with his LAST BREATH, he FREES PIERCE from the CHAIR. TOTAL BRO. SOPHIE flees, but PIERCE soon catches her.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Why would you run upstairs?

SOPHIE MARCEAU

I just wanted to get you up one last time.

PIERCE BROSNAN

(shooting her)

That’s the spirit.

He DIVES to the SUBMARINE, already in HOT PURSUIT of his next CONQUEST.

INT. SUBMARINE.

VINCE OFFER

Hi, it’s Vince with NukeShop! You’re gonna be in a great mood for about a couple more hours, because you’re gonna be instigating an instant catastrophic nuclear meltdown with the NukeShop.

Now look, here’s 6 kilos of weapons-grade plutonium. Step one, you put it in this machine, step two, it breaks the whole thing down. And look, it’s doing all the work for you. Stop having a boring plan, stop being a boring man.

You’re gonna love my rod. Watch this, glowing hot rod, right out of the machine. Comes with a casing, so you can touch it. You know what they charge on the black market? Millions of dollars for plutonium rods on the black market. Stop throwing your money away.

Now, here’s the deal, when you buy the NukeShop, we’re going to give you the Weighty for carrying. Plutonium rods, in the container. Comes with a shoulder strap, watch this: easy on your back, nuclear fission. Terrorist mission. Decomposition. Pediatrician.

In JUST THREE EASY PLACEMENTS OF A WALTHER P99, PIERCE kills all of ROBERT’S BALD HENCHMEN.

ROBERT CARLYLE

Time for the final boss battle?

PIERCE BROSNAN

Actually, I thought I’d try something new.

ROBERT CARLYLE

How do you mean?

PIERCE BROSNAN

I’ve never impaled a guy with a rod before.

ROBERT CARLYLE

(chuckles weakly)

(dies)

PIERCE and DENISE escape the SUB, which STILL EXPLODES, but in a LESS BAD WAY.

INT. THE SEX ROOM.

PIERCE and DENISE are finally GETTING IT ON.

PIERCE BROSNAN

And I thought Christmas only came once a year.

DENISE RICHARDS

Hey, my name is Christmas!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Good, and…

DENISE RICHARDS

And I just came twice!

PIERCE BROSNAN

She’s almost got it…

DENISE RICHARDS

Oh! It’s a joke!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Heyyyy!

They HIGH-FIVE. And on that TASTEFUL NOTE:

THE END.

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN.

BUT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LIKE HOW.