FADE IN:

EXT. MANHATTAN BEACH, CA

JOHN CUSACK is picking his children up from his ex-wife, AMANDA PEET.

AMANDA PEET

Please allow me to remind you of a number of things about our children in order to establish that you're out of touch with them since the divorce.

JOHN CUSACK

How could you leave me?  I held a boombox playing "In Your Eyes" above my head and everything.

AMANDA PEET

John, I wouldn't come back to you if you were the last man alive on Earth!  Eh?  Eh?  Foreshadowing!

Their kids, LIAM JAMES and MORGAN LILY, get into JOHN'S LIMOUSINE.

JOHN CUSACK

Is everyone excited for this camping trip, which is a completely believable thing for me to be doing?

LIAM JAMES

We're taking your limousine over a thousand miles to Yellowstone National Park?  Are you TRYING to piss Al Gore off?

MORGAN LILY

Just promise us you won't work on your next novel for the whole trip, Dad.

JOHN CUSACK

Jesus, I'm a writer too?  Were two pieces of paper stuck together when Roland Emmerich pulled me out of the "Disaster Movie Character" hat?

Meanwhile...

INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON, D.C.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is meeting with OLIVER PLATT and PRESIDENT DANNY GLOVER.

DANNY GLOVER

I was told you needed to speak with me urgently.  What's going on?

OLIVER PLATT

Danny Glover is the president?

DANNY GLOVER

Yeah, Roland wasn't sure if McCain or Obama was going to win when he started casting, so he just merged them together and got me.

OLIVER PLATT

I see you've forgotten how to act, too.  Great.  Anyway, Chiwetel has something urgent he needs to tell you.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Oh... my... God...

OLIVER PLATT

He says that his predictions about the earth's crust collapsing were wrong, and the end of the world is starting now.

DANNY GLOVER

I'm too old for this shit!

EXT. YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK

JOHN CUSACK works on his LAPTOP while his kids fantasize about growing up to star in better movies.

LIAM JAMES

Dad, there are mosquitos everywhere!

JOHN CUSACK

Awww, are you worried about being itchy?

LIAM JAMES

No, I just know Roland Emmerich doesn't have the attention span to put mosquito bite makeup on us for more than two scenes.

MORGAN LILY

I've put on my pull-ups that have absolutely no relevance to the plot, so I'm going to bed.

They SLEEP.  JOHN discovers WOODY HARRELSON broadcasting nationally from his RV at the next campsite over.

WOODY HARRELSON

Hey there.  I'm a crazy, paranoid, drug-addled weirdo who likes to rattle off crackpot nonsense incessantly!

JOHN CUSACK

Wow, what an odd character!

WOODY HARRELSON

Character?

JOHN CUSACK

So what are you doing?  Besides making me question the usefulness of the FCC, I mean.

WOODY HARRELSON

Oh, well I have a show about how the world is ending soon.  I made a little cartoon about it on my computer that will explain everything, take a look.

JOHN CUSACK

It says I need Silverlight installed.

WOODY HARRELSON

So install it!

JOHN CUSACK

It says I need to reboot the computer.

WOODY HARRELSON

Oh fuck it, listen up.  The ancient Mayans had a very advanced calendar system, but it stops on December 21, 2012.  Of course, it cycles like any other calendar, but that didn't stop the Western myth that the Mayans predicted the end of the world on that day.

JOHN CUSACK

Ha, that sounds like the insipid plot of a shitty disaster movie!

WOODY HARRELSON

Now that you mention it, it does!  Now we just need a divorcee trying to win back his wife to complete the cliche!

JOHN CUSACK

Ha, yeah!  Wait, what?

CUSACK gets a call from AMANDA PEET about an EARTHQUAKE and drives back to CALIFORNIA in half the time it takes to drive from, say, WYOMING, to, for example, CALIFORNIA.

AMANDA PEET

Hey, thanks for bringing them back early, their new daddy and I both appreciate it.

JOHN CUSACK

No problem, they were kind of getting in the way of Daddy's Laptop Time anyway.

THOMAS MCCARTHY

Hey John!  Want to come in and eat some pancakes?  I always work up an appetite for pancakes after a night of buttfucking your ex-wife.

JOHN CUSACK

No thanks, Thomas.   I have to get to work, I'm going to be late.

AMANDA PEET

How can you be late for work?  We just acknowledged that you came back a day early no more than 20 seconds ago.

A DISTURBINGLY BAD ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IMPERSONATOR says that there will be no more EARTHQUAKES, so another one starts immediately.

JOHN CUSACK

Alright everyone! Get into the limo before we all get fucked!

AMANDA PEET

This reminds me so much of prom night.

They speed away as the UNIVERSE COLLAPSES two inches behind their vehicle.

Eventually they get to an AIRPORT and steal a PLANE.

JOHN CUSACK

Thomas, can you fly this thing?

THOMAS MCCARTHY

No, but I'll try if it keeps me in the movie.  I'm surprised my character survived past the initial earthquake to be honest.

They fly away as the UNIVERSE COLLAPSES two inches behind their vehicle.

Meanwhile, YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK turns into a GIGANTIC VOLCANO AND BLOWS THE FUCK UP.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON, D.C.

PRESIDENT DANNY GLOVER is talking with OLIVER PLATT and CHIWETEL EJIOFOR.

OLIVER PLATT

Sir, we need you to get on Air Force One right away.  The Vice President has already been killed in the volcanic ash cloud in Philadelphia.

DANNY GLOVER

You mean the ash cloud that started in Wyoming but has not yet reached Las Vegas?

OLIVER PLATT

That's the one.

DANNY GLOVER

Does Roland Emmerich not own a map or something?

DIRECTOR ROLAND EMMERICH

Some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as.

DANNY GLOVER

I've decided to stay behind and address the nation.  I'd like to start out with something that I think everyone of all religious persuasions can appreciate: a reading from the Christian bible.

There are about a BILLION scenes in which estranged family members reconcile their differences in their final moments over the phone.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

How the fuck are all of these phone lines still working?

EXT. LAS VEGAS

JOHN CUSACK, THOMAS MCCARTHY, AMANDA PEET, and the two kids land.  JOHN finds his boss, ZLATKO BURIC.

JOHN CUSACK

Zlatko, you're fat and Russian, surely you have a plan to get out of here.

ZLATKO BURIC

Bvvkaakwwvaalpwwwbda.

JOHN CUSACK

Perfect, Thomas is a pilot!  Let's go to China!

ZLATKO BURIC

Kavvookplbbuddwka!

Everyone gets into a BIG PLANE and they fly away as the UNIVERSE COLLAPSES two inches behind their vehicle.

There are more VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS!  And more EARTHQUAKES!  Then a TSUNAMI!  And a FLOOD!

JOHN CUSACK

Jesus, did someone write the screenplay after discovering the 'Disasters' menu in SimCity?

AMANDA PEET

You got a screenplay?

THOMAS MCCARTHY

I have bad news everyone.  We were planning on refueling in Hawaii, but for some crazy reason a giant volcano turned out to be an unsafe place to be during the end of the world.

JOHN CUSACK

If only China would move to our current location!  Just kidding, that idea is idiotic.

It DOES anyway.  They land in THE HIMALAYAS.

AMANDA PEET

Great, now we're stuck in the mountains in the middle of the night.  We have no shot at being rescued.

A RESCUE TEAM shows up.  They take ZLATKO and leave.

AMANDA PEET

Fuck.  Well there's absolutely no way on earth that would even happen again within a few minutes.

SOMEONE ELSE comes by and grabs everyone else.

They all travel to a TOP SECRET EMERGENCY FACILITY and find giant BOATS.

JOHN CUSACK

Boats, huh?  Disappointing.  For some reason I was expecting spaceships.  I'm not sure why, but I was.

They all sneak onto a SHIP.  Meanwhile thousands of other people, including ZLATKO BURIC, crowd a ship begging to be let on board.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

We have to let these people on board!  My cabin is large enough for fifty people!

OLIVER PLATT

You're an idiot, we don't have enough food for that many people.  Seriously, why am I the bad guy?  I'm the only person thinking fucking rationally.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Everyone, I beg you, let everyone on board.  We must show humanity, we can't leave anyone behind!

(pause)

Unless they didn't know about the secret boats in the first place.

(pause)

Or if they knew but couldn't afford a ticket onto one.

(pause)

Or if they could afford a ticket but couldn't make it here in time.

(pause)

But definitely nobody else!

Everyone is allowed in except ZLATKO, who DIES for being a FAT JERK.

JOHN CUSACK

Ha ha, fuck that guy for being rich and helping pay for the ship we're now using to survive!

AMANDA PEET

Oh John, I've fallen back in love with you!  Let's reunite our family!

THOMAS MCCARTHY

Him?!  Dude, I flew us out of certain doom three fucking times and you pick Lane Meyer here?

AMANDA PEET

I'm sorry Thomas, but you wear glasses and in a Roland Emmerich movie that means you're a nerd.

The SHIPS withstand the flood and ensure the survival of SELF-CENTERED RICH ASSHOLES, some CHINESE STEEL WORKERS, and ONE FAMILY.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1

Pfft, I can't believe people buy that Mayan Calendar bullshit.  Everyone knows the world is only going to end after the battle of "Aqabat Afiq" when Allah destroys all non-Islamic nations.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2

Oh, you mean when the Kingdom of Israel is restored and the Jewish exiles return to rule?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3

Wait, are you guys talking about when Jesus returns to Earth, defeats the Antichrist, and takes all of the Christians up to heaven with him?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1

...

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2

Mayans are so stupid.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3

Totally.

END