FADE IN:

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS and his ENORMOUS GANG OF EXTRAS face LIAM NEESEON and his ENORMOUS GANG OF EXTRAS. We zoom in on a few faces of NEESON'S GANG so we can notice they have lost their loyalties later.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

While modern day America believes its past is filled with great leaders and a simplistic history, the truth of the matter is that its sprawling cities, like New York, were built on the blood of those who fell to control them.

LIAM NEESON

Yes, blood. And intestines and various internal organs. Like tounges and eyeballs.

They fight and KILL THE HELL OUT OF EACH OTHER. A young LEONARDO DICAPRIO watches on in horror as his father, LIAM NEESON, is stabbed by DANIEL DAY-LEWIS.

YOUNG LEONARDO DICAPRIO

No! Liam Neeson! You can't die!

LIAM NEESON

(coughing)

Train the boy. He is the one who will bring balance to the force.

(dies)

YOUNG LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Now I vow to someday murder surprisingly three-dimensional villain Daniel Day-Lewis, but only after I start to like him.

FADE TO:

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK - 15 YEARS LATER

LEONARDO DICAPRIO emerges, slightly porked up, his hair long, sporting a pathetic attempt at a goatee.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I also have a comical Irish accent, which I will use to narrate to nobody in particular for no particular reason.

HENRY THOMAS

Hello, Mr. DiCaprio. I am the young boy who tried to help you when you were younger. I can serve as your guide to New York.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Hmm. Hey, aren't you... Yeah, you're Elliot from E.T.!

HENRY THOMAS

(angrily)

No, I am Johnny Sirocco. I am a thief in 19th century New York.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Didn't you grow up to become a porn star?

HENRY THOMAS

No, that was Scott Schwartz.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Wasn't he in Flashpoint?

HENRY THOMAS

Yes. Anyway, let me run through a list of the local gangs so quickly that you can't possibly comprehend them: aqweuofu isoer rsd oaso dehq auhfwiuhas yeuhiuahwieudgegr.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

That was helpful. Where is the man who killed my father?

HENRY THOMAS

The butcher shop. You will also note that many of the men from your father's gang are alive and some are even working for Daniel Day Lewis. Truly, ethnic allegiance is often less powerful than ones own instinct for self preservation.

LEONARDO meets DANIEL DAY-LEWIS.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Greetings. It's a pleasure meeting you, Mr...

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Uhh.. Dawson. Jack Dawson.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Pleasure meeting you. Prove your worthiness by beating the snot out of one of my irritating bald henchman.

He DOES.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Well done. Let me take you under my wing as a surrogate son. While I may sometimes appear complex and even almost likeable, don't forget, I'm a racist and a murderer. If you need a reminder, just look at my ridiculous moustache. I can see you're trying to grow one of your own. That's cute.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO is indoctrinated into the ways of 19th century New York, coming to fully understand the political and social corruption that taints our past.

Also, he meets CAMERON DIAZ.

CAMERON DIAZ

I'm another thief, but I won't patronize the audience with a silly attempt at an accent. Sleep with me, Leonardo DiCaprio.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I dunno, you seem to have sex with everyone.

CAMERON DIAZ

Not everyone. I haven't fucked your friend, Henry Thomas. I mean, I watched E.T. like a hundred times, that would just be... weird. Besides, he has enough sex, I hear he does porn.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

That's Scott Schwartz.

CAMERON DIAZ

Oh. Well, whatever. Have sex with me, I bet you're just as good as Daniel Day-Lewis.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

What? I'm not interested in his sloppy seconds.

(pause)

Wait, yes I am.

He sleeps with her. DANIEL DAY-LEWIS sleeps with three or more women at once and therefore wins.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Today is the anniversary of the day I killed Liam Neeson. I sure do miss him - he and I were very similar, and torn apart only by fate. I respected him a great deal and honor him every chance I get. He was a great man.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

God, what an asshole. It's time to finally kill him. I've had dozens of opportunities to kill him before, but that wouldn't have been as dramatic or ill-timed as killing him now.

He tries to kill DANIEL DAY-LEWIS and FAILS.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

You! You're that DiCaprio twit! Why do you keep getting involved in overly long movies more concerned with historical accuracy than developing sympathetic, interesting characters?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Every time period needs a pretty boy.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

You are cowardly to attack me in this way, and less of a man than your father. I actually make a strong point here, but don't forget, I'm the villain. Notice the moustache.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO declares himself head of LIAM NEESON'S OLD GANG. Support is rallied on both sides, and eventually, the rival gangs fight, but not before LEONARDO DICAPRIO leads a crusade to get Brendan Gleeson elected to the Sheriff's office.

AUDIENCE

What the fuck does this have to do with anything?

Eventually, it concludes, having accomplished little more than wasting twenty minutes of the lives of everyone in the audience.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

So, back to this war we're fighting?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Right. Let's murder each other tomorrow.

All of the gangs meet to fight, but the government invades and shoots everyone, unfairly using guns and discarding the traditional rules of combat. Everything EXPLODES.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Daniel Day-Lewis, you killed my father and I must exact my revenge, but in my quest for vengeance and political reform, I have lost sight of our common enemy: powerful, rich, white men.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Truly, the cause of all of life's problems.

LEONARDO stabs DANIEL DAY-LEWIS and mourns the loss of everyone who died to control New York. Except the BALD GUY - he fucking sucks.

We watch as old New York transforms slowly into the city we know today, as touching patriotic music swells in the background.

AUDIENCE

I am so proud to be an American, now that I fully understand how the luxuries in my life were paid for by the sweat, tears, and blood of feuding gangs, the corruption of politicians, and the greed of men, from the common to the privileged. U-S-A! U-S-A!

END