FADE IN:

EXT. THE OLD WEST

PETER FONDA, driving a carriage carrying a lot of money, is ROBBED by RUSSELL CROWE, BEN FOSTER, and a bunch of GENERIC HENCHMEN.

PETER FONDA

How original, a western starting with a robbery.

RUSSELL CROWE

How's this for original: the typical 'handsome villain' role has been filled with my doughy, potato-faced self.

RUSSELL and his crew take the money and run into CHRISTIAN BALE and his kids.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Oh no, notorious bad guy Russell Crowe! You're not going to throw a phone at me, are you?

RUSSELL CROWE

No, but if you don't give me your horses, I'll make you listen to some tracks from my godawful band, "30 Odd Foot Of Grunts".

CHRISTIAN BALE'S KID

Don't do it dad. You've already let a creditor cut off your water supply and burn your stable down. If you give Crowe your horses, you may as well cut your own dick off and hand that over too.

CHRISTIAN BALE

You're right, son.

(to Russell)

Do you want the balls too, or just my dick?

RUSSELL CROWE

Just the horses, thanks.

CHRISTIAN hands over his horses, forgetting that he's BATMAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

CHRISTIAN BALE

If only there were a way for me to win some man points and teach my kids that I'm not a complete puss.

PETER FONDA

Funny you should mention that. You can help me and some other guys arrest Crowe and escort him to the train to Yuma prison.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Sounds great. But we'll need to trick insane gunman Ben Foster into following the wrong coach so we can get a head start. Let's hide Crowe at my house so I can endanger my family and watch my wife eyefuck him.

RUSSELL has SUPPER with CHRISTIAN BALE'S FAMILY.

GRETCHEN MOL

I think you're a nice guy deep down, Russell.

RUSSELL CROWE

Why, because nobody can be as vile as my reputation describes?

GRETCHEN MOL

No, because everyone else in this movie suffers from lazy characterization and you sketch pictures of birds. You may as well sign them "Mr. Sensitive" or something.

EVERYONE escorts RUSSELL to town to catch the train to YUMA. On the trip, RUSSELL winds up killing his captors one by one effortlessly.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Holy shit, I really hope that some downtrodden rancher trying to prove himself is available to continue this escort once Crowe gets off the train in Yuma.

The movie gets boring, so there's an APACHE AMBUSH followed by a scene involving golddiggers that goes absolutely nowhere. LUKE WILSON shows up in a distracting CAMEO. RUSSELL saves CHRISTIAN'S LIFE twice.

RUSSELL CROWE

I've think I'm growing to admire you, Bale.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Because I'm proving what a real man is made of, escorting you to the train against impossible odds?

RUSSELL CROWE

Nah, I'm just impressed you're willing to lose and gain so much weight for movie roles. I pretty much always look like a washed up rugby player that let himself go.

They eventually arrive at the town, and RUSSELL CROWE'S GANG finally catches up to them. There's a big SHOOTOUT between CHRISTIAN and RUSSELL'S GANG.

RUSSELL CROWE

How do you run so fast? I thought you had a wooden leg.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I do, but I realized that whole plot point wasn't going anywhere, so I'm going to ignore it. Let's jump across these rooftops!

Eventually, BEN FOSTER shoots CHRISTIAN BALE! RUSSELL CROWE responds by shooting BEN and everyone else in his gang.

CHRISTIAN BALE

(clutching chest)

I did it, son!

CHRISTIAN BALE'S KID

Did what? Managed to be so pathetic that Crowe took pity on you and volunteered to go to jail so that you could feel like a hero, despite being such a complete loser?

CHRISTIAN BALE

Yeah, I totally did that.

(dies)

RUSSELL handcuffs himself and boards the train.

CHRISTIAN BALE'S KID

Why'd you do that, Crowe?

RUSSELL CROWE

Maybe it's 'cause I admire him, kid. Maybe it's because I think he did something brave, and deep down I'm not so bad that I can't see the virtue in righteous heroism.

CHRISTIAN BALE'S KID

That's incredibly stupid.

RUSSELL CROWE

It sure is, boy. It sure is.

END