FADE IN:

EXT. STREETS OF MIAMI

SUPERCOPS WILL SMITH and MARTIN LAWRENCE are speeding recklessly down the FREEWAY, missing other cars by NANOMETERS, leaving a wave of CHAOS and PANIC in their wake!

WILL SMITH

Yowza, this is dangerous! But we must stop at nothing if we want to catch that psycho drug dealer or whatever!

(runs five red lights while driving against traffic blindfolded)

MARTIN LAWRENCE

No, we’re not chasing any bad guys. We’re just hurrying to the hospital.

WILL SMITH

Oh. Well then, hold tight buddy! I won’t let you die on me!

(ramps over schoolchildren)

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Nah, I’m just going there because my daughter’s having a baby.

WILL SMITH

...Seriously? That is absolutely not a dire emergency worth me risking the life of every driver and pedestrian in Miami.

(takes shortcut straight through public library)

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Oh well, good to see that our characters are still the obnoxious overgrown adolescents they were twenty-five years ago.

They arrive at the HOSPITAL, where MARTIN’S DAUGHTER clearly gave birth like AN HOUR AGO, so phew, good thing they hurried.

EXT. STREETS OF MEXICO

Meanwhile in MEXICO, an AMBULANCE speeds away from a PRISON.

PARAMEDIC

Patient is a middle-aged female, with wounds of some variety or other, presumably.

DRIVER

Wait, what? You didn’t check the nature or severity of her wounds before moving her?

PARAMEDIC

Nope. I just saw a woman lying there in a blood-soaked prison guard uniform and thought “Eh, she was probably stabbed or something, I dunno”, then tossed her in the back of the ambulance.

DRIVER

You idiot! haven’t you ever seen Silence of the Lambs?

KATE DEL CASTILLO

(popping up)

I obviously have!

NEWLY-ESCAPED CONVICT KATE DEL CASTILLO murders the AMBULANCE GUYS and then is picked up by her GANG LEADER SON, JACOB SCIPIO.

KATE DEL CASTILLO

Okay! Now that I’ve finally escaped after twenty-seven years in prison - through a method I presumably could have used just as easily twenty-six-and-a-half years ago - it’s time for us to revive our family’s drug empire!

(smashes Jacob’s father’s ashes, pulls out USB drive)

Here, this us the location of your father’s hidden fortune in cash.

JACOB SCIPIO

Wait, what the fuck? Who put that in there? I’m only just now finding out about it, you’ve been in prison until now, and I’d be very surprised if Dad managed to do it himself.

KATE DEL CASTILLO

I suppose there was somebody he trusted enough to give this valuable information... who then chose not to just give it to you a decade ago, but instead decided to wait until your father died in prison and then desecrate his remains. That was needlessly complicated of him.

(shrugs)

Oh well, who cares, the whole money thing isn’t really relevant anyway. The important thing is that we’re gonna kill all the people who were involved in sending your father and I to prison, ESPECIALLY that asshole cop Will Smith!

JACOB SCIPIO

Okay. Any reason THAT couldn’t have also been done literally decades ago?

KATE DEL CASTILLO

Look, this is when the movie is set so this is when everything has to arbitrarily happen, all right? Now go make with the murders.

EXT. BAR

WILL and MARTIN walk out of a bar after celebrating MARTIN’S GRANDFATHERHOOD.

MARTIN LAWRENCE

You know what, this kind of thing really makes you think. Should I still be running around getting into crazy high-octane gunfights and slow-mo explosions? I have something to live for now!

WILL SMITH

Whereas before when you only had a wife and daughter it didn’t matter if you got murdered by drug gangsters?

MARTIN LAWRENCE

I’m serious, man. I think we’re both getting too old for this shit. Let’s take the weekend to sober up then go in on Monday and tell them we’re through! That’s right, I figure we’re both-

WILL SMITH

NO WAIT SHUT UP DON’T SAY IT

MARTIN LAWRENCE

-just three days from retirement!

Suddenly JACOB motorcycles past and SHOOTS WILL FIFTY TIMES WITH A MACHINE GUN.

WILL SMITH

Thanks a fucking bunch, moron.

(collapses)

EXT. SOLEMN EVENT

A PRIEST makes a very GRIM, SERIOUS FACE in EXTREME CLOSE-UP.

PRIEST

(frown, sad eyes)

I want to thank all of the friends and family who came to this very serious event.

(sudden bright smile)

I now pronounce you man and wife!

THAT’S RIGHT it’s actually MARTIN’S DAUGHTER’S WEDDING ha ha ha we totally had you all fooled didn’t we!!!

MARTIN’S DAUGHTER

Uh, did that priest just skip the entire ceremony for the sake of that half-assed fake-out?

WILL SMITH

Ha ha yes, after several months in a coma I’m back on my feet! Congratulations on your daughter’s wedding, Martin! Hey, you know what’s a great subject to bring up on this special day? Murder. Let’s go murder that asshole who tried to kill me, whaddaya say?

MARTIN LAWRENCE

I say you’ve only just gotten out of a coma and I look like I’m maybe in good enough shape to take a single flight of steps without needing to sit down. Maybe we shouldn’t be out chasing super-assassins.

WILL SMITH

WELL FUCK YOU THEN, ME AND MY PTSD WILL HANDLE THIS OURSELVES.

He goes and BEATS THE CRAP out of DJ KHALED.

DJ KHALED

Ow! Shit! Okay okay, the guy who made the special bullets you were shot with is called Rory Markham!

WILL SMITH

Oh neat, you had information. Bonus.

INT. POLICE STATION

WILL brings his intel to POLICE CHIEF JOE PANTOLIANO.

WILL SMITH

Remember how you said I was too emotionally unstable to be useful to the investigation into my own shooting? Well guess what, I just committed rampant police brutality and gained a piece of information that you already had!

JOE PANTOLIANO

This has convinced me, somehow. Go ahead, join Paola Nunez’s task force and return to active duty, we can just forget about the legally-mandated period of counselling and psychological evaluation. Carry a gun and everything, what do I care.

WILL goes and meets PAOLA NUNEZ and her team of ATTRACTIVE YOUTHS.

VANESSA HUDGENS

Hey look Generation Z, it’s that High School Musical lady! You guys like High School Musical, right?

ALEXANDER LUDWIG

And I was in a Hunger Game! Please come and see this sequel to a movie that was released before you were born.

VANESSA HUDGENS

We can make this movie go viral! And speaking of viral-

(written out of movie)

PAOLA NUNEZ

So Will, that same mysterious motorcycle man who shot you has since also killed a judge, a prosecutor, and a forensics analyst. Clearly somebody is out to hunt down everybody involved in their incarceration and gun them all down.

(frowns)

Wait, why the fuck aren’t you in protective custody?

WILL SMITH

So have you got any clue who the killer might be?

PAOLA NUNEZ

Who knows? Over the course of the past several decades the bunch of you have shared hundreds of cases and put away hundreds of murderers!

WILL SMITH

Right, but did you check to see if any of them had a huge red flag going on, like maybe they broke out of prison just a couple of days before I got shot?

PAOLA NUNEZ

What, you expect us to pore over and analyze reams and reams of data to pick out useful information like some kind of, I dunno, police task force? No, we’re going with a sting operation against the guy that made that custom ammunition.

WILL SMITH

God bless movie criminals and their habit of using easily-traceable custom ammunition!

EXT. PARKING GARAGE

WILL and the TASK FORCE go to observe the AMMUNITION GUY doing an illegal SALE to some CROOKS.

WILL SMITH

Ooh look, there he is, let’s arrest him!

(grabs guns with both hands)

Let’s go guys, come on! COME ON I WANNA ARREST HIM I WANNA ARREST HIM WHY HAVEN’T WE ARRESTED HIM YET.

PAOLA NUNEZ

Because we’re waiting for him to incriminate himself first, which he’ll do in about one minute if you can just sit tight for a few goddamn-

WILL SMITH

(hopping from foot to foot)

ONE MINUUUTE, THAT’S FOREVVVEEERRR, LET’S GO NOW NOW NOW!

PAOLA NUNEZ

Okay, in thirty years of being a cop is this the first time you’ve actually waited for more than eight seconds before charging in guns blazing? ...That’s not at all surprising, really.

WILL SMITH

(pointing at surveillance screen)

Oh look! The buyer’s about to kill our target! That means I HAVE to run in and start shooting up the joint, YAAAAYYYYYY!!!

(bursts into garage, firing wildly in every direction)

POW POW BANG BANG KAPOW PEW PEW HA HA HA WHEEEEE!!!

(red mist fades)

Ah ha... ha... hey, was our target always half-exploded and impaled on some heavy machinery? Um. Oops.

PAOLA NUNEZ

GODDAMN IT WILL. Oh well, let’s hope that an unrelated lead will pop up out of nowhere in the next scene.

INT. MARTIN’S HOUSE

Suddenly, MARTIN gets a call from POLICE INFORMANT IVO NANDI.

IVO NANDI

Hey, you know how I spent years giving you and Will juicy intel? Well now I’m on Jacob’s hit list too! It’s weird that I even know this, I mean usually the first clue Jacob ever gives his victims is a white-hot spray of machine gun fire tearing through their abdomens, but still you gotta help me!

MARTIN LAWRENCE

So wait, out of Will and I, you decided to contact the pudgy comic relief?

IVO NANDI

When your choices are “ineffectual clown” and “violent maniac” you take what you can get. Get here as fast as possible!

(hangs up)

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Hmmm, Will’s not taking my calls right now because he’s all butthurt about my not helping him with the revenge rampage thing, so what do I do?

(ponders)

I suppose I could call Joe or Paola or any number of people he actually would listen to, then they could pass on the message and he’d get to Ivo in his sports car like five minutes from now... maybe...

(continues pondering)

OR, I could carefully drive my wife’s station wagon over to meet Will, then slowly and carefully drive to drop off my grandbaby, THEN slowly and carefully and painstakingly drive us to meet Ivo, SURE LET’S DO THE SLOWEST FUCKING PLAN EVER CONCEIVED BY THE HUMAN BRAIN!

He DOES THE SLOW PLAN and he and WILL arrive about EIGHT WEEKS LATER just in time to see IVO get hurled off of a ROOFTOP to his DEATH. WILL charges up to the ROOF to confront JACOB!

WILL SMITH

AHA, I HAVE YOU NOW!

(whispers)

Psst, hey. I know an earlier scene showed that you have some kind of lightning-fast ninja warrior powers and stuff, but I’m in my fifties now and I really need to survive this scene, so if you don’t mind...

JACOB SCIPIO

Oh no problem, we can just have my character get waaaay slower and less martial-artsy all of a sudden.

WILL SMITH

Thanks, owe you one!

They FIGHT, and JACOB gets away.

EXT. BALLPARK

JOE takes WILL to see a ballgame.

JOE PANTOLIANO

Will, I wanted to talk to you about all these crazy aggressive risks you’ve been taking. I know you’re all angry and torn up inside about what happened to you, but if you allow your rage to control you, then OH FUCK why am I a mentor all of a sudden?! I’ve only ever been a stressed-out snarky guy, WHY AM I A FATHER FIGURE SUDDENLY OH FUCK SHIT FUCK-

(killed by Jacob)

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

(dies)

WILL SMITH

(sobs)

Oh no Joe, my beloved old advisor apparently! This is all my fault, Martin. You were right! I should never have gone off seeking revenge. My recklessness and violence has born nothing but bitter fruit!

MARTIN LAWRENCE

It’s okay, buddy. I’m just glad you finally see reason.

(pause)

Anyhoo, feel like going and getting some reckless, violent revenge?

WILL SMITH

(grabs bazooka)

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!

INT. CLUB

The TASK FORCE tracks down a new lead in the form of JACOB’S HENCHMAN NICKY JAM, who is having a CELEBRATION at a CLUB.

NICKY JAM

Nice try cops, but your superior numbers and tactics and element of surprise are no match for my JUST PLAIN RUNNING AWAY

(flees)

WILL SMITH

Nuts! Okay, no problem, obviously we’ve got people covering all the exits, right?

PAOLA NUNEZ

Covering... exits?! Why that’s just crazy enough to work! I’m gonna make a note of that for next time.

WILL SMITH

DAMNIT.

(joins chase)

WILL and MARTIN chase NICKY to a place where he has A MILLION THUGS and CARS and BIKES and GUNS sitting around waiting for an action scene to start.

WILL SMITH

Awesome, the big freeway chase-slash-shootout that we always build these movies around! Martin, I’m gonna steal a bike from a goon, you jump in the sidecar and start murdering everybody with the minigun bolted to it, this’ll be AWESOME!

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Er, about that. When you were in hospital fighting to not die from all those bulletholes, I kind of promised God that if you made it I’d give up the whole “constantly murdering people” thing.

(sheepish grin)

I mean, that could be a really cool wrinkle, don’t you think? We try to win a big high-octane action scene without killing anybody? I can’t wait to see what kind of clever and original-

WILL SMITH

(dopeslaps Martin)

SHUT

(slaps him again)

YOUR

(and again)

FILTHY

(and five more times in rapid succession)

MOUTH. No murder my ASS. Do you seriously think the audience came to a fucking Bad Boys movie to watch us NOT mow a bloody swath through Miami’s underworld?

MARTIN LAWRENCE

But... I experienced actual character growth and-

WILL SMITH

THAT IS NOT WHAT THESE MOVIES ARE FOR YOU CHARLATAN.

(takes deep calming breath)

Look, honestly I think God is sending you a sign here. I mean look at this ridiculous fucking vehicle we have here. A motorcycle sidecar with a giant fucking minigun attached? Has there ever been such a thing?

MARTIN LAWRENCE

I suppose it would be very hard to fire this humongous cannon without the recoil sending us spiralling into oncoming traffic...

WILL SMITH

Exactly! It’s such a stupid idea in the first place, the fact that it even exists is God’s way of telling you to NUT THE FUCK UP AND START SPLATTERING BRAINS ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT ALREADY.

MARTIN LAWRENCE

You’re right, that’s exactly the kind of thing God likes people to do! IT’S MASSACRE TIME!

They barrel down the highway, spraying MACHINE GUN FIRE all over the place in a way that it’s CRAZY LUCKY that they didn’t wind up shooting FIVE HUNDRED BYSTANDERS. Finally NICKY escapes to a HELICOPTER which has JACOB aboard!

JACOB SCIPIO

(points gun at Will)

Hasta el fuego, bitch!

WILL SMITH

Wait, what?! That’s the private gibberish Spanish phrase that my ex-girlfriend Kate del Castillo and I used to say to each other! It vaguely means “until we burn”, and we used it to indicate an intense ride-or-die intimacy and passionate love for each other!

JACOB SCIPIO

Oh. Why the hell was I using it as a murder one-liner, then?

WILL drops from the helicopter into the OCEAN, then rejoins with MARTIN.

WILL SMITH

I know who’s out to kill me now! I once was an undercover cop trying to bring down Kate’s druglord husband. She and I fell madly in love, and I even considered running away with her, but it could never have worked. You see... she was a WITCH!

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Oh FUCK man, we’re dealing with a WITCH?! SHIT SHIT SHIT, WE’RE SO BONED NOW, YOU DON’T MESS AROUND WITH hey what the fuck is this, why are we implying that both of us believe in witches?

WILL SMITH

(shrugs)

Wouldn’t be the most implausible thing in these movies. But here’s the real kicker: having met Jacob, and knowing the timeline involved, I now realize that Jacob is - and prepare to be pretty much kicked into an entirely different genre with THIS hokey-ass soap opera twist - MY SON!

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Wha-wha-WHAAAAT?!? Holy shit! So the super-skilled young assassin who’s been chasing you around all movie turns out to have your genes? ...That sounds familiar.

WILL SMITH

It’s a perfectly decent plot twist, damnit! It deserves a second chance!

Suddenly, KATE calls WILL on the PHONE.

KATE DEL CASTILLO

Hey there. That was pretty much all the plot I had, how about you?

WILL SMITH

Yeah, it’s about time to wrap this up. Why don’t you just give me your address so we can go do the climax.

KATE DEL CASTILLO

I will literally do that exact thing. Got a pen?

INT. KATE’S LAIR

WILL, MARTIN and the TASK FORCE all arrive to have the final fight against the BAD GUYS.

WILL SMITH

Shit, she’s got too many goons! Hey Alexander, I know you have that whole backstory where you have PTSD about accidentally killing somebody and swore off violence forever, but do you think-

ALEXANDER LUDWIG

I could just conveniently get over it all of a sudden? Sure why not!

(starts murdering every single goon)

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Excellent work Alexander, very helpful! Huh, weird how this movie seems to think that pacifism is a character flaw that people need to get over.

The SHOOTOUT causes the LAIR to catch on FIRE and start to collapse! Finally WILL and JACOB meet and fight and WILL gets JACOB into a stranglehold.

WILL SMITH

Jacob, I’m your father! Probably should have led with that so we didn’t have to beat the living tar out of each other.

JACOB SCIPIO

Gasp! Mother, is this true?

KATE DEL CASTILLO

Hmmm, if you find out it is then it’d probably ruin my decades-long revenge scheme, so I guess I should just lie about your parentage just like I’ve been doing ever since you were born... but fuck it, might as well confess to the truth for literally no reason.

JACOB SCIPIO

Father!!

WILL SMITH

Son!!

JACOB SCIPIO

I instantly forgive your betraying my mom and stepdad into prison and making me essentially an orphan my whole life!

WILL SMITH

And I instantly forgive you trying to murder me, and actually murdering like fifty other people!

JACOB SCIPIO

Let’s never attempt homicide on each other again!

KATE DEL CASTILLO

Ugh, fuck off with this Power of Love bullshit! This isn’t fucking Steven Universe, you know.

She tries to KILL WILL but then PAOLA KILLS HER INSTEAD.

WILL SMITH

Oh. Oops. My team just killed your mom. And oh yeah, I guess now we’re gonna haul your ass to prison. That doesn’t ruin our little hugfest, does it?

JACOB SCIPIO

Naw man, it’s whatever!

WILL SMITH

Wow you got mellow all of a sudden.

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Okay, so we beat the villain and saved the day, sweet. And what’s more, in the absence of Michael Bay we’ve managed to make a Bad Boys movie with an actual theme and character arcs! Now you, like me, have family to live for, and can finally give up your reckless self-destructive-

WILL SMITH

(dopeslap)

Are you getting stupid on me again? What about more sequels, huh?

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Oh right, that whole thing. So... instead of the thematically consistent ending, we do the exact opposite? Where I unretire, and we go straight back to being heedless thrill-seeking idiots?

WILL SMITH

Damn straight! We’re even gonna pull a Deckard Shaw and have all of Jacob’s many, many murders be magically forgotten as he joins the good guy side. Yessir, I bet audiences everywhere can’t wait for... Bad Boys 4 Life!

(pause)

...Aw nuts. Probably should have held onto that title, huh.

END.