FADE IN:

Cool, hip, alternative soundtrack blares in background.

EXT. HIGHWAY

RYAN PHILLIPE is driving an expensive car. He is rich. He is cool. He is hot. He likes to fuck.

INT. SARAH'S and RYAN's EXPENSIVE APARTMENT.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

I, too, am rich, hot and like to fuck. I am pretending to help Selma Blair fit into our upper-class school when in fact I am being a manipulative bitch.

(to Selma)

Come here. I'll teach you how to kiss.....

They kiss.

TEENAGE BOYS IN AUDIENCE

Bitchin'. This movie has hot lesbian action.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

....and fuck.

SELMA BLAIR

Um, like....what's a fuck?

RYAN PHILLIPE

I'll show you.

They fuck.

SELMA BLAIR

Oh. Now I too like to fuck.

INT. RYAN's ROOM.

RYAN PHILLIPE

I'm sick of fucking debutante sluts. I want to fuck you, Buffy. I mean sis.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

(licking her lips seductively)

You can't have me, but I'll make a deal.

(lick, lick)

If you can seduce Reese Witherspoon, the virginal headmasters daughter..

(lick)

then I'll fuck you.

RYAN PHILLIPE

(Now looking at Sarah's cleavage, completely ga-ga)

Duh......?

SARAH is now touching her breasts and RYAN's penis through his pants. This is obviously VERY seductive.

RYAN PHILLIPE AND ALL TEENAGE BOYS IN AUDIENCE

(thinking)

Goddam Buffy, I mean Sarah, is hot 'cos she can, like, touch a penis and herself at the same time. I TOTALLY want to fuck her.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

...but if you fail, you will give me your car.

RYAN PHILLIPE

(snapping our of Sarah's spell)

Yes. I'll be parking it in your garage.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Wow. This script is deep.

EXT. A MANSION IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

REESE WITHERSPOON is wearing white. Therefore, she must be a virgin. She too, is rich, hot and likes to fuck. Although she doesn't know it yet.

RYAN PHILLIPE

Hi. You're gorgeous. Let's fuck.

TEENAGE BOYS IN AUDIENCE

Wow. What a line.

REESE WITHERSPOON

No. Not yet....I have a boyfriend and besides, I have taken a vow of celibacy. I refuse to fuck unless I'm in love.

RYAN PHILLIPE

I love you, baby.

REESE WITHERSPOON

OK....let's fu...WAIT! We're only an hour into the movie! We have to stretch it out another hour!

RYAN PHILLIPE

Fuck.

INT. JOSHUA'S ROOM.

JOSHUA JACKSON is also rich, hot and likes to fuck - boys.

RYAN PHILLIPE

Hey Pacy, I mean Joshua. That new girl is playing hard to get. In order to justify your part in this movie, I need you to fuck one of Reese's friends so I can blackmail him into lying about me so I can fuck her so I can win a bet and fuck my sister who is trying to manipulate Selma into fucking everyone for revenge. It's a crafty, manipulative plan only the audience fully grasps at this moment.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Say what?.

JOSHUA JACKSON

Huh? Do I say my "blow-job" line yet?

RYAN PHILLIPE

By the way Joshua, won't playing a promiscuous, gay, drug dealing school boy affect your image on Dawson's Creek?

JOSHUA JACKSON

Hell no. I've dyed my hair so no-one will recognize me. Besides, we fuck plenty on Dawson's Creek anyway.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Holy shit!...Is that...It can't be...Shit, its like...that guy from Dawson's Creek!!

EXT. VARIOUS

RYAN and REESE smile sweetly at each other. They are FALLING IN LOVE. They don't want to fuck because they LOVE an RESPECT each other.

INT. INDOOR POOL IN UPSTATE MANSION

RYAN PHILLIPE

Look at my butt. Isn't it perky?

REESE WITHERSPOON

Dammit, why didn't you show me that before?

They fuck.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

It's about fucking time.

INT. SARAH'S ROOM

RYAN PHILLIPE

I have now fucked Reese but I don't want to fuck you anymore.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

But I want to fuck now!

Sarah cleverly manipulates everyone into fucking each other.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Goddam this is a fucking good movie. All they do is fuck. Perhaps, we, too should be fucking.

The entire audience fucks each other.

INT. REESE'S ROOM

REESE WITHERSPOON

Let's fuck.

RYAN PHILLIPE

No. I don't *sob* love you *sob* anymore cos my life is totally fucked up.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Fine. I'll fuck someone else.

Selma's black music teacher appears and they fuck.

EXT. STREET

Ryan is hit by a car

REESE WITHERSPOON

Ryan!! My Love!! Don't die, I want to fuck!

RYAN PHILLIPE

My....beautiful...face.....

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM

Sarah is sniffing cocaine

REESE WITHERSPOON

I'm gonna get revenge you manipulative bitch. Life can be a BITTERSWEET IRONY, baby.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

Fuck you.

EXT. SCHOOLYARD

All students are handed a manual about how to manipulate people into fucking you and anyone you want them to called "Cruel Intentions"

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Wow. What a clever use of props.

Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve starts playing in the background.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Wow. What a clever use of music.

Everyone fucks each other.

END