FADE IN:

The MOVIE OPENS with SUPER-GRAINY OLD TV FOOTAGE of the 2001 OAKLAND ATHLETICS, partly to make everyone glad they paid extra to see this in a THEATRE, and partly to kick things off by giving everyone EYESTRAIN.

SCREENWRITER AARON SORKIN

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you the Oakland Athletics, a franchise with 9 World Series titles, third most of any team in baseball.

The footage ZOOMS IN and becomes EVEN MORE GRAINY.

SCREENWRITER AARON SORKIN

Their storied history includes 15 American League pennants and some of the greatest players the game has ever seen.

The ENTIRE SCREEN is now just ONE GIANT GREEN SQUARE and ONE GIANT YELLOW SQUARE.

SCREENWRITER AARON SORKIN

And here they are, in the playoffs yet again. Truly, these must be the most miserable, downtrodden wretches ever made to gargle the cruel spunk of Fate. Let us pity them for two solid hours, starting... NOW!

INT. BRAD'S BIG DRAFTING ROOM - 2002

BRAD PITT is holding a MEETING with his SEVENTY-TWO BALDING OLD SCOUTS.

BRAD PITT

Okay, listen up everybody. There's rich teams, then there's poor teams. Then there's 50 feet of crap. Then there's Cool World, then there's us. What I'm trying to say is that we've just lost three great players... Giambi, Damon, and Isringhausen... and we're totally screwed unless we can think of some bold new ideas.

ECCENTRIC OLD SCOUT

Sorry, Brad, we have nothing but OLD SCHOOL ideas. And just to make sure the audience understands that we represent the OLD WAY of thinking, we have an average age of 120.

SCOUT WHO IS QUITE OLD INDEED

Are we allowed to mention that we still have four other multiple-All-Star players?

BRAD PITT

Fuck no. Maybe a passing mention here and there but any more than that and it might undermine the whole premise of this thing. In fact, we'd better mention Giambi, Damon, and Isringhausen again, just to be safe.

CRUSTY VERY OLD SCOUT

Er, but we've already solemnly recited those names 35 times and we're only ten minutes in.

BRAD PITT

I don't care!

(to audience)

GIAMBI... DAMON... ISRINGHAUSEN. GONE. WE ARE TOTALLY DOOMED.

OLD KOOKY SCOUT

Well we might be useless as scouts, but at least we're kooky and engaging characters. We'd better scram for the whole rest of the movie, boys.

BRAD PITT

You do that.

INT. RIVAL TEAM'S OFFICE

BRAD PITT

Please, rival GM, give me one tiny-winy player who's not a complete fuckwit so that I can have the slimmest hope of someday winning it all.

RIVAL GM

(wiping ass with $1000 bill)

You mean someone to complement your half-dozen All-Stars and promising rookie first baseman?

BRAD PITT

WE DO NOT MENTION THEM.

Before RIVAL GM answers he gives a look to JONAH HILL. JONAH HILL whispers something to A GUY, who whispers it to ANOTHER GUY, who whispers it to THE PHILLIE PHANATIC, who whispers it to KHON-GORR, SPACE-SCOURGE OF THE GRIM PLANET EXODOOM, who whispers it to YET ANOTHER GUY, who whispers it to RIVAL GM.

RIVAL GM

Well Brad, I've thought it over, and fuck you.

The RIVAL GM and his ENTOURAGE ride off on an ENORMOUS TIDAL WAVE OF MONEY. BRAD PITT makes his FROWNY FACE and searches EVERY OFFICE CUBICLE ON EARTH until he finds JONAH HILL'S.

BRAD PITT

Dude, who ARE you?

JONAH HILL

So glad you asked. I have all these great ideas about baseball but nobody listens to me.

BRAD PITT

And yet I only noticed you at all because people were listening to you.

JONAH HILL

(pause)

Err-or... err-or... PAR-A-DOX... ERR-OR...

(smoke billows from ears)

BRAD PITT

Oh crap! CUT TO! CUT TO!!

CUT TO:

INT. PARKING GARAGE

BRAD PITT

Phew. All right, Jonah, tell me your awesome ideas.

JONAH HILL

Basically, instead of shelling out heaps of money on egomaniacal assholes, we should just hire players who can do their damned job.

BRAD PITT

(astonished)

That's crazy talk! To even think of doing such a fantastical scheme, you'd need some way of knowing which players actually produced more favourable results under varying conditions... and to know THAT, you'd need some kind of comprehensive historical record of the game expressed as variables and parameters, the very IDEA of which is just so mind-bogglingly implausible it makes me shit myself!

(pause)

You got anything else?

JONAH HILL

Not really. That's it.

BRAD PITT

Oh. Well, guess we'll try that then.

INT. OFFICE

BRAD PITT

I don't care what all you scouts say. I'm not going to build my team around multi-millionaire superstars any more, I'm going with scrappy unknowns!

HEAD SCOUT

That's pretty funny coming from the guy who gets equal billing with the title of the movie, makes $20 zillion a picture, and who is Brad Pitt.

BRAD PITT

Oh, HA HA FUCKING HA MISTER SMARTASS, congratulations, I just traded you to the Saw franchise.

HEAD SCOUT

(getting cut in half lengthwise by Rube- Goldbergesque deathtrap)

Asshole.

BRAD PITT goes out and ACQUIRES a BUNCH OF RANDOM PLAYERS that NOBODY WANTS, including SCOTT HATTEBERG, CHAD BRADFORD, and MICHAEL NOONAN OH SNAP 2002 IRISH GENERAL ELECTION SICK BURN!!!!

INT. CLUBHOUSE

TEAM MANAGER PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN stubbornly fields a CONVENTIONAL LINEUP and LOSES.

BRAD PITT

Philip, I need you to play my guys.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

No.

They KEEP LOSING.

BRAD PITT

Philip, please play my guys.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

No.

They LOSE SOME MORE.

BRAD PITT

Philip, for the love of fuck, play my guys. The whole audience knows you eventually will, that's why this movie even exists. So just do it.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

No.

BRAD PITT

Well, I just traded away all the guys YOU like.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Maybe I'll just play the new guys you traded them for.

BRAD

Well now I've traded all THOSE guys for 12 pepperoni pizzas, and I ATE them all, and I'm NOT taking a dump until you PLAY MY GUYS!! And I will especially single out Hatteberg at this time as ESSENTIAL to the starting lineup, everyone remember that!

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(sighs)

Okay, fine. You know Hatteberg can't play defence, right?

BRAD

(emphatically)

Defence. Doesn't. Matter!

They WIN A FUCKLOAD OF GAMES! We see highlights that include Hatteberg playing some good defence, because hey guess what, DEFENCE FUCKING MATTERS.

INT. GUITAR STORE

BRAD meets up with his 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, KERRIS DORSEY.

KERRIS DORSEY

How's it going with the team, Dad?

BRAD PITT

Pretty well actually. I may even be able to come to terms with my personal history of failure as a player.

KERRIS DORSEY

You're referring to how you had awesome stats as a prospect, but those stats utterly failed to predict your future performance, thus calling into question the dependability of statistics, right?

BRAD PITT

Er... no...?

KERRIS DORSEY

Well let me take your mind off it with my curiously professional-sounding singing/guitar-playing. For my next number, here's Lenka's "The Show", released just six years after the events of this movie.

BRAD PITT

Wow, neat! Say, don't suppose you could take a peek at some baseball almanacs from that year...

KERRIS DORSEY

I can only see the future of music, Dad. Sorry.

INT. BRAD'S OFFICE

JONAH HILL is patiently waiting for his next round of being the other guy in a conversation when BRAD PITT rushes in!

BRAD PITT

(excitedly)

Jonah, drop everything! I've found another player we absolutely must have!

JONAH HILL

Sure thing, who is it?

BRAD PITT

Damned if I know, he's never mentioned outside of this one scene, so let's just call him Taintface McCockblock. Quick, get me every GM of every sport in existence on the phone, and make sure at least half of them are named Steve.

JONAH HILL

Done!

BRAD PITT

(on phone)

Steve! Trade me McCockblock right now! I'll give you Steve's 53rd-round draft pick that Steve just swapped me for a pile of my own snot!

GM STEVE #7

(over phone)

I dunno Brad, that sounds like a bad deal for me.

BRAD PITT

(rapid-fire incomprehensible bullshit involving 72 phones)

GM STEVE #7

Okay, I'll do it, just stop already.

(hangs up)

BRAD PITT

(doing victory dance)

HA! You just got SORKINED, motherfucker!

JONAH HILL

Yay, another unheralded underdog for our collection!

(pause)

Would this be a good time to mention that five days ago in real life, we also traded for two-time All-Star Ray Durham?

BRAD PITT

NO IT WOULD NOT.

INT. STADIUM

JONAH HILL

This is so exciting to see my vision being brought to life. I can't wait for my rogue baseball strategy to win us the World Series!

BRAD PITT

Well we don't actually make it to the World Series. So instead the Big Dramatic Scene will revolve around whether we manage to win 20 games in a row to set a new league record, or only win a measley, pathetic 19 in a row like a bunch of incompetent assclowns.

JONAH HILL

Wow.

BRAD PITT

I'm leaving now because I never watch the games. I have this irrational fear that it might help me be good at my job.

They GO AHEAD 11-0! ANGELS HUG KITTENS AND EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL!

BRAD PITT

(deep inside 400-foot bunker, listening on radio)

I guess maybe I'll watch the game after all.

KANSAS CITY CATCHES UP TO TIE!! BLOOD AND FROGS RAIN DOWN FROM ABOVE, THE EARTH IS PLUNGED INTO A DARK VORTEX OF UTTER DESPAIR!!

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(fighting back horde of zombies)

Hey Hatteberg, go pinch-hit!

CHRIS PRATT (HATTEBERG)

What the hell? We spent half an hour on how important it was to get me into the lineup, and now it turns out that I didn't even start in this big huge important game?!?

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(struggling to resist demonic possession)

Don't get into that! If we lose, we'll have to deal with still being in first place with the opportunity to regroup and try winning again tomorrow! You must save us!!

ANNOUNCER

(surrounded by lava)

And here's Hatteberg to pinch-hit! Time to really show the power of statistical analysis and the superiority of the unconventional, small-ball strategy this team's been all about this year!

CHRIS PRATT

Fuck all that!

(hits double-grand-slam home run, shattering all windows in 25-block radius)

They WIN! THE SUN RE-IGNITES AND LOVE AND PEACE ERUPTS EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE'S CHILDHOOD DOG COMES BACK TO LIFE AND RUNS TO THEM IN SUPER SLO-MOTION!!!

CUT TO:

INT. BRAD'S OFFICE

BRAD PITT

That win meant nothing.

JONAH HILL

It didn't? Good thing we spent all that effort getting the audience emotionally invested in it, then.

BRAD PITT

Yeah, well. Because this team's already been in the playoffs a bunch of times, we need to be nothing short of unequivocal champions for this whole "moneyball" thing to mean diddly squat.

JONAH HILL

Huh, okay. Let's see how that turns out for us.

INT. STADIUM

OAKLAND LOSES to MINNESOTA in the PLAYOFFS!

MINNESOTA TWINS

Ha, we have beaten you, while ALSO having a much smaller payroll than the New York Yankees! Where the fuck is OUR movie?!?

INT. FENWAY PARK

BRAD PITT meets up with the BOSTON RED SOX OWNER.

RED SOX OWNER

I called you here so I could desperately try to tie this movie's story into some larger meaning about society and stuff. You see, sometimes visionaries like you try and change society, and it resists such change. Altering a NETWORK that binds our SOCIAL interactions can be THE hardest thing there is.

BRAD PITT

This is just embarrassing.

(leaves)

INT. BRAD'S OFFICE

BRAD PITT

I've decided to stay in Oakland and keep trying to win here, with our awesome new system.

JONAH HILL

But now everyone knows it works, and they'll stop undervaluing players and start outbidding you for the guys you want. You're back to being totally screwed.

BRAD PITT

Dammit, you're right! We've lost every advantage that we built this amazing season on.

JONAH HILL

(thinks)

Well, we do still have Miguel Tejada who just won MVP for his incredible season, not that we ever mentioned it. And our pitcher Barry Zito won the Cy Young, apparently while nobody was looking. I guess you could say we had the two best individual players in baseball during this year that was allegedly all about team play and the little guy.

BRAD PITT

And I guess you could shut the hell up before I trade you to that goddamn Air Buddies franchise.

JONAH HILL

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

END

EXT. RA INNINGS!!

INT. BRAD'S CAR

BRAD PITT puts in a CD he got from KERRIS DORSEY.

KERRIS DORSEY

(on CD)

Hey, Dad. I was goofing around at the recording studio and thought I'd make you a fully-produced single of a song I just wrote. I got Tom Jones to sing it, and it's to the tune of "Thunderball". Enjoy!

CUE: THUNDERBALL ORCHESTRA

TOM JONES

(singing)

He... gets his runs,

From guys who walk...

He trades,

While big GMs just talk...

He wants his boys playing

In the fall...

So he'll win...

(battah-battah-SWING!)

with Monnnn...neybaallll...

VERSE TWO

He... knows his payroll's

Not the best...

He needs more wins

While spending less...

He knows the real winner,

Wins it all...

So he'll bank...

(battah-battah-SWING!)

on Monnnn...neybaall!!

BRIDGE

A...ny player who's cheap, he'll get...

He will trade any star,

Without regret...

VERSE THREE

His days of playing games are done...

But some day he'll win the last one...

'Cause he knows what to count on,

After all...

Outs and strikes,

(battah-battah-SWING!)

And Monn...eeyyy...

BAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WALK-OFF END