FADE IN:

EXT. APPALACHIAN TRIAL

ROBERT REDFORD is an aging celebrity who fears he's past his prime. NICK NOLTE is a grizzled recovering alcoholic.

NICK NOLTE

And so are our characters! Heh heh, that joke never gets old.

(seizures)

ROBERT and NICK struggle up the APPALACHIAN TRIAL.

NICK NOLTE

Rob! I nearly had a heart attack on the first quarter-mile! How I going to survive?

ROBERT REDFORD

Witty stoicism, Nick. Witty stoicism.

NICK NOLTE

And multiple bears are attacking our campsite!

ROBERT REDFORD

Witty stoicism! We just went over that!

NICK NOLTE

But we're reacting with less emotion than when we ran into Kristen Schaal singing "Get Lucky"-

ROBERT REDFORD

WITTY! STOICISM! WE WILL NEVER LET DRAMA INTO THIS!!!

(foams at the mouth)

NICK NOLTE

Well now it looks if as I'm slipping back into alcoholism! What dry one-liner do you have to say to THAT?

ROBERT REDFORD

FINE. You get ONE moment of drama. But with half the energy these scenes usually have, and we shift right back into stoicism afterwards!

(sulks)

ONE DAY, ROBERT slips and pulls NICK with him into a RAVINE!

NICK NOLTE

We're trapped in a ravine! With no way out! With no one who knows we're missing! We're low on food! Low on-

ROBERT REDFORD

(glares)

NICK NOLTE

I mean, uh- Deadpan one-liners! Dry delivery! Slapstick!

They are rescued, somewhat anti-climatically.

NICK NOLTE

I'm beginning to think that a book of humorous anecdotes was a bad choice for stringing together into a feature-length narrative.

ROBERT REDFORD

Nah, the book couldn't have been THAT unfilmable.

NICK NOLTE

But half of it was a wilderness guide!

ROBERT REDFORD

And we put those sections to good use! Remember the scene where I pointed out all the sedimentary rock? Everyone was glued to their seats!

NICK NOLTE

(sighs)

I don't know man. We can't seem to piece these little mini-adventures into a gripping overarching story. We're just two middle aged dudes who are doing something because just because. I say we rent a car and drive the rest of the way.

ROBERT REDFORD

Woah, woah, woah! You're forgetting one thing. There IS an overarching story; our struggle to finish the Appalachian Trail.

NICK NOLTE

Huh, I never thought about it that way.

ROBERT REDFORD

All these misadventures, all the good times, bad times and private moments of doubt, they'll all mean so much more when we're standing at the end of the Appalachian Trail, laughing and basking in our victory.

They QUIT.

ROBERT REDFORD

Well, at least we saw a lot of sedimentary rocks.

END.