FADE IN:

INT. FAIRYTALE CASTLE

DAN STEVENS dances around in silly hoity-toity makeup while HATTIE MORAHAN delivers some NARRATION which is ALMOST but NOT QUITE the narration from the CARTOON.

HATTIE MORAHAN (V.O.)

Once upon a time there was a prince called Dan Stevens, who was NOT ten years old let’s be very clear about that. One night he - argh, look out, a rogue song!

(ducks)

STUPID COSTUME LADY

(to the tune of “Aria”)

Short pointless song

In a scene where it doesn’t belong

At least it’s less than one minute long

Still it’s so wrong that they force this horse piss

In with the real songs

(warbles unintelligibly)

An OLD WOMAN wanders into the BALLROOM of a PALACE which leaves one to assume that she did something HORRIBLE to the GUARDS.

HATTIE MORAHAN

The old woman asked for a room for the night. Naturally the prince didn’t allow some mysterious person off the street access to the royal palace, so she put a curse on the palace which destroyed the lives of everyone living there.

(pause)

Er, but the prince was also like this overtaxing tyrant or something, so he totes deserved it! That’s better, right? Oh yeah and let’s say that part of the curse was that everybody outside the palace forgot that the prince ever existed, might as well plug THAT little plothole while we’re at it.

EXT. QUAINT VILLAGE, INDETERMINATE NUMBER OF YEARS LATER (PRESUMABLY NOT TEN)

EMMA WATSON steps out the front door of her FARMHOUSE in the middle of a BUSTLING TOWN SQUARE, which is a totally logical place for a FARM.

EMMA WATSON

Now for a scene which is almost but not quite the "small provincial town" scene from the cartoon! Yes, this whole movie is going to be a distractingly close approximation, just deal with it.

(to the tune of "Belle")

There goes the baker with his tray, like last time

But slightly different as well

There's a lot that's just the same

To a point that's kinda lame

Which just makes the new stuff feel as wrong as hell.

She is ESPIED by LUKE EVANS and JOSH GAD.

LUKE EVANS

There she is, Josh, the most beautiful girl in town. I must have her! I don't care if she's all wilful and independent, or if she has no screen presence, or if her singing voice is autotuned all to crap. Only she is a match for my squinty rabbit-faced handsomeness!

JOSH GAD

I dunno, I always thought she looked kinda blandly pristine myself. But what do I know, I'm as queer as the day is long!

(puffs up chest)

Hear that, everybody? They put a GAY character in a Disney movie! Look! Look! WE'RE SO PROGRESSIVE!

(pause)

I mean, IMPLICITLY gay, obviously. We need to cover our asses here.

LUKE EVANS

Oh yeah, I'm sure the gay community is so stoked to be represented by the ugly, stupid, incompetent, ass-kissing villain henchman.

JOSH GAD

It's okay, they've taken out the stupidity and incompetence. And I'm not really villainous anymore, or an ass-kissing henchman, and even though I'm Josh Gad they've tried as much as possible to dial back the ugly. I'm not really anything anymore; "gay" is the only personality trait they've left me.

LUKE swaggers up to EMMA.

LUKE EVANS

Listen Emma, your anachronistic proto-feminism is never going to fly in this hick town. A conventional marriage to me might make your life easier, just saying.

EMMA WATSON

HOW DARE YOU... er, discuss that proposition with me in a rational, well-thought-out manner? Well, it's still a horrible idea, so no thanks.

LUKE EVANS

Well I'm disappointed but I'm not going to press the issue. Just think about it, okay?

EMMA WATSON

What the hell? You're supposed to be a meatheaded asshole! Did we decide that you were too entertaining a character or something? Next you'll tell me my father's not an absent-minded crackpot inventor anymore!

She goes home to her father KEVIN KLINE, a BORING MILD-MANNERED CLOCKMAKER.

EMMA WATSON

Wow. We don't have a fucking clue what we're doing, do we.

KEVIN KLINE

(to the tune of “How Does a Moment Last Forever”)

When’d Alan Menken lose his talent?

Can’t they see Tim Rice is a hack?

These new songs are garbage filler

Here to pad out the soundtrack

...Actually, you know what, fuck it. There's no way anybody remembers the tunes to any of these boring, shitty new songs. We're just gonna stick with the classic ones from here on out. Anyway, it's about time I headed into the woods to get the plot started.

EXT. CREEPY WOODS

KEVIN manages to get LOST in the WOODS. WOLVES chase him, and he ends up fleeing into a MYSTERIOUS CASTLE.

KEVIN KLINE

Oh hey look, there's a hot meal set out on this table! I'm just gonna assume that it's for me, even though not even I knew I was coming here.

A NEARBY HATSTAND

That's a good point, why DID we start cooking a meal an hour ago for presumably nobody?

KEVIN KLINE

AAGH, TALKING FURNITURE! Fuck this, I'm gonna choose death by wolf instead of whatever the hell this is!

(flees)

WAAAGH!! RUN RUN RUN BLAAAAGH oh look, roses. I'll just put a pin in that whole "mad panic" thing so I can pick a pretty flower for my daughter.

As he's picking a ROSE, he is pounced upon by a now-beastified DAN STEVENS.

CGI DAN STEVENS

YOU DARE PICK ONE OF THE MANY INDIVIDUAL FLOWERS GROWING ON MY VAST PROPERTY?! I WILL IMPRISON YOU FOREVER FOR THAT! THIS IS A VERY FLIMSY PRETEXT TO DRIVE THE STORY FORWARD, I MUST SAY.

KEVIN'S HORSE freaks out and runs back to TOWN, where EMMA finds him.

EMMA WATSON

Oh no, where's Dad? Take me to him, horse!

HORSE

I comprehend that spoken request and will willingly head back into wolf-infested forest. I am a WEIRD horse.

EMMA heads through the forest and into the CASTLE, where she finds DAN holding KEVIN prisoner.

EMMA WATSON

You can't keep my father locked up! Why, since I was to be the recipient of the stolen goods, logically it'd be me who should be punished for the theft. For a certain definition of "logically".

CGI DAN STEVENS

Are you sure you want to be imprisoned in your father's place?

EMMA WATSON

Uh, I didn't actually say that, I was just pointing out-

CGI DAN STEVENS

SO BE IT! Kevin, you're free to go.

KEVIN KLINE

Wait, aren't you gonna have that creepy spider-carriage take me back to town? It's just that, if you don't, then we'll have to have me leave my horse behind for no reason, and try and trek through the deadly wolf forest on foot.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Huh, true. Weird how tiny changes can lead to pretty big plot holes.

KEVIN KLINE

Oh well, I'm sure I'll be fine, even though I was only here in the first place because I got totally lost in that forest. Stay strong, Emma!

EMMA WATSON

Don't worry, staying strong is my schtick. You might think I'd be at least a little bit unnerved at being in a cursed castle full of possessed furniture, having been abducted by a monster, but if I ever show the slightest bit of fear or worry or agitation then I wouldn't be a Strong Independent Woman anymore.

KEVIN KLINE

Of course. Nothing ruins a strong female character like showing actual signs of humanity.

(leaves)

INT. ROWDY PUB

LUKE is moping at being rejected by EMMA.

LUKE EVANS

I'm disheartened, Josh. I don't suppose you could cheer me up with a rousing ballad celebrating my blustering violent ways and ridiculous He-Man physique, even though I haven't actually displayed any of those qualities so far this movie?

JOSH GAD

Whatever you say, dear! But we're going to swap out almost all the lyrics for different, less good ones, okay?

LUKE EVANS

What? Why?!?

JOSH GAD

(to the tune of "Gaston")

What'd they do to this song?

Why'd they screw with this song?

Why'd they send us a massive "fuck you" with this song?

These are lyrics the old film rejected

Look, don't you get it, you jerks:

They are WORSE than the ones they selected

They got rid of the crappy ones, THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS

Why'd they muck up this song?

Why'd they fuck up this song?

Cram a bunch of inferior suck up this song?

The contempt on display is infuriating

Man they destroyed... this soooong!

(pause)

And we're not even DOING the reprise. Fuck you ALL.

Suddenly, KEVIN bursts in.

KEVIN KLINE

Help me! My daughter's been abducted! And if I just gave you that much information and stopped there you'd probably take me seriously and help me out, but instead I'll mention the GIANT DOG MONSTER IN THE HAUNTED CASTLE!

LUKE EVANS

Hey, this inspires in me an evil scheme to get Emma to marry me! I'm going to blackmail her by threatening to have her father committed help her father out in the hope that then she'll like me more, wait, what? Wowww my character has been made super boring.

INT. CASTLE, THE PRISONER SUITE

DAN shows EMMA to her ROOM.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Here is your nicely-furnished private room, as opposed to the dank cell I had for my previous, elderly and male, prisoner.

EMMA WATSON

Ew. You might want to be more subtle about it if you’re gonna start trying to finagle your way into my pants.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Psh, that, ha! Me? Try to seduce you? What silliness! Incidentally you’re to have dinner with me tonight, as prisoners often do with their jailers.

EMMA WATSON

Fuck off, I’m not having dinner with you!

CGI DAN STEVENS

(pouts)

Fine then. Starve or whatever.

(sniffs)

EMMA WATSON

Shouldn’t you be roaring that at the top of your lungs while smashing furniture?

CGI DAN STEVENS

Definitely not! We want to avoid the “girl falls in love with unpredictable rageoholic” narrative that people have been making fun of for years. So now instead of a wild thing sent feral by years of seclusion and self-torment, I’m a surly git who sulks a lot.

EMMA WATSON

I guess that’s why now you don’t look like a four-hundred-pound warg, but a snooty flat-faced university dean with hypertrichosis. Is there a single character in this movie who’s going to make the transition un-ruined?

CGI EWAN MCGREGOR

(is a talking candlestick)

I’m not so bad, zut alors! They keep me pretty much the same as I was in the cartoon, right down to the outrageously fake French accent, mais oui, sacre bleu, deja vu!

CGI EMMA THOMPSON

(is a talking teapot)

Lawks, speaking of accents, ’ow am I so bad at doing cockney? Love a duck!

CGI IAN MCKELLEN

(is a talking clock)

Now don’t you worry about Dan’s no-dinner edict, we’ll put on a lavish banquet that-

EMMA WATSON

Wait, wait, stop. These aren’t the character designs we’re going with, are they? I’m not gonna sugar-coat this: you guys look really really stupid.

CGI EWAN MCGREGOR

(sighs)

We know, cherie. And now you have to sit through an entire musical number which plasters us all over the screen for like four minutes straight. We apologize in advance.

(to the tune of “Be Our Guest”)

We’re grotesque! We’re grotesque!

Not the least bit picturesque!

So half-assed, how’d these disasters

Make it past the drawing-desk?

Put a face on a cup

How’s that something you fuck up?

Why’d they give us all possession

Of a creepy, blank expression?

Spindly legs, tiny eyes

Facial features undersized

Did they mean for us to look this Kafkaesque?

We even look worse than

That flat-faced doofus Dan

We’re grotesque, we’re grotesque, we’re grotesque!

EMMA WATSON

Gross. And hey, isn’t this huge meal the exact kind of expensive decadent bullshit that we criticized Dan for at the beginning of the movie?

CGI EWAN MCGREGOR

Mais non, that was at the taxpayer’s expense, whereas we paid for this food by errrrr...

(scratches head-candle)

EMMA WATSON

Ah screw this. I’m gonna head off to the front door to walk out of here and go home the forbidden west wing!

(leaves)

CGI IAN MCKELLEN

Wait, come back! Not the west wing! AARON SORKIN’S DIALOGUE IS SO OVERWRITTEN!

INT. WEST WING

EMMA enters the WEST WING, where she finds a ROSE floating inside a bell jar.

EMMA WATSON

Ooh, a mysterious hovering artefact kept behind glass in the forbidden section of a cursed building, what a sensible thing to try and touch! It’s not like I’ve had any prior indication that Dan is psychotically overprotective about his roses or anything.

She goes to touch the ROSE, but then DAN shows up!

CGI DAN STEVENS

Hey, don’t do that.

(huffs, puts hands on hips)

EMMA WATSON

Oh come on, this is supposed to be the part where your unbridled rage sends me fleeing into the night! All you’re doing is being kinda pissy! Screw this, I’m done.

She runs outside and jumps on her HORSE, but then the WOLVES show up again, as they do when and only when the PLOT needs them.

WOLF

Hello, little girl! What’s your rush? YOU’RE MISSING ALL THE FLOWERS RRAARRR!!

Fortunately, DAN shows up and fights off the wolves before collapsing.

EMMA WATSON

Oh my god, Dan saved my life! I think! I mean, I guess it's entirely possible that he was just trying to recapture me, and when he caught up with me was like "Shit! Wolves!". But let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

INT. DAN’S BEDROOM

EMMA is tending to DAN, who is lying unconscious in bed.

EMMA WATSON

Ewwww, his chest hair looks exactly like teddy bear fur! Goddamnit people, this is the point of the movie where I’m supposed to start falling in love with him and this very much isn’t helping.

CGI EMMA THOMPSON

Well maybe it would ’elp if we explained that he had a troubled childhood, which of course completely excuses all asshole behavior.

CGI IAN MCKELLEN

This is also how we try to explain away that whole “how is it fair that the innocent servants got cursed too?” thing. You see, Dan was a nice child, but then his father’s influence made him an asshole, and we didn’t prevent it. Therefore we deserve to be cursed!

EMMA WATSON

You didn’t stop... the king. You, a bunch of servants, didn’t get all up in a tyrannical king’s face and tell him how to raise his son. Therefore you deserve to be cursed into household objects? Who in this version will eventually turn completely inanimate, i.e. DEAD?

CGI IAN MCKELLEN

As justifications go it’s pretty bullshit, I admit.

EXT. WOODS

Meanwhile, KEVIN is showing LUKE the way to the CASTLE.

KEVIN KLINE

...and then you take a right at this tree here-

LUKE EVANS

Holy shit, did we invent this whole new part of the story just to solve the "how did Gaston know the way to the castle" plot hole? Who cares! I'm losing my patience with you old man, in fact I may start raising my voice slightly like the evil villain that I am!

KEVIN KLINE

Look dude, you really need to step it up and get a lot better at being an asshole. Otherwise when you get all murder crazy in the climax it’ll be a completely abrupt and jarring character shift.

LUKE EVANS

Okay fine then, I guess I’ll punch your lights out and dump you hogtied in the woods to get eaten by wolves.

KEVIN KLINE

Well that’s even MORE of an abrupt and jarring-

(knocked out)

INT. LIBRARY

A fully-recovered DAN shows EMMA the CASTLE LIBRARY.

CGI DAN STEVENS

So here’s the scene where I give you thousands of books out of a desire to do something for you that will make you happy! If this is the cartoon. But since it’s not, instead it’s the scene where I boredly mention that there are some books here, then when you seem to like them I half-heartedly shrug and say you can have them, I guess.

EMMA WATSON

I see your character arc from “quiet moody guy” to “quiet moody guy who kind of likes a girl” is well under way. So now I guess we should get to the “Something There” scene.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Wait wait, not yet! First let’s have a scene where I show you my magic book that that evil enchantress gave me, which allows me to teleport wherever I want, and which will have no significance to anything in this entire story!

EMMA WATSON

A teleportation book? Are you telling me this enchantress put a horrible, possibly insanity-inducing curse on you, told you the way to break it was to get a woman to fall in love with you, then also gave you the power to magically enter any bedroom in the world at will? It’s a fucking MIRACLE you didn’t turn into the world’s most dangerous serial kidnapper-rapist.

(checks watch)

Sooo, “Something There” time? I got places to be.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Not yet! Now we’re gonna have a scene where we stroll the grounds and chat about crap.

EMMA WATSON

UGGGHH, why are we padding this part so mercilessly, this is so fucking BORING.

CGI DAN STEVENS

I assume they’re trying to not have us fall in love in the same crazily-accelerated fashion as in the cartoon.

EMMA WATSON

Okay, one: the fact that this whole thing is playing out concurrently with Kevin’s timeline means all this still takes place over the course of like a day and a half, we’re just showing more of it.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Huh, come to think of it, it’s weird that my wounds healed that fast...

EMMA WATSON

Two: none of these plot bandaids we’ve been slapping onto this movie do anything to address the key issue of me falling in love with the guy who is KEEPING ME PRISONER.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Well to be fair, without the Stockholm Syndrome thing the entire story sort of can’t happen.

EMMA WATSON

Thirdly and most importantly: NOBODY FUCKING CARES ABOUT THE PROBLEMS WITH BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. All the discussion about Beauty and the Beast’s flaws are universally framed as “Beauty and the Beast is awesome but if you think about it it’s kind of messed up”. NOBODY wanted them to go back and add on an hour of tedious extra material to paper over and explain away every little-

CGI DAN STEVENS

Fine, fine, “Something There” time, whatever.

(to the tune of “Something There”)

We want to fix what isn’t broke

So we must drag this section out til it’s a joke

As we take care of these “mistakes”

Just do your best to try and somehow stay awake.

INT. PUB

KEVIN, having been rescued from the WOLF FOREST, bursts into the PUB to confront LUKE.

KEVIN KLINE

You asshole, you tried to kill me for I have no idea what reason!

LUKE EVANS

What? That’s crazy. You’re crazy! Somebody send for the loony wagon to come take away this crazy person.

VILLAGERS

You got it, Luke.

(pause)

Although this scene heavily implies that we all kinda believe Kevin’s accusation, so why we’d go along with your obvious ploy to cover up your own murder attempt is beyond us.

(collectively shrug)

INT. BALLROOM

We finally get to the famous BALLROOM SCENE, which the audience is bound to enjoy more than ever now that they’ve been made SICK TO DEATH of romantic scenes.

EMMA THOMPSON

(to the tune of “Beauty and the Beast”)

Tale as slow as mud

Dull as it can be

Doesn’t help that they

Constantly display

Zero chemistry

He’s a mopey twat

She’s a Mary Sue

So why should we care

If this boring pair

Ever choose to screw?

CGI DAN STEVENS

Oh, I am so barely-perceptibly in love now! Is there anything I can do to make this night perfect for you, my sweet?

EMMA WATSON

Welll, I’m still not too thrilled about the fact that I’m separated permanently from my father, AHEM.

CGI DAN STEVENS

I see. While this would be the ideal moment to set you free, when there’s no urgent situation forcing my hand, instead I’ll just suggest you creepily spy on your dad with this magic mirror.

EMMA WATSON

(sighs)

Better than nothing, I guess.

(looks in mirror)

Aaaand a mob is chucking him into the nuthouse. Great.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Uh oh! Well then, NOW I’ll set you free, and we’ll try and pretend it’s romantic even though I’d be an asshole if I didn’t under the circumstances.

EMMA WATSON

All right, off I go! And instead of getting there instantaneously via the teleportation book, I’ll try riding home through the wolf forest which nearly got me killed last time.

(leaves)

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

LUKE is hustling KEVIN aboard the BOOBY HATCH EXPRESS, when EMMA charges in to stop him.

EMMA WATSON

Stop it, my Dad’s not crazy! There really is a beast. See him, in this tiny, dark, grainy magic mirror?

LUKE EVANS

(squints)

Is that what I’m looking at? That doesn’t really look like anything, but screw it, if you say that’s a beast, then now my entire motivation is to murder that beast! Anything to get some fucking momentum back into this movie!

(to the tune of “The Mob Song)

So you sat through all that

Slow and sentimental bullshit

Now let’s try and find a pace above “sedate”

For relief, here’s a brief

Bit of sorta-almost action

Though I fear it’s far too little far too late

So let’s bring on the G-rated violence

May it let them forget all our faults

No more sap, no more cheese

No more new melodies

No more fucking padding please

KILL THE SCHMALTZ!

The MOB lock up EMMA and KEVIN and head off towards the CASTLE.

EMMA WATSON

See now, if I’d used the teleport book to get here, I could also just teleport back and warn Dan right away. That stupid thing hasn’t done anything except create plot holes.

INT. CASTLE

The MOB burst into the castle, only to be attacked by the LIVING FURNITURE.

EMMA THOMPSON

Yes, attack those intruders, you large pieces of furniture made of wood and metal! And you know who should also fight in this battle? My nine-year-old son! Who is three inches tall and made of china!

Meanwhile LUKE slips upstairs to take on DAN.

LUKE EVANS

So here it is, the climactic showdown between two guys who never clapped eyes on each other until this exact moment! Dan doesn't even know who the hell I am.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Go ahead, shoot me. Emma walked out and now I’m all mopey and sullen.

(pause)

I guess that’s not really a noticeable change for me though.

LUKE fights DAN all over the ROOFTOP, which is COLLAPSING NOW for some reason. Then EMMA shows up.

EMMA WATSON

Hi Dan! I got free, and now I’m here to contribute to the climax, solely by being physically present at it.

CGI DAN STEVENS

Works for me!

(kicks Luke’s ass effortlessly)

Huh, apparently all I had to do to defeat Luke was to stop letting him win. Kind of unsatisfying.

LUKE EVANS

You think that’s unsatisfying? In the end the only thing that actually defeats me for real is random structural collapse.

(plummets to his death)

(oh right, but first he shoots and kills Dan)

EMMA WATSON

Oh no, Dan’s “dead”. How “tragic”.

(sighs)

Welp, guess we’ve got no choice but to sit around and wait out the usual Disney pretend-dead sob scene.

(checks watch)

CGI IAN MCKELLEN

(drums fingers)

CGI EWAN MCGREGOR

(takes nap)

Finally DAN comes back alive again, and in the process turns into NON-CGI DAN! And the various THINGS also turn human again, and the CASTLE comes UNCOLLAPSED, and everybody’s MEMORIES are restored and the WEATHER turns nice and FOX brings back FIREFLY and the AUDIENCE gets the past TWO HOURS OF THEIR LIFE back and EVERYTHING IS NAUSEATINGLY PERFECT NOW!

EMMA WATSON

Hooray, we have our happy ending! And we both learned a valuable lesson. I learned that I’m flawless in every way and don’t need to have a character arc because aren’t I wonderful!

DAN STEVENS

And I learned not to be a decadent asshole who spends all the taxpayers’ money on lavish dances. And what better way to demonstrate this lesson than ending the movie with another lavish dance, but this time with less silly makeup!

The movie mercifully ENDS, as DISNEY FANS EVERYWHERE try and figure out how to STOP THE ALADDIN REBOOT AT ALL COSTS.