FADE IN:

INT. PROLOGUE - ROBERT DOWNEY JR.'S LAB

We see lots of IRON MAN SUITS EXPLODING because as we learn later on, they are actually decorative PROPANE TANKS.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (V/O)

Sometimes your actions affect the future in mysterious ways. Ways that no one could ever foresee. Like sometimes when you are a total dickweed to people, they do mean shit to you later. Life is subtle like that.

INT. SCIENCE SYMPOSIUM - SWITZERLAND - 1999

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. uses the full breadth of his formidable acting powers to portray an irresponsible, substance-abusing horndog coasting on his charm in the late 1990s.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Hey, everybody! Remember, I either wanna fuck you, or fuck WITH you, so don't be in the wrong group! C'mon people, I'm an Oscar nominee, where's my crack?! Someone blow me already!!

REBECCA HALL

Oh, I'm totally DTF.

NERDY GUY PEARCE

(nerdily)

Me, too! C'mon, she may be a hot babe, but I've got utterly ridiculous nerd make-up!

REBECCA HALL

Plus, I've got some killer bud in my room, like, it LITERALLY explodes. Which we'll also do to people later on, and I'm basically ready to spill the entire plot of the movie right now, if you like.

But instead, ROBERT decides to pull a PRANK on GUY and do a FUCK-'N'-DASH on REBECCA.

NERDY GUY PEARCE

Grr, Robert's childish practical joke is all the motivation I need to follow a path of pure evil for the rest of my life! From this day forth, I shall become... BAD GUY.

REBECCA HALL

Similarly, this one-night stand is all the motivation I need to ALSO follow a path of pure evil for the rest of MY life! Because the Marvel Universe literally revolves around Robert Downey Jr. at this point!

INT. ROBERT'S HOUSE – PRESENT DAY

ROBERT is sitting around at HOME and decides to test out his NEW TECHNOLOGY.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Engage slapstick mode!

Each individual piece of his NEW ARMOR launches itself straight at his JUNK, except the GLOVES which land on his HANDS and then punch his JUNK.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Looks like I'm planning to fund my next armored suit by winning America's Funniest Home Videos. Hey, speaking of getting kicked in the crotch, where's Gwyneth Paltrow?

GWYNETH PALTROW enters, very ANGRY about SOMETHING, it doesn't really matter WHAT.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Robert, you're a thoughtless selfish asshole!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Engage Downey charm!

GWYNETH PALTROW

I love you so much! Have sex with me right now!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

This scene will only get better the next three times we do it.

INT. UNKNOWN TERRORIST LOCATION

TERRORIST MASTERMIND BEN KINGSLEY is working on his entry to the 1983 MTV VIDEO AWARDS.

BEN KINGSLEY

(terroristly)

We are a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world! G.I. Joe will never defeat me! COOOOOOOOOOOBRA!

BAD GUY PEARCE

Dude, tone it down! You're going to give away the big twist. Now, since I'm obsessed with cloaking myself in total anonymity, what's the most out-of-character thing I could possibly do?

BEN KINGSLEY

Head down to Gwyneth Paltrow's office and personally rub her face in your evil super-soldier technology?

BAD GUY PEARCE

Perfect.

INT. GWYNETH'S OFFICE

BAD GUY PEARCE meets with GWYNETH PALTROW inside an enormous squat office building played by JON FAVREAU.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Make it quick, Guy, I'm in the middle of a crucial project. It may cost us millions of dollars and require our most cutting-edge technology, but I am getting that goddamn Sexiest Woman Alive title if it kills me.

BAD GUY PEARCE

Very well.

BAD GUY WHIPS OUT a giant 3D projection of his BRAIN.

GWYNETH PALTROW

(draping herself all over Guy)

Wow, that's quite an impressive organ you've got there.

BAD GUY PEARCE

...and that's how we use our super-fast-healing potion to create evil super-soldiers. Any questions?

GWYNETH PALTROW

Sorry, I couldn't hear you over my lady-boner.

BAD GUY PEARCE

Damn it! How many times are we going to have to explain our evil plan straight to the heroes' faces before they get that we are evil?

GWYNETH PALTROW

(checks script)

Five.

(pause)

So that whole brain map thing will be important later, right?

BAD GUY PEARCE

Not really. The only point of most of these first-act scenes is so we didn't have to start the movie with second-act scenes.

INT. RESTAURANT

ROBERT has some WINGS with DON CHEADLE while dozens of fellow patrons completely IGNORE the guy who flew a nuclear missile through a wormhole and defeated an alien army and that's nice and all but CAJUN DUST BONELESS BITES AT HALF PRICE, OKAY?! LITTLE BUSY HERE!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh dear, I feel all PTSD-y suddenly. Can't stand being out of the house... must go put on armor... which is parked outside, all opened up, in plain view, where any asshole could load it into a truck and take it.

DON CHEADLE

Yeah, remember last movie when the government was saying you couldn't be trusted with this technology? How you were all irresponsible and shit? And we made THEM look like the bad guy?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh come on, NOBODY remembers the last movie. The audience probably thinks "Iron Man 2" was just an alternate title for "The Avengers".

INT. ROBERT'S HOUSE

ROBERT is back to sitting around at HOME. GWYNETH PALTROW enters, very ANGRY about SOMETHING, it still doesn't matter WHAT. But there's a giant INFLATABLE BUNNY this time, so that's different.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Robert, you're a thoughtless selfish asshole!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Enga-

JON FAVREAU

(interrupting)

Um, shouldn't we go after the bad guys at some point?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Fuck off, Jon. You're not directing this one.

JON FAVREAU

No, seriously. There's a terrorist blowing up Americans all over the world! Isn't that exactly the kind of thing that "Iron Man" is supposed to care about? And in the first movie, actually DID care about?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Well it turns out we can have CGI armor mishaps and romantic squabbles without even leaving the house.

JON FAVREAU

Fine! If you refuse to go outside and engage the plot, I'll just have to go do it myself!

JON, despite being COMIC RELIEF, personally tracks down the EVIL SUPER-SOLDIERS while the actual HEROES continue NOT GIVING A SHIT.

JON FAVREAU

Ah ha! Mercenaries are being turned into super-soldiers who are also living time bombs! What a surprise!

AUDIENCE

Dude, we've known that for A WHILE now. We've just been waiting for you to catch up.

JON FAVREAU

Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have given up the director's chair. That does it, I'm taking ov--

DIRECTOR SHANE BLACK blows up JON FAVREAU! In response, ROBERT heroically calls a PRESS CONFERENCE.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I am so deeply distraught by what happened to Jon that I'm finally going to get off my ass and do something! I hereby challenge Ben Kingsley to fight me!

(pause)

But only if he'll come to me, because fuck if I'm leaving the house for anybody. And to prove I'm not scared, here's my address!

REPORTER

Um, do you seriously think your home address is a secret? The huge ostentatious cliffside mansion that you, a public figure, drive to in nothing but expensive sports cars? In a country with 800 paparazzi per celebrity? Dude, any rimjob that can type "TMZ.com" knows where you live.

INT. ROBERT'S HOUSE

ROBERT is, you guessed it, sitting around at HOME. GWYNETH PALTROW enters, very ANGRY about SOMETHING, and it still doesn't matter WHAT.

GWYNETH PALTROW

You're a thoughtless selfi-

REBECCA HALL

(barging in)

Holy fuck. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just can't take this scene one more time! If you refuse to investigate the plot, I'm just going have to show up at your house and blurt it all right out.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Check it out, current girlfriend Gwyneth, it's a past conquest of mine! I totally nailed her back in her "Seventh Heaven" days, soon after her breakthrough role in 1997's "Ulee's Gold". Aren't you impressed?

REBECCA HALL

Er, you do know I'm not Jessica Biel, right?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

C'mon, these movies do nothing but spooge money faster than Marvel can gulp it down. I think we can afford Jessica Biel.

REBECCA HALL

(exasperated)

Just listen to me! Guy Pearce and Ben Kingsley are working together. They've taken my research and--

AUDIENCE

We know! This is the third time you've explained it! Just blow something up already!

ROBERT's HOUSE is obligingly blown up by TERRORIST MISSILES!

AUDIENCE

Yay!!! Now let's see Robert kick some ass!

ROBERT is immediately DEFEATED and THROWN IN THE OCEAN. But luckily, his ARMOR springs to life and FLIES HIM OFF at the EXACT INSTANT that GWYNETH and REBECCA and ALL THE BAD GUYS are all looking THE OTHER WAY.

EXT. TENNESSEE

The ARMOR crash-lands in a SNOW BANK because CONNECTICUT gave THE SOUTH its WEATHER for CHRISTMAS. ROBERT takes shelter in a WORKSHED where he's found by 12-year-old TY SIMPKINS.

TY SIMPKINS

Gosh, mister! I'm a lovable little scamp who probably reminds you a lot of yourself at this age--

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Shut up before I vomit and make you eat it, you little snotrag.

TY SIMPKINS

I love you! Be my new daddy.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

No-one can resist the Downey charm. Remember, kids, always trust strange older men who show up in your garage with cool toys!

TY SIMPKINS

Seriously, adopt me. This town sucks balls.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(thinking)

There's a reason the armor had a flight path for Tennessee. Oh yeah, so I can find the mother of one of exploded super-soldiers and explain to the audience for a fourth time how the dangerously unstable super-soldier formula works.

INT. REDNECK BAR

ROBERT finds the MILITARY MOM, who has a FILE FOLDER.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Excuse me, ma'am, but I need THE FILE.

MILITARY MOM

(suspicious)

Why should I give you THE FILE?

EVIL CHICK

(bursting in)

I will kill you all unless I get THE FILE!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(heroically)

No, you musn't take THE FILE!

TY SIMPKINS

Okay, what the fuck is this file and why does it not matter before or after this scene?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Don't you see, it's THE FILE!! FILE-HAVING FIGHT TIME!!!

Unarmored ROBERT recklessly attacks the EVIL SUPER-SOLDIERS!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Hmm, if I defeat two of these super-soldiers with my bare hands, it's not going to ruin any sense of threat when I eventually face them in full armor, will it?

TY SIMPKINS

Um, yeah.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Too bad!

ROBERT defeats the SUPER-SOLDIERS with a hidden PALM-BLASTER that apparently he had all along but didn't want to use TOO EARLY because blockbusters gotta log those ACTION MINUTES.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Thanks for the help, kid, but I gotta bounce.

TY SIMPKINS

Any ideas what I should do when the super-soldiers heal and wake up even angrier than before?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I dunno, maybe you could try stealing THEIR movies, you little shit.

(drives off)

EXT. HIGHWAY

Robert calls IRON CHEADLE on his magical cell phone that can reach anyone anytime anywhere.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Hey Don. Your star-spangled Iron Man armor uses Guy Pearce's technology, right? And you're wearing it now, correct?

IRON CHEADLE

Yep, and yep!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Great! Give me your password to one of Guy Pearce's satellites.

IRON CHEADLE

Of course! My password is FUCKYOUTERENCEHOWARD. Now, is there anything you'd like to tell me about Guy Pearce while we're on the phone together? Say, that he's super evil and I should get out of this corrupted death-trap armor right the fuck now?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Nah.

IRON CHEADLE

Oookay... hey, how's it going with that international terrorist you're fighting? You need any help with that? From maybe me, or S.H.I.E.L.D., or Hulk, or...

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I'm good.

(hangs up)

IRON CHEADLE

Asshole.

ROBERT finds a random STAN LEE CAMEO EVENT and uses its computers to hack into BAD GUY's satellite, which immediately shows him a HIGHLY CONDENSED, WELL-EDITED HIGHLIGHT REEL of BAD GUY's plan, as satellites naturally DO.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Okay, fifth time's the charm! I think my super genius brain FINALLY understands Guy's evil plan. Now I can go stop him, but first I should make a quick stop at Home Depot to MacGuyver myself some homemade tasers and joy buzzers and stuff.

AUDIENCE

Hey, you know what's easier than making your own taser? Buying one.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Whatever. If I was gonna do that, I might as well just buy a gun.

AUDIENCE

Um, yes. That. Go do that.

He DOESN'T.

INT. MIAMI

ROBERT invades BAD GUY HEADQUARTERS, single-handedly defeating all the NON-SUPER-POWERED SOLDIERS, and coming face-to-face with TERRORIST MASTERMIND BEN KINGSLEY!

BEN KINGSLEY

Whoa, dude. Got any dope? Home-spun if you have it.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

What a twist! You're no mastermind after all, just a washed-up theatre hack!

BEN KINGSLEY

Yeah. For some reason, we thought it was a good idea to put an aging, drug-addicted actor in an Iron Man movie.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(awkward pause)

Suddenly BAD GUY captures ROBERT!

BAD GUY PEARCE

Har har! I've also captured Don Cheadle with a secret handshake, and kidnapped Gwyneth Paltrow thanks to a clever ruse by the star of "Blade: Trinity" and "The Rules of Attraction"!

REBECCA HALL

(gritting teeth)

Guy, for the last time--

BAD GUY PEARCE

(not listening)

All the heroes are at my mercy! Now let's spin the Wheel of Reasons Supervillains Refuse to Kill the Hero...

The wheel flies past "WANT YOU ALIVE TO SEE MY TRIUMPH", slows down at "HIGHER-UP VILLAIN WANTS TO KILL YOU PERSONALLY", inches past "SECRETLY A FAMILY MEMBER", and lands on "I WANT YOU TO JOIN ME"

BAD GUY PEARCE

So what do you say, Robert? Wanna play for the other team?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Dude! I already said I'm not going to have sex with you!

BAD GUY PEARCE

Perhaps you forget who's in charge now. As a reminder, watch helplessly as I gun down the 1997 recipient of the Young Artist Award for Best Performance in a Feature Film! Farewell, Mrs. Timberlake!

REBECCA HALL

GODDAMN IT I'M NOT--

(is shot)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(resolutely)

You can murder the stars of 2005's "Stealth" all you want, Guy, I still won't join you.

BAD GUY PEARCE

Well, how about if I inject Gwyneth with the super-soldier serum, which I can't imagine biting me in the ass later on! NOW will you cross over?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Let's see. So far you've killed a bad guy and given a good guy super-powers. I figure if I just stall for time, you'll eventually form the Defenders and frag Thanos for me. So, no thanks.

BAD GUY PEARCE

Hrmph! Well perhaps Don Cheadle will be more receptive to my homocoerciveness!

(storms off)

INT. ELSEWHERE INSIDE BAD GUY HQ

IRON CHEADLE is being poked at by GUY'S henchmen.

BAD GUY PEARCE

Stand back, I know how to get him out of there.

(begins rubbing Iron Don's belly)

Who's a good Iron Don? WHO'S A GOOD IRON DON?!? WHO'S A GOOD BOY??? WUGGA WUGGA WUGGA!

DON CHEADLE

(laughing)

HEE HEE OKAY QUIT IT HERE'S THE SUIT TAKE IT HEE HEE HEE

(pause)

I guess we should have a big, badass fight now?

Instead BAD GUY BREATHES FIRE at DON, knocking him out.

BAD GUY PEARCE

Now I'll just leave you unguarded to regain consciousness deep in the nerve center of my operation! Meanwhile we'll go after the President, which is a thing villains do.

BAD GUY leaves, taking GWYNETH and all his SUPER-SOLDIERS with him. With NO ONE OF INTEREST left to fight, ROBERT'S ARMOR in Tennessee finally POWERS UP and sends PIECES OF ITSELF to the rescue! SEMI-IRON ROBERT defeats the remaining guards and finds DON.

DON CHEADLE

We're definitely calling in S.H.I.E.L.D. now, right?

SEMI-IRON DOWNEY JR.

Pfft. Are you kidding? They're filled with TV actors now. We're big movie stars.

DON CHEADLE

Good point. I guess we should call the President, at least.

SEMI-IRON DOWNEY JR.

Oops, I misdialed and got Vice President Miguel Ferrer instead. I'm sure that's good enough.

CUT TO:

INT. HEAD OFFICE OF "BUY 10 PLOT THREADS, GET ONE FREE" INCORPORATED

VICE PRES. MIGUEL FERRER

So yeah, I'm evil.

(does fuck-all else)

CUT TO:

INT. AIR FORCE ONE

BALDY McHENCHMAN, wearing IRON CHEADLE'S ARMOR, takes over the plane!

IRON BALDY

Har, now I'll shove the president in the Iron Patriot suit, but I'll still be in control of it somehow! Even after it leaves and I'm busy fighting Iron Downey!

FULLY IRON DOWNEY, JR. arrives and fights BALDY, eventually blasting a HOLE RIGHT THE FUCK THROUGH HIS CHEST!

IRON DOWNEY JR.

Well, that's the end of HIM! No amount of super-soldier formula could ever repair a gaping hole in the center of your chest, and please everybody forget that by the end of the movie, okay?

EXT. OIL PLATFORM IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN

The PRESIDENT is brought to BAD GUY inside the IRON CHEADLE suit, which is now just fucking with people for its own amusement, or something.

BAD GUY PEARCE

Now I'm going to make it look like Ben Kingsley killed you, even though I should be fully aware that Kingsley's cover has been blown. Bwahaha!

Outside, ROBERT and DON plan their attack.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh, by the way, I turned all 41 other Iron Man suits into autonomous drones and they're on their way.

DON CHEADLE

What?! You just now thought of that? You could have done that at any time! Like right after you issued the challenge to Ben Kingsley! Or the second you arrived in Tennessee! Or when you drove to Miami to single-handedly attack the bad guys with a homemade stun gun!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Shit, I never really even had to leave my house in the first place! Damn it all!

All the IRON MAN SUITS arrive and attack a bunch of RANDOM EVIL SUPER-SOLDIERS WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, because DRONE STRIKES against FACELESS ENEMIES is exactly the kind of brainless popcorn escapism we were craving.

Meanwhile DON rescues the PRESIDENT with his SUDDEN SPIDER-MAN POWERS, but NO ONE really CARES. ROBERT tries to rescue GWYNETH, but EXPLOSIONS and GIRDERS happen and she PLUMMETS to her FIERY DOOM!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Noooooooooo! How tragic! How horrible!

(pause)

Is anyone buying that she's really dead? No?

BAD GUY PEARCE

Now you're trapped, Robert! As soon as I get over there, I'm going to kill you with my bare hands!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

It's a good thing you can't spit fire or something and kill me from a distance.

BAD GUY PEARCE

Shit, I totally forgot I can do that.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Too late! My Lego armor has finally arrived! Time to suit up!

SUPER-POWERED BAD GUY and FULLY ARMORED ROBERT finally FIGHT!

For like HALF a SECOND!

BAD GUY PEARCE

Bwahaha! I have defeated you! Now you die!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Wait! I've got one last trick!

ROBERT surrounds EVERY INCH OF GUY'S BODY with an ARMORED SUIT and TOTALLY BLOWS HIM UP, achieving NOTHING!

BAD GUY PEARCE

RAAARGH! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME ROBERT! Because I AM the Mandarin!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Phew, I'd hate to be fighting the guy who just killed the love of my life WITHOUT him having a goofy supervillain name.

But SUDDENLY, SUPER-POWERED GWYNETH throws ONE EXPLOSIVE at GUY and somehow DOUBLE-INFINITY BLOWS HIM UP, which DEFEATS him!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Gwyneth, you're alive!

GWYNETH PALTROW

Yup, the Extremis super-soldier thing regenerated me. And, somehow, my sports bra.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Well, I now realize it was paranoid and foolish of me to build all that extra armor, even though it just saved all our asses. And even though we know FOR A FACT that hostile alien armadas could attack Earth at any time, who needs 40 Iron Men when you got Hawkeye, amirite?

(loudly)

Disembodied Voice of Paul Bettany, detonate all the suits!

PAUL BETTANY

Even the one currently propping up a load-bearing part of the platform?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

ESPECIALLY that one!

IRON CHEADLE

(flying President to safety)

Wait, isn't my armor just one of Tony's old suits with a new paint j-

(explodes)

All the IRON MAN SUITS burst into PRETTY FIREWORKS! ROBERT and GWYNETH share a HUG while SUPERVILLAINS EVERYWHERE pop open CHAMPAGNE and host CRIME-SPREE-PLANNING FUCK PARTIES.

EXT. RUBBLE OF ROBERT'S HOUSE

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (V/O)

So I fixed Gwyneth so she won't overheat and blow up now. I also fixed my heart shrapnel and the gaping hole in my chest, because I realized something...

(ultra-dramatic pause)

I AM this franchise. Me, Robert Downey Fucking Junior. You hear that, Marvel? Get the damn checkbook ready.

END

INT. BONUS SCENE!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

And now for the traditional post-credits surprise... I was narrating to Mark Ruffalo the whole time! Exciting, huh?

(pause)

Look, it was either that or an Ant-Man teaser.

MARK RUFFALO

(waves)

Hi, everyone. So does Gwyneth still have super healing and fire powers? Because hello, spinoff!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Who the fuck cares because it's not me.

MARK RUFFALO

Fair point. So now that you've fixed the Extremis formula, I assume you've made it available to the public, right? We've made injury and disease a thing of the past?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Of course! NOT doing that would make me an enormously raging douchebag, and I learned that lesson in the original Iron Man.

(pause)

And Iron Man 2.

(pause)

And The Avengers.

MARK RUFFALO

Wow, that sure makes life in the Marvel Universe WAY less dangerous, exciting, and dramatic. Congrats!

MARVEL STUDIOS

Oops.

(pause)

Well, maybe nobody will notice. It's not like EVERY summer movie will introduce a magical super-healing substance and then leave it hanging...

(watches Star Trek Into Darkness)

GODDAMMIT.

END